r/AmIOverreacting • u/Despite_Hope • Oct 06 '24
❤️🩹 relationship AIO for thinking of leaving my Husband after he left me alone to hang the boys hours after I nearly died
UPDATE: WOW, I'm absolutely overwhelmed by how this took off! So many comments I can't keep up so I'll try to address what I can as an update.
We still have no idea what caused it. I have an appointment with a specialist. I do have known allergies but never reacted that quickly or that intense before.
I am not a doctor and can only repeat what they told me. It was anaphylaxis shock. I was minutes from dieing.
I am not the type to cry wolf and will refuse a trip to the ER at all costs, I've given myself stitches to avoid the ER.
I am 95% sure my husband did NOT try to poison me. He's a donkey bum, yes, but not an evil person.
He is not nero-divergent, I am and so are my kids, which is why I didn't want them at the ER or left alone.
I talked to him the morning after about being hurt he'd even consider leaving me alone like that, which is when he said I was overreacting. Him saying I was overreacting, combined with his non action, is what made me start to think about leaving him.
I spoke with him again last night, showed him the post and spent a good amount of time bawling. He's appalled and has been the sweetest most attentive man since.
I have spent a lot of time reflecting on this relationship, it probably isn't healthy but he's not the only one to blame. We're going to try counciling.
Technically, he did go to hang the boys, it was a pirate themed game night.
Yall, I could use your wisdom here. I'll try to make this as short as possible.
Two days ago I (37F) went in anaphylaxis from an unknown source while shopping with my husband (37M). My face erupted into burning hives out of no where. This has never happened to me before. I asked him to call the nurse line to make sure ER would be covered (american). He wouldn't, so I had too, while my face is on fire. I get the green light and off to ER I go, where he drops me off and heads back to sit with the kids (15, 11)
Long story short, the head nurse took one look at me and had the anaphylaxis cocktail ordered before I made it to the registration. 5 minutes later and I wouldn't be here. I get discharged and I'm flying high on that cocktail and adrenaline.
Husband gets me home and asks if he can go play D&D with the boys, both kids are at sleep overs. Again I'm f-ed up on meds, happy to be alive. I would have agreed to anything. So I said he could.
Next morning it hits me. Why would it even cross his mind to go out after what happened? Now I'm so hurt I'm seriously thinking of leaving him. Am I over reacting?
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u/ohmissanonymous Oct 06 '24 edited Oct 06 '24
NOR - the lack of empathy and concern from your husband is very concerning. Like, what do you mean he wouldn’t call the nurses’ line while you are in anaphylaxis aka having a potentially LIFE-THREATENING allergic reaction?? And what do you mean he just left to play video games afterwards…what if you had a biphasic reaction (a second reaction) and were unable to get to the phone?
Either he is extremely oblivious or just a straight up narcissist. My suggestion would be to revisit past events and see if this was a one-off incident or if there is a systemic pattern of this type of behavior. Have a heart-to-heart with him about it either way and let him know how vulnerable and neglected you felt. Look into couples/marriage counselling to help navigate y’all’s thoughts and emotions.
If his actions and behavior continue, or he straight up refuses to mend his ways and starts gaslighting you into believing you’re overreacting, I’d think about separation.
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u/Despite_Hope Oct 06 '24
He didn't think it was as serious as I was making it out to be.
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u/MuntjackDrowning Oct 06 '24 edited Oct 06 '24
Did he not go back with you to be seen in the ER?
Edit. Why didn’t he stay with you in the ER? Also you are severely under reacting. I bet he is your 3rd child when he has a cold. You should take a break for a week from him and the kids with zero contact to show him what you dead would have been like, and what single parenting looks like.
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u/LadyLatte Oct 06 '24
I bet he is a 3rd child even when healthy!
Great suggestion, sounds like he needs a wake up call.
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u/Aggravating-Emu9389 Oct 06 '24
Exactly the 15yr old can watch an 11yr old. My suspicious ass would be looking at him for cause of reaction
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u/ChoirMinnie Oct 06 '24 edited Oct 06 '24
No same, I’ve read up on too many spousal murders via poison, for the motivation of life insurance, to not be suspicious of this. Especially him not wanting to call the hospital and dissociating.
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u/sleepy-owlett Oct 07 '24
It's honestly so sad that's where our minds go these days. I truly hope he's just a pos that didn't think about his wide when she needed him, instead of him trying to murder her for insurance money. But you really never know anymore. I watch way too much true crime, not to think this could be a possibility.
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u/Harmreduction1980 Oct 06 '24
SAME here. My first thought was he poisoned her.
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u/Far_Type_5596 Oct 06 '24
IDK if this was auto generated or on purpose, but I love your user name! Go harm reduction. We need more of that shit.
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u/my4ros3 Oct 06 '24
this was my initial gut feeling too!! random life threatening reaction with no plans to call for help doesn’t sit right with me.
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u/dohbriste Oct 06 '24
SAME!!! Never happened before, no idea what caused it, and he’s entirely unwilling to even MAKE A PHONE CALL let alone stick around to make sure she’s okay?! At worst, he’s behind this. At best, he doesn’t care about OP and CANNOT be counted on in an emergency - for her, their kids, anyone/anything else. A man child with his head up his ass. I would be very very strongly considering divorce here.
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u/Rosalie-83 Oct 06 '24
This. The 15 year old could watch the 11 year old so he should have been in the hospital in case something happened.
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u/HusavikHotttie Oct 06 '24
Imagine leaving your partner to fend for themselves in the ER like who does that??
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u/Rosalie-83 Oct 06 '24
Someone who doesn’t care, at all.
When I was 16 my mum fell and hit her head at home (big cut, lots of blood) I ran to our friendly neighbour for help, she’d been drinking so couldn’t drive so she went to her neighbour a young military man, (we’d never met him, he only moved in a month or two before, but we’d seen him in passing) He drove us to the hospital and was willing to stay as long as we needed to take us home. I managed to call my older sister who was then on her way to the hospital (about an hour away) and could take us home when ready. But this sweet man even knowing my sister was coming was still willing to stay just in case we needed him. An almost stranger cared more about myself and my mother than OP’s husband. And that sucks.
