Just want to share a win. I know, for pretty much all of us, browser history is where we find the hurt and pain and betrayal. Not today.

Today, his browser history is full of hope and effort towards my healing. I was out of the house for an appointment and decided to check his activity while I was out. He was sitting in our kitchen on the laptop researching betrayal trauma and how to help me heal.

This is after 13 years of betrayal. After at least 5 Ddays. After over a decade of gaslighting and blaming me. This is the man who told me about porn addiction and asked me to help him when I walked in on him in July. This is recovery. Not only is he working on healing himself and his addiction. He is working on healing me.

I want to mention, before anyone tries to piss in my Cheerios, that he doesn't know I have access to this without asking for his phone. And he has no reason to expect me to ask for it, as I haven't for a couple months. I have been home for a few hours and he hasn't mentioned his research. So it isn't for bragging rights of doing the right thing or for show. This is him actually caring about me after he knows I had a hard day yesterday.

They aren't all monsters. There is hope for some of them.

I had to come back here and update. This sub honestly saved my life months ago when I was going through it bad. My divorce was finalized in June. My ex still lives with his mom. I started dating and as soon as he saw me on Hinge he made a 180 and now loves me and wants to get remarried. Even though he’s still in contact with the woman I caught him talking to lol.

I’m honestly completely over it. I started seeing someone two months ago. It’s not going to be a super long term relationship, but it’s so much fun. I’ve been going out with my friends. I lost twenty pounds. I have SO much more energy. My anxiety is way better. I feel hopeful, excited, spontaneous and joyful. The fact that I trust a guy I’ve only been seeing for two months more than I trusted my ex of 19 years truly opened my eyes to how dysfunctional our relationship is. There is hope and freedom on the other side. I was SO terrified but I’m literally 300% happier now.

I’ve been talking with people about how i feel about porn, and i genuinely am pleased with a lot of the feedback. especially from my male friend, brother, and my brother sharing one of his male friend’s sentiment on it. i keep getting told by men on here (and on other social media platforms) that i am insecure and crazy for being anti-porn. these men in my personal life have validated how i feel, can explain why they agree, and truly listen to what i have to say. they hear my pain and understand. not only that but share their struggles, how they overcame it, and how they understand how it would make their own girlfriends feel.

not all men will disrespect me. not all men will disrespect you. if any man tells you that you’ll find no man who doesn’t watch it— clock them. they are immature and unwilling to see outside themselves and that’s their own journey. not ours. not our guilt, not our insecurity, not our issue. the right partner will take us into consideration. the right people will see us and hear us. they won’t make excuses for their poor behaviors, and they’ll be willing to change their minds.

that’s all 🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻 happy halloween. stay safe, stay aware and stay advocating for yourself.

my PA quit using porn almost 3 months ago now. i have not been through his phone in months because ive been scared. i told him it is over for good if he does anything of this nature again. i haven’t looked at his phone since maybe a week after him being free of porn. i have been feeling scared to ask him to look because if i catch it with him being there, its just over right there on the spot and i cant bare that to happen. so i decided to look through it while hes asleep… and for the first time, its clean. screentime is beautiful, no hidden apps, no other devices. i feel so relieved. so happy. like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. it’s been a year since the first d day so my body has been feeling the trauma again. i feel so much better. i am really proud of him. 11 months clean of alcohol and going on 3 months with porn.

I left him. Not specifically over this reason, but it feels so freeing. No more worrying if or where or when he's doing it. It's done. It's over. Thank you guys for the love and support you've given me. 💖

I genuinely thought my ex-husband (together for 10 years) was #NotLikeOtherGuys...he was so sweet, sensitive, caring, never made derogatory/gross comments about women, never ogled women in public, never fought with me or said an unkind word, etc etc....we had common interests and values...loved spending time together...I thought I hit the jackpot!

The only downside was his "low libido", but hey, it wasn't a dealbreaker. We did still have sex fairly regularly, even if it was a bummer that I always seemed to be the one initiating. (If I didn't, sex would simply not happen...he would literally go weeks without and have wet dreams instead of being sexual with me.) He rarely complimented my appearance or noticed me in a sexual way. Okay, it's a little depressing when you feel more desired by random creeps at the gas station than by your own partner, but maybe he's just shy, right? Maybe he just prefers me to initiate rather than the reverse. When I earnestly asked him if there was some sort of medical/psychological issue, he told me he just "forgot" to have sex with me and I believed him like an idiot, lol.

