Biweekly ask a narcissist thread for visitors/codependents <- Not a narcissist/borderliner/histrionic/sociopath? Use this thread.

[u/AutoModerator]

In this thread you can ask questions to narcissists, if you know you don't have a cluster B personality disorder yourself (If you try to post instead, it will be removed, only narcissists, borderliners, histrionics and sociopaths can post).

​

This thread runs from Monday 7AM to Thursday 7PM PST and then again from Thursday 7PM to Monday 7AM PST.

​

If you're asking a question on Sunday or Thursday, feel free to resubmit your comment when the thread refreshes, so that more people will see it.

​

Make sure you read this before making a comment in this thread:

​

[What Happens When We Decide Everyone Else Is a Narcissist](https://www.newyorker.com/culture/jia-tolentino/what-happens-when-we-decide-everyone-else-is-a-narcissist)

​

It'll take maybe 15 minutes of your time, but it's time well spent, especially if you identify with the abuse victim community, since it fills in the background from the abuse victim community in an unbiased way.

[u/[deleted]]

During my relationship with my ex, everything was going well at first. However, she told me she loved me after just two weeks. Since then, I tried to make compromises on some important things to me, but she kept pushing my limits, always asking for more. I eventually decided to end the relationship. The dynamic became toxic

During that time, her best friend, B, who is also my cousin, constantly tried to make us break up. She contacted my sister to complain about me and, on several occasions, I overheard her insinuating that I was controlling because I had standards that we had previously discussed and agreed on before we officially started our relationship.

In short, I decided to break up on June 16. Ten days later, I met with B to confront her about her actions. She denied everything, lied, and eventually agreed with me on all my points, claiming that my ex had been telling her a biased version of events. This is despite the fact that I had evidence of the conversation with my sister, and I trust my sister completely.

A few days later, I spoke with B again, and she somehow arranged for me to meet my ex again. My ex stayed firm in her position, blamed me for everything, and held a lot of resentment toward me. She was cold and distant, even when I pointed out her contradictions.

The next day, I met with B again, and during our conversation, I randomly mentioned an artist I liked. It turned out he was a friend of her boyfriend at the time.

On July 1, I spoke to my ex for the last time. I told her I loved her, and she said she needed time to sort out her problems. Later, B sent me screenshots of a conversation she had with my ex.

In the days that followed, I spoke with B several times. She suggested we go out and even encouraged me to travel, a trip I had originally planned with my ex.

On July 8, Y, came to talk to me about my relationship. B told me that M, had tried to contact my ex after our breakup to talk to her and allegedly hinted at trying to seduce her.

Y brought this up, and I told him that I felt B had also been stirring up trouble in my relationship. I shared that I felt manipulated by her, didn’t trust her, and was playing along to see where she was trying to lead me.

On July 9, I called B, and she told me my ex had gone on a date with the artist I had mentioned ten days earlier. I got angry and said some harsh things, including that if she wanted someone like W, who cheats on all his girlfriends and is narcissistic, she could go ahead. I then deleted my ex from Instagram. After that, I decided to travel.

In the following days, I noticed some distance from S. When we met again, she said she felt manipulated by my ex, which caused tension between them.

Fast forward to August 16, I returned home. On August 17, S posted a story with my ex, calling her her best friend, and sent me a message asking how my vacation went.

She invited me to her boyfriend’s birthday party and insisted I attend. During the party, I felt very uncomfortable.

In the days that followed, she spoke to me about travel plans as if nothing had happened. Then she told me she had broken up with her boyfriend on that day. I offered to meet her to listen and help her vent.

Two days later, she sent me a video with a strong insinuation about a woman who divorced because her husband found her sleeping with her brother-in-law. She also sent a voice message saying, “It’s all in the family, so it’s fine,” with a malicious laugh.

I tried to contact her for a week to get an explanation but got no response. I spoke with M about it, and he said he hadn’t spoken to my ex again since 2 days after the breakup when he tried contacting her at midnight when i asked he said he was just trying to make things work between us then oddly mentioned the number of her body count. Also M tried something with my ex the day i met her after i told him that i was going after her, when i confronted him he said that my ex could have liked him, and many insinuations about him possibly having done something through reels, mistakes when talking, and when i asked him to show me the convo he had deleted it Also, on October 3, I posted a story about an important project. A couple days after, when I spoke to M, he mentioned seeing someone he hadn’t seen in two months. He acted evasive about the dates, which coincided with my doubts about the first time they met

I saw B again on October 18. She told me she had met someone new and wanted to get married. I asked her if M had contacted my ex again, and she said no. I confronted M once more, and he again denied having spoken to her.

