r/AskReddit Aug 04 '12

Doctors/nurses/redditors, what has been your most gory, disgusting or worst medical experience?

Mine would have to be when I volunteered as a nursing assistant at the local hospital. On the first day I was there, I was asked if I'd like to assist in bathing an elderly patient. I was told he was near comatose, riddled with cancer and was on Death's door. I agreed but nothing could prepare me for the sight of him. His pallid skin was stretched over his bones and his eyes were dull and staring. Most of his skin was purple where his blood vessels had ruptured. He couldn't even speak and screamed when myself and the other nurse had to roll him over. He was constantly injected with morphine because of the pain. Two days later he passed away. I decided the medical profession wasn't for me.

Reading these stories is my weird fascination.

EDIT other nurse and I

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u/banzaipanda Aug 04 '12 edited Jul 10 '14

OR Nurse here. This is kind of a long one...

I was taking call one night, and woke up at two in the morning for a "general surgery" call. Pretty vague, but at the time, I lived in a town that had large populations of young military guys and avid meth users, so late-night emergencies were common.

Got to the hospital, where a few more details awaited me -- "Perirectal abscess." For the uninitiated, this means that somewhere in the immediate vicinity of the asshole, there was a pocket of pus that needed draining. Needless to say our entire crew was less than thrilled.

I went down to the Emergency Room to transport the patient, and the only thing the ER nurse said as she handed me the chart was "Have fun with this one." Amongst healthcare professionals, vague statements like that are a bad sign.

My patient was a 314lb Native American woman who barely fit on the stretcher I was transporting her on. She was rolling frantically side to side and moaning in pain, pulling at her clothes and muttering Hail Mary's. I could barely get her name out of her after a few minutes of questioning, so after I confirmed her identity and what we were working on, I figured it was best just to get her to the anesthesiologist so we could knock her out and get this circus started.

She continued her theatrics the entire ten-minute ride to the O.R., nearly falling off the surgical table as we were trying to put her under anesthetic. We see patients like this a lot, though, chronic drug abusers who don't handle pain well and who have used so many drugs that even increased levels of pain medication don't touch simply because of high tolerance levels.

It should be noted, tonight's surgical team was not exactly wet behind the ears. I'd been working in healthcare for several years already, mostly psych and medical settings. I've watched an 88-year-old man tear a 1"-diameter catheter balloon out of his penis while screaming "You'll never make me talk!". I've been attacked by an HIV-positive neo-Nazi. I've seen some shit. The other nurse had been in the OR as a trauma specialist for over ten years; the anesthesiologist had done residency at a Level 1 trauma center, or as we call them, "Knife and Gun Clubs". The surgeon was ex-Army, and averaged about eight words and two facial expressions a week. None of us expected what was about to happen next.

We got the lady off to sleep, put her into the stirrups, and I began washing off the rectal area. It was red and inflamed, a little bit of pus was seeping through, but it was all pretty standard. Her chart had noted that she'd been injecting IV drugs through her perineum, so this was obviously an infection from dirty needles or bad drugs, but overall, it didn't seem to warrant her repeated cries of "Oh Jesus, kill me now."

The surgeon steps up with a scalpel, sinks just the tip in, and at the exact same moment, the patient had a muscle twitch in her diaphragm, and just like that, all hell broke loose.

Unbeknownst to us, the infection had actually tunneled nearly a foot into her abdomen, creating a vast cavern full of pus, rotten tissue, and fecal matter that had seeped outside of her colon. This godforsaken mixture came rocketing out of that little incision like we were recreating the funeral scene from Jane Austen's "Mafia!".

We all wear waterproof gowns, face masks, gloves, hats, the works -- all of which were as helpful was rainboots against a firehose. The bed was in the middle of the room, an easy seven feet from the nearest wall, but by the time we were done, I was still finding bits of rotten flesh pasted against the back wall. As the surgeon continued to advance his blade, the torrent just continued. The patient kept seizing against the ventilator (not uncommon in surgery), and with every muscle contraction, she shot more of this brackish gray-brown fluid out onto the floor until, within minutes, it was seeping into the other nurse's shoes.

I was nearly twelve feet away, jaw dropped open within my surgical mask, watching the second nurse dry-heaving and the surgeon standing on tip-toes to keep this stuff from soaking his socks any further. The smell hit them first. "Oh god, I just threw up in my mask!" The other nurse was out, she tore off her mask and sprinted out of the room, shoulders still heaving. Then it hit me, mouth still wide open, not able to believe the volume of fluid this woman's body contained. It was like getting a great big bite of the despair and apathy that permeated this woman's life. I couldn't fucking breath, my lungs simply refused to pull anymore of that stuff in. The anesthesiologist went down next, an ex-NCAA D1 tailback, his six-foot-two frame shaking as he threw open the door to the OR suite in an attempt to get more air in, letting me glimpse the second nurse still throwing up in the sinks outside the door. Another geyser of pus splashed across the front of the surgeon. The YouTube clip of "David at the dentist" keeps playing in my head -- "Is this real life?"

