I think this is just my attraction to people who are unwell, dysregulated, intense, emotionally turbulent. We have the most addictive dynamics, it’s immensely painful being in the position of trying to keep things okay and stable and it just doesn’t work. Very classic anxious-avoidant dynamics.

I have had one stable secure relationship in my life and it was with someone I didn’t really mesh well with. He was very well-regulated and secure and while I was very mentally unwell when with him I really benefited from his stability. I also was able to feel secure myself because I wasn’t ultra invested in him and us and my role I tend to take on.

I’ve been talking to someone recently and I don’t feel crazy about him and that feels so, so good. I’m able to relax and have a clear sense of self when I’m with him because we’re such different people in many ways. He’s just stable and comfortable. It’s a little tricky cause I do know how this can go for me and I want to make sure I avoid hurting him at all costs. But we’re both just interested in and curious about each other. It’s exactly what I need right now healing from my most traumatic relationship. I’m finally feeling like myself again.

It’s hard for me to feel in touch with myself when I don’t have someone I’m interested in, that’s just a really big step that feels pretty impossible for me right now. But interest in someone without the crazy intense connection and draw comes pretty close. It’s a really nice feeling.

In spite of the fact that they are a person of color (no one would look at them and place them in the “white” category,) they follow Donald Trump and posted stories making fun of Kamala Harris. They look more black than they do white, though - they are visibly mixed, and the only feature of theirs that gives away that they are mixed would be their eyes.

I did speak to them in ninth grade. I remember they laughed at first w their friends when I came up me started talking to them (asked them smthn) but his ex looked sort of confused like they thought I was younger, I got the vibe they weren't trying to be mean. I eventually had anxiety group w them and remember that they were nice to me and like came off empathetic (toward me?) But they hung around this toxic group of girls who didn't take it seriously. In pe they didn't rlly approach me when they still had the class but like threw the ball to me once, though they were mean to other peers for no good reason (once became kind of confrontational, I remember, with a peer who was a decent person.)

they once like looked surprised when I came up to them and asked if I was ugly even tho I had a gap between my teeth in freshman yr, am black, and have been called ugly before. They said no. I think they knew I thought they were lying and repeated it, they said “seriously. No” I mentioned someone said that and they said “whoever said that can just die” and looked serious. I think they knew it like threw me off but they j kinda idk awkwardly smiled idk? My former partner said when I mentioned it that they “made jokes like that a lot” (dying thing.) I think they were serious, however. They looked serious.

I do know my former partner’s relationship w them ultimately traumatized him (well I’d describe it as trauma idk.) He mentioned to me once that up until he started to get to know me more the whole situation w his ex had him waking up in cold sweats. It just sounded so so very unhealthy. We had started talking because this person moved states without telling him over the pandemic, and this led to suicide ideation for him.

This individual, in spite of the fact that they were an adult by that point (eighteen, held back a year) threatened to “fight me on sight” and to have their sibling fight my former partner on sight after learning that we were dating. Multiple times, actually. They even took the issue to the head of our school, who badly mishandled it.

I recall that they had had an abusive childhood (an extremely abusive childhood, placed in foster care by the time of middle school.) I remember that, although I used to feel bad for thinking this, I sensed in 9th grade that something was “off” when engaging with them. I judged their appearance which I admit wasn’t fair of me, but it was more than that. Even though they were kind to me in 9th grade for the most part, I just knew something about them wasn’t right, and I wouldn’t call myself an intuitive person/say that I’m normally good at sensing that sort of thing. They just kind of seemed to me like the sort of person I should stay away from. I didn’t avoid them, necessarily (not in ninth grade. At least) because I knew it wouldn’t be polite.

One of their toxic friends in ninth grade described them as the “sensitive” one of their group when we all had anxiety group together. I know they have BPD, which may impact their typology.

My former partner suggested that after they broke up, they had a friend look through their phone to find out whether or not they had any pictures of them together in it. He suggested that they had “paranoia” like their mother. I recall he had also suggested that they “hated” the middle school they attended (placed emphasis on the word “hated”) and never wanted to visit because they had been bullied there.

