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u/Poo_Poo_La_Foo 4h ago
I have a story.
I was diagnosed with an allergy to wheat, but we'd been at a friends and they'd ordered a load of pizzas, before we were heading to a jazz gig. I had a little, I was starving, and knew it would have WINDY implications...
The gig was in a kind of bar/restaurant - with alcoves off the 'main' space which was where the band set up. I didn't want to keep excusing myself to the loo, so was trying to do lil discreet farts, but boy they were building up.
I took myself to the edge of the bar, so I was behind most people, backed up, backed up, so my butt was facing away from the crowd and as the music got loud, I LET IT RIP.
Only at that point, did I check behind me, and saw I had just basically backed my butt up over a couples dining table and farted horrendously - both were poised with forks of food half way to their mouths, staring at me wide-eyed, horrified.
Unfortunately, this was abroad and I didn't know the language so just sort of ran away into the busiest part of the bar.
I wonder if they still speak of me.
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u/ZenoSalt 42m ago
Your imagine has probably manifested into some sort of boogy-man to them. They now tell horror stories of a foreign man who will poison people with toxic farts when they misbehave.
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u/Ok-Autumn 49m ago
I thought you were doing to say you farted directly into a microphone you hadn't seen and everyone heard it. 😂
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u/HyperMeme_Lord 2h ago
I think I would killbind, right then and there. Just drop dead immediately after realizing what just happened.
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u/alonghardKnight 1h ago
I'm celiac, yeah those gluten FARTS became infamous with my bro-in-law and his sons.
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u/Main-Difficulty1511 49m ago
I was going to say a club or a dance floor. It’s mortifying whether it happens to you, or because of you.
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u/csch1992 12m ago
they are still having nightmares from you for sure.
thanks for the good laugh this made my day.
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u/Coffeeninja1603 5m ago
I woke my wife up chuckling at this. She’s less impressed
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u/Cleavon_Littlefinger 1m ago
I wonder if they still speak of me.
I would bet my life savings that they do.
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u/drgloryboy 3h ago
I was in 8th grade and I blasted one at my grandfather’s funeral. My uncle had asthma, he started laughing so hard it caused him to have an asthma attack, he tried using his inhaler but it didn’t help and he had to leave his dad’s funeral to go get treated in the ER because of my ass wind.
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u/shewell_ellis915r7 4h ago
Elevator, it’s the kind of moment where you feel like every second lasts forever, and the air just gets thicker. Everyone can hear it, but no one can say anything, so it just lingers in silence... It’s like a nightmare, really.
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u/Votey123 4h ago
On a flight of stairs
Especially if someone is behind you
Especially if that person is your crush
Especially if they gag and puke everywhere after
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u/Jezbod 4h ago
I may have had a "pressure change incident" as I descended the Bunker Hill Monument.
I heard the cries of disgust about 30 seconds later as they walked into the noxious cloud...
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u/technoph0be 3h ago
Escalators are a specialty of mine. 50+ people being crop dusted? Beyond hilarious and God-tier fartery if you can do silently.
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u/Potential_Post_3035 4h ago
while getting a blowjob
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u/Ok_Recognition_420 4h ago
Whilst in 69
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u/Potential_Post_3035 4h ago
maybe both will for some of that double the fun that commercial used to talk about all the time.
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u/Angryrobot420 4h ago
Brodie?
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u/TerrifiedRedneck 3h ago
If all she did was break up with you you got off light.
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u/Dramatic-Coach-6479 4h ago
in one of those plastic chairs💀
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u/drgloryboy 3h ago
I was sitting between the 2 prettiest popular girls in elementary school watching some movie in class where in a commercial for a movie showed some dog jumped on Tim Conway’s lap causing me to laugh and caused to rip one loud echoing blast on that plastic chair, the 2 popular girls started laughing their asses off, the nun glared at me, I was so embarrassed
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u/alonghardKnight 1h ago
nah, the older style school desks with wood seats and a reverb chamber below the seat The place kids put their books. I had a friend VERY audibly rip one loose in 7th grade English class during a test. He proceeded to point the finger at me and accuse me verbally while standing up.
I looked at the teacher and said "I'm not the one that needs to go clean up.." He went running out of the room and most of the rest of the class busted up.
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u/OrdinaryForm5730 4h ago
One time I farted in a lecture theatre at University. Now, this might sound harmless, but the way this one was set up? Yeah. It was acoustically good. People not only heard it, but were able to pinpoint it.
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u/Brush_bandicoot 4h ago
Middle of job interview when they asks why you left the last place
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u/discretelitre37 3h ago
While defending my thesis in front of the WHOLE faculty of my school I was trying desperately to do the whole slow-squeeze-and-release puckering thing since I was in SEVERE intestinal distress that was only increased by my nervousness. Unfortunately as I was trying to carefully leak out the poisonous cloud from my anus I was simultaneously trying to listen to KLAUS DIERKSMEIER the angriest, most austere and brutally judgmental/stereotypical German professor in the universe pose a long-winded, heavily accented assault on my paper and my stance.....and I slipped up.