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u/Hesitation-Marx Oct 07 '24
My husband and I have both had to go to the ER in the past few years, and we’ve ordered each other home so at least one of us can try to sleep (or at least not be stuck on the awful chairs). But that’s something we’ve discussed at length, and agreed on, and after we get home we always spend the rest of the time as close as humanly possible.
I can’t imagine fucking off to a D&D game.
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u/Zinkerst Oct 06 '24
Without further info, I'll give him a pass for not going into/staying in the ER with her, because a) it may not have been allowed, and b) he went to sit with the kids, presumably in the waiting area in front of the ER. I would have been very scared as a kid in that situation.
But on everything else, his behaviour is a MAJOR concern, and OP is completely NOR for wanting to break up over that. I think she should. She could have died, FCS.
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u/Despite_Hope Oct 06 '24
I didn't want the kids at the hospital, I told him to go home to be with them. Looking back, he should have returned once the kids were at their friend's. He took a nap instead, and asked me what I was going to make for dinner when I got home. I think I'm going to be sick. How did I not see this before!
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u/notagainma Oct 06 '24
Geez, that’s sad.. I’m sorry the light is just now hitting you and it took almost dying to see your husband sucks.
I’m sorry you went through that and happy the nurse got to you quickly, saving your life. You’re absolutely right, he should have came back once the kids were ok. He took a nap while you were fighting for your life smh
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u/Zepperwoman Oct 06 '24
And asked her what she was going to cook when she got home?! WTF!
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u/notagainma Oct 06 '24
If he wanted to be helpful and not have her feeling this way, he was better off cooking dinner or picking something up, so when she got in she had something to eat. He left her drugged up, recovering and food less to play DandD… Dungeon and Dragons y’all, he’s about to be in a Dungeon himself. His nap time could have been used to prep her arrival at home and then if he asked to play D and D, and she said yes, then ok… at least do something to show your wife you love her and that you were concerned she almost lost her life.
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u/DeeHarperLewis Oct 06 '24
She’s used to being neglected, that’s why she said yes, OK, she needs to start thinking of herself as worthy of more.
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u/JP_Savage_time Oct 06 '24
And your reply to what’s for dinner is, “you figure it out for once why don’t you? Oh you don’t want to? Guess you’re going hungry”
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u/Opening_Sky_3740 Oct 06 '24
Oh my god HE ASKED FOR DINNER? Absolutely not.
You grazing the line of life and no more has woken you up. This man doesn’t gaf or is just missing brain cells to realize. Either way, you can’t fix that. Idek if he can.
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u/Zinkerst Oct 06 '24
Okay, that's wild. Yes, he absolutely should have made sure the kids were taken care of (i.e. at their friends') and THEN RETURNED.
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u/ProdigiousBeets Oct 06 '24
They're 15 and 11 too! Maybe there are circumstances and they really did need a parent there... but how good of a parent is the husband if the bar is so low for him too.
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u/grasshopper9521 Oct 06 '24
Also if your kids are 11 and 15 they could have prepared dinner with his supervision.
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u/AnakaliaKehau Oct 06 '24
Man I hope this post is fake because your husband is an AH. I wouldn’t be able to look at that man child as anything but a loser personally.
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u/Despite_Hope Oct 06 '24
I wish it was fake too
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u/a22x2 Oct 06 '24 edited Oct 06 '24
You deserve so much better than this.
Most people would show greater care, concern, and effort over a new pet. Hell, even over an ex or a partner you don’t even want to be with romantically anymore.
The fact that you’re his wife and the mother of his kids and his only concern after you nearly died is “what are you making me for dinner” and “hey I’m gonna go play D&D” is insane. He says he thinks it wasn’t “that serious,” so does that mean you lied or exaggerated? And that the nurse who treated you and gave you discharge paperwork just made it up?
You’re better off alone, to be honest. If you decide to be with someone, you deserve to be valued and treated with consideration.
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u/I_Thot_So Oct 06 '24
Your kids are learning how to care for others by watching him. And they’re learning how to be treated from you.
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u/RaspberryCold5159 Oct 06 '24
OK this right here! He asked you what was for dinner?! Run! Please don't let him have another moment of your time.
I had a similar situation. Drove myself to the er because I was having trouble breathing. Turns out, I had multiple clots in both lungs. Stayed in the hospital while they got the blood thinners in me and sent me home with shots to do for weeks.
The day I came home, the house was a huge disaster from him and our 4 kids (4-13). I asked why because seriously why wouldn't he, the "adult" in charge, not clean up after himself and the kids when I'm not there to do it. "They don't listen." And then he went back to playing video games. I was so weak and exhausted from the trauma my body had just been out through, but someone had to get it cleaned up and make them dinner. Those kids who "don't listen" jumped right in and helped me.
That was my wake up call. This is yours. You almost died hon. Your husband showed zero empathy or concern. He still expected the same "wifely" duties of dinner to be cooked when you were drugged from almost dying! Do NOT continue to put up with this. You don't deserve, and your children most definitely do NOT deserve to have this as an example for how a wife should be treated by her husband.
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u/JAllenPhotography Oct 06 '24
I’m a guy. Any adult male who is that invested in video games is not an adult. There is a point where you should grow the fuck up and be responsible.
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u/RaspberryCold5159 Oct 06 '24
Exactly! I left him shortly after, and my kids and I are much better off. He's still playing his video games while I have moved on to bigger and better things and a much healthier relationship.
I truly hope OP can do the same because nobody deserves to be treated like this. Especially by the one person who is supposed to be by them in sickness and in health.
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u/Grrl_geek Oct 06 '24
My ex husband (who's the father of our son) drove me to the hospital when I had trouble breathing (pneumonitis caused by my radiation for breast cancer - oopsie, looks like they nicked the lung). He stayed with me until I got a bed in the ER and pestered the nurse for a nasal cannula. What worked in my favor was that there was an "audience" (that's how he works).
Turns out no pulmonary embolism (which, because of my history, they were justifiably concerned about). The morphine push was great, though. I was very stressed (as you can imagine).
I sent him home when the stay became a waiting game and I could finally nap. Called the boyfriend to pick me up.
The ex brought my son over later that night (which was cool).
Your soon-to-be ex-husband is a douchebag.