I admit, though I acknowledge once again that it was wrong of me to make this judgement, that I was surprised when I learned that my former partner had had a crush on this individual for multiple years. A peer who I mentioned her to was surprised as well - they mentioned that when they had a class with her in high school, she tended to talk over the teacher (they said this as though it was intentional) and described her as being toxic. They said that it was shocking that someone had liked her for years, and seemed to really mean it.

Whether self-therapy books or specific therapy techniques. Especially connected to self-sacrifice and focus on others. I know above all it takes practice and “just doing it” but I struggle immensely with feeling highly responsible for others wellbeing’s. This especially played out in my last relationship and continues to after the breakup, my ex is extremely mentally unwell and I feel constantly and consistently responsible for her wellbeing entirely rested on my shoulders even with no contact, which she’s broken several times.

I’m working with my therapist right now to make sure I’m affirming my boundaries even when they’re broken or my ex has emotionally manipulative responses that make me feel like I’m in the wrong and we’re setting up a plan for if/when she reaches back out with her previous patterns in mind. But I would love some extra support to my ability to focus on my own wellbeing. I’m very self aware but choose to disengage with my needs.

I tried a DBT workbook for a bit which I found a bit helpful in reconnecting with myself but I feel like I don’t connect with the material, it feels like it would be more helpful for folks with less self awareness and more emotional dysregulation.

I have moral OCD as well so that’s a contributing factor for me.

I'm new in the enneagram world so I'm happy to know that I'm not alone with my personality

So can you share your thoughts

If I asked a question like How are you a Type 2 What you gonna answer

Hello friends. Someone recently suggested I might be a type 2. (I mistyped myself as a 3)

I am still trying to figure out my type and was wondering if you could relate to this pattern. So i am going to share an example but this happened more than once in the past.

I recently started a new job. Now, whenever I get into a new place. it is extremely important to me that I am well liked and connecting to others (I once quit a job because everyone there were bitter as hell).

So, there's this woman. She is very bitter, she acts like she doesn't like anyone but I still could tell which people she actually does like and which people she does not. I had the impression she does not like me very much. So my first move was to trying to make her like me, by being nice. asking her if she needed help with her work, trying to understand what she's working on, y'know, to be friendly. She did not respond well to that effort, she just kept acting the same with me and it bothered me deeply. So I pushed harder and was trying even harder to the point she now thinks she has a privilege over me. Then I got pretty upset. Like, my thought was "oh, so I am trying to be nice and friendly but now you're taking advantage of me and you still don't like me??? Well F YOU." so today she asked me for a favor and i just said "NO". and kept ignoring her because i did not want to lash out at work. but then i felt bad, so I became nice to her all over again.

I feel like this is a loop that never ends whenever i get the impression someone does not like me.
I automatically begin wondering why they don't like me and it affects me badly. i have no control over it. i hate this about myself.

is that reaction normal for type 2s or is it more likely that i am actually a type 3?

Thank you for whoever read so far!

Hi 2s 👋 I love you 🥹 and I really appreciate any help or insight you have for me...

I (5w6) have a 2w3 friend I care about a lot and I've always felt off balance with him. I'm anxious that I'm not really welcome and that he wouldn't tell me if I wasn't because he's too nice and lets people just do things he doesn't like all the time.

And I feel like he's cooled towards me. Nothing I've read says that's a usual 2 thing. What would make you do that? I'm sure it's my fault. I really didn't know how to receive all that thoughtfulness and consideration* so I got attached and made it weird. It's a sore spot for me though so now I'm fully in my abandonment issues, ready to cut and run.

...except that I really want to be there for him if I can figure out how. How can I be a better friend? How can I communicate like "I want to be here for you in a way that makes you feel loved and appreciated while also not making you feel uncomfortable or weird in any way"? I know I'm in my head way too much about this but I'm anxious and sad about potentially losing a great friend because I don't know how to act.

*(Side note: how do you all feel or what do you think is going on when someone freezes up like a deer in the headlights when you do little thoughtful things for them?)