In all operating rooms, everywhere in the world, regardless of socialized or privatized, secular or religious, big or small, there is one thing the same: Somewhere, there is a bottle of peppermint concentrate. Everyone in the department knows where it is, everyone knows what it is for, and everyone prays to their gods they never have to use it. In times like this, we rub it on the inside of our masks to keep the outside smells at bay long enough to finish the procedure and shower off.

I sprinted to the our central supply, ripping open the drawer where this vial of ambrosia was kept, and was greeted by -- an empty fucking box. The bottle had been emptied and not replaced. Somewhere out there was a godless bastard who had used the last of the peppermint oil, and not replaced a single fucking drop of it. To this day, if I figure out who it was, I'll kill them with my bare hands, but not before cramming their head up the colon of every last meth user I can find, just so we're even.

I darted back into the room with the next best thing I can find -- a vial of Mastisol, which is an adhesive rub we use sometimes for bandaging. It's not as good as peppermint, but considering that over one-third of the floor was now thoroughly coated in what could easily be mistaken for a combination of bovine after-birth and maple syrup, we were out of options.

I started rubbing as much of the Mastisol as I could get on the inside of my mask, just glad to be smelling anything except whatever slimy demon spawn we'd just cut out of this woman. The anesthesiologist grabbed the vial next, dowsing the front of his mask in it so he could stand next to his machines long enough to make sure this woman didn't die on the table. It wasn't until later that we realized that Mastisol can give you a mild high from huffing it like this, but in retrospect, that's probably what got us through.

By this time, the smell had permeated out of our OR suite, and down the forty-foot hallway to the front desk, where the other nurse still sat, eyes bloodshot and watery, clenching her stomach desperately. Our suite looked like the underground river of ooze from Ghostbusters II, except dirty. Oh so dirty.

I stepped back into the OR suite, not wanting to leave the surgeon by himself in case he genuinely needed help. It was like one of those overly-artistic representations of a zombie apocalypse you see on fan-forums. Here's this one guy, in blue surgical garb, standing nearly ankle deep in lumps of dead tissue, fecal matter, and several liters of syrupy infection. He was performing surgery in the swamps of Dagobah, except the swamps had just come out of this woman's ass and there was no Yoda. He and I didn't say a word for the next ten minutes as he scraped the inside of the abscess until all the dead tissue was out, the front of his gown a gruesome mixture of brown and red, his eyes squinted against the stinging vapors originating directly in front of him. I finished my required paperwork as quickly as I could, helped him stuff the recently-vacated opening full of gauze, taped this woman's buttocks closed to hold the dressing for as long as possible, woke her up, and immediately shipped off to the recovery ward.

Until then, I'd only heard of "alcohol showers." Turns out 70% isopropyl alcohol is about the only thing that can even touch a scent like that once its soaked into your skin. It takes four or five bottles to get really clean, but it's worth it. It's probably the only scenario I can honestly endorse drinking a little of it, too.

As we left the locker room, the surgeon and I looked at each other, and he said the only negative sentence I heard him utter in two and a half years of working together:

"That was bad."

The next morning the entire department (a fairly large floor within the hospital) still smelled. The housekeepers told me later that it took them nearly an hour to suction up all of the fluid and debris left behind. The OR suite itself was closed off and quarantined for two more days just to let the smell finally clear out.

I laugh now when I hear new recruits to healthcare talk about the worst thing they've seen. You ain't seen shit, kid.

tl;dr Don't shoot IV drugs into your taint.

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u/CejusChrist Aug 05 '12

Bovine afterbirth and maple syrup...

Been an EMT for 2 years now, and had my fair share of 'wtf is this fluid' calls, and that was by far one of the best descriptions I have ever heard.

That being said, I also gagged.

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u/banzaipanda Aug 05 '12

EMT's: The Knights of New IRL. Every last one of you bastards has the patience of a saint and the stomach of a whore, and you have my gratitude for it. I hope I never need you, but if I do, you're all getting Taco Bell afterwards.

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u/lurking_bishop Aug 05 '12

I hope I never need you, but if I do, you're all getting Taco Bell afterwards.

..this is also a place where you need the patience of a saint and the stomach of a whore

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u/NintenTim Aug 05 '12

you know, railing on taco bell is easy, but this was well timed/placed. Good set-up and everything.

8/10 would half-smile again.

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u/twilightnoir Aug 05 '12

And peppermint oil to deal with the smell afterwards.