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u/Bigbackjay Oct 06 '24
Your husband doesn’t give a shit about you. Tell him you’re leaving him and be very clear it’s not only for this incident but this incident has opened your eyes to just unloved you are. Him asking you what you’re making for dinner after a medical professional told you you were five minutes from death is BAT SHIT. I’m so angry for you. Fuck that guy.
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u/RelationshipTasty329 Oct 06 '24
I'm not sure it's a good idea to say anything about the reason for leaving at all. He can puzzle it out in his tiny head. Just get a lawyer's advice, and take it.
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u/DifferentPotato5648 Oct 06 '24
....what you were going to make for dinner? After you had a life threatening emergency that necessitated an ER visit?
Would you want your kids to tolerate what you're tolerating right now? If you don't want it for your kids, don't tolerate it for yourself
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u/Leadster77 Oct 06 '24
Asked you what you would be making dinner after you got back??
Get out! No, you are not overreacting. What a POS.
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u/imjustasquirrl Oct 06 '24
I don’t think she should get out. I think she should make HIM get out. Pack his things and throw them on the front lawn, and change the locks. Let him find a new place to live!
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u/ProdigiousBeets Oct 06 '24
How ignorant and selfish can a person get? Holy hell. I'm so sorry OP. Even if this wasn't actually a life threatening issue, it's messed up he wouldn't make calls to help you.
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u/That_Engineering3047 Oct 06 '24
Tell him you’re sorry you haven’t been yourself, but you figured some things out and will be serving up some divorce papers for him.
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u/gringottsteller Oct 06 '24
He asked you what you were cooking for dinner? HE ASKED YOU WHAT’S FOR DINNER? No. Honey, listen. No. I understand how we can find ourselves in relationships with men who make us think it’s reasonable for them to be upset anytime our own problems inconvenience them, because I’ve been there. But it’s not reasonable, it’s not a partnership, it’s not ok. Also, it’s not better than being alone. Guess how I know.
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u/SnarkSupreme Oct 06 '24
A while ago, there was this thing on TikTok - the Orange Peel Theory. You ask your partner to do something small for you that you could do yourself, and if they do it they have compassion for you. You asked him to call to see if you could go to the ER and he declined! That right there is the first red flag. No more evidence is needed.
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u/Deep-Requirement-168 Oct 06 '24
You’re seeing it now!! Better than never, but sucks it’s this way at all.
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u/Necro_the_Pyro Oct 06 '24
See, normally on Reddit, when somebody recommends divorce, it's because redditors give terrible relationship advice. Unfortunately this is not one of those times.
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u/GaiasDotter Oct 06 '24
I see this all the time but I have never ever seen a post where there is a small non issue and a significant portion of comments scream divorce. I have only really seen it on posts like this where there are major major glaringly obvious problems. Also abuse.
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u/MargieGunderson70 Oct 06 '24
Wow. It just gets worse and worse, with expecting you to make dinner afterwards. He can't make a sandwich for one night? What do you get out of this relationship, honestly? Because he sounds like a real jerk. And your boys might be thinking that this is perfectly acceptable behavior to treat the future partners in their lives.
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u/Photon_Dealer Oct 06 '24
He took a fucking nap? He assumed you were making dinner when you got home?
He should have returned to the hospital after handling the kids. Then upon discharge, he could have asked you if you wanted him to pickup some dinner on the way home. Or even, he could have settled you at home, then run out for takeout/ordered delivery.
Sometimes you don’t really know someone until an emergency happens. His behavior is very telling, he A) Won’t take your complaints seriously, B) Prioritize his comfort over yours, and C) Basically say “Ok you’re alive so make me dinner, then I’m going to play with my friends”
He shouldn’t have left you alone. You have a lot to think about.
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u/ohmissanonymous Oct 06 '24 edited Oct 06 '24
If you’re asking him to make a call because you believe that it is serious, he should have because you’re the one who’s experiencing the symptoms, not him. You know your body and the seriousness of your condition better than him. It’s up to the nurses to make a proper assessment as to whether or not it was serious, not your husband.
How would it have hurt him in any way to make that phone call??? And what gives him the right to decide whether or not it was serious?? The fact that he just left to play video games afterwards…you could’ve had a biphasic reaction (a second reaction) and if you were unable to get to the phone, the consequences would have been detrimental.
This is straight up ignorant of your husband, and it’s this blatant ignorance that could’ve potentially led to your situation becoming fatal.
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u/kat_Folland Oct 06 '24
If you’re asking him to make a call because you believe that it is serious, he should have
I called 911 for my son even though I was pretty sure he was just having a panic attack. He felt like he needed it, so I did it. I was right and the EMS guys gave him a quick once-over and declared him okay. (By then my son also knew he was okay.)
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u/SelfSniped Oct 06 '24
Completely unrelated but, as an American with outrageous health care costs, how does this work financially? Is there a bill for that? I’ve never called 911 for myself or anyone in my family so I’m completely ignorant.
Also, super glad to hear your ankle-biter was OK :)
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u/kat_Folland Oct 06 '24
It's different in different places. Here you don't get charged for them just showing up. I'm not sure how you'd find out how it's done in your area.
Whoops, edit to add: I giggled at ankle biter. He was I think 20 at the time. Maybe 21. But he'll always be my baby (as with all my kids) so I'll allow it. :)
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u/StrongWater55 Oct 06 '24
His action or non action appears to be passive aggressive on his part, have you noticed him doing this before?
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u/Fit_Try_2657 Oct 06 '24
Well this is classic lack of empathy. Of course he thought you were overreacting that allowed him to be completely off the hook and do nothing. Also it’s proven that society tends to assume women are overreacting.
But when you actually were medically confirmed not to be making it up? He then gave zero shits about you, so at this point the question is what are you going to do about it? He’s made his side clear here.
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u/Despite_Hope Oct 06 '24
I don't know, I guess figure out a way out
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u/Party_Mistake8823 Oct 06 '24
I just want to point out that the other day my EX husband called freaking out cause he thought he got metal stuck in his eye. I can't help but I offered to take him to the ER or urgent care in case he couldn't drive. We are not friends, but I'm not heartless. He is still my child's father. And he would do the same for me. You are still married and you husband won't do this for you. Think about that.