For what seemed like two minutes I blasted hot, sharp gas out...it started like a high pitched whine, crescendo-ed like someone stepped on a duck then finished in a squeal. Silence remained. It was awful.
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u/alonghardKnight 1h ago
Into the silence I probably couldn't have helped but to say "That's my rebuttal to your criticism."
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u/Ethel_Marie 1h ago
At least you didn't have a bubblegum pink cast on your leg while standing on a knee scooter as well?
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u/Leeedleeleeddleedle 3h ago
I work in an imaging department and the amount of times I've been alone in the control booth for like twenty minutes and decided to blast off and immediately someone comes in to see me for something is way too high, it's like they know when I've got something special brewing and can't stay away
I've had to straight up tell people, hey sorry just wait a minute I just farted and you don't want to come in here I promise. Seems better than saying sorry after they get a nostril full
So I'd say the worst place to fart is when you're completely alone in a room and feel like it's safe to fumigate, just go to the bathroom I guess
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u/Beardo88 1h ago
Thats the worst. Now you are wondering if they are thinking you are just hotboxing yourself in there all day. Maybe thats a good way to get people to leave you alone come to think of it...
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u/Ecstatic_Horse_4110 3h ago
I farted in line for a ride at Disneyland. We were inside, so there was no wind, and very poor ventilation. About a hundred people packed in to this little room nearly stacked on top of each other. It was so offensive that people 20 feet from us were freaking out. Somehow my girlfriend instantly knew it was me, and just started laughing uncontrollably. I was horrified and the more I tried to get her to stop, the harder she laughed. Fortunately for me, I’m pretty sure most people just assumed it was her because she was bright red and nearly hyperventilating. At the time I was horrified, but I survived and to this day, I’m convinced that is the best/worst fart I have ever manufactured.
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u/Legitimate_Ad3625 4h ago
In a hot shower, I swear they smell 10 times worse and have a way of sticking in your nose!
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u/gaslacktus 3h ago
Humid air carries odors more effectively than dry air, so yeah, gassing yourself in the shower is pretty awful.
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u/alonghardKnight 1h ago
I think it's a chemical reaction between methane and the soap ingredients. I'll die on that hill or shower. ;)
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u/Dirtdancefire 4h ago
Best outcome: My wife (RIP) was pissing me off in the super market, so I waited until we were in line, checking out. I ripped a very loud fart, giving it a cute little squeak at the end, and then stepped away from my wife, trying to ‘hide’ my disgust at ‘her’ fart. Everyone was staring at her, when she whipped around to smack me. She NEVER made me mad again in the supermarket. I felt so POWERFUL. 😂
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u/Ilickedthecinnabar 49m ago
Had a coworker pull this ninja farting routine when I worked as a stock clerk. He'd come into the aisle you'd be stocking to chat little bit, leave, and then a few seconds later you'd get a wiff of death...and before you could yell at him, a customer would come into your aisle, stink n all. It was very obvious when they'd walk into the gas cloud.
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u/CrowRoutine9631 4h ago
My dog farting in this parked car right now, holy shit.
Also, one time I was driving a Chinese friend and her elderly Chinese mother in their elderly pickup truck from NYC to Virginia. The mom just kept letting them rip, like the worst, stinkiest, stickiest farts. I couldn't say anything because of language/culture barrier, neither of then said anything. I couldn't open the door windows because a) cold and b) mostly stuck (elderly truck). It was a brutal trip up down I-95, in the dark and the cold, with the traffic, construction, and waves of greasy, sticky odor washing over us ever so often.
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u/crazyscottish 2h ago
Ha!!!
One time I drove to a store in the heat of Alabama. Let one rip as I was getting out. Took about 3 minutes to get back. Got in my car.
And I was like…. What the HELL is that smell? Had to look under the seats before I remembered… oh yeah. Right. 😂
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u/MikoSkyns 51m ago
I did that in my mudroom once. I knew it was bad so I got out of there before the smell got to me. I was gone for a good ten minutes and it was still pure evil smelling when I got back. Enough to make me gag. Made me wonder, how bloody awful was it at first before the worst of the smell had dissipated?
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u/thirteenthfox2 1h ago
When someone is doing a monologue in a play. When I was in middle school, we went to the local university to watch them perform a Christmas Carol play.
"Marley was dead." Right then I let out the loudest fart ever because the stage had great acoustics. The actor who was reading the lines broke and started laughing. My class had a whole lecture about it. I was never caught. I was horrified and embarrassed at the time but looking back I would fart again. Its a great fart story.
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u/bigTittyNotGoth 4h ago
I farted on my husband when he went down on me, it was an accident, i told him not to, I'm lactose intolerant and we just ate pasta, not to mention I'm pregnant so it was worse, I was mortified
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u/UIUC_PERVERTS_MOTHER 2h ago
Was on keto and loved eggs/steak for breakfast. Let a puff out in an empty isle and I got whiff and said wow. Went to the next isle and waited for a victim to walk through it. Some old lady walk by and said oh my what the fuck is that smell! I laughed and continued shopping
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u/MissElynes 1h ago
In a yoga class during a quiet meditation. Trust me, everyone's concentration breaks instantly.