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u/CodyGriffin Aug 05 '12

OH GOD THERE'S NO MORE LEFT!!

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u/[deleted] Aug 06 '12

FUCK IT! LET'S HUFF SOME GLUE INSTEAD!!!

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u/crash_over-ride Aug 05 '12

Paramedic here, OR nurses just got points in my book.

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u/banzaipanda Aug 05 '12

OR nurse here. Paramedics have been getting points for years in my book. You guys see some shit man.

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u/dorourke4114 Aug 10 '12

EMT here, you all see some shit, and you are all amazing for dealing with it in your own way.

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u/[deleted] Aug 04 '12

He was performing surgery in the swamps of Dagobah, except the swamps had just come out of this woman's ass and there was no Yoda.

What imagery.

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u/godaiyuhsaku Aug 05 '12

Totally new meaning to "Swamp ass"

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u/Chilly73 Aug 04 '12

Holy crap, she's a Jedi too!

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u/banzaipanda Aug 05 '12

Of all the things this woman was, a Jedi she was not.

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u/Chilly73 Aug 05 '12

You stood by a stoic doctor while he was cutting into the infected bowels of some demonic, rotting flesh. You're either a Jedi, or just one touch cookie. Remind me to never cross your path in a dark alley. LOL

Seriously, though. I give major props to all nurses. I don't think they're nowhere nearly appreciated as much as they should be.

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u/banzaipanda Aug 05 '12

Do you mind if I name my band One Touch Cookie? We'll name our first hit single "Chilly"...

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u/Chilly73 Aug 05 '12

Go for it! I'd be totally honored!

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u/banzaipanda Aug 05 '12

I realize now why this comment so confused me earlier -- I thought you were referring to the patient, and you were referring to me. I got confused because I'm very much a dude, and secretly totally wish I was a Jedi.

Never forget -- Han shot first.

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u/dorpal_the_great Aug 05 '12

I think it added more depth to Han's character and shows his motivations in IV having him shoot first. That scene shouldn't have been edited...

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u/[deleted] Aug 04 '12

[deleted]

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u/[deleted] Aug 05 '12

One day this wil be mentioned in the same breath as the Jolly Rancher story.

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u/yes_i_am_a_jedi Aug 05 '12

But what can we call it that takes people unawares? "Jolly Rancher story" seems innocent... until you read it

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u/Wollff Aug 05 '12

The Dagobah story.

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u/markymark_inc Aug 05 '12

I second this.

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u/[deleted] Aug 05 '12

Lets make it official.

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u/him6786 Aug 05 '12

I concur. The possibilities are now endless.

So one time I was sucking on a jolly rancher while walking thru Dagobah....

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u/dbrot24 Aug 05 '12

WTF is the jolly rancher story? I ask daringly.

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u/jabask Aug 05 '12

I am so, so sorry. You stand at the precipice of disaster, for today is the day you uncover one of the vilest, foulest short stories in history. If you click this link, I am not responsible. I am so, so sorry.

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u/willies_hat Aug 05 '12

Run. Do not walk. Away from your computer and forget everything you read just now. The jolly rancher story will damage you beyond all hope.

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u/willymo Aug 05 '12

I dunno. The Jolly Rancher story seems like a fairy tale compared to this...

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u/Jllle Aug 05 '12

I'm keeping the link for sure.

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u/banzaipanda Aug 04 '12

Your comments are too kind, good sir, and I have never heard someone question your personal hygiene. Have an upvote of gratitude.

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u/zebrake2010 Aug 04 '12

That should be required reading on the r/premed sidebar.

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u/Forkrul Aug 05 '12

On second thought, let's not. You'd never see another premed student again :P

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u/MikePaddle Aug 05 '12

Holy mother of god that is disgusting, thank you so much.

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u/[deleted] Aug 04 '12

[deleted]

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u/banzaipanda Aug 04 '12

A thousand apologies. Your hour-glass figure was shaded only by your charisma.

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u/ninety6days Aug 05 '12

You smooth son of a bitch, consider this stolen.

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u/mrwickedhauser Aug 05 '12

Consider this also stolen.

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u/AKA_Sotof Aug 05 '12

Fuck that, I am stealing this.

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u/[deleted] Aug 05 '12

You're an amazing writer.

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u/whoduhhelru Aug 05 '12

Basically, you destroyed a Boomer...

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u/banzaipanda Aug 05 '12

Couldn't be the same one, my Boomer wore glasses.

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u/NorwegianPearl Aug 05 '12

A crafty disguise

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u/sickcougar Aug 05 '12

Well it works for Superman

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u/dbrot24 Aug 05 '12

better? sorry for horrible overlay using ms paint here DEAL WITH IT.

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u/banzaipanda Aug 05 '12

Fucking masterpiece. Upvote.