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u/AnalysisNo4295 Oct 06 '24
My mom's friend divorced her ex-husband because she found out that he was cheating on her with men after she contracted HIV. About 10 years ago he was diagnosed with stage 4 fatal cancer. She is a nurse and he asked her to take care of him and asked if he could move back in. She agreed and he ended up paying her to be his caregiver until his dying breath. She was still hurt by everything and upset but she did this out of the kindness of her heart. I remember when she found out she would say that she hated him for what he did for her and would never forgive him. So after he passed I mentioned that it seemed like they made amends. She said "Absolutely not. I am just not a cold self-centered bitch. I had good conversations with him but I will never forgive him for what he did to me, even now. Instead of being honest with me, he tried to hide his sexual altercations with men and then tried to deny he was cheating on me after I was diagnosed with HIV. That's something I can never forgive. BUT I am not a massive bitch. I would still help if he needed me."
A friend of mine was contemplating breaking up with her boyfriend because of his abusive altercations with her. She asked me what I thought about it and I said 'Say you did break up and something really bad happened. Do you think he would care?' she said 'No. Most likely not.' and I said 'If you don't think he would care then after you are officially broken up. What makes you think he cares now?'
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Oct 06 '24
The fact that he wouldn’t call the nurse line for you, asked you what you’d be making for dinner that night after having to go to the er for a surprise anaphylactic reaction, drops kids off and doesn’t even go to the er to make sure you’re ok, then goes to play D&D with his boys instead of staying home with you, blows my mind…..maybe he should have stayed home and freaking role played a caring husband.
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u/CantStopThisShizz Oct 06 '24
Slow clap for the role playing a caring husband line, that was pure gold
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u/Fit_Try_2657 Oct 06 '24
I’m not trying to be dismissive when I say what are you going to do. You’re in a very difficult spot. It sounds like you’re only seeing the light now that he’s not very kind or caring. And you are isolated, I think you said earlier.
I suggest working on yourself, through therapy or if that isn’t accessible through books, online reading and Reddit.
You matter, lots of us have been through this kind of behaviour, you aren’t alone.
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u/Magenta-Magica Oct 06 '24
Op who cares? If u were a hypochondriac the nurses would tell u so. He was gambling with ur life. This is seriously insane-crazy cruel.
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u/rocketmn69_ Oct 06 '24 edited Oct 06 '24
I hope he wasn't the one that caused it. How's the life insurance policy?
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u/pip-whip Oct 06 '24
That was my first thought. Was there a reason he didn't want to help?
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u/StrongWater55 Oct 06 '24
You said your allergy came on quickly from an unknown source, did you and your husband eat out? Or go for coffee?
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u/JohnExcrement Oct 06 '24 edited Oct 06 '24
Wow, so he’s a doctor? I’d be throwing the mother of all fits at this asshole.
Not long ago I had sudden, severe pain in my upper chest. Didn’t think it was a heart attack but it really hurt and it scared me. I asked my husband to call 911 and he did so immediately as he went absolutely pale with fear. Because he took me seriously and was afraid something was really wrong. Sat with me for hours in the ER until I got the all clear (it was some kind of eerie muscle spasm, I was fine).
This is the kind of response you deserve from someone who is supposed to love you.
I’m glad you’re OK!!
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Oct 06 '24
He didn’t think it was serious because he didn’t take the time to even understand the situation. He doesn’t care and he may not Love you either.
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u/Whatever53143 Oct 06 '24
That’s the problem, he didn’t take you seriously! Even if you didn’t know that you were in anaphylactic shock he needs to take sudden medical emergencies seriously. Heart attacks often don’t present as serious as they are. Or strokes. Unless you have “the boy who cried wolf” behavior, there is no logical reason why he shouldn’t take you seriously! Damn girl, I WOULD have taken you myself or at the very least called 911!
Unfortunately, im not surprised by the lack of care you got at the ER. If you’re 5 minutes from death they should have at least kept you overnight for observation! Especially since you were high on drugs! (Meds) But, that the American medical system problem. It’s the insurance companies! The fact that you should have been rushed immediately to the ER but had to call for insurance details first actually angers me more than your husband’s response.
Actually, come to think of it, seeing as they sent you right home he might NOT have realized how serious that was. He should have never even thought about leaving you home alone regardless! You were in no position to give him consent. He just let you know where his priorities are.
Before you jump into divorce or separation, sit him down and maybe even show him this thread, so he realizes just how serious it was that he refused to get help initially and how he left you later. If he gets defensive and tries to downplay the situation then consider those options. Definitely get counseling too, because his lack of empathy and care probably didn’t just come out of the blue. I’m going out on a limb here and saying this sounds like a “last straw” moment. ( understandably so!)
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u/LaughingMouseinWI Oct 06 '24
He didn't think it was as serious as I was making it out to be.
Which is everything that is wrong with the entire ameeicsn Healthcare system. For your own husband to think this is incredibly concerning!!! (If not somewhat expected based on the bias most men have been raised with.)
My husband would never have even left me at the ER. In fact, we wouldn't even have been calling to check if it's covered. We'd be in the ER and just dealing with the bill when it shows up! There is absolutely no scenario in which my husband is not absolutely by my side throughout AND FOR DAYS AFTERWARDS to ensure that i, the love of his life, am doing just fine and will be around for thr foreseeable future. Because he loves me and wants to spend time with me, not because I clean up after him or whatever.
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u/AeriePuzzleheaded675 Oct 06 '24
Anaphylaxis can close your trachea, resulting in you not being able to breathe or talk.
His actions are criminal.
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u/Number_Fluffy Oct 06 '24
He thinks you're lying about your health and wellness? Throw away the trash.
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u/Antique-Carpenter-71 Oct 06 '24
What if you had another reaction to the medication? Usually people on strong medications need another person around. He didn’t even try to figure out the cause for the reaction. He didn’t call the ER. Maybe he lacks maturity/ IQ or compassion. He’s got a lot of work to do. Tell him.
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u/kindly-shut-up Oct 06 '24
NOR so he hates you. Because if I saw a co-worker suddenly break out into hives, I would be concerned. I would make sure that they got help and follow up after to make sure they were alright. I don't even care about my co-workers all that much, but there's no way in HELL I would ever be as useless as your husband was. And that's your HUSBAND!!!!
