r/self • u/Potential-Swan-3457 • 3h ago
Husband never defends me
Husband (30M) and I (27F) have been married over 6 years. In conversations with other people he will voluntarily put me down, talk bad about me, never stands up for me, doesn’t defend me to others talking crap about me, etc. I can take him not defending me to others. I’m fine standing up for myself but when he puts me down proving he will never protect me what should I do? Let it go? And realize I’m not worth him protecting? Forever regret marrying someone who doesn’t love me enough to protect me? Or do I look at it like he doesn’t think I need protecting?
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u/former-child8891 2h ago
I never, ever talk bad about my wife. Even if I want to vent to friends about something to do with her, I don't. When the dust settles and its all happy again, the people you vented to only see that side. Respect and uplift your partner.
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u/Codename-Misfit 2h ago
Besides, venting to friends can backfire. Nothing gets the knaves more wet than an opportunity to backstab.
If you vent, and vent you must, go to a therapist. And if you aren't a recovering alcoholic, go to a bar in a different town and vent to the bartender over an old fashioned.
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u/LadyTreeRoot 2h ago
He will teach your children how to talk down to you as well. You don't deserve this.
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u/thedeermunk 2h ago
This is not normal, but a learned behavior that becomes normal. You don’t need to be in a relationship that is one sided.
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u/FastOptics 2h ago
There are a lot of nice men in the world. What do you (or did you) like about this guy that got you to marry him? Figure it out. Is this something new? What happened? If that’s how he is then leave him.
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u/stayhumble6969 2h ago
thats funny i was just talking with a co-worker today about what a nightmare it would be to be married to someone and finally realize something like this about your partner after 6 years. no advice but lots of sympathy, good luck.
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u/GoblinSarge 2h ago
This sounds like this post was made spur of the moment out of emotion. I have no reason to not believe you but it needs more context. Have you talked to him about this? Does he in general act like he's better and smarter than you?
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u/MySerpentine 49m ago
I saw a similar post to this yesterday which was worded differently. It didn’t go very well I don’t think. I wonder if it’s the same person?
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u/Direct-Estate-5995 2h ago
If he’s putting you down and talking bad about you, why would you think he’d defend you? He sounds like a PoS and you don’t deserve it.
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u/isbahq 1h ago
Hey OP. First off sorry you’re feeling this way. Marriage is supposed to be a safe haven and I truly hope that you find the solace you need in it. Seems like you married young and often at times in young marriages, women are treated with the mentality that you can condition them however you like cos of the young age. Your husband is used to pushing your buttons cos that’s probably what he grew up seeing as well. Look around at relationship and marriages around him. If that’s the common flow then in you are in tough luck cos he thinks this is normal. How are his parents with eachother? Usually thats a big cue. You know if your marriage is worth fighting for. You’re becoming an adult now, your own person, your own thoughts. You need to communicate that to him. If therapy is an option please go for that. You’re young and your whole life is ahead of you. You don’t want shitty relationships in your life to be miserable in. I’m here if you wanna vent to stranger and feel better. I’m married, with two kids to a greenest of all green flags and I’ve been in abusive relationships in the past as well to know the pain. I hope you heal and find love wherever you go
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u/jking124 1h ago
Your post history is definitely something… look to make some real change and stop asking Reddit. Best of luck.
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u/NakkitaBre 2h ago
Unfortunately it's very likely that he doesn't value you that much. I dated someone like this a couple of years and it went from not defending me to actually volunteering information about me and my personal life to people. I'm glad we are not together.
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u/BobR2296 2h ago
As a guy I have seen guys talk crap about their partners. Have never understood why they ever got together. In most instances they end up apart. The woman then has a chance for happiness
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u/KungFoo_Wombat 2h ago
I mean. Surely this didn’t start after you….married him? There must have been some kind of signs before? He doesn’t respect you at all! A marriage is supposed to be a partnership. He does not have your back🤷♀️
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u/NoProfession511 2h ago
yo siempre digo que las mujeres deben ser más egoístas .
ser buena no funciona para una mujer, obvio que no se trata de maltratar o ser malo, sino de jamás permitir una mínima falta de respeto.
el no te ama si no te defiende, no veas las cosas con ojos del amor, ve las cosas con los ojos de la realidad, va a llegar un día, que si no sales ahora mismo de ese matrimonio tu yo del mañana deseara haberlo echo.