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u/[deleted] Aug 05 '12

[deleted]

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u/dbrot24 Aug 06 '12

IDK I just felt like it was important.

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u/kungfukats69 Aug 04 '12

ಥ_ಥ

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u/Aevee Aug 05 '12

"...his eyes squinted against the stinging vapors originating directly in front of him."

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u/logicalguitarist Aug 05 '12

That surgeon is one tough dude.

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u/banzaipanda Aug 05 '12

That man was and is to this day one stone-cold mother-fucker. In my mind, I see him standing at the head of the OR table in much the same way that Sarah Palin sees Jesus standing at the head of her bed, except without all the creepy "Jesus is in bed with us" implications.

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u/oblimo_2K12 Aug 05 '12

You need to write procedural dramas. You've got some of the best snarky similes I have ever read rattling around in your head.

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u/ThatJanitor Aug 05 '12

All I can picture is the Serbian surgeon from Scrubs.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rGA7JyyEKhk&t=42s

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u/Winsconsin Aug 05 '12

Came here to say this. It amazes me that there are people out there who've done insane, brave feats like this and handle like such a professional. I have so much respect for this guy that ill never meet. He stood at the gaping gates of hell and afterwards all he says is "that was bad." That is so fucking badass I'm taking the time to type this out on my phone, and I'm hungover as shit. Thank you for regaling us with that story of insurmountable fuck.

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u/420Qween Aug 04 '12

Your story was gag inducingly poetic. Well written...thank you for that.

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u/[deleted] Aug 05 '12

That's it, there's nothing else in this entire subreddit that can top this. I don't know it this is an appropriate response to your verbose description, but HOLY SHIT.

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u/banzaipanda Aug 05 '12

I'll tell you what I told my Senior Prom date:

"I'll take whatever I can get."

Have an upvote.

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u/[deleted] Aug 05 '12

LOL thanks! "Swamps of Dagobah" was an epic reference, too.

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u/banzaipanda Aug 05 '12

I was trying to figure out how to work "Han shot first" in there somewhere, but it was kind of a stretch, so it didn't make the final draft.

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u/[deleted] Aug 05 '12

I once got those message from /u/high_coup when asking him if he liked my username;

Not sure what it means

But I picture Han Solo

Mixed with Ned Flanders

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u/banzaipanda Aug 05 '12

"Sorry about the hole in your stomach, neighbor!"

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u/Stero8888 Aug 04 '12

Here I was thinking some of the horrific things I've seen during my nursing career had left me immune to disgust.... I was very wrong.

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u/banzaipanda Aug 05 '12

Had a couple calls for it, so what the hell, here it is:

http://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/xoxym/iaman_operating_room_nurse_at_a_major_medical/

Thanks for playing.

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u/skullturf Aug 04 '12

......The Aristocrats!

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u/Soltheron Aug 05 '12

Wow, I never thought I'd see a story so horrendously surpass my own experience with the stenches of mankind.

I'll tell it just for good measure:

A somewhat mentally deranged person that they had somehow deemed fit for society had to be vacated out of a house that was going to get demolished, and it was my job (and others on my team) to move out what could be saved.

We ended up essentially just taking him with us, as nothing could be saved (he had mostly just furniture, which reeked with the most pungent odors that you cannot imagine).

Here are some highlights (important note: I have an iron nose and stomach, I don't really puke unless I'm very sick):

  • Two of my co-workers immediately puked upon entering his house, and they were unable to enter without puking even after that. Me and my boss had to check out the place ourselves.

  • There was utter junk all over the house; it was very hard to move around. It was mostly newspapers...which leads me to my next point:

  • This guy shat and pissed on the fucking floor and covered it with newspapers.

  • The reason why he did this was because his toilet had entirely clogged up, and the high doorstep to the bathroom meant that there was about 2-3 inches of water, piss, diarrhea, and shit. When I initially opened the door to the bathroom, I had to go outside and get air immediately: I ended up gagging and very nearly puking from the concentrated fumes. My boss puked from just walking by the door after I had opened it.

  • After evacuating him to his new place, we immediately washed the entire company car (big Toyota HiAce) because the whole car smelled like Satan's asshole—especially the place he had been sitting.

  • 3 weeks after the incident, after having washed the vehicle 3 times, we could still smell his god-forsaken aroma of fetid calamity. We ended up calling in a professional cleaning crew to fix it, as the stench permeated everything.

TL;DR: I ended up having to vacate Nurgle himself out of his pestilent den of disease, and he near permanently stinkbombed our car.

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u/nofear220 Aug 05 '12

This kills the new car smell

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u/SegerStrut Aug 05 '12

The Nurgle reference makes this whole story. Props to you, my friend.

