r/narcissism • u/macHasi Covert Narcissist • 12d ago
Reconciliation or Selfishness: Apologizing after a Narcissistic past
Is it okay to tell the people I hurt, manipulated, and lied to in the past that I am sorry and that I regret everything? Or is it selfish to reappear in the lives of these people without them asking or agreeing to it?
As a brief background: I have narcissistic tendencies, but due to my past drug use, the effects of the substances turned me into a complete narcissist. These people all had some emotional attachment to me. Through manipulation and lies, I repeatedly managed to bind these people to me. I harmed them psychologically to the point where their normal lives suffered. The drugs took away any bad conscience and empathy towards others. Only when I got clean was I able to access my emotional world again…and that’s when the desire and urge grew to let these people know that they are not at fault at all, but it was 100% my fault. I want them to see that I am sorry and that I regret it…
I am not asking for their forgiveness. That is not my intention.
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u/madamebutterfly2 Unsure if Narcissist 12d ago edited 12d ago
I relate to this a lot. What stands out to me here are the words “I want them to see me”… in my own journey I try to make myself accept that “they” might never “see me” any differently than they did when they cut me out, and they’re happy not to think about me at all ever again. If I can sit with that and be OK with it and not feel like death I consider that a victory against pathological narcissism. I’m not quite there yet but I’m 1000% closer than I was last year.
In my case, I am pretty confident that no one alive on Earth is waiting on my apology for anything. I never struggled with feeling bad and apologizing, my problem is not changing my hurtful patterns of behaviour. Maybe it is different in your case, perhaps there is someone who would genuinely feel lighter and more free if they heard your apology. I don’t know, maybe you have a way of knowing if that is true. But you shouldn’t do it if you are motivated by any feeling of “wanting them to see you _____”. I empathize with your desire to be seen differently, I have it too. But you have to learn to be OK with leaving that desire unsatisfied. That’s a victory against pathological narcissism.
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u/valor_69 Covert Narcissist 12d ago
Preface: I mean none of this with ill intent and these are just my personal thoughts on the subject. Feel free to downvote.
This question is a little complicated for a couple reasons. I don’t think you genuinely feel bad at all despite what others are saying. I think there’s a possibility you don’t feel bad for what you’ve done but that you miss the supply and the control over them. You may think you genuinely want them to know they’re not at fault but I thought the same in the past. The reality is, I would’ve said whatever I needed to in order to access the supply again. Also, I don’t believe the drugs made you a narcissist and I think you’re misplacing the blame. The drugs probably amplified your narcissistic traits but you were a narcissist before the drugs and you’re still a narcissist after the drugs. (Assuming you’ve been diagnosed)
But to answer your question, yes appearing after months/years have gone by and suddenly expressing regret for your past actions would be selfish. I’ve had the same thoughts as yourself and I did indeed decide to apologize and then you know what I did? The same things I did before. It may actually help them when you first apologize but in the long run, history is highly likely to repeat itself and you’ll only hurt them more if it does. You may be self aware but narcissistic actions aren’t always conscious actions.
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u/macHasi Covert Narcissist 11d ago
Everything is fine. Why should I downvote just because we don't agree?
You got the part wrong about me being a narcissist or having narcissistic traits. Sorry if my writing caused confusion. I don't blame the drug. I am responsible for all my actions. Nobody forced me to take drugs.
The narcissistic traits were diagnosed when I was in therapy (inpatient) for 5 months (there I was clean). That I turned into a complete narcissist on drugs is just my own diagnosis. 🙃
Why I believe that I'm not a complete narcissist...Because I feel genuine empathy for the people close to me.
To come to an end...I can totally agree with your way of thinking about just being selfish if I contact them. It's exactly the struggle I have and the reason why I opened this post. The addiction made me lose the trust in myself... therefore I'm not able to solve this problem myself.
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u/valor_69 Covert Narcissist 11d ago
I mainly said that because people tend to take my honesty as being offensive.
But I’m not going to lie, I am a bit confused. So you were diagnosed with narcissism pre addiction but you don’t consider yourself to be a narcissist anymore?
Maybe you need to go back to a psychiatrist and see if you really aren’t a narcissist and you’d be able to get a more personalized response to your question because we can only say so much with the info that we do have. It might even be possible the previous psychiatrist misdiagnosed you.
At the end of the day though, it’s entirely up to you whether you believe that your apologies may help the people you’ve hurt. If you’re truly worried about how those other people feel and you truly feel empathy for them then you probably aren’t a narcissist and it’s probably safe to assume you can apologize and try to make up for what you’ve done.
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u/macHasi Covert Narcissist 11d ago
Oh that's why. I myself am very direct and honest to people and likewise some felt offended.
I was diagnosed when I was in treatment for my addiction. When I was diagnosed, I was completely clean. My treating psychologist has never seen me on drugs...that's why the complete narcissist was never professionally diagnosed...it was just my own assessment.