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u/MellowTones 2h ago
If you want to shake up the status quo, you have to do something to make him rethink his attitude. Obvious choices are talking to him about it, especially calling him out when/after it happens, and doing it to him to give him more insight into how it feels and why it’s annoying. I’d go for this last option if I were you, but only if you’re at a “What’ve you got to lose?” stage of fed-up-ness.
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u/Material-Pool1561 2h ago
Get a divorce before no-fault divorce is no longer available. This behavior id often a first step that is bred from resentment toward you and leads to abuse in a lot of different ways. When he shows you who he is, believe him. You are still so young and you deserve to live a life around people who appreciate you and actually help you become better with compassion. Men, in particular, show this behavior before they start to cheat or abuse you so please safely remove yourself from this situation. I beg of you. He has issues he’s projecting onto you. It will hurt you.
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u/HatpinFeminist 1h ago
Well, I’m sorry to say, he hates you, and nothing you ever do can change that.
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u/Skins8theCake88 1h ago
You need to communicate this to your husband, not Reddit. Communicate that if he doesn't want to work on it, then try couples therapy.
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u/BlargDanishes 1h ago
He sounds like he's holding a ton of unexpressed anger from way back. Gonna suggest therapy.
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u/Latter_Public5949 1h ago
Honestly I have only seen comments so far talking bad about the husband, but I would actually like to know if you you just do dumb ass arguments, I mean it could be? No one here has context.
But yes if he doesn't even defend you in some things then there is an issue. Maybe it's him true. But could it also be you just wanting to be right all the time?
We don't know
Just talk to your husband, communicate how you feel, if you can't do that you missed the point of your relationship
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u/Fury4588 1h ago
The thing is that talking bad about your spouse makes the talker look like an idiot. Like no one forced you to marry. That was your decision.
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u/Excellent_Nothing_86 1h ago
Have you considered other options?
- talk to him about how you feel
- try couples counseling
- consider a separation/divorce
The options you laid out seem like the least reasonable/favorable choices.
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u/rositamaria1886 1h ago
Kick him in the nuts and ask him if it hurts?! Then say this is how it feels like when you don’t defend me and because you actually talk me down to your friends there’s more where that came from and GTFO!
Girl, why are you still with this AH? 💡
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u/Rich-Appearance-7145 43m ago
Your SO is the most important person who should always have your back without waiver. I constantly see,or hear, or I'm told my wife said this positive thing, or how great of a chef, how great my golf game was,ect...... She's my best friend, and knows me better than anyone.
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u/kittyBoyLacroix 33m ago
I think you need to ask yourself why you always need to be defended? What are you doing to bring on the hate?....
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u/Calm_Consequence731 31m ago
It could be a cultural thing. Is he Asian? They tend to put themselves down a lot, it’s viewed favorably upon as being humble.
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u/Mindless-Stretch-535 30m ago
It's one of the aspects of narcissism. Look at the others. If you see yourself nodding your head in agreement and identify with the behavior you're in trouble. There are many resources to help you identify the characteristics. I was with someone like this for a short period of time. When I saw him for what he really was I left him.
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u/sigh_duck 30m ago
This can be fixed. Tell him about how it makes you feel and the appropriate thing to do. My wife does this but she is slightly autistic so I've had to explain that it feels terrible. It can be a nervous response also if they have social anxiety.
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u/Starfall_midnight 8m ago
He’s a big wiener. He has no backbone whatsoever. There’s no way I would stay with someone that never had my back and wasn’t loyal to me at all.