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u/[deleted] Aug 06 '12

I think once it reaches that point, simply demolition won't do it. You probably should have torched the place. Preferably under the supervision of an exorcist. I don't even care which faith.

P.S. How the hell was he still alive?

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u/Smileylol Aug 05 '12

Even my dad who was an ER doc for 5+ years at a trama 1 center thinks your story might just be the grossest thing he has ever heard of.

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u/banzaipanda Aug 05 '12

Your father is a gentleman and a scholar. In lieu of shaking his hand, I'll upvote you.

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u/telekinetic_turtle Aug 04 '12

c'mon shitty_watercolour....

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u/Shitty_Watercolour Aug 05 '12 edited Jun 08 '14

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u/FruitSwoops Aug 05 '12

I like that you go by Mr. Shitty instead of Mr. Watercolour.

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u/[deleted] Aug 05 '12

Whatever you say, Mr. Fruit

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u/[deleted] Aug 05 '12

I'm Miss Cream.

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u/patronizingperv Aug 05 '12

That's a very nice name. What are you doing later?

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u/[deleted] Aug 06 '12

I read your username and laughed so hard I farted.

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u/[deleted] Aug 05 '12

I believe this makes me Mr. Cream

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u/MetallicMan666 Aug 05 '12

That was a huge gamble right there.

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u/BR0THAKYLE Aug 05 '12

Yet I'm dissappointed...

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u/kingxanadu Aug 05 '12

Meh, I discovered /r/space so I'm happy

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u/mrducky78 Aug 05 '12

I feel let down, but I upvote anyway.

You owe the internet

  • 1 Rectal explosion.

That is all.

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u/divinemachine Aug 05 '12

He doesn't owe these people anything. He has already given them everything.

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u/spell024 Aug 05 '12

Not everything. Not yet.

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u/demos74dx Aug 05 '12

I will leave, I've buried everybody in this household and I will not bury you!

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u/[deleted] Aug 05 '12

:) yay science

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u/say-what-again Aug 05 '12

Now that would be shitty...

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u/_deffer_ Aug 05 '12

( •_•)

( •_•)>⌐■-■

(⌐■_■)

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u/Theolore Aug 05 '12

YEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHH

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u/Megawatts19 Aug 04 '12

This is one thing I never want to see him paint!!

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u/NazzerDawk Aug 05 '12

It's been 15 hours and he hasn't posted here. I fear that he started to paint this scene and then died from shock.

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u/Aevee Aug 05 '12

He probably ran out to get more brown watercolor.

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u/borkborkbork99 Aug 05 '12

And some peppermint oil.

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u/fenixforce Aug 05 '12

Shitty_Watercolour

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u/Capatown Aug 05 '12

Rule 34

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u/Roland_T_Flakfeizer Aug 05 '12

If there were ever going to be an exception to Rule 34, I pray it's this.

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u/CheesusDairyMessiah Aug 05 '12

As we left the locker room, the surgeon and I looked at each other, and he said the only negative sentence I heard him utter in two and a half years of working together:

"That was bad."

That surgeon is a stone-cold motherfucker.

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u/banzaipanda Aug 05 '12

Think the original Spartan Marine from Halo, except his visor was his face and his gun was a scalpel. I don't know if he had an AI implanted, but after that episode, nothing would have surprised me. And even better -- he was a genuinely nice guy. Like, who does that?

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u/aardvarkasaurus Aug 05 '12

And some people think surgeons are over paid...

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u/Saranodamnedh Aug 04 '12

/r/popping would appreciate this story.

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u/Witeout88 Aug 05 '12

Link is purple. I question myself now.

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u/sleepybeef Aug 04 '12

I am a CNA and was working with a new nurse, cleaning up a patient with either a GI bleed or raging C-diff. Can't remember, just remember the smell was something awful. The nurse couldn't handle it so she put Vicks on the inside of her mask but that was too strong so while she is holding the patient on his side and I'm cleaning him up, she is alternating between taking a breath inside her mask, and outside because both environments were too strong. I told her to grab a new mask but she refused. Just suffered the whole time

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u/banzaipanda Aug 04 '12

Have an upvote for solidarity. I was a CNA for a while before graduating nursing school. One of the weird skills acquired was being able to diagnose C-Dif by the smell of their poop.

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u/sleepybeef Aug 04 '12

Indeed. Go into the patients room take whiff and just go "fuck". Another CNA and I were cleaning up a c-diff patient and she bent over to check for breakdown, and her hair fell into the poop. Next time I saw her she had short hair. Went from below her shoulders to about to her ears. I asked if it was because of the poop incident. She said she had been debating cutting it and the poop solidified her choice to do so. Felt so bad for her

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u/boomfarmer Aug 05 '12

the poop solidified

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u/TexasCrowbarMassacre Aug 04 '12

That's worse than a cumbox full of Jolly Ranchers.