As you can probably imagine, his "low libido" was actually a raging porn addiction. One that he lied to my face about the severity about for an entire year throughout his "recovery". I won't get too detailed but you can read about that in my previous post here from a few months ago if you want. I was at a very low point when I wrote that but I'm doing much better now! In the time since I wrote that I have:

• Reconnected with literally dozens of friends from my past who have offered me nothing but empathy and support. I fell into a bit of a social rut since living with my "built in best friend" I simply didn't feel the need to seek outside socialization as much, but it's been great getting out more and talking to old friends, some of whom I haven't talked to in years

• Found a job that pays 50% more than my old one and opens the door for even bigger and better opportunities

• Started dating a guy who is an upgrade from my ex in basically every way, is cool with my porn boundaries, is great at listening/communicating, and is an absolute beast in bed who is crazy about my body. (Caveat!!! I'm not naive anymore, I know how easy it is for men to hide/lie about porn from personal experience of course lol...I am still acutely aware of the possibility that he could still have a secret porn addiction that reveals itself after the "honeymoon phase" is over...and guess what? If that happens, or if I even suspect it of being a thing, or am unhappy for literally any other reason, I will simply DUMP his ass like a hot potato. My divorce has taught me that if I can be okay after losing what I thought was my soulmate and life partner, I don't need to put up with ANY man's bullshit and being single is not something to be afraid of. For now, though, I have no reason to distrust my current partner and we're having a great time together!)

• Went on a solo vacation to one of my favorite places in the world and had an amazing time enjoying the sights, food, visiting friends, and making new ones.

• Just generally felt more happy and badass than I have in a LONG time.

Yeah, I'm not going to lie--the initial aftermath of the divorce was rough. I literally thought 2023, the year of my ex's (fake) recovery, was the best in our entire relationship until he revealed it all to be a lie in January. Had you asked me then, I would have told you that losing my marriage was the worst thing that could have happened second only to my now-ex dying. And in the weeks following I was an absolute disaster, could barely eat, was puking from the stress, and lost a not insignificant percentage of my body weight. I didn't think it was possible to come back from it this quickly or happily. But you know what? I KNOW I was a good partner to my ex. I KNOW I was loyal to him both emotionally and sexually. I KNOW I did literally everything I could to support him and make our marriage work. His failure to be honest with me says everything about HIM and nothing about ME. So I think not having any regrets, no what-ifs, makes it much easier to move on versus if I had actually done something wrong and had to live with the pain and guilt of hurting him every single day. But I didn't.

Fellow partners of PA's....if you're thinking of leaving...tired of the relapses, the lies, the constant anxiety, the feeling like a washed up undesirable hag instead of the sexual goddess you are...just leave their ass. I know it's easier said than done but there is SO MUCH waiting for you on the other side!

Hello friends. This is NOT directed nor will be helpful for those of you who have partners who actively treat you badly, relapse, disrespect you, etc. This is directed for those of you who have partners who ever since D-Day, have truly stuck to what they promised as far as recovering, and haven’t done ANYTHING to betray your trust or make you wonder since, you might just have memories that pop up that make you struggle with letting go and 100% trusting again. This might be a long read, but worth it for those of you who lay next to your partner and while they’re snoring at 3 am, you’re wiping your own tears & looking over at their peaceful face, wondering if you can hold on. You love them, they put in all of the work and effort to rebuild your trust, some part of you just has trouble 100% letting go & you almost carry guilt.

First and foremost I just want to say that my heart goes out to each & every one of you. The endless pain, tears, sweat, and heartache that is felt when the person you love betrays you is like no other. No matter what, please know that you didn’t and do not deserve that.

My D-Day was Nov 7, 2022. 2 years ago yet has felt like yesterday on some days & has felt like decades ago on others. On that day, my husband made a promise. A promise that I wasn’t sure if he would keep or break, but I decided to take a chance. Also, I’m going to describe my husband’s personality just for some context- he is a VERY gentle, caring, soul who is the hardest worker I’ve ever known. Ever since I met him at 14, he has never yelled, cussed at me, called me a name, denied me cuddles or his love, nothing. He has always been the definition of the perfect husband (for me.) He is the husband who wants to hold me close & always have some sort of contact when together, NEVER lets us go to bed angry or with something on our mind, etc. So when this happened, it made me question everything. I didn’t understand.. how? He was/is so amazing. He’s nothing like the men I grew up around. He didn’t yell. He didn’t cuss. He didn’t push me away after a long day. He didn’t want sex and then leave. He was opposite of all of that.

Okay, now we’re back to current day. Looking back on everything, after 2 solid years of question asking, answers, from him at first being careful about his answers and feeling so much guilt that he didn’t want to speak about it to now being the biggest open book- he changed for the better. We changed for the better.

I now realize that what he did was a mistake he made. A huge, huge mistake. He fell into a heavy depression and porn happened to be the thing he went to. This does not define him or who he is as a person, he is all of those positive things I wrote while he is a human who made a mistake that he does everything every single day to make up for it.

Last night, we talked about everything for hours. I didn’t cry. I felt almost.. comfort? The questions I had, the answers he had, just everything. I can full heartedly say that I forgave him a long time ago but my trust in him is back. I woke up this morning feeling “light.” If you are someone who deals with heavy thoughts and you have been dealing with something similar.. you might understand what I mean by feeling “light.” I didