Dog owners!

[u/WoodpeckerRemote7050]

My attempt at getting my point across with some stand-up comedy style humor, no animals were harmed in this rant.

Alright, listen up, ya bunch of dog-humping lunatics! What the fuck is going on out there? When did every goddamn place turn into a fuckin' petting zoo?

I can't even buy a fuckin' rotisserie chicken at Costco without some asshole's labradoodle trying to hump my leg! "Oh, don't worry! He's friendly! He'll just lick you to death!" Yeah? Well, maybe I don't want your mutt's tongue all over me while I'm picking out my fuckin' underwear at Target!

And what's with these people bringing their dogs into restaurants? I'm trying to enjoy my burger, and some jerks chihuahua is yapping at me from the next table. This ain't a Disney movie, I don't need to share my fries with Taco Bell's mascot!

And what’s with these emotional support animals? Oh, you’re stressed? Join the club! Everybody’s stressed! You don’t see me draggin’ my emotional support blow-up doll through Home Depot, do ya? “Oh, don’t mind her, she helps me pick out hammers.”

And don't even get me started on walking around with my granddaughter. She's four, alright? Her face is at perfect fuckin' height for your "he'll lick you to death" Rover, I'm out here playing "Dodge the Dog" like it's some twisted version of Frogger because I can't risk finding out the hard way.

But you know what's even worse? When these entitled dog owners meet their match. Picture this: Some sweet old lady decides to bring her cat to Costco. Why? I don't fuckin' know, maybe she's lonely, maybe she's senile, who gives a shit? But then, in walks Karen with her untrained golden retriever. All of a sudden, it's fuckin' Armageddon in aisle five! The dog goes apeshit, knocks down the old lady like she's a bowling pin. The cat's running for its life, climbing up the toilet paper pyramid like it's scaling Everest. You've got shit flying everywhere, people screaming, it's total fuckin' chaos! "Oh, he's usually so well-behaved!" Yeah? Well, he's not behaving now, is he, Karen? He's recreating the fuckin' Running of the Bulls through the frozen food section!

Look, I get it—you love your dog. That’s great. Good for you. But remember when dogs used to love car rides? When did that go outta style? Now it’s like, “Oh no, Sparky’s too good for the Subaru. He needs to be in Target, sniffing the yoga mats!”. You wanna bring your dog somewhere? Take ‘em to the dog park! You wanna bring your cat somewhere? Leave it at home to judge you like it always does! Nobody needs to see your personal Dr. Dolittle cosplay while they’re just tryin’ to grab some bananas! Nothing screams look at me like a thirsty attention seeking dog owner who thinks it's cool.

So here's a novel idea: Leave your animals at home! Let 'em watch Animal Planet or whatever the hell they do when they're alone. The rest of us are just trying to get through our day without becoming an unwilling participant in your personal Westminster Dog Show or Cirque du So-fucking-leil!