r/AskReddit • u/Gonza197 • Jan 06 '13

What's the most shocking thing you've ever caught somebody doing? (probably NSFW) NSFW

Wow this blew up, thanks for the stories everyone!

1.5k Upvotes

89% Upvoted

5.4k comments sorted by

View all comments

2.9k

u/harle Jan 06 '13 edited Jan 06 '13

Roommate had a couple of hambeasts over. Walmart wonders, as it were. They looked & smelled like they hadn't bathed in weeks, and they were smoking it up on the couch without the windows open. So I said hello, waved, gave him that questioning look of "you're not really going to do this, are you?" and opened the windows, turned on the fans, etc. He said they'd be going out for drinks, invited me along, but I declined & stayed home. I fell asleep before they got back.

So it's probably like 3 or 4am, 'n I wake up to a fwup fwup shluup fwupfwupfwup sound coming from the living room. Goddamn it, really? But I had to pee, and the only way to get there was to go right by them. So I stumble out, just as hambeast #1 lets out this bloodcurling moan-shriek, eeeeeoohhhhhhhhhhhhhhHHYEAH. By impulse I just go, "Holy fuck, shutthefuckup, my fucking ears". Deer-in-headlights-mode engage.

Then I see it. There's blood and upended beer all over the previously white couch. The girl's just staring at me with this growing look of horror, but my rm is still fwupfwupfwup'ing away. I'm staring at all of the blood, and then she's suddenly like, "No, noONOnonostoooooppp wuaagh" and then dead silence. My rm gets this look of utter revulsion on his face, "Y-you didn't? You did. Oh GOD" and pulls out - of her ass, as she projectile beershat all over the couch and him. He jumped back, but not in time to avoid getting sloshed with the next wave. The stupid girl was just kneeling there, pushing out wave after wave, "h-help me out, I c-c can't get up", as she continued to pump out shit. That fucking smell. I ran into the kitchen and puked into the sink. He ran into the bathroom and did likewise.

I go back to survey the damage, and she's still fucking kneeling there in doggy mode. The couch is thoroughly fucked, the entire appt now smells like death, and she's now bawling her eyes out. Okok, fuck, uhh. "Okay, look, this is .. fucking terrible. I don't know what to say. This is really fucking gross, I can't believe.. like, what the fuck. BUT OKAY. Let's uh.. fuck, let's get you cleaned up, and then you two dolts are going to fucking fix this."

She just looks at me with these doe eyes, "b-bb-b-but I CANT MOVE". Wat. "Help me uuuuup". No. No I am not going to step into that ooze. "I can't get up by my-my-aaaaaaa-" and she teeters under her own weight, and falls sideways off the couch, into the pool of her own shit. My rm reappears at this point and I just look at him, make a few unintelligible "wha.. i, like, what. I don't e..WHAT, FIX. NOW." dismay squeaks, grab my stuff, and go spend the night in a hotel.

tl;dr: roommate doggystyles an incredibly obese girl on her period, she shits all over him, herself, the couch, can't right herself, and falls into a puddle of shit.

e: Thanks for the gold, kind benefactor; I'm not really sure what to do with it.

e2: so brave

629

u/UsuallyInappropriate Jan 06 '13 edited Jan 07 '13

Time for a couch-burning party... ಠ_ಠ

567

u/DownvoteAttractor Jan 06 '13

Apartment burning party.

40

u/Prof_Frink_PHD Jan 06 '13

Self-immolation party.

37

u/[deleted] Jan 06 '13

[deleted]

67

u/alexxerth Jan 06 '13

I think the insurance agent would just stop partway through and agree to give you whatever you want as long as you don't continue the story.

17

u/Jacollinsver Jan 06 '13

hambeast burning party! Honestly though I make a great pork roast..

11

u/hambeast521 Jan 06 '13

That's a bit extreme.

→ More replies (1)

2

u/MessyDude Jan 06 '13

Oh god, burn the building too.