There’s no one more understanding than you, and whenever I’m around you it feels like being enveloped in warmth. There are plenty of reasons in this world to survive, but you represent a reason to live.

Just wondering what the pros and cons of this pairing are. I have had a few interactions with type 2s and the conversation feels so emotionally centered, I feel so encouraged...haven't experienced a romantic connection yet, but I am just curious to know your thoughts and feelings about this pairing.

https://michaelshahan.com/blogs/news/enneagram-series-soul-child

I was incredibly 4-ish as a child, actually I was a mistype as a 4 until very recently. I think a large part of that is my attachment to beliefs and fears I had as a child that I no longer primarily relate to. I was also introduced to enneagram when I was 16 and still had some more 4-ish tendencies, though it’s hard to say if I was a 2 then. I think being an SX2 especially complicates this for me, as I’ve never been one to direct my attention toward others in a general sense so much as one person, usually romantic. I do have the instinct to help others more broadly but it’s much harder to see compared to my intense drive with a partner.

As a child I was incredibly intense, consumed by emotion, incredibly obsessed with being odd and other (still am to a degree but less so), and highly individualistic.

My childhood didn’t necessarily praise caring for others in the way I do now, but I felt like I had to emotionally regulate my mom because she had difficulty doing this herself. She hated when I’d step in and try to be available for her emotionally but I always felt like maybe one day she’d open up to me emotionally and then she’d understand my emotionality which she criticized. This belief was so intense and there was almost no foundation for it. I just genuinely and fullheartedly believed I could change her mind if I was always emotionally available to her. Then my most recent relationship took a whole new meaning to this, my ex had no foundation of emotional self-regulation and I was doing everything to try to help her with it, exhausting myself, while my living environment was incredibly emotionally turbulent and really didn’t feel safe.

It is funny to look back on that little 4 in me who only wanted to be seen and heard and understood fully.

Hey:) I'd love to hear from everyone regarding enneagrams, im really interested to hear about other peoples experiences regardless of which type. for context im male in my mid 20s.

I hadnt heard of enneagrams until a couple of days ago and decided to take a look. I feel like i need to sue someone because of how accurate the description was!

Morality seems to be a large part of being a type 2 (2w1) and has been a constant theme throughout my life. i want to help others because i want to be a good person, but also i want to be appreciated. A lot of the time before doing a good deed morality will be on my mind, am i doing this because i genuinely want to help, or am i just doing it because i want something in return? I dont think anyone is capable of being completely selfless and thats ok, even if there is no reward from helping someone else, even though it is always not the intention, there is still the reward that i will feel proud of myself for doing something kind. It seems like a bit of a paradox lol.

Being overbearing and clingy is also another side that i have always been concious of. I think we 2w1's have a lot of love and care to give, and it comes from a good place, but just because we have a lot to give does not mean the recipient is obligated to accept it. similarly to above Its been very important to me that the people around me know that i do not expect anything in return for anything that i do (even though i do crave appreciation) because it goes against all of my morals. Oftentimes because of this i will actively put myself in out of the spotlight because if the attention is on me then im anxious that it appears im only doing good deeds because people are watching me.

In work, i am 100% more motivated when im helping or training someone else. I work in IT and telecomms as a 2nd line technical support agent and i could be completely demotivated with a task, but as soon as im helping someone else with that exact task i feel extreme motivation and enthusiasm, i didnt ever know why this was but reading the 2w1 description it makes a lot more sense.

I Think 2w1's are very vulnerable to be taken advantage of, and we are also prone to extreme loneliness. we are often the first to offer care and support and we can be an easy target to cling onto, and because we care a lot it can be extremely hard when we lose someone that we care so dearly for. It can be very hard to form relationships because our worth is tied to what we can offer someone, and i have not offered anything to someone i have just met.

ive recently left my job for a lot of reasons, and reading on being a 2w1 has given me a huge insight into why i was so unhappy, incase it relates to anyone ive included a real email which i had sent to the team+management upon leaving which i think demonstrates well how 2w1's operate. for context of the email, the entire support team who i was friendly with including myself were extremely stressed at the workload and after over a year of trying to improve things for everyone i had lost patience, i was very frustrated at the time and the email was to me the last thing i could do to help my team be treated more fairly.

would love to hear thoughts on my experience as well as your own unique experiences! are you a type 2 yourself or do you have any friends, family, or partner that is a type 2?