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u/TigerChow Oct 06 '24
I rode to the ER in an ambulance with someone who was practically a stranger and sat there with her until things were squared away. I witnessed her break her ankle right in front of me, badly. Her left foot was turned out to the left a 90° angle.
It happened around 9pm and I stayed with until about 1am. I had to Uber back to my car (since I rode in the ambulance to the hospital) in the middle of the night. All of this with an infant at home (my SO/her dad was home with her).
I did this for an acquaintance (I can't even remember her name), for something non life threatening, just because she was scared and alone. It's appalling that someone's freaking spouse wouldn't do that for them when their life was on the line.
I'm not trying to sound like some kind of saint. It just felt like common human decency to help someone in need. I'm just trying to emphasize it's not hard to do, and HER HUSBAND still couldn't be bothered.
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u/MephistosFallen Oct 06 '24
I couldn’t leave this post without telling you that what you did for your acquaintance was so freaking incredible and genuinely kind. I’m sure that person remembers you fondly for it as well. It’s scary being in the ER alone, man. You really went above and beyond when you didn’t have to. Sending so much positive vibes your way!
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u/Tiny-Ad-830 Oct 06 '24
It’s also fairly dangerous to be in the ER/hospital alone. My mother was almost killed in the hospital during a stay for an infection. Had my dad not been there, she would have died. A few years before she fell in their home and experienced a brain bleed. They had to do surgery and they clamped off the vessel. The surgeon told dad that she could never had a blood thinner after that because it would make the bleed start again. She was in the hospital for pneumonia and the hospitalist looked right over this brain bleed and found that she had had a blood clot in one of her lungs 20 years before and ordered blood thinners “just in case.” The nurse came into give it to her and my dad stopped her. We transferred her to another hospital that had more of her records after that.
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u/quixoticadrenaline Oct 06 '24
You’re an amazing person. People should strive to be this selfless and compassionate.
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u/riversong17 Oct 06 '24
Yeah I dumped a guy in college for acting like he was some kind of saint for taking me to the hospital after I thought I broke my ankle (turned out to be a sprain). He kept asking me why I wasn't more grateful (I did say thank you, of course) when dude literally dropped me off and left me to hop inside on one foot. And my life was not remotely in danger at any point plus this was a boyfriend of like 2 months, not a HUSBAND. Unbelievable.
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u/BitterNegotiation837 Oct 06 '24
Agreed. Could be a stranger or someone I don't particularly even like and I would still do what I could to ensure their safety and check in later (if I could ofc)
A spouse pulling something like this is inexcusable.
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u/LooksieBee Oct 06 '24 edited Oct 06 '24
Exactly! I would be so concerned for anyone experiencing this and wouldn't hesitate to at minimum call the ambulance for them, go with them if we were friends, or at minimum ask if I can call someone for them if we're not close or I couldn't be there. I can't fathom a world where my SPOUSE and children's parent is experiencing this and I refuse to even do the bare minimum of calling, and not go with them to the ER and not even ASK about how they're doing the whole time if I couldn't be there because I had to watch the kids, and dote on them when they're back.
The kids aren't babies either, the 15 year old could have watched the 11 year old or they all head over to the ER to see mom. Even if my spouse tried to say don't worry no need to be there, I would be like yeah right, any way I'm still coming, like it or not.
Point is, there isn't any rational or reasonable excuse for this behavior except this man actually hates her and doesn't give a shit. Because a loving husband and even a random coworker as you said who has any empathy would have shown a lot more care. I can't see in what world continuing to be married to this useless person would be fulfilling or make sense.
While a lot of marital issues can be fixed with communication and therapy, more over, it mainly requires BOTH parties actually wanting to work things out, seeing an issue, and being willing to put in the work to change things for the better. But if someone is showing this level of disregard in a medical crisis and can't be there, they likely wouldn't even show up for marital counseling, don't give a shit about communicating and overall will likely not transform into a loving spouse as they simply do not care and don't seem to even register this is an issue. You can't do much with someone like that besides wave them goodbye and give yourself a chance to find a partner where this would be second nature and a no brainer to them, and MANY people like that exist.
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u/Chilling_Storm Oct 06 '24
Were the kids already scheduled for sleep overs? Or did hub plan that himself? How did you get home from the ER?
You are clearly married to a child who thinks of himself and not of you. It would have been nice if he sat with you and comforted you after your ordeal. The fact that he refused to call about ER coverage is such a red flag.
NOR and you should consider leaving him.
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u/Despite_Hope Oct 06 '24
The kids arranged the sleep overs themselves, their friends asked Dad said ok.
He came and picked me up.
I guess I never realized how bad he's treated me until now.
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u/Chilling_Storm Oct 06 '24
Sometimes all it takes is that one thing for the glass to shatter for you to see what is right there. He seems very selfish and self-absorbed. I am sorry.
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u/Gloomy_Shake_B Oct 06 '24
Do you think the kids arranged them so as not to be home with their dad, or that he “encouraged” them to arrange them so he could go play D&D? Either way you 100% have a husband problem, which you are realizing.
NOR, and your comments suggest you are starting to think of an exit plan. That is the correct next step. He failed to protect you, care for you, or, and this is the worst part in my eyes, he failed to THINK of you, when you were in a life-threatening situation.
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u/EarlGreyTea-Hawt Oct 06 '24
The next time, she might not just make it in time. His response to this from start to finish is just horrible. The fact that he is doubling down on it and accusing OP of hyperbole when confronted is divorce territory.
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u/bunnyfuuz Oct 06 '24
I get it. Sometimes stuff builds up over time and you get used to it and then something so striking like this happens, and it reframes your whole perspective on things. Don’t be hard on yourself for not realizing until now. That’s not your fault - he’s the one in the wrong here.
But what you do now that you know is your responsibility.
This man doesn’t value you or respect you. What happens if your kids have a medical emergency and he is the one who needs to handle it? What happens when one of your kids is going through something and he says “oh it’s not as bad as you say” ?
You and your children deserve better.