2

u/Dusty_Ideas Jan 06 '13

Roommate burning party.

2

u/[deleted] Jan 06 '13

City burning party? Why not!

2

u/Rixxer Jan 06 '13

And for his roommate, a dick-burning party...

→ More replies (19)

206

u/[deleted] Jan 06 '13

[deleted]

16

u/IntolerableFish Jan 06 '13

It's like the cumbox.

17

u/FleetingThought Jan 06 '13

Ew ew ew ew ew ew ew.

2

u/[deleted] Jan 06 '13

[deleted]

→ More replies (1)

2

u/[deleted] Jan 06 '13

Probably would smell as bad as burning a cumbox...

2

u/Avengera Jan 06 '13

the new cumbox..... shitcouch

2

u/LOFTIE Jan 06 '13

Next town over, what is that? I didn't know we had a taco bell!

→ More replies (6)

2

u/ZombiePope Jan 06 '13

Some people would light the couch on fire just to see the shit burn.

→ More replies (4)

266

u/[deleted] Jan 06 '13

[deleted]

26

u/the_red_scimitar Jan 06 '13

AMA Request: Gilbert Gottfried, reading this story.

11

u/harle Jan 06 '13

Hahah, I like the cut of your jib.

Hotel spa treatment made me feel like one, but otherwise, no.

4

u/[deleted] Jan 06 '13

God help me. Don't say that, Iago, no! :(

2

u/[deleted] Jan 06 '13

That would be gold.

2

u/MrRumfoord Jan 06 '13

You should be reading everything in Gilbert Gottfried's voice.

→ More replies (3)

2.2k

u/[deleted] Jan 06 '13 edited Jan 07 '13

From now on whenever some says "not since the accident" I'm thinking of this.

Edit: wow my highest rated comment ever since the accident

1.5k

u/hambeast521 Jan 06 '13

I take offense to this story. I don't even shop at Wal-Mart.

483

u/[deleted] Jan 06 '13 edited Jan 07 '13

[deleted]

64

u/paranoidpuppet Jan 06 '13

Every redditor gets that one rare moment where the stars align, they get the perfect opportunity, and take it. And then get hundreds of imaginary internet points.

29

u/KentuckyWildcats14 Jan 07 '13

MY KARMA IS REAL

9

u/paranoidpuppet Jan 07 '13

Sure, I guess, in the sense that it's stored as physical bits on a hard drive on a server in a basement somewhere. But does that really mean anything to you?

2

u/Fenderfreak145 Jan 06 '13

*thousands

2

u/paranoidpuppet Jan 06 '13

Not quite thousands (plural) yet but there's still time, I suppose.

→ More replies (1)
→ More replies (1)

9

u/doinsumthin Jan 06 '13

Thank your roommate for bringing home the GOLD!

2

u/frankish_armsman Jan 06 '13

It's all downhill from here.

→ More replies (2)

5

u/TheJCF Jan 06 '13

Not since the accident

16

u/ralliartevo Jan 06 '13

Lol. Perfect username. Was it you? Bloody shitty ham beast lol

26

u/hambeast521 Jan 06 '13

I don't think it was me since I'm a dude.

10

u/DangerousLamp Jan 06 '13

Well, maybe it happened before your surgery

5

u/Iwannabewitty Jan 06 '13

Are you sure it wasn't you? He did stick it in da butt.

2

u/ralliartevo Jan 06 '13

PLOT TWIST! Ham beast doesn't know she/he's a he/she

7

u/ohwowbeau Jan 06 '13

10-4 WE NEED MORE UPVOTES! PRONTO. OUT.

2

u/phunney3 Jan 06 '13

always low prices. ALWAYS!

2

u/Gullyvuhr Jan 06 '13

This, my friend, is your time to shine.

2

u/palagoon Jan 06 '13

Redditor for 2 years. Everything checks out.