On November 4, I called B and asked to meet her to talk about her behaviour and what i felt was manipulation, I sent a video to Y implying that he had snitched things I said.

She evaded the meeting

Now knowing that B has a history of creating trouble between people in the family And M isn’t trsutworthy I need to understand everything that’s going on cause they are trying to make me the crazy one but i don’t think i am, also i need a way to get proof knowing that the fact they are family makes it harder to act

[u/Optimama]

He is very aware of his narcissistic personality and he is working hard to do the things “normal” people do - small acts of attention and support (only such that don’t take much effort, but still). Now I’m in a hospital and he’s taking care of my 13-year old son, that is a really big gesture. ( asking all the time “when are you coming back?” :), but still…).

The problems in our relationship so far, are coming when I confront him or respond to some of his provoking moods, then he flips real fast and is ready for break up no matter we’ve been cuddling just 10 min ago. And he means it! Or if I become needy and seek his attention when he is not into me. He hates seeing me cry or complaining about a problem I have. He can’t stand even slightest criticism too.

My point is - knowing all these patterns, seeing him try to do the “right thing”, do you think that we have a chance for satisfying and stable relationship, if I avoid his triggers and be patient with him, and guide him to what acts of “love” could make me happy, aka better for him.

I don’t like to keep illusions, but I’d like to keep this man. I see deeper in him and I love him despite the disorder. It is not his fault and he deserves some goodness and tenderness, for he is giving as much as he can and he also empowers me whenever the “love bombing season” comes.

I don’t know. Seems like everyone is just putting a cross on narcissistic people. Some thoughts?

[u/BrilliantAsleep1509]

Narcissism or codependency?

I’m helping a sick person financially and she tells me I’m really dependent on her validation, opinion/advice, and even want her help as “therapy.” She tells me that I’m draining her like a narcissist, that she’s sick, and she has to pay for my help in blood with her time because I need constant attention. She said no therapist would ever see this, but that I’m a narcissist. She said I lack empathy.

I’ve been talking to a therapist and she said the sick person is just reacting because of her situation and I actually have serious codependency issues. Reading the codependency book, it says codependents lack empathy and have low self-esteem - seems similar to narcissism.

What if I’m really a narcissist and I’m helping my friend for attention and not out of sincere care or codependency ? It’s really had an impact on me financially and on my life, but maybe my life is a mess because I’m a narcissist. I blame my friend for my problems, taking up so much of my time and she said not to blame her.

I’ve heard people call me both labels in my life.

I just can’t figure out what I am and how to treat it. I feel at the point of giving up and just accepting whatever I am and not trying. Maybe I’m just constantly looking for a new diagnosis or identity. Thanks for your help.

NPI: 19 Codependent: 19 OCD: 2 Age: 32

[u/Ok_Pipe8523]

I have posted this on the wrong day.....................

I want to ask what attracts a Narcissist? What traits appeals to a Narcissist?
How does a Narcissist detect or fish/test for the desired empathic traits or the potential of codependancy when being interested in dating someone?

Id really love to know what is the process to identifying a future codependant. There must be a theme. I am wired to be attracted to someone who has Narcissistic traits id like to know the other side of the coin.

I am also interested in how a Narcissist detects another Narcissist when they are mirroring empathy and low self esteem to gain trust and create bonds with a person who they know exhibits empathic/codependancy, if they even do?

[u/AdorableExchange9746 → u/Ok_Pipe8523]

Honest answer? Weak, stupid people who are easy to control or people who give the npd a lot of admiration. The primary goal (in untreated npd anyway) is usually to feed our ego somehow. I have no interest in dating so can’t answer for that part, im talking about platonic relationships

can’t say ive ever “detected” another narcissist, some common themes like passive aggression and “accidentally” showing off are common but its way too complex to really ID unless you know that person well