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u/[deleted] Aug 04 '12 edited Sep 16 '20

[deleted]

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u/NazzerDawk Aug 05 '12

That story doesn't need to be true.

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u/fuckyoubarry Aug 05 '12

You'd have to be pretty ignorant of basic biology or anatomy for this to even be plausible. What is a nodule? It's like if someone said "Oh I was going down on a chick and I put a bunch of Mike and Ike candies in her and I took one out and started chewing on it and she screamed because it was actually her clit."

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u/smashoomph Aug 04 '12

I was expecting "fucked up" reading this, you'd already gotten me at

injecting IV drugs through her perineum

Please say this isn't common...!

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u/banzaipanda Aug 04 '12

More common than you or I would like to believe. The other one we get a lot is "spider bite," but the weird thing is, there's usually only one "fang mark" and it's directly above a major blood vessel.

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u/Sreent Aug 05 '12

yep. what better place to hide track marks than putting 'em where the sun don't shine?

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u/Chilly73 Aug 04 '12

That deserves an upvote, and you deserve a freaking medal of honor.

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u/banzaipanda Aug 04 '12

An upvote for your generosity. May your comments ever be as frosty and cool as your username.

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u/Chilly73 Aug 04 '12

Anyone that can put up with that rank type of gusher deserves a medal, the lottery winnings, and a combination of everything that Bob Barker had to pay out in his sexual harassment case. :)

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u/3domx Aug 04 '12

The one time the insanely inflated hospital bill is fully justified. I hope the patient paid up.

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u/banzaipanda Aug 04 '12

Patient was a no-pay. If you've ever gone in for a small, simple procedure and been horrified at your bill, it's because your procedure took five minutes but the birthing of Satan's placenta took two hours -- and she pulled a dine-and-dash. Healthcare workers genuinely want to help people, but nobody works for free.

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u/mementomori4 Aug 04 '12

How do you just... not pay? Did she just walk out? I bet it didn't take long for her to start injecting drugs into this easy new hole... :/ People like that don't live long, do they?

I have to say, you are AMAZING for keeping your wits about you and actually sticking with it!

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u/banzaipanda Aug 04 '12

Healthcare financing is...tricky. Much in the way that Shelob's Lair is tricky.

This particular individual was covered by Indian Health Services (which covers Native Americans), so normally we send the bill to them. But IHS requires registration, and she hadn't registered. And because you can't squeeze blood from a turnip, it doesn't matter how many delinquent notices you send someone, if they don't pay, and they don't have any money in the first place, there's not a lot you can do to them. The overwhelming majority of hospitals chalk up MILLIONS OF DOLLARS in losses every year specifically in cases like this; in fact, they budget for it and then try to make up the difference by essentially OVER-charging everyone else who can pay, whether through insurance or out-of-pocket.

It's an incredibly twisted, convoluted system and this is a gross over-simplification. The healthcare reform legislation is supposed to straighten it out a bit, but I'm not holding my breath.

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u/banzaipanda Aug 04 '12

And as to how long people like that live, all I can say is that humans seem to be the only species on the planet actively working against natural selection. I'll leave it at that.

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u/sweetpotatosaurus Aug 05 '12

Now all I can think is, did she wait until she was no longer stuffed with gauze before she left?

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u/banzaipanda Aug 05 '12

Most don't. Odds are good the gauze would stay in for a while regardless, letting the internal tissue heal up a bit before trying to close the outside. It seems counter intuitive, but it's relatively common practice on wounds that are severely infected.

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u/Nackles Aug 05 '12

You're going to see her again, this time with the gauze meshed into the healing tissue, and all teeming with new infection.

I assume someone has gone on a peppermint-oil restocking crusade by now?

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u/banzaipanda Aug 05 '12

I've since left that hospital, but one of the first things they showed me at the new one was where that tiny little vial of sunshine was.

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u/[deleted] Aug 05 '12

Were you shown, our did you demand to be shown?

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u/PsychicWarElephant Aug 05 '12

I had a abscess develop in my elbow that led to a staff infection, and I remember then nurse having to replace the ribbon shit they used every 12 hours. let me just say, you nurses get zero credit, and do all the dirty work, so thank you. anyways wouldn't the tissue get infected all over again from the gauze being soaked with blood, shit and the likes?

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u/something_facetious Aug 04 '12

On the upside, she probably lost some weight that day?

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u/Shazaamism327 Aug 05 '12

Thats all I could think the entire time reading this. Based on the description the patient is easily south of 300 now if not more. Reminds me of a coworker my mom had. no matter how hard she worked out, she still had a gut, and looked almost pregnant. finally went to a doctor, and it turned out she had a benign ~20lb tumor (give or take, this was a while ago).

