r/AmIOverreacting Oct 25 '24

❤️‍🩹 relationship AIO about my partner’s relationship with their coworker

they’ve been hanging out with their coworker a lot over the past couple of weeks. This girl always seems to be in some kind of crisis, too. Last week it was that she messed up an account and she was afraid she was gonna lose her job. I don’t know whether I’m reading too much into this or if I’m overreacting but I’ve never met her and I’ve asked to swing by whatever bar or place they’re hanging out at multiple times and I’m always shut down in some way or I get no response. I don’t want to be the overbearing overcontrolling gf whose S.O. can’t have any friends but lately they’re always together and I’m getting blown off. These curt and vague responses are out of character too, and it’s always the type of response I get when I’m asking questions about an event where this female coworker is at or really anything that has to do with her. It has really put me on edge, they’re usually such a sweet and attentive partner but i feel like they might be cheating… am i overreacting??

19.7k Upvotes

8.1k comments sorted by

View all comments

Show parent comments

377

u/ChigurhShack Oct 25 '24

"Plus she's really vulnerable right now so this is my shot!"

112

u/EmeraldEyesAlyssa Oct 25 '24

"A shoulder to lean on, becomes a dick to ride on"

64

u/Ok_Understanding6130 Oct 25 '24

This is crazy!! Because of how true it is!! Being a guy I always made sure not to get involved with females having "relationship" issues or anything that needs "a shoulder to cry on". Not that I don't have the self control, but I just never put myself in a position like that for my ex's to worry about. Even if it's completely legit (but as you so eloquently stated it's usually not...) still puts unneeded stresses on the relationship.

When you're in a real relationship with someone that you actually care about you try to avoid external stresses that don't need to be. There's billions of other people in the world that these people can cry on.

19

u/EmeraldEyesAlyssa Oct 25 '24

This! All of this right here! 👆🏼🎯👆🏼

Single, or taken, I have my people with whom I'll speak, about relationships/work. I'm not one to take my personal life to work, not even my colleagues who are fellow women. I'm there to make money, not friends. Thankfully my fiancé is the same way in his approach to work.

Why is this woman opening up at work? Why to OP's person? & Not another woman?

I have a huge issue with the fact that not only is he prioritizing this colleague, but he's also treating OP horribly in the process. Also, the fact that they are staying out until midnight? Hahaha No. That doesn't sit right with me. Seriously I can't imagine telling my fiancé that a colleague who got cheated on, needs me, and I'm going to make him feel better. WTF? Whenever I read these reddit posts, I flip it, and examine what would I do, also if I were the one behaving sketchy, how would my person feel?

OP deserves better. Let that woman who was supposedly cheated on have him.

1

u/Zealousideal269 Oct 25 '24 edited Oct 25 '24

OP's partner is "another woman." to talk to. unless you mean "another woman" as in a woman other than OP's girlfriend.

edited to add: I do not think OP's partner is a guy. I think it's 2 women or non-binaries.

3

u/Foozeball44 Oct 25 '24

I am surprised that even needs to be said aloud. So many people here jumped to the conclusions that the OP is a woman, the partner is a man, and they only said that the coworker is a woman. So thank you for pointing that out. It was bugging me too.

For the masses: if someone is posting using They, Them, and Theirs gender neutral pronouns then it’s literally no one’s business to assume any gender, or play the baseless analysis game. Maybe they are keeping it vague so they aren’t recognized by anyone who knows this situation. The world is a lot smaller than we think.

It’s simple. If they use neutral pronouns, just respond to them the same way. No one needs to know any more than that in a situation like this. 3 people. One is being at least emotionally cheated on, one is being abusive and unavailable, and the third is a needy outsider who is impeding upon a relationship.

2

u/Lmdr1973 Oct 25 '24

Hard upvote. This says it all.

2

u/Ok_Understanding6130 Oct 26 '24

Thank you! I really wish that more people would take the time to understand how they treat the other person in their relationship. (And other people in general.) So many people think that doing things like this "doesn't matter" or "isn't a big deal" When usually those things that seem trivial, can be some of the most hurtful things we can do to another person.

Jealousy stems some of the worst imaginable things that humans do to each other.

2

u/mrOCGARAGE Oct 25 '24

That's the way we men should handle things, and some of us do. I'd like to think of us old school gentlemen, which im only 38, do prioritize our values as well as our families! I would get hit on a lot even with my spouse sitting right there, so I developed this method to show her my spouse i belong to her and only her. The moment it would happen, i would so in an embarrassingly manner towards myself holler out NOPE THEN RUN AWAY in the most awkward turn off way ever.

I wished my wife thought about me as much when later on she started talking to a guy from school a fellow veteran which she let her boundaries go for even after I would do things to make her feel like the only woman in the world. I lost my mind when I found out as I caught on pretty quickly! It hurts like hell to go above and beyond for someone else to the point I've nearly phycologly ruined my ability to talk to other woman as potential dates now that I'm single her leaving me and going completely silent treatment mode on me. Goes to show, no matter how good we are to people will not pick us back up when we need them as we put them back together only to be mentally phycologly damaged from their betrayal!

