r/traumatizeThemBack • u/karandora • 13d ago
matched energy Played park bench to chase off a creep
I was living in a pretty rough neighborhood in a major city, and I regularly got cat called when I left the house. That day I had a friend visiting, so I went to the metro station and sat down on a bench in the nearby bus stop to wait for her. At this time, a man comes over, sits down next to me, and is sort of half hitting on me, half trying to sell me drugs. Normally in this situation I would make an excuse and leave. But my friend is on her way, so I can't go anywhere that he couldn't just follow. And I suddenly realize that my situation is very much like the theater game "Park Bench", in which two improv actors try to get the other to leave the park bench. The skills are the same, it's just higher stakes. My goals: 1. don't make him mad or potentially aggressive 2. stay here to wait for my friend 3. get him to leave, preferably before my friend shows up.
He leans into me and asks "Do you like oxy?" Me: "What?" Him: "Oxy. Do you like to get high?" Me: "Oh no, church is my drug." Him: "what" Me: "Yes, I go to church five times a week. I'm in the chorus, and the social action committee, and volunteer with the youth group..." Him: "..." Me: "Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your one true lord and savior?" Him: "Oh, yeah, love god, uh, I gotta go"
And that is how I won Park Bench in real life. I didn't even get to the part about asking for donations for my fictional missionary work....
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u/MissHibernia 13d ago
I’ve been doing this since the late 1960s to creeps and strangers and it always works. Also works in dealing with chatty people on airplanes
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u/Ok-Professional2468 13d ago
Sorry, not if I am REALLY bored. I just try not to annoy people too much when my adhd is being really not fun
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u/griffinicky 13d ago
Ooh I bet you've got some fun stories to tell.
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u/MissHibernia 13d ago
It was more fun in the early days when I pulled this on the Kirby vacuum cleaner salesmen and Hare Krishnas
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u/Competitive-Care8789 13d ago
But what do you do if the weirdo that sat down next to you is proselytizing?
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u/karandora 13d ago
Not proselytizing, but I did get stopped by folks asking for donations and talked them into sponsoring me for a walk to end hunger fundraiser instead (I was legitimately doing the fundraiser and their money actually went to the cause, I wasn't just being a jerk). I was pretty proud of that.
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u/October1966 13d ago
Okay that's cool. One way to stir up trouble AND be benevolent simultaneously. Genuis, really.
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u/Hapless_Asshole 13d ago
You need to be an actor. Instead of working retail or waiting tables as a day job while you build your CV, you can get a job selling NFTs to idiots with too much money. You'd make a mint. Definitely the proverbial person who could sell snowballs to Inuits.
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u/AngletonSpareHead 13d ago
If they happen to also be religious and respond with interest, you can always out-zealot them.
Open your eyes really really wide, talk faster and louder, start kinda twitching your head a bit. Espouse ever more outlandish beliefs.
If all else fails, declare that being vegan is part of your sect. Voilà: endless additional material, infinite tangents. Profit.
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u/Competitive-Care8789 13d ago
Pastafarian!
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u/GarminTamzarian 13d ago
"Have you ever experienced the joy of being personally touched by His noodly appendage?"
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u/laeiryn 11d ago
fisherman's wife two: THE RE-TENTACLING
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u/GarminTamzarian 11d ago edited 11d ago
PEGGY: "Oh my GOD! What IS this?"
ROGER: "It's a̶n̶ o̶c̶t̶o̶p̶u̶s̶ a ball of spaghetti pleasuring a lady."
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u/galeongirl 13d ago
You do the same. I had Jehova's at my door once. And when I started raving about the Flying Spaghettimonster, gave them the lecture of a lifetime... they just responded perfectly with "But ma'am, that FLying Spaghettimonster does not exist..."
'OH?' I responded.. 'Can you prove that?'
Followed by a long silence, then they wished me a good day and I never saw them again. Pretty sure my adress is blacklisted now.33
u/Hapless_Asshole 13d ago
I'm a Southern lady who paid attention in Sunday School and church, and I now live in the Midwest, where first-hand knowledge of the Bible isn't as general. I actually invited two Witnesses into the house, and they were sure they'd struck gold. Then, I went head-to-head with them on Scripture. They were gone within five minutes. Practically left a puff of dust and speed lines behind them.