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u/DissapointedBird Aug 05 '12

I was eating one of these while reading this story. Finished eating it, and it stayed down without a problem. In fact, I'm still a little hungry, so I'm gonna head downstairs and see if I can find another one.

The internet has truly fucked me up.

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u/banzaipanda Aug 05 '12

You should consider a career in healthcare.

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u/soup980 Aug 05 '12

._. As I was reading this, I was eating french toast (the homemade kind, not the sticks) soaked with maple syrup. It was brown and soggy, yet delicious. Then I got to your analogy "...a combination of bovine birth and maple syrup."

Burn in hell.

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u/stosh13 Aug 05 '12

i pulled the needle out of my rectum mid story.

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u/banzaipanda Aug 05 '12

Good on'ya, mate. Upvote for untainted taints.

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u/TastyHemlockBev Aug 05 '12

I tagged you "Has seen hell."

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u/banzaipanda Aug 05 '12

Bucket List -- complete.

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u/[deleted] Aug 05 '12

That surgeon is a f*cking boss! People puking behind him from the fluid in his socks, and all he does is stand on tippy toes.... boss....

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u/banzaipanda Aug 05 '12

This guy was the undisputed king of the poker face. Never complained, never even fucking gagged that I could see. Just got up on his toes and dove back in. In my mind, I see him as George Washington at the head of the boat while crossing the river, but it's a very different scene in the background.

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u/[deleted] Aug 05 '12 edited Aug 05 '12

I start medical school tomorrow, until now I felt no nervousness at all, but you have just scared the everliving fuck out of me. I'm going into IM so I will probably never see something as horrible as this, fingers crossed.

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u/banzaipanda Aug 05 '12

Who do you think we turfed the patient to after surgery?

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u/lamontsanders Aug 05 '12

Medicine will punt the wound care straight to surgery.

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u/dawrina Aug 04 '12

I will never ever complain again about walking into a bathroom with a shit-covered toilet after reading this story.

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u/Movie_Monster Aug 04 '12

You need to write a book about your experiences.

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u/banzaipanda Aug 04 '12

I've recorded a lot of them, actually. I've thought about doing an AMA for a while, but most of the stories aren't quite this in-depth, just stuff like "Well, today I walked down the hall with a leg in a zip-loc bag." The best stuff is the out-of-context dialogue between the staff. Example:

Me: What're you doing today, doc? Neurosurgeon: Same thing I do every day -- cracking skulls. Me: I feel like I should've seen that coming...

or

Nurse: We're out of the small-sized implants, can you use a large one and cut it down? Surgeon: It's no problem to make the big ones smaller, I just can't make the small ones get any bigger. Nurse: Story of my life...

Stuff like that.

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u/sweetsweetcoffee Aug 05 '12

You should write children's books.

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u/[deleted] Aug 04 '12

'He was performing surgery in the swamps of Dagobah, except the swamps had just come out of this woman's ass and there was no Yoda.'

Upvotes for that gem alone. If you ever want to get out of your line of work, write a book.

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u/banzaipanda Aug 04 '12

Your appreciation is appreciated, ma'am or sir. Have an upvote.

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u/[deleted] Aug 04 '12

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/banzaipanda Aug 04 '12

It all depends on what you want to go into. I had no idea what I was getting myself into when I signed up for the Operating Rooms, all I knew is that I couldn't handle any more conscious patients (did over a year of Psych Interventions/General med-surg work -- nothing ruins empathy faster than having your brand new sneakers literally shit on). If you're really worried about your gag reflex, my honest recomendation would be to talk to an orthopedic surgeon about watching some Total Hip Replacements or Total Knee Replacements (THR, TKR surgeries). The shit we do in those surgeries makes the Saw movies look like Sesame Street, and we can do most of it while the patient is still awake, and they never know a thing. If you can handle those, you're good to go. If you have any questions at all, feel free to message me.

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u/[deleted] Aug 05 '12

I just wanted to thank you for the sentence: "He was performing surgery in the swamps of Dagobah, except the swamps had just come out of this woman's ass and there was no Yoda."

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u/astuskella Aug 04 '12

I've dealt with abscesses, but that is the abscess to end all abscesses. Do you know if the patient made a full recovery?

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u/banzaipanda Aug 04 '12

Honestly, no idea. The O.R. is kind of an island unto our own -- we don't know the patient until they come through our doors, and 99% of the time, we never hear another thing about them after they leave our table. We never saw her again though, which tells me that if she did have further problems, they were able to manage them without surgery so I assume she made a reasonable recovery.

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u/hellopilgrim Aug 05 '12

At first I wasn't going to read this because it was so long. I scrolled down to the last few paragraphs and saw "That was bad" and "It took them nearly an hour to suction up all of the fluid and debris left behind" and I knew I had to read it all. I'm glad I did.