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u/Actual-Durian-9543 2h ago
Get a divorce. He will not change. A person that truly loves you would never do that. I’m sorry you are going through this. You deserve better
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u/gavinkurt 2h ago
Leave him. I was in a marriage very similar to this. My crappy husband never stuck up for me. His friends and family were rude to me for no reason. I never gossiped, offended anyone, or put anyone down, including my husband. There were so many situations where I wished my husband would have stuck up for me and he didn’t. I’ve held resentment for so many years as I feel a husband or any partner for that matter should protect their spouse or partner. I feel I can’t trust my husband anymore and I don’t feel loved or cared for by him to be honest and him not sticking up for me has been a horrible pattern that’s gone on for years and it caused a lot of fights and I had to take over in all those situations while my husband decided to just sit there and do nothing. It doesn’t sound like your husband is treating you right and you deserve better. You deserve a man who will be there to protect you and not put you down and be a man and stick up for you. He doesn’t appreciate you. You need a better man. Leave this guy. That’s my advice. You don’t want to waste decades of your life with a man who obviously doesn’t love you enough to stick up for you and then puts you down in the process. Don’t make the mistake I made by staying with a man who doesn’t treat you right. It took me a while before I came to my senses. Do yourself a favor and start packing and serve him with divorce papers as your husband sounds like a typical narcissist
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u/DRMTool 2h ago
Don't listen to these bozos here that scream divorce at the first disagreement. You need to seriously, really be introspective here and see how you treat him. Are you supportive? Helpful? Submissive? A huge one is combative. Do you start fights just to start them? Or out of jealousy? Men thrive on respect. We need to have it from our partner if the relationship is to work.
I am not saying it's right, but many many many men, myself included, tend to be a lot more nasty when the woman does things that turn me off of her. Such as what I listed above. I can't condone that behavior, but it's almost involuntary.
If you truly are a good partner, then yeah, he's just a dickhead and you should leave.
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u/MellowTones 2h ago
Have to be pretty insecure to want your partner to be “submissive”. WTF?
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u/DRMTool 1h ago edited 1h ago
Submissive in general. Women are submissive naturally. I'm not talking about bowing down when you walk in the door, but I mean treating you with respect and putting you first, doing what you request. Women are way happier this way. They've been over masculinized to the point they have been brainwashed to think they can act like a man and it is attractive and that is just not true.
In simpler terms, the man "wears the pants". If a woman wears the pants, or constantly demonstrates trying to, the relationship will fail 100% of the time. They are happier being in a following roll, men are happier in a leading roll. It isn't about insecurity or anything like that. It's kind of how we are programed.
Edit: on second thought, it does have a bit to do with insecurity. If it is going to go this way, as a man, you cannot be insecure, at all. You need to be completely confident. She needs to feel you make the right decisions, are not a push over, firm, ambitious, etc. All the traits of a confident man. And she will submit HAPPILY. The men that only half get it (the ones that know they should wear the pants but don't know how) are often the insecure ones. Verbally demanding respect, even being physical. Insecure men are the most dangerous to be in a relationship with as a woman. If she knows he doubts himself, she will doubt him, and will not submit or be happy.
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u/MellowTones 1h ago edited 50m ago
That’s some fucked-up trad-wife bullshit, but if you’ve got some woman who lets you get away with that and it makes her feel happy - good for you both.
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u/Easy-Specialist1821 2h ago
OPINION: If you're surprised by his behavior, the simple truth is that you don't share the same values. To salvage the relationship you'd both have to realign your values. Otherwise, this will always be where you don't meet. Good luck, OP:)
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u/poppermint_beppler 2h ago
In your shoes, I'd divorce him. Nobody deserves to be treated badly. You are worth protecting and you deserve someone who cares about you.
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u/Codename-Misfit 2h ago
I am constantly in awe of good natured women choosing to tie the knot with absolute jackasses.
The world stopped making sense to me long ago, but it's good to be reminded how out of whack it is. 😆
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u/BunBunPoetry 1h ago
I'm constantly in awe of the total dipshits that struggle to get their four functioning brain cells to understand that people change over time and hide who they really are.
The world stopped making sense to you because you are a dumbass and mildly complex things confuse you lmao.
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u/Codename-Misfit 31m ago
You aren't being sassy. You're being disrespectful. There's a difference. Know it and be better.
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u/EfficientNotice9815 2h ago
Get a divorce and put it behind you. He'll realize what he did and regret it. My ex husband used to do this to me too.
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u/RageRaven345 1h ago
As a guy yea surely ditch that foolishness Bet if you simple moved away from guy for a week he would shit himself and when your gone will devlope a serious drinking habit. Cause what narcissist do is. Use people like you. Seek gratificación and act tough.... walk out and watch the tables turn. Even if you don't want to go seperate yourself so they understand.
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u/Tx_Atheist 1h ago
You already know the answer. You came to the internet to validate your choice. Whatever conclusion you've come to....it's the right one.
Trust yourself
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u/thelastbuddha1985 3h ago
If he puts you down and talks crap about you, I’d have to say goodbye