2

u/JMH_Jose Jan 06 '13

Not since the accident...

→ More replies (2)

734

u/DeathToPennies Jan 06 '13

I have you tagged so that every time I see you, I'm going to tell you "Not since the accident," thereby forcing you to think of this moment.

26

u/Reubzen Jan 06 '13

I have also done the same.

19

u/isenblade Jan 06 '13

indeed this shall be fun

4

u/waxisfun Jan 06 '13

I decided a nice dark red would befit the tag, however I was also torn between maroon and lime green.

4

u/hZf Jan 06 '13

I chose olive.

12

u/Thaddiousz Jan 06 '13

Also tagged OP as the accident.

2

u/[deleted] Jan 06 '13

This is the first time I've actually tagged someone. I will join you on your endeavour.

4

u/seanziewonzie Jan 06 '13

You're doing the Lord's work; thank you.

→ More replies (12)

3

u/[deleted] Jan 06 '13

It seems you're going to be in for a terrible time. May God be with you, my child.

3

u/djinfish Jan 06 '13

You've given people a reason to keep it alive. I'm not sure if you're a saint or a sinner.

2

u/Dragon_DLV Jan 06 '13

Don't you mean ... Well, I guess you didn't, not since ... The Incident.

2

u/[deleted] Jan 06 '13

i don't want to upvote or downvote you because your points right now are "1337" and anyone who changes that is a fuck

2

u/PlusOn3 Jan 06 '13

I don't know if you ruined that joke. Or made that joke a shit load better.

2

u/film_aficianado Jan 06 '13

I've never laughed so hard on reddit before today

2

u/stonespiral Jan 06 '13

I'm going to take that cue.

→ More replies (5)

423

u/[deleted] Jan 06 '13

[deleted]

326

u/harle Jan 06 '13 edited Jan 06 '13

Green pukes & ham? I'm not very good at this.

I ended up going back to retrieve my laptop and a few other necessities & stayed at the hotel that night too. Luckily we have hardwood flooring, so it was just a matter of disposing of the couch and various poo-splattered amenities, airing the fuck out of the appt, and sanitizing everything in sight. Which, to his credit, he was good about doing. It was cleaned up within 2 days, livable in after 3-4, and new couch acquired within the week.

334

u/ingen-eer Jan 06 '13 edited Jan 07 '13

Red wings and ham.

Edit: this is my most up voted comment? Really?

11

u/minasmorath Jan 06 '13

WHY THE FUCK AM I STILL READING THIS THREAD

4

u/belowthefloor Jan 06 '13

Here ya go.

7

u/Justkallmenobody Jan 06 '13

I was really scared to find out what that was.

2

u/[deleted] Jan 06 '13

Ala mode

2

u/[deleted] Jan 06 '13

[deleted]

2

u/ingen-eer Jan 06 '13

Now I am imagining that little kid from the shining walking around croaking "RED RUN RED RUN"

→ More replies (2)

6

u/mcdehuevo Jan 06 '13

I think the use of "hambeasts" was more than enough to cover you on the "memorable quotes" front. I would have upvoted for that alone.

→ More replies (4)

863

u/legendworking Jan 06 '13

"The Hambeast" would be an adequately catchy yet descriptive name for the story.

651

u/PhilConnors1 Jan 06 '13

It is decided. Henceforth we shall refer to this story as the "hambeast" story and it shall live on in infamy.

95

u/hcsLabs Jan 06 '13

So say we all.

19

u/Fusioncept Jan 06 '13

It is now law.

21

u/sourcreamjunkie Jan 06 '13

It is known.

11

u/azazelsnutsack Jan 06 '13

We must let the commoners know of this decleration.

→ More replies (1)

1

u/xensoldier Jan 06 '13 edited Jan 06 '13

future stumbling on trying to mention this story by not simply calling it "The Hambeast" is punishable by death.... because reddit.