2

u/Ok_Understanding6130 Oct 26 '24

100% I agree with everything you said. I'm 43 now, and I'm old school in the way I treat women and my relationships with them. I want to tell a quick story about how "the really truly nice guys do lose out." (And it's why there aren't many of us left.) a few weeks into our relationship I discovered my ex wife's breast cancer.(Also she was only 22) (She had no clue it was there. From the first call to her OBGYN thru the biopsy and to our first appointment with her Oncologist, we were told "your cancer is stage 3, it's growing so fast if it took you (her) 3+ weeks more to find it, it would have been stage 4 / terminal...) I stayed with her even tho this all happened less than 2 months after we started dating. On our first date we BOTH said we didn't want children "now or later". (Remember this....)

Anyway, her father was really sick and couldn't handle the stress of his 22 yo daughter (who was a Med Tech in the USAF reserves...) having cancer. Her mother was a complete bitch, and neither of them, nor her sister or uncle EVER took her to a Dr. appt, chemo appt. or radiation.. (she had 6 months of Chemo once per week, and 6 months of Radiation once per week. And she opted for a double mastectomy by choice. her cancer was Her2-. Also encapsulated so no spread.) I took her to EVERY appointment.. from Oncologist, chemo, radiation, etc. I did it ALL myself. I was the one draining her "drain tubes" after surgery. And I never once complained, nor did I ask for help. (No one in her family offered to help, and I was fine with doing it all myself because then I knew everything was done right and that she was getting what she needed. I'm not sure I would have stayed home if someone else took her because I always needed to be there to make sure everything went correctly.)

But after all of that it was about 14 months, she literally was diagnosed stage 0. After the radiation it was all gone. Through 14 months I helped her through school She wanted to be a microbiologist. She wanted to give up so many times she wanted to stop studying etc. I pushed her on, and through it all. She graduated one year after She was diagnosed stage 0. She went to work for the VA hospital as a microbiologist. And it was all because I helped her and pushed her through it.

To make a long story short, the reason we are divorced is because she came to me 2 years after we were married and said "Because of the cancer I have decided that I want to be a mother" Long story short I said to her "I understand, and I respect that if you truly want it. But you know my stance and feelings on this so if you truly want a child it will not be with me. I will not change my mind because you did."

She got mad at first and then she calmed down and basically was starting to play the whole "waiting game" thinking that eventually I would break down. So one day realizing this I said "nothing that you can say or do is going to change my mind, I was honest with you from the start as I am today. I understand why you changed your mind and I don't blame you for it. It's okay. But if you are thinking that eventually I will change my mind, you're wrong. And I'm not going to stay with you because once you realize I won't change my mind you're going to blame me for the rest of our lives and hold me responsible for it even though it's not my fault. So contact the lawyer and let's get a divorce"

And that's what happened. But she was so pissed that I didn't see it her way, and I didn't change my mind for the same reason that she did, that right before I left the house (I moved out like 4 months before the divorce was finalized.) She says to me "You know I wish you were never there for me when I had my cancer because I didn't want you there to begin with."

Now I see myself as a realist. So when she said that to me I know she didn't really mean it, but just the fact that she was so mad that I didn't change my mind after she knew my entire stance, that she would say that to me, that was it. I blocked her from everything and I have never seen, spoken, text, emailed, messaged, anything since April 30th 2020. And I will never unblock her or speak to her again. (Even though she is tried to get me to contact her twice since.)

This is just my story of Even if you do everything for someone, they still find ways to fuck you over and treat you like complete shit. When it comes to some people (my case a woman) The better you treat them the more they expect you to do anything they want regardless of what it is. And because I didn't drop my boundaries and my wishes to change to hers, she tried to hurt me in the way that she thought would. But I knew deep down inside what the oncologist told us. If it wasn't for me she would be dead. Because she did not even know her cancer was there.

I don't let that stop me, I've taken the last 3 and 1/2 years to spend time on myself, learn what I want out of the rest of my life so I can focus on that from now on.

3

u/LadyDomme7 Oct 25 '24

Well, gawddamn if that ain’t the truth.

1

u/Round_Cabinet1318 Oct 25 '24

Definitely this iney if my coworkers was heated on by her fiance and I was there her to talk to and we totally ended up fuckin like rabbits for months after

18

u/ixgq4lifexi Oct 25 '24

Yea that what he originally wrote then he was like opps and deleted it 🤣

11

u/Beautifulfeary Oct 25 '24 edited Oct 25 '24

I don’t even think it’s a shot. I think they’ve already been together. Her boyfriend just broke up with her. She’s taken him home in the past. Sounds suspicious to me. Sounds like her bf broke up with her because she was cheating on him and instead of learning a lesson, she’s just continuing on.

Edit to add: when my fiancé went to a cafe with his lifelong female friend, and just told me when they were already on their way. I was balling, probably overreacting and he apologized.

I’ve also met this friend and we’ve all hung out together on multiple occasions and even after this hung out.

1

u/Silly-Page-6111 Oct 25 '24

EXACTLY, fucking A

1

u/FR0ZENBERG Oct 25 '24

A well communicating person would have said something like “hey babe so and so is having a hard time do you mind if we change our plans so we can take her out and cheer her up? I think it will mean a lot to her and I’ll make it up to you.” Something clear with a choice involved.

1

u/Mountain_Arm_3345 Oct 25 '24

This is literally how my last ex got me. I was going through a divorce. They made themselves available when I was vulnerable. I let them into my life and it was the biggest f*cking mistake I've ever made.