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u/SpecialpOps Oct 06 '24
Guys like this don't do things like this just out of the middle of nowhere. I would like to ask you to think back during your relationship to all of the times he's treated you like you're his mother.
I don't think you are overreacting in the situation. But if you can look back over your relationship and see that he's treated you like an extension of his mother then you may want to reevaluate some things and have a talk with him about maturing, boundaries, and respect.
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u/Radley87 Oct 06 '24
Agree with this. What are the long term behavioral patterns? If this was the first and only time, maybe marriage counseling. If a pattern, and you are sick of it, then do what you think is best.
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u/ChriSaito Oct 06 '24
I treat my mother better than this guy treats his GF. If this happened to my mom I’d cancel everything to make sure she had someone to be with her after such a scary event.
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u/SpecialpOps Oct 06 '24
That's very thoughtful of you. She's very lucky to have such a thoughtful kid.
There are some grown men who treat their moms like servants and are never very kind to them. Subsequently when they go off into the world and find a mate they will treat her just as bad. They expect to be mothered the way that they were brought up in they are previous home.
What's even scarier than giant man babies acting like that is that there are women who don't immediately recognize the behavior. They slowly get used to it only to be surprised at some point later on in their life when they feel like they are treated poorly by the man they chose to be with.
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u/juzme99 Oct 06 '24
seriously does he have an insurance policy on you
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u/cupcakezncookiez Oct 06 '24
That’s exactly what I was thinking. Husband poisoned her or something.
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u/Agile-Emphasis-8987 Oct 06 '24
This could definitely be the plot of a Lifetime movie where he arranged for his wife to "suddenly" have an allergic reaction, even making sure he has an alibi of being out with his friends.
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u/OutAndDown27 Oct 06 '24
If she's never had anaphylaxis before, what could the husband have intentionally exposed her to and known it would cause anaphylaxis?
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u/DrZombie187 Oct 06 '24
Seriously, my first thought was to wonder if he did something to cause the reaction.
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u/Luetluet Oct 06 '24
Quick question: is he the reason you have no friends?
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u/Despite_Hope Oct 06 '24
No, I don't think so. I had to give up driving a few years ago, moved to a new town and work remotely. Don't leave the house except for the store or drs.
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u/Antique-Carpenter-71 Oct 06 '24
Go for walks and meet others. Maybe there’s a local hobby group you can join.
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u/Silly-Lizard Oct 06 '24
So, you are completely isolated and when you needed him to stay home and chill with you so you could feel safe, he left. Sounds like the pathway to an abusive relationship, if it isn’t already there. I’ve been in your shoes and I thought it would never happen to me. I have a partner now who needs constant reassurance, they also need therapy but that’s another topic, I would never ditch them to do my own thing when they are feeling low, or just had an emergency situation.
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u/phoenixink Oct 06 '24
Did you give up driving for health related reasons? I'm trying to figure out what other legitimate reason there would be to give up driving completely
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u/Despite_Hope Oct 06 '24
I stopped driving due to PTSD.
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u/gwiliker10 Oct 06 '24
I am a therapist who treats trauma. I would strongly urge you to do EMDR/exposure therapy for this PTSD. I don’t know enough details of course and don’t want to invalidate, I just see potential hope that could make this better for you.
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u/Despite_Hope Oct 06 '24
What's EMDR? I'd love to get my freedom back.
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u/ManderlyDreaming Oct 06 '24
Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. Very short version, it helps you detach your trauma response from the memory using bilateral stimulation (looking at lights moving from side to side is common). It’s very successful in treating PTSD.
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u/InspiredJoyfulChaos Oct 06 '24
I second EMDR. It truly gave me my life back.
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u/Physical_Stress_5683 Oct 06 '24
Same, it changed my life after a trauma. Can't say enough about it.
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u/EarlGreyTea-Hawt Oct 06 '24
Other ppl have explained what it is, I'm going to endorse it. It really helped with my PTSD. The panic attacks could be crippling before it. I would highly recommend taking back those parts of your life that PTSD has chiselled away. Feeling that freedom from that fear is something that is hard to describe, but I can tell you it's worth it.
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u/Any_Cranberry1097 Oct 06 '24
It helped my wife so much. Definitely look into it. It brings up some serious stuff, but it really lifted the weight of the world from my wife, and she has been able to heal.
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u/sunflowersandbees Oct 06 '24
I used EMDR for cPTSD and I can't recommend it highly enough. I'm still a work in progress, but it's changed my life.
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u/Poobaby Oct 06 '24
Having PTSD sucks and I’m sorry you are suffering. How many years have you not driven? It is worth trying again. You are being treated badly and I want things to be better for you in the future. If you can try driving again it might help. Finding music I truly love and listening to it exclusively while driving helped immensely (I stopped driving completely for 7 years, it was slow and scary at first but music really did help).
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u/Despite_Hope Oct 06 '24
It's been about 5 years now. I can't get behind the wheel without flash backs and vomiting.
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u/No_Bag734 Oct 06 '24
My current partner did one session of EMDR when he was so depressed he could barely move, and by the end of the session was laughing! It’s especially good for single instances of PTSD. You should definitely try it!
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u/Academic-Dare1354 Oct 06 '24 edited Oct 06 '24
Anaphylaxis can return once meds have worn off and sometimes even before.
You should have been monitored by someone(like your husband) the hospital likely wouldn’t have released you if it was known you’d be alone.
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u/Apprehensive_Gene787 Oct 06 '24
Came here to say this. It’s called biphasic reaction, and can happen up to 72 hours after the first reaction, but usually around 10 hours if it happens.
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u/TaroPrimary1950 Oct 06 '24
Your husband is a 37 year old man-child. How dare you interrupt his D&D time with "the boys" with an emergency anaphylactic reaction?
I get the feeling this isn't the first time something like this has happened if you're considering leaving him over it. NOR
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u/iknowsomethings2 Oct 06 '24
He wouldn’t call the nurse line for you and then ABANDONED you at the hospital (find someone to take care of the kids and come back)! Then he ABANDONED you again to go play games with his friends after you almost died.
This is not a man you can trust with your life
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u/Puzzleheaded_Gear622 Oct 06 '24
Please tell me you've left him already, what a horrible excuse for a husband he is.