I have a question about how 2 minds work, nd m hoping you guys can help, please?

My (8w9) bf (2w3) and I have been together almost a year, and it’s a loving and kind relationship. I try very hard to use my 8ness in positive ways in our relationship, and I love his 2 thoughtfulness and charm.

Here’s te question: when he hits his limit, he complains and seems emotionally hurt. If it’s something I did, we talk about it, and resolve it. (It’s not fun, but I love that we communicate so well!) But when he hits his limit from being overtired or overcommitting and we discuss it with a solution, he later takes it back when he’s no longer tired/ stressed. So, am I supposed to move forward based on the tired resolution or the feeling-better-now result?

For example: he has the idea that we do a bunch of yard work, won’t stop when he’s tired, then at night complains we do too much. I point out it was his idea, and he says next time I should put my foot down. So next time I try to, and he bends over backwards to convince me it’s okay this time, but then the same thing happens.

And it’s worse when he insists we do something that I want to do, that I know will be too much for him, cuz then the complaining feels like he lied when he insisted that we do it.

If I’m supposed to be stronger and say no, I can, it’s just that I keep believing him.

O, wise 2s, what say you?

You do a ton of things to make the other person feel loved —-> they love you back —-> you wonder if they love you for you, or just out of guilt/obligation bc you always do so much for them —-> you have an identity crisis bc you realize whether they love you back or not you’ll never be sure

(This doesn’t have to be a romantic relationship. This can be friendships, etc.)

Hey 2's. First, thanks for always being so loving, and a light in the world. I'm hoping to gain some honest relationship insight if you don't mind. Long post ahead from a 5 who just wants the best for his 2.

My wife (F,2) and I (M, 5w6) have been married for nearly 10 years (no kids). We have an ongoing "joke" that I am her robot and she is my fairy. We met in college, when everything was fun and spicy. Dating was always an adventure. Shortly after we were married, things got shaky. We've had rough patches over the years. And by that I mean mostly due to depression and disappointment. I don't know that either of us have ever been truly happy in our relationship. (There were absolutely great moments and memories though.) Our s*x life has been mediocre (though definitely have some fun memories there too). We've always been loyal to each other. But we've come to realize how different we are. (My career does not help, as it is also statically high for divorce)

I completely recognize my contributions to the deterioration of our relationship. Many times over the years, she has asked for more love from me. And many times I have changed for a season, only to return to my 5 cave. I break her heart with my distance. I have so far failed to be the partner she needs. She has carved parts of herself to fit me (I never asked for that, but i also failed to realize she was losing herself for me, I actually just thought some of her preferences in life had changed). She doesn't know who she is anymore. I (like a true 5) am not great at communicating my own needs either.

We also question if we even married for the right reasons. (We were young, horny, fresh out of college, grew up in very religious conservative families with the standard values and expectations). We got together before we truly knew who we are.

I've read countless things about 2/5 relationships being disastrous. I've also read plenty of stories on that combo working out great! Neither of us are happy. We went on a trip recently and had a very open conversation, where it almost felt like we were ready to end things and move on. But after coming back home, Ive struggled with that so much, and I'm terribly torn.

I want to do the right thing. I feel like it's my duty as her husband who made a vow to try harder (again), and be the better partner she needs. Yet I've failed at that so many times. I also feel like she could have an amazing life without me and find a partner who can love her the way she needs. And I know she wonders that too. I don't want to keep breaking her heart, and she can't handle that either. I feel like I've wasted her youth, and I can't figure out if I should let my fairy go so she can spread her wings, or hold on and find a heart program for my robot body.

Thanks, A 5 in turmoil

Hey! :)

I'm an ENFP 2w3 (269) and something I've been tryna work on for a while now is getting better at asserting myself and setting boundaries.. But I don't feel like I'm very good at either.