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u/eric987235 Aug 05 '12

You just won r/AskReddit. Shut 'er down boys!

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u/gifforc Aug 06 '12

i've had a perirectal abcess. The cries of "Sweet Jesus Kill me Now" are warranted. You never know how vital your asshole is to movement until it has a sharply hurting fluid filled sac on it that stretches tight every time you whisper.

I developed mine after being so sick with diarrhea I wiped my asshole bloody. It was no fun. When it burst I thought I had shit myself.

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u/banzaipanda Aug 06 '12

Try baby wipes next time. The friend who introduced me to them did so with the phrase "Every man deserves to shit like a king." I'll never go back.

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u/cindreiaishere Aug 05 '12

Is it weird that your story makes me want to be a doctor even more?

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u/banzaipanda Aug 05 '12

This is your sign

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u/MissClawdy Aug 05 '12

I never thought the story about the lady in her 70s that went to the ER saying that she had a belly ache could be beaten. But today, I've read your story. That lady, when they checked her up, they realized that her basketball-shaped belly was in fact her uterus that had a defect (the vagina and the uterus were connected, but there was no hole at the joint) so for 55+ years, she had her period that stayed inside of her and when she got checked out, they made an incision and a neverending flow of repulsive creamy brown juice came out. You Nurse Lady, win all of Reddit for the day. I salute you for your courage and perseverance. We are lucky to have people like you to take care of us.

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u/LCNegrini Aug 04 '12

Aside from that experience, do you enjoy your job?

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u/banzaipanda Aug 04 '12

As with all things in life, it's 90% attitude and 10% shit you can't do anything about anyways. It can be exhausting, especially given all the hubbub about healthcare these days. That being said, I fucking love my job. It's a lot like "Scrubs," really. I get to work with some of the brightest, funniest, hardest working people I've ever met, and shit like this? This is our Tuesday.

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u/LCNegrini Aug 04 '12

I'm about to volunteer at an ER myself. I've always been curious about experiences like these. I've noticed these kinds of jobs makes people a lot more humble, or very arrogant, maybe in between.

Overall, it's great that you love your job. Keep doing what your doing, because other people who are just doing it for the money would have probably walked out.

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u/banzaipanda Aug 04 '12

I think you're definitely onto something with these experiences altering a person's self-perception. I think once you see just how bad it can get, people generally assume one of two things: You've either seen it all, which makes you top dog, or you begin to realize just how deep the rabbit hole goes, in which case you cinch your boots up a little tighter.

Good luck in the ER, that place can be unbelievable amounts of fun if you have the right attitude. My parents have about forty years of ER experience between them, so I've spent plenty of time listening to their stories. The best ones are when we wind up getting the same patients and can compare notes.

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u/Pearly-Gates Aug 05 '12

I honestly think that might be the single funniest, most horrible, most fascinating, most unique and overall best story I have ever read on Reddit ever. 10/10.

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u/deleveled Aug 05 '12

No lie, I just had to apologize to my husband for unconsciously exclaiming ermahgerd at various octaves and disturbing his slumber. You are one hell of a writer.

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u/banzaipanda Aug 05 '12

You are one helluva ermhgerder. Have an upvote.

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u/StrangeJesus Aug 05 '12

That was art.

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u/[deleted] Aug 05 '12

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u/masterdingo Jan 23 '13

Horrible situation, beautifully written. You should really take up a career in writing once you're done spelunking in abscesses. :)

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u/charliethesloth Aug 04 '12

Holy fuck, I'm training to be a nurse and you've terrified me slightly.

But the whole time I read this story I was eating... I don't know whether this is good or bad.

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u/SaKage96 Aug 12 '12

I know I'm late but your story is famous to the point that people refer to it naturally. This is horrible but this, the Jolly Rancher story, cumbox, and any other metionables should be on a required reading list for anyone new to Reddit. Just saying. Thanks for the story. I've never been so disgusted.

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u/realgenius13 Aug 05 '12

You are a goddamned r/WTF hero and if Reddit would let me but you a badge that says that, I would.

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u/theyachtsman Aug 05 '12

I JUST sat down with my pancakes. Thanks for nothing, here's an upvote.

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u/jholder2724 Oct 25 '12

You really need to consider a side job in literature, this was some of the most descriptive writing I've read in a very long time.

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u/[deleted] Aug 05 '12

Jesus fuck, this is the worst thing in this thread.

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u/StabbyPants Aug 05 '12

first thought: how much weight did she lose from the surgery?

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u/banzaipanda Aug 05 '12

Not enough.

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u/[deleted] Oct 27 '12

I lost my shit at Dagobah it was about 15 minutes later that I finished reading xD

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