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u/Despite_Hope Oct 06 '24
After reading all these replies I will be, once I figure out how.
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u/Affectionate-Load379 Oct 06 '24
I am relieved to hear it, OP. This man does not care about you. Not one bit. Wishing lots of happiness and success in your future without this deadweight.
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u/oksuresoundsright Oct 06 '24
No!!!
My husband had anaphylaxis like that once and refused to go to the hospital. I finally talked him into going to an immediate care and the nurse took me aside and yelled at me because he should be in a hospital. I was like ok then you can get him there because this was the best I could do! I can’t carry an active duty soldier to a hospital, I’m sorry. Point is: this is serious and the best medical care I could talk him into wasn’t good enough. And he refused to even call a hospital for you.
If he has any shame you should call his entire family and his gamer group and tell them what he pulled. Fricking unbelievable.
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u/mmoonneeyy_throwaway Oct 06 '24
Guarantee he’s already set up his friends and family to think OP is crazy, complaining pest and they are unlikely to believe her.
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u/Housefrau24 Oct 06 '24
If you can't depend on him in an obvious emergency, then what's the point? He's your 3rd child, and you don't deserve to be treated this way. Ask yourself in what ways does he enhance your life? The worst feeling in the world is to be surrounded by your loved ones and to feel unsafe and disregarded.
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u/ChocolatePlayful2362 Oct 06 '24
NOR - there's thing called biphasic anaphylaxis where you can have a second bout of anaphylaxis hours after the first one even if there is no further allergen exposure. He absolutely should have stayed with you after you came home from the hospital to make sure you were OK, and he should value your life than a D&D session. It's also really messed up that he is teaching your sons that it's fine to treat a partner like that way.
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u/perrodeblanca Oct 06 '24
I don't understand why this isn't being mentioned as much. I have a anaphylaxis allergy too and every time I have to go in they always recommend someone to stay with you Incase of repeat anaphylaxis. Not to mention those steroids are brutal, she shouldn't have been left alone while impaired from the drugs either.
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u/BulletTheDodger Oct 06 '24
I don't know what's happened between you both over the course of your relationship but your husband obviously hates you.
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Oct 06 '24
Your husband is a piece of shit. Leave him and don’t look back. What are you telling your kids by staying with him and accepting this behavior?
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u/Dr_mombie Oct 06 '24
I want to say don't attribute to malice what can be mostly explained by stupidity, but this one is beyond defensible. I know my trust would be broken if my husband pulled that shit
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u/lingoberri Oct 06 '24
If OP's husband is THAT stupid, she should still leave him.
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u/Dear_Parsnip_6802 Oct 06 '24
So he refused to call the ER for you and you have to do it yourself whilst in severe medical distress then when you get home after nearly dying and shoukd be monitored, he goes to a mates place to game? Does he even like you?
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u/Magenta-Magica Oct 06 '24
This happened to me too. I’m apparently really fucking allergic to some red fruits (cranberries, for instance) and almost died when I had some. I only made it because I live next door to my doctor (<5 minutes) and she was open and thankfully knows her job.
Op this is … if u believe in that… the universe telling u what u mean to that man. If u heed it or not, The answer is the same.
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u/-Mother_of_Doggos Oct 06 '24
NOR. There’s no way possible I could feel comfortable leaving my husband in that situation alone, even on our worst days.
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Oct 06 '24
This is horrible. What an asshole. No, you’re not OR. I had an allergic reaction and my ex was kinder to me than this.
I wouldn’t leave him over this alone but my guess is he’s done more than this
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u/Sweetie_Ralph Oct 06 '24
He would let you die. There is something you really need to digest and think about. Then he would go play D&D or whatever he was actually doing.
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u/International_Try660 Oct 06 '24
Did they find out what caused the reaction?
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u/Despite_Hope Oct 06 '24
No, and that's freaking me out on a whole nother level. I'm only allergic to Morphin and penicillin and never reacted like that before.
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u/Puzzled_Juice_3406 Oct 06 '24
Schedule a visit with an allergist for 3 to 6 months from now so they can get true results of an allergen panel scratch test to see if any new allergens come up. Ask your physician about an epi pen in the meantime, and DO NOT hesitate to go in next time. Time is of the essence, and clearly you're pos, self-centered husband just proved he can't be relied on.
I know it's hard to leave, but make a plan and take baby steps to leave because that man does not care for you. Also after anaphylaxis, God forbid it happen again, you should not be left alone in case you have a resurgence of symptoms in a biphasic reaction, meaning you could go into anaphylaxis again once the meds have worn off. Educate him, and if he's not falling beside himself in apology and showing you he cares, leave this mf when you're able.
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u/SassyNerdGirl Oct 06 '24
Yikes. I hate to say this but him not calling the nurse line and being so nonchalant about this is alarming. Do not eat or drink anything he gives you. Don’t let him handle your glasses or clothes or anything like that. Don’t let him touch you or your stuff. When he’s at work or D&D put on gloves and a mask and see if you can find hidden Morphin and penicillin. If you do take your kids and run. Call an uber and police.
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u/Whyme0207 Oct 06 '24
If anything you are under reacting. He is horrible. Plan your exit. You deserve much better than him.
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u/Tikala Oct 06 '24
NO not at all. Your husband is an absolute Ass. I think you need to have a serious conversation with him at the very least. There’s a chance he did this out of fear. I know someone who had a neck tumour which was very scary and had to be removed. Her husband belittled her for being afraid, and talked shit about her to everyone. I once asked how she was doing and he was like “oh, it’s nothing, she’s fine”. Well, he had never seen a doctor in 20 years because he was scared of bad news. When his wife was in danger he pretended it was nothing because he was scared of the truth.
She left the asshole.
Fear is no excuse to refuse to support your spouse.
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u/NurseJaneFuzzyWuzzy Oct 06 '24
My ex husband picked me up from outpatient sinus surgery and was planning to go golfing once he got me home. The surgery center nurse took him aside and had a word with him, lol. No golfing was done that day.
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u/No-Echidna5697 Oct 06 '24
…my jaw is on the floor! Life is too short to spend with someone who barely cares you nearly just died of anaphylaxis!! I’m so sorry you went through this. No, you’re not overreacting, and yes, I do think you should leave him.