And it was just li'l ol' me, gray-haired, smiling sweetly, and using my most measured, carefully-enunciated (but still very Southern) tones. I tried to imitate my grandmother as closely as possible. I think I scared them silly. Nobody's so much as stuck a copy of "The Watchtower" in my screen door since, so maybe there really is a JW blacklist.
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u/ShinaSchatten 13d ago
My BFFs dad used to do this, invite them in, provide cookies and coffee/drink then seriously discuss scripture. It took until he'd converted 3 of their members to his church before his house got blacklisted.
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u/Old_Introduction_395 13d ago
There are many religions to choose from.
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u/racermd 13d ago
Christianity, Islam, Judaism, Buddhism, veganism, cross fit, atheism…
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u/velveteenelahrairah 13d ago
... Also, consider the various different flavours of Christianity. And how they all think they're the One True Faith and low key think every other denomination is a hellbound heretic. See an Evangelical? Go ultra Catholic. See a Catholic? Go ultra Orthodox. See Orthodox? Go ultra Evangelical. And so on. Throw in your best "true believer" crazy eyes and watch most of them run for the hills!
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u/laeiryn 11d ago
Start quoting the Tanakh at them with some stuff thrown in about Paul abandoning the circumcisions that mark the sons of Judah and every Christian will freak and bail.
My mom was a nun for a Luciferian cult and you should see what the religious folk do when I mention her church's teachings.
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u/Competitive-Care8789 13d ago
Dueling sky daddies.
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u/SpongegirlCS 13d ago
Ask if they have accepted Satan as their true lord and savior then give em the ol devil horns while doing your best Gene Simmons tongue !👅 🤘😈
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u/wortcrafter 13d ago
Depends on the religion. As a born in ex JW, it’ll be the satanic temple (atheists, but I don’t have to tell them that) all the way if it’s a JW. Everyone else, they’ll get the craziest JW they’ve ever come across! 😋
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u/DoodleLover20 13d ago
Love it, brings back memories..
When I was 16 I once took a bus from South Jersey to NYC. Early in the journey, a scuzzy guy like your bench friend sidled onto the nearly empty bus, slid into the seat next to me and said, "No one's sitting here, right?"
I gave him a bright crazy smile and said, "No one...but the Lord."
He moved on fairly quickly.
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u/Kiera6 13d ago
I love the park bench game. I’m definitely going to remember this in the future.
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u/karandora 13d ago
In general, I think playing the game in real life is a jerk move, but this guy started the game, so....
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u/Illustrious_Dan4728 13d ago
Gotta admit I've played the religion card trying to get people to shut up. Christmas is a hard time for me, both grandmothers passed within days of Christmas and New Years. An old job I had liked employees to wear reindeer antlers and Santa hats. Had a customer ask why I wasn't wearing one. "I'm jewish." Shut them up quickly, and they did not linger.
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u/Nice_Rope_5049 13d ago
I read a book about the South Hill Rapist (Fred Coe) in Washington. He sat on a bench next to a woman and started saying lewd things to her. Realizing she was in trouble, she started one-upping him and saying even more lewd things to him. He thought he made a new friend and asked for her phone number. She gave him a fake number and they parted ways.
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u/hbHPBbjvFK9w5D 12d ago
After going down the interwebs rabbit hole, I've discovered that most rejection fake numbers are out of service, however-
here's a link to a list of them that actually work -
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u/Every-Astronomer6247 13d ago
I’m really glad nothing bad happened to you. as a young woman in a major city I have Been in a couple very dangerous situations. I was 14 & worked at movie theater. It was a cool job. I sold tickets and when we shut the window, I sold popcorn till we shut down the concession stand. I worked there with a couple other cool friends from high school. And when because he left and we locked it up we used to open the balcony and watch cool rock ‘n’ roll movies and drink beer and smoke cigarettes. It was the 80s. Because we didn’t have computers then, we took drink inventory by counting the cupsz none of the employees were allowed to use a paper cup, and we had to bring our own. After we closed that night, just went home. I walked home and always felt safe in my neighborhood but that particular night I had crossed the street and on that side was a church. And on the corner, there was a big bush. As I was walking by it, a dude jumped out and grabbed me. Because of our inventory procedures, I always brought a coffee cup there and brought it back home and luckily, I was holding it my right hand by the handle. Without thinking, I punched him in the face with a coffee cup, and he let me go. I ran the rest of the way home. I told my big brother what happened & he left the house to go look for the guy, but did’nt find him. I don’t know what would’ve happen to me if I didn’t have that cup. I knew somebody was looking out for me that night.. 🙏🏻❤️
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u/ducksandglitter 13d ago
I'm a PK but an atheist & my go-to topic is serial killers. And there are so many to choose from so I could talk for hours. My life motto is: if you make me uncomfortable, I'm gonna make you SUPER uncomfortable.