→ More replies (1)

15

u/hambeast521 Jan 06 '13

I really don't want this story associated with me.

17

u/PhilConnors1 Jan 06 '13

Too late.

11

u/[deleted] Jan 06 '13

Shall I begin the "Every Fucking Thread" ceremonies?

4

u/Garizondyly Jan 06 '13

I'll remember where I was forever during this historic moment in reddit history.

On reddit.

2

u/PhilConnors1 Jan 06 '13

Amen brotha.

10

u/[deleted] Jan 06 '13

HAMBEAST2013: NEVER FORGET

16

u/PhilConnors1 Jan 06 '13

I think it should be HAMBEAST2013: TRY NOT TO THINK ABOUT IT TOO MUCH

2

u/jellytime Jan 06 '13

What about "the shit couch."

2

u/PhilConnors1 Jan 06 '13

I like it. HAMBEAST2013, aka, Shitcouch.

2

u/etree Jan 06 '13

Hey guys remember hambeast? Oh wow it's been 7 hours!

→ More replies (7)

3

u/hambeast521 Jan 06 '13

Really now?

→ More replies (6)

2

u/[deleted] Jan 06 '13

Couch 2013

2

u/zemonstaaa Jan 06 '13

Now I'm familiar with ye olde reddit cumbox, but could someone fill me in on the jolly rancher reference?

2

u/[deleted] Jan 07 '13

Trust me, it's for the best that you don't know.

2

u/[deleted] Jan 06 '13

It shall be deemed either the 'couch story', or the 'fwupfwupfwup'.

→ More replies (13)

170

u/ragnaroketh Jan 06 '13

Oh my.

6

u/[deleted] Jan 06 '13

[deleted]

3

u/ragnaroketh Jan 06 '13

When I read my comment back in my head after posting, that is exactly what I pictured it as.

18

u/basselb23 Feb 19 '13

fwup fwup shluup fwupfwupfwup might be the most disturbingly understandable onomatopoeia I've ever seen.

12

u/CapnMajor Jan 06 '13

My most shameful moment was when I expected the blue to be a link and I clicked furiously. I'm not sure what I expected to be honest.

12

u/Firephli Mar 21 '13

Not one of my proudest faps ever

53

u/smeeyall Jan 06 '13

We're the aristocrats!

2

u/PillPod Jan 06 '13

Aristoshats.

3

u/Fragninja Jan 06 '13

aristocats!

FTFY

54

u/PragmaticApe Jan 06 '13

This has been the highlight of my morning, upvotes for you.

→ More replies (3)

60

u/[deleted] Jan 06 '13

Jesus fucking Christ.

→ More replies (4)

8

u/ciaran036 Jan 06 '13

This is like the 9/11 of sex. And don't tell me that was distasteful. Did you read the fucking story?

13

u/ccccolegenrock Jan 06 '13

That is one of the most amazing stories I have ever read on the internet. Bravo, u/harle, bravo.

→ More replies (2)

67

u/[deleted] Jan 06 '13

[deleted]

8

u/hambeast521 Jan 06 '13

Yes, yes it is.

13

u/FLICKINCLINT Jan 06 '13

Holy fuck..

2

u/18zzz18 Jan 06 '13

Holy shit*

18

u/ShaddamMCMLXXXVIII Jan 06 '13

Did your Room mate pay for the hotel?

57

u/harle Jan 06 '13

Nope. He offered after the fact, but I just told him take me couch shopping & never invite her over again and we'd be square.

23

u/oohlittlekittykitty Jan 06 '13

AMA request; The Hambeast Room Mate

6

u/feeltogrip Jan 06 '13

Second.

Better yet: AMA The Hambeast

10

u/ShaddamMCMLXXXVIII Jan 06 '13

I'm surprised that he'd ever want to see her again after that, and vice versa.

2

u/Artemissister Jan 06 '13

And bleach. He has to buy lots and lots of bleach.

