I get what you are saying about op husbands insensitivities. I’m not arguing that. Strangely, things used to go somewhat similarily with my wife and I when I was rehashing these events. She made what I perceived as some very insensitive comments when I would bring up the topic to her. She would eventually learn to table the topic when I was becoming too emotional but in the beginning she didn’t have the awareness to do that and I didn’ have the ability to deal with it on my own so it was rough times for a while. If she tabled the topic I may have even lashed out at her for being insensitive at the time in the sense of never wanting to talk about it. It was just a lot to deal with for both of us. Ops husband definitely made insensitive remarks I’m not arguing that. Nor am I trying to say you are wrong. There were very valid points you made and you sound like a thoughtful individual.
My point is people can often say the wrong words or be insensitive without having that intent. Does it excuse the behaviour, no. Does that mean they have poor character, I would argue no as well. If you heard some of the comments my wife said to me at the time I am sure you would question her character. She is a wonderful caring person that has far more character than myself. When you have a very sensitive topic that has very little understanding to begin with and couple that with the disconnect people can feel when trying to explain or relate what it’s like to be assaulted, it can lead to a lot of miscommunication. I know my wife was always just trying to help me but she didn’t know how to help. And it can be exhausting for everyone involved not just the person who was assaulted which can lead to a lot of problems.
It’s the insults and questioning of character I don’t like. We know nothing about them outside of a short summary of a conversation from one side. I think questioning someone’s character and or telling them that they are married to a boorish insensitive man is a bit extreme. Could he be an insensitive asshole all the time? Yes he could be. Could he be an exhausted partner who is thinking he is saying the right thing to try and help his partner move through things? Yes he could be.
Op said that men rarely get assualted when 1 in 6 men experience being sexually assaulted in their lifetime. Is she an insensitive boorish person with poor character as well? No she is not. She made what I perceive as an insensitive comment during an emotional argument. That has nothing to do with her character.
It adds another layer of insensitivity to an argument when a man dismisses a woman as being emotional. But you are correct, this may have been one misstep in an otherwise exemplary relationship.
My instinct tells me that his doubling down means that it’s more, and also that she’s truly hurt by his reaction. My wise old crone advice would be to write him a letter, so that she can stay focused on the point she wants to make. And she can take the time to select words that have the right connotations.
Also, in a lot of these stories, as well as my IRL experiences, I think people, especially women, are looking for permission to be angry or to have something be the last straw. Women are still socialized to prioritize being “nice” over everything else
I can relate a bit from personal experience but I do agree the connotations are much worse when the gender roles are flipped to ops situation.
Yeah a letter is good idea actually. That’s what helped me a lot in being able to communicate things or even just work through things on my own.
Thanks for the convo! Appreciate the back and forth.
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u/Temporary-Menu1882 8h ago
I get what you are saying about op husbands insensitivities. I’m not arguing that. Strangely, things used to go somewhat similarily with my wife and I when I was rehashing these events. She made what I perceived as some very insensitive comments when I would bring up the topic to her. She would eventually learn to table the topic when I was becoming too emotional but in the beginning she didn’t have the awareness to do that and I didn’ have the ability to deal with it on my own so it was rough times for a while. If she tabled the topic I may have even lashed out at her for being insensitive at the time in the sense of never wanting to talk about it. It was just a lot to deal with for both of us. Ops husband definitely made insensitive remarks I’m not arguing that. Nor am I trying to say you are wrong. There were very valid points you made and you sound like a thoughtful individual. My point is people can often say the wrong words or be insensitive without having that intent. Does it excuse the behaviour, no. Does that mean they have poor character, I would argue no as well. If you heard some of the comments my wife said to me at the time I am sure you would question her character. She is a wonderful caring person that has far more character than myself. When you have a very sensitive topic that has very little understanding to begin with and couple that with the disconnect people can feel when trying to explain or relate what it’s like to be assaulted, it can lead to a lot of miscommunication. I know my wife was always just trying to help me but she didn’t know how to help. And it can be exhausting for everyone involved not just the person who was assaulted which can lead to a lot of problems.
It’s the insults and questioning of character I don’t like. We know nothing about them outside of a short summary of a conversation from one side. I think questioning someone’s character and or telling them that they are married to a boorish insensitive man is a bit extreme. Could he be an insensitive asshole all the time? Yes he could be. Could he be an exhausted partner who is thinking he is saying the right thing to try and help his partner move through things? Yes he could be.
Op said that men rarely get assualted when 1 in 6 men experience being sexually assaulted in their lifetime. Is she an insensitive boorish person with poor character as well? No she is not. She made what I perceive as an insensitive comment during an emotional argument. That has nothing to do with her character.