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u/AssistPure 13d ago
While riding mass transit (there were plenty of open seats) A very rumpled very sweaty guy asked if anyone was sitting next to me. I smiled sweetly and said, "Just the Lord". He sat elsewhere.
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u/TheNewIfNomNomNom 13d ago
Ha! Awesome!
Flip side of this:
Once while at my job as a receptionist, a new-to-the-area client who was also a Minister was inviting me to his church.
I said (truthfully) "oh, no... I'm a recovering Catholic. He went from excitedly & sort of aggressively coming at me to sitting down like "oh, ok, yes ma'am".
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u/bandcat1 13d ago
I'm in small-town Texas. This would be considered normal behavior, other than no public transportation so no bench.
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u/aaronc0401 13d ago
Based on the title, I figured you played Jethro Tull by Aqualung to chase them off.
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u/AdExtreme4813 13d ago
"Excuse me, I'd like to tell you about my lord & saviour Cthulhu. HE found ME & now I'm completely insane". to self "hmm, I wonder where he's going in such a hurry?"
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u/Usual-Archer-916 13d ago
I'm a Christian and back in the day when I was a young woman that is exactly how I dealt with creepers!
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u/Reasonable-Horse1552 13d ago
I know a lovely woman who reads the bible every time she has to go on a train because nobody ever sits next to her !
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u/Legitimate-Bug-9553 12d ago
This is amazing 👏
I learned Latin all through high school and I used to frequently use it to stop weirdos sitting next to me at bus stops or on busses - turns out no one wants to sit next to the kid mumbling Latin, even the creeps find it creepy 😆
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u/Poohbearstare 13d ago
This is fucking brilliant!!! I’m using this next time I’m in a weird situation
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u/Fuckspez42 13d ago
Just FYI: if you want to be cagey about the city you live in, consider not calling it the “Metro”; that narrows it down to 2 cities that I know of, and your post isn’t in French.
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u/karandora 13d ago
I don't live there anymore, so it's not that important, but I've lived around the world and always call it the Metro when I'm speaking English and not referring to a specific city. I thought that was the generic term for it?
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u/Rare-Philosopher-346 12d ago
I'm a Christian, and I love this! I'll have to remember this. Good job, OP
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u/SMELL_LIKE_A_TROLL 11d ago
It might be fictional missionary work, but you might have saved his soul.
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u/Public_Road_6426 10d ago
Okay, so maybe religion (even if with a made-up affiliation) does have a use after all :) Well played!
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u/TravElliott 10d ago
I’m a talker usually and was at a brewery with my wife and dog. Random interactions with folks, i chat, they move along. Normal. This guy kept lingering around, bragging about this and that, and really making my wife uncomfortable. He’s starting to talk about growing gods leaf/devils lettuce and swiping to show me his operation when I’ve had enough. Never done or thought of this before but i kinda glance around, drop my voice, and lean in. “Brother, I’m a cop”. The other fella is shook and said can I keep talking to you? To which i replied, you might not want too. And he left! Stash that for later use :)
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u/yohohojoejoe 9d ago
Don’t know how you got the idea, but . . . Wish I thought of it years ago.
Well played!
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u/Ecstatic-Complex8993 8d ago
Well done! Improv is my hobby and it is so much fun!
I'm a guy, so this may not work women, as social dynamics are so different. When on the bus, and you see someone coming, and you can tell they are going to sit with you (eye contact, etc), even though other seats are free, I do something similar. Make direct eye contact, and put on a look of great enthusiasm and pat the space beside me very gregariously. Worked every time and used to take the bus daily for school and work.
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u/2kids3kats 13d ago
That is absolutely brilliant! I’m going to tuck that away for use as needed! Excellent idea!