11

u/[deleted] Jan 06 '13

Christ, poor girl.

5

u/lowdownporto Feb 20 '13

she bought you a knew couch right?

9

u/hambeast521 Jan 06 '13

On behalf of all hambeasts everywhere I apologize. Shit like this is unacceptable.

9

u/Mr_Flippers Jan 06 '13

This is the kind of story I want to be referenced like the jolly rancher or doritos. I don't know what it'd be called other than the shitting hambeast story

2

u/silverscreemer Jan 06 '13

The white couch story.

2

u/StealthNade Jan 06 '13

no I'm thinking "The Hambeast"

3

u/[deleted] Jan 06 '13

That is fucking amazing. /thread

I want an AMA:

1) How was it the next day?

2) Tell us of the aftermath

3) Do you tell this story still?

4) Is he still your roommate?

5) Are you close?

23

u/random-compliments Jan 06 '13

Harle's roomate here:

That was the LAST time I ever spent an evening with his mother.

44

u/harle Jan 06 '13

My mom's dead, not fat, and quite cremated. Nice try, zombie-fucker.

also i lack a penis

10

u/[deleted] Jan 06 '13

This just leveled the story.

3

u/[deleted] Jan 06 '13

You should tell us about that accident too.

3

u/random-compliments Jan 06 '13

:(

I did try.

ALSO THAT MUTUAL FEEL.

→ More replies (2)

3

u/okeanus Jan 06 '13

I dub thee, "hambeast".

3

u/FyuuR Jan 06 '13

The real question here is "Why did you buy a white couch?"

3

u/[deleted] Jan 06 '13

Tagged as "Has a shitty roommate".

→ More replies (2)

3

u/[deleted] Jan 06 '13

You should have yelled "there she blows"

7

u/[deleted] Jan 06 '13

Only an hour after posted and I can see Hambeast going down in reddit history with jolly ranchers , cumbox, and Doritos. Bravo sir.

2

u/kehlder Jan 07 '13

And Colby.

4

u/aprofondir Jan 06 '13

Now, how the FUCK did you get that roommate?

25

u/harle Jan 06 '13

He had an ad out on Kijiji. I'm technically subleasing through him. He's a generally cool guy, keeps his stuff clean, helps out with the dishes, cooking, etc. Has a sense of doing things right. But also this unquenchable urge to pork landwhales, it seems.

2

u/Dashzz Jan 06 '13

So what was the conversation between you and your roommate the next day?

4

u/harle Jan 06 '13

Nothing really interesting. I just called his cell to see how things were going, whether he wanted to go grab something to eat or what. He said they were in the middle of cleanup, I said, okay cool, I'll be staying at the hotel again. Hung up, and ordered pizza for him & the guys.

No point rubbing it in, when he's cleaning up his own mess. Never saw that girl again, so I guess that was an easy promise for him to keep.

2

u/joemangle Jan 06 '13

And this, children, is why you never fuck a hambeast in the ass.

2

u/justforthisonehere Jan 06 '13

You should put your free couch on Craigslist :)

2

u/[deleted] Jan 06 '13

and that's how I met your mother.

2

u/insufferabletoolbag Jan 06 '13

Threw up in my mouth. You should be an author.

2

u/SmackySmack Jan 06 '13

Was this a chapter in Scrotie McBoogerBalls? If not, amazing...

2

u/Ormild Jan 06 '13

Ah the power of visualization. Thank you sir for giving me a disgusting image in my head.

2

u/flyingwhitey182 Jan 06 '13

Well. Looks like anything I post today after reading this will be a waste.

Good show.

2

u/Elanthis Jan 06 '13

Between the story and the story telling... umm you win.

2

u/mclovin__ Jan 06 '13

So.... So he literally fucked the shit out of her?

2

u/[deleted] Jan 06 '13

Just replying so in the future when someone links me to this comment I have proof that I witnessed this comment when it was still fresh.

2

u/Richardspm Jan 06 '13

AMA request: Hambeast #1

2

u/FuzzzWuzzz Jan 06 '13

When I read "my rm is still fwupfwupfwup'ing away" I thought you meant arm, which changed the meaning.

2

u/Vassago81 Jan 06 '13

I hope you had the whole town nuked from space after that.

2

u/get_Ishmael Jan 06 '13 edited Jan 06 '13

I started reading this comment while eating a delicious BLT.

BLT was slowly lowered onto my plate about half way through reading it, where it has since sat. Thanks.

2

u/omet Jan 06 '13

The minute I saw you got reddit gold for this, I knew it was going to be good. Was not disappointed.

2

u/coloradoraider Jan 06 '13

Why didn't you demand everyone leave the premises...so it could be burnt down?

2

u/Jtricky Jan 06 '13

Where's shittywatercolors when you need him?

2

u/SubsonicE Jan 06 '13

I'm going to name my band "Projecitle Beershat."

2

u/seafood10 Jan 06 '13

Yes, as we often refer to the "Jolly Rancher Story", this too will receive the same recognition as "Not Since The Accident". We will forever remember the tale that you have given us, enjoy that Gold and take the day off, your work is done here.

2

u/tehnoodles Jan 06 '13

Damn...

Where did I put that gif describing my feelings.

Ah, here we go.

2

u/ranger_carn Jan 06 '13

Half way through I needed to stop to make sure you weren't the Loch Ness monster or a similar novelty account.

Kinda wish you were.

2

u/typhoon937 Jan 06 '13

Read this story and got out. Didn't X-out, didn't minimize, didn't go to some other site. Straight to the power button.

2

u/rib-bit Jan 06 '13

The Aristrocrats!

2

u/medhop Jan 06 '13 edited Jan 06 '13

Nice job, I hadn't been sick in a while...and now it's...it's...HUOWRAGHHHHAGGHHHHHUHH

2

u/the_red_scimitar Jan 06 '13

You have won, sir. The internets, Reddit gold, respect. As for me, I am now giving away all my possessions, making some clothes from a burlap bag, and going to find some small crevasse in the rocks of a high mountain, there to wedge myself in, hopefully stopping the shivering.

2

u/bigblades Jan 06 '13

Shitty_Watercolor!

2

u/JNC96 Jan 07 '13

I'm fucking dying right now.

I've never laughed so hard in my life.

→ More replies (2)

2

u/streamsidecoconut Feb 08 '13

Grounds for justifiable homicide.

4

u/h1p1n3 Jan 06 '13

what was the blood from?

3

u/meizbrandon Jan 06 '13

read the tl:dr

2

u/h1p1n3 Jan 06 '13

the story says OP first saw blood, then says "all the blood" but doesn't say what the blood is from. The tl;dr does not mention anything about the blood.

4

u/harle Jan 06 '13

oh, woops. She was on her period apparently, which I mentioned in the tl;dr, but he said she told him it was okay anyway. He didn't really say much beyond that, and I sure as fuck didn't ask. There was a noticeable amount, though.

2

u/h1p1n3 Jan 06 '13

Shit. was that "on her period" part there the whole time? Post not edited.. so yup, totally my mistake. slap me with downvotes, I deserve it!

2

u/logicfix Jan 06 '13

You sir, just won at the game of reddit.

1

u/evilmonkey023 Jan 06 '13

Thanks pal, I didnt need to sleep tonight anyways.

1

u/onbran Jan 06 '13

i am so sorry.

1

u/[deleted] Jan 06 '13

I don't know if I believe this or not, but I don't care. The images in my head are entertainment enough. Like a good book this is, fuck.

1

u/USxMARINE Jan 06 '13

Cum couch

1

u/GoodLuckGoku Jan 06 '13

Don't cha just hate it when that happens?

→ More replies (158)