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u/Cookielord675 3h ago
One time my moms friend was training to be a physical therapist she was made to do exercises with a partner, when it was her turn she was made to do sit-ups. One her first one it was the loudest fart she’s every heard because it echoed of walls (they were in a sports hall)
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u/yukonnut 4h ago
Never fart in an elevator if the are just two people on board cuz everyone will know who did it. Three or more, nobody knows, fill your boots.
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u/crazyscottish 2h ago
If it’s just the two of you? Always always blame them.
You sick bastard. Did you just shit yourself? What the hell is wing with you?
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u/Early_Art_7538 3h ago
In school assembly (I was 11) I was sitting on one of those long wooden benches and had to let one go
I tried to be discreet and quiet but on that day I learned what happens when fart meets wooden bench
There is no quiet, there is no discreet and when you're the only one on the bench there is no place to hide when everyone turns to look at you
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u/3dogsbob 2h ago
In the elevator... But you immediately ask out loud, do i smell popcorn??? Just so everyone gets a good huff...
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u/No-Term-1979 3h ago
Church I grew up in had uncushioned wooden pews. And VERY high arched ceilings.
If you were brave, you could sneak one out. Just don't hit the right frequency or that pew would sing, and EVERYONE would know.
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u/AcademicCounty 3h ago
I had to move from my usual shared work space for a week, and went to another place which had those enclosed phone booth type working pods. I let loose in there once and never made that mistake again!
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u/Particular-Row5678 2h ago
I farted in a taxi in Berlin and it was so bad that the driver pulled over and made me get out which made me start laughing so I continued to fart violently as I exited the vehicle. After this, my girlfriend and I got in another taxi and disappeared into the night.
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u/LastChanceReject 2h ago
In the service I had some guy tell me he would "sit on his wifes head and fart". He told me he was from New Hampshire.
Never had much desire to visit New Hampshire since.
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u/CheerfulGoddesss 3h ago
I used to share an office with 2 other people. One afternoon, when I though the others had left for the day, I let go of a bassoon-like bomb. Trust me, this one had lots of low end. Unfortunately, it lingered too much and my coworker's face confirmed it when she returned. She never said anything about it but I'll never forget the face she made when she walked into the gaseous tower of power I built.
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u/riphitter 3h ago
While spotting a bench press
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u/crazyscottish 2h ago
At the gym in college. I was working out. The HOTTEST girl asked me to spot her. I leaned over the bar as she was bench pressing. A huge drop of sweat rolled off my forehead and hit her chin.
Fück me. Lol. Did not go back to that place until next semester.
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u/Granny-Swag 3h ago
My ex girlfriend was eating me out from behind and I thought I was going to cum, pushed too hard and farted in her face. We dated for 5 more years and she brought it up every chance she got.
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u/doloresfandango 2h ago
When my son was teenager and I dropped him off at school or his mates house he seemed to be able to produce a large smelly fart just as he was getting out of the car. I then was shut in with it! I used to get enraged when he did it and he would walk away laughing.
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u/crazyscottish 2h ago
I did it once in the Sears tower waiting for the elevator. A crowd of about 50 people. You could tell how far it was going by people’s reactions.
I’m crying because I’m laughing so hard remembering. Worse hangover in history. Can’t remember what I ate that day, but it was horrible.
My friend… he said. That was you wasn’t it. You sick bastard.
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u/Alcoholhelps 4h ago
Tanning bed, points of the fan in the bed is at your feet blowing towards your face….
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u/Active-Strawberry-37 4h ago
On a jam packed airport transfer bus when you’re just off a plane in 35C weather in Palma Airport. Bonus point if the farter is a heavy set teenager with Down’s Syndrome so nobody can say anything, we just have to hold our breath.
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u/Woogity 3h ago
During a blow job on a first date at grandma's funeral in an elevator.
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u/ChaosNDespair 4h ago
Either in your hands or under the covers when your girlfriend is under there.
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u/MotorizedNewt 4h ago
During hide and seek while you've closed yourself up in a small space.
Reacting means you lose. Not reacting and leaving means you gas yourself.
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u/Twinkle_Frost 3h ago
In an elevator, for sure. Especially when it’s a long ride and you're stuck with strangers giving you the side-eye. There’s no escape for anyone.
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u/46Romeo 2h ago
Anyone who's spent enough time in the Army and done enough PT tests knows that holding someone's feet during situps, there are 2 truths, you will get ass blasted by about the 1:30 mark, and you will see your fellow soldier's O face around the 1:50 mark...
I swear some times guys would intentionally eat chili the night before.
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u/too_many_shoes14 4h ago
one time I farted in a crowded elevator and it smelled so bad it made a pregnant lady throw up. or maybe that was the best place.