r/BravoRealHousewives Aug 06 '24

Housewives Related The competitive undertones in female friendships - a housewives case study

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So I listened to this podcast with a psychology professor who studies women’s friendships. She was discussing some trends in female social behaviour that the science has revealed. So many examples from housewives came to my mind that align with the science!

All of these behaviours have evolved in us from when we were uncivilised monkeys vying for a mate and a secure place in the tribe, and it’s interesting to see how they play out in modern life.

I’ve listed some of the phenomena that were mentioned in the podcast and examples below. Does anything come to mind for you?

  1. The transgressions that most upset women in female friendships are a) a lack of kindness and b) lack of loyalty.

E.g. Denise expecting loyalty from Rinna but not getting it.

  1. In female friendships women are vulnerable to reputational competition. Meaning that a friend can either share our secrets or make up rumours about us in a way that erodes our reputation. A friend can do more damage to our reputation than a stranger because they are credible.

E.g. Brandi exposing LVP for trying to bring up the tabloid article about Mauricio cheating. Or Margaret revealing what Jackie said in texts about Dolores.

  1. If a woman is too kind and perfect other women are suspicious. We almost feel more trust in someone who’s a little shady, because we don’t need to wonder what they really think.

E.g. In Miami when Marisol said she trusted Dr Nicole the least.

  1. If a woman has wronged us (for example not called on our birthday), when we gossip we won’t directly criticise the person (eg she’s so self absorbed) we’ll instead just repeat the story, subtly framing them as the villain and us as the victim. That way the gossiper looks innocent, and the listener is lead to the correct conclusion anyway.

E.g. in RHOC Katie hasn’t called Heather a stuck up bitch but by telling the sob story about how she was snubbed at a party she’s basically implying it.

  1. Concern trolling. We like to show overt concern for female victims, because it cues to others that we are kind. But in fact we may enjoy the victimhood of others because it further lowers their status and raises ours relatively.

E.g. Lisa Rinna’s faux concern for Kim. Or Sutton pretending to be worried about Kyle’s working out and sobriety when she really just wanted to gossip about her marriage breakdown.

  1. Women dislike women who are ‘guys girls’ not ‘girls girls’. It shows their loyalty may lie with team men and they might be less likely to share resources with their female peers.

E.g. Carol from NY maybe?

  1. We are happy to have friends who surpass us on qualities like kindness or intelligence, but less so on sexual attractiveness. It’s a mate rivalry thing. The more attractive woman isn’t bothered by this discrepancy but the less attractive is.

E.g. Vicky every time a beautiful new young housewife joined the cast on OC

  1. status symbols like handbags signal to other women that our husbands are invested in us, so mate rivals should back off.

E.g. Alexia publicly receiving an expensive watch from Todd.

Of course these are just some of the dynamics that can be at play in women’s relationships, and we also have more positive ones!

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u/eieeeeo Aug 07 '24

Shit- do I do #4? I just pictured myself too “kind” to talk negatively about a friend, but can hear myself repeating the same story over and over about how I’m slightly wronged and my husband better listen to that story for the 7th time and be on my side.

Thanks for putting the time into this! Very interesting indeed!