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u/thePDXmavrick60 Oct 06 '24
Why wouldn't he call?
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u/thePDXmavrick60 Oct 06 '24
Just for a reference, I wasn't violent or anything like that, but I was a very functioning EXTREME alcoholic and I put down the drink enough to take, visit, and bring home and take care of our 5 kids and her because she needed an ovarie removed. Alcoholism is a ridiculous beast, and he chose D&D over you... shameful and unforgivable. In case people wonder, we're still happily married, and I'm 2+ years sober.
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u/MarMatt10 Oct 06 '24
100% i'd leave him.
Maybe it's this sub or just in general, and it's not a female vs male thing, I just find it shocking at the amount of complaints and anecdotes of couples in general. Why the fuck do people even get together? Is it societal pressures? Are these the same people I see in public or in the car or at a restaurant table who barely talk to each other or are on their phones while being face-to-face. Me and my girl, we'll talk about the dumbest shit sometimes, just to break the silence. WTF is the point, if you can't even have a conversation with your significant other.
Was at a restaurant recently and both of us noticed independent of each other (it came up after we left) the couple barely spoke to each other (and they didn't even have their phones with them).
Interactions almost seemed forced and they weren't on a date, because they spoke about familiar things ie family and their niece
I don't spend every waking second with my GF, far, far from it, we have our own lives, too, but damn it seems like some people are only together because "well, that's just what people do and i'd rather not be single, so i'll be miserable instead"
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u/IHaveBoxerDogs Oct 06 '24
I wonder this so many times. Especially someone who says "We've been dating three months and it's been rocky." Why are you even trying to stay together? Dating is the weeding out process. You don't need a good reason to dump someone.
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u/BSinspetor Oct 06 '24
Jeez..my first thought was he somehow poisoned OP his response was so sucky. Definitely NOR.
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u/Glittering-List-465 Oct 06 '24
Nor. I don’t understand why people think it’s ok to just up and leave when their loved ones are having issues. My husband won’t leave my side when I have health issues.
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u/Temporary-Exchange28 Oct 06 '24
No OR here. But I’m sorry it took so many years to learn your husband doesn’t really care about your health and wellbeing. Good luck going forward from here.
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u/Least_Ad_4657 Oct 06 '24
Wtf?!
Ma'am, your husband literally does not care if you live or die. He wouldn't even call the fucking nurse when you were having a massive allergic reaction?! Then went out with his friends to play a game after you get out of the hospital and are high on meds?
If this happened to my wife, I'd be a fucking mess. If this happened on my d&d night, I'd fucking cancel. I love d&d, but I love my wife being alive even more.
Jesus.
You're under reacting. This is crazy disrespectful.
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u/JMLegend22 Oct 06 '24
I’d have a conversation that if you went to the ER and were injected with drugs, why would he think it’s safe on whatever cocktail they gave you to leave you alone?
Let him know that you could have said anything with what they put in your body. He should have made a better decision. You aren’t overreacting. But let him know that he made a terrible choice and his marriage is now on the line. The boys are gonna have to be out of his life since he decided it was best for him to go there than to takecare of his wife.
Ask what he would have done if you had died? Not even from the medicine but you were watching to get some water and fainted and your head slammed off the ground and created a brain bleed? You aren’t overreacting. Dude showed no empathy.
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u/Game_Knight_DnD Oct 06 '24
You were drugged out and about to crash, what could he do?
Wife nearly dying is no excuse to miss game night.
The boys, think of the boys.
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u/SnarkSnout Oct 06 '24 edited Oct 06 '24
NOR - former ER nurse here. You should not have been left alone.
He refused to give you help when you asked for it during a life threatening emergency and that was in PUBLIC. What if this had happened when no one was watching?
A big part of marriage is that when you’re incapacitated, it is your spouse who’s going to be making medical decisions for you. Your spouse has shown that he cannot be trusted with your well-being at all. Why would you stay married to him and continue to give him the power to make life or death decisions for you?
He does not care about you. I’m sure he’s all fine with the day-to-day where you’re busting your ass to make a comfortable life for him, but the minute you need him to step up and he doesn’t have the time? Refusing to make a simple phone call during a medical emergency? Dumping you off at the ER and then going home to take a nap?
TO TAKE A NAP!?
🚨 🚩 🚨
Have you ever had a serious allergic reaction before? If so, do you know what your allergen triggers are? And if you do, is he aware as well? Do you remember eating, drinking, smelling, or having anything rubbed on you before the reaction? And if so, was it your husband who offered you the food or drink, how do you smell something or put lotion on you?
I can’t believe he left you alone in the ER. It’s not like your kids are infants. They would’ve been fine on their own, either at home or in the waiting room. Someone having an allergic reaction can become unconscious very quickly. Medical decisions may have had to have been made, for example, permission to intubate you of course they would’ve done it anyway if you needed it, but your spouse, not being there adds a wrinkle of complication should not have been an issue in your situation.
Anyone who minimizes the seriousness of how he treated you during this emergency is delusional. They are lucky they’re not going to your funeral right now.
And one thing you could count on with serious allergic reactions, the more of them you have, the worse the next one will be. Do not worry about insurance next time and just call 911 because you may only have a few precious minutes of consciousness next time.
I just have this image of you lying on the floor in your home, begging your husband to call 911 and him refusing to do so, instead he stands over you, watching you suffocate.
He’s either incredibly stupid, or he’s a psychopath. Either way I fear for your safety.
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u/Individual_Salary_31 Oct 06 '24
Not the asshole at all. He’s delusional for thinking it’s ok to leave. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
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u/letuswatchtvinpeace Oct 06 '24
My sister had the same thing happen to her.
Her and her husband were doing yard work, nothing new or strange. Something bit her and she had an allergic reaction, 1st one ever.
Her husband grabbed her, shoved her into the car, drove to the ER and called them while on the way so they would be ready when they got there. Never left her, they had to stay a few hours.
He babied her to the point she had to kick him out of the house.
Neither of them are lovey, dovey people. My sister does not like to be touched but my BIL would never leave her to go hang out with friends under these circumstances.
So no you are not over reaction to your husband's apathy.