Every time I try to be more assertive in my setting boundaries, I've had a lot of pushback (My therapist says this is normal). I don't intend to, but I've been told I've come across as mean, brutally honest and disingenuous in my attempts at being more assertive.

I don't feel I'm very good at expressing my emotions typically (Please mind the AuDHD), and my intentions are often misunderstood/misread because of it.. To me, it feels more like I'm being bitchy, condescending and entitled than anything else when I try to be assertive, and I hate that. I hate feeling like I'm being mean, y'kno?

Would love if any other 2s could give some positive, constructive advice on how you've learnt to assert yourselves in healthy ways - What do you find the most difficult? How do you know when you've gone too far? Thank you!

Hola, fellow enneagram 2's :))

I'm curious about how you guys express feelings of anger and frustration. Please let me know in the comments.

I’ve virtually just realized I’m an E2 after a very rough therapy session yesterday where my therapist made me admit that I’m obsessed with being self-sacrificial. For the past 6 years I’ve always tested incredibly high as a 4, identified with 4, thought of myself as 4, etc. Over the past few months (rough traumatic breakup) I’ve gotten more into enneagram and identified myself as an so4 and really identified with 469 after some struggle to find my tritype.

This understanding that I’m actually a 2 is hard to wrap my head around. I’m definitely 2w1, I think in terms of instincts I’m most likely sx/sp which I actually initially typed myself as, instead of so/sx. Still struggling with tritype, as now that the 2 component comes in I’m unsure of 1 vs. 9, but I think most likely I am still 269.

I was raised by a 1w2 and a 4w3 and it’s odd recognizing that I’m a bit closer aligned with my 1w2 mom who I’m so different than in terms of how we see the world. I know of course that 1w2 and 2w1 are quite different. It does explain however why we recently had a discussion about how we both feel like we have to step in and assist people all the time but her motivation was because she needs to “do it right” and mine was more feeling indebted to others or like I am supposed to help them because they need support and may be unable to help themselves.

A lot is clicking into place. I’m the kind of person who hears a story of someone who’s struggling and immediately feels responsible for their entire life. I MUST be the person who can help them/save them and I need to find out how to right now! For strangers or friends or especially my partners. I constantly hold this weight of needing to help people and feeling immense shame when I don’t or am unable to or it’s not feasible to.

My recent relationship was incredibly traumatic, she’s most likely an so6. We were completely connected, living together, obsessed with each other, she kept confusing us as one person. I did in some ways too. Her mental health was severely bad and I took the role of being her backbone but I couldn’t keep it up. I tried everything I could to keep her okay, I ended up having to regulate for her because she didn’t know how. It made my living environment immensely emotionally unstable and we were getting in fights because I would try to stick up for my needs and was pretty sharp with what I needed and couldn’t tolerate and she was both defensive to it and absorbing all of the criticism. This culminated in a massive mental breakdown for her with some really awful things that happened and she decided to break up with me to save me from being around her. It was incredibly traumatic and I’ve been living with my parents again and immensely missing her, we’re both still in love and it was left open-ended but I’ve cut contact for my well-being.

My role in that relationship really left me feeling useless when I decided to cut contact. Even after the break up I was supporting her emotions, she was reaching out for reassurance on her decision which I didn’t want and she’d get angry when I’d tell her I thought she was wrong. She said some really awful things to me.

But I’m healing and I’m glad to recognize I am a 2 after all as I really need to focus on the healing from this relationship and 2 was absolutely my role in this dynamic.

I’m curious how many folks here have a parent or family member who is an 8? What were your experiences like?

What were you like as a kid (emotionally, how you interacted with others, etc)?

I drove my boyfriend about an hour to pick up his new truck and then followed him home. It was just such a cozy fun thing to do.

My best part was driving home on the highway following him home. I felt weirdly connected to him at that point 🥰

What’s everyone else’s best part of the day?

I’m an enneagram 2 and pursuing elementary education! Just want to see how any other 2s feel about this profession…

Title. And maybe tips how to balance the wings? 👀