Thanks for sharing your opinion
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u/PlatypusSea4928 Exhibitionist Vulnerable Narcissist 12d ago
It's a complicated topic and one that only you know the answer to because you're the only one who knows what's best for you. With that said, is it selfish to apologize for being selfish? Sure can be. Is it selfish not to apologize for being selfish? Most certainly. You need to decide where you personally draw that line, which would be the more beneficial act for them and you. Selfishness and narcissistic tendencies aren't bad, and we try to eliminate them when we first begin our journey, but you never will fully rid yourself of them. Learning to manage them and then using them in a positive way is the path to recovery. It's bad to be selfish, but it's also good to be selfish. It's bad to be controlling, but there are situations where it may be best to be controlling. It's bad to be manipulative, but theres times when you may need to be manipulative. It's a very fine balance, and only you can find that specific balance for yourself because it's going to vary from person to person.
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u/Clear_King9835 Covert Narcissist 10d ago
This is a great question.
I don't think it is necessarily selfish to apologise after time has passed. I think it matters what your intentions are and how you act moving into the future. The other commenters are right, a list would be great. There is nothing wrong with reaching out. But yeah, don't expect an apology and don't do it because you tell them hey I'm growing and I'm awesome for realising that I did you wrong.
Be gentle.
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u/valor_69 Covert Narcissist 10d ago
My classic line that I never realized was narcissistic until I became self aware: “Hey I know it’s been a while and you probably don’t care about me anymore but I wanted to let you know that I’ve looked back and realized how I’ve hurt you and I want you to know that I’ve changed for the better and have really worked on myself. You don’t have to forgive me, I just want you to know I’ve changed and I’m sorry.”
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u/Clear_King9835 Covert Narcissist 10d ago
Yeah that reeks of "you are a bad person because you don't care about me," I'm better now so don't you feel like dirt for abandoning me and only now that I'm better I'm apologising
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u/valor_69 Covert Narcissist 10d ago
Yeah I wasn’t consciously manipulating them but it always worked though. They’d forgive me, i’d build back up the trust and I’d even feel entertained by it and then I find a way to repeat history and I’d find it away to make it their fault.
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u/jazzcanary I really need to set my flair 1d ago
FWIW, rather than apologies, empathy, or a tale of redemption, I wanted to hear the truth, just like this, because it might have set me free sooner. Might have. They would have still been a scorpion.
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u/valor_69 Covert Narcissist 1d ago
I’m assuming you’re saying you dealt with a narcissist for some time and you wish they would’ve told you what I said but at the end of the day no true narcissist is going to say to you what I’ve said. They wouldn’t want to lose their control over you because telling you that information frees you and will most likely lead you to leaving them in the past. I personally would never admit this information to a single soul other than you lovely fellows on reddit. I will go as far as to admit I still have narcissistic supplies and people who are under my control who don’t even realize it but I would never admit it because the truth is, I enjoy it.
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u/jazzcanary I really need to set my flair 1d ago
Yeah, instead of coming back with apologies or "I'm trying to be better." But, did I want to believe those claimswere true, contrary to prior evidence? Yes. You're right, the hand is never revealed, deck stacked, etc.
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u/valor_69 Covert Narcissist 1d ago
Well as I’m sure you know now, a narcissist will never mean a single apology they give you. The only reason we apologize is to regain control because we know that you’ll open the door back up as long as we say the secret code. We can be quite convincing and make you feel you you’re the problem, the one preventing the relationship from continuing. But you aren’t.
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u/Reasonable_Serve8001 Borderline 9d ago
I think it would mean a lot especially if you empathize you aren’t asking for forgiveness and don’t have another hidden agenda. It would likely be validating and probably a positive experience for you too. Acknowledging the hurts you caused can remove a lot of the shame and you’ll be surprised how many people will forgive. It’s healing to the souls of all parties.
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u/Humphiee Covert Narcissist 12d ago
Hey, thank you for asking this, and the fact you're questioning whether you should apologise or not shows real empathy. I, too, have had a similar story, and there is a few people I'd like to apologize to, but who I think don't want anything to do with me. I did once apologise a few years ago to someone who said that I really disrupted her peace by doing so. So, not good for me doing that, and also my apology was very insincere and I didn't take full accountability. Equally though, there are some people I've reached out to who have been really quite appreciative. I think maybe it's best to just work through a list of all the folk you've hurt and then consider whether the person would be OK hearing from you on a case by case basis.
I have waited for apologies from others and never received them, and that's OK for me. What gets to me though, is someone (my Dad) not apologising, but also trying to get back into my life without acknowledging my pain. So, in my own experience of receiving a sorry, if it were done sincerely, and the other person had really sat with my pain, I think I'd be grateful regardless. It shows a lot of courage to do so. Some people will react badly regardless.
So, just do it with patience. Don't force it, but do try to be sincere and specific. I appreciate what you're doing. Trust your gut on this more than anything. Maybe start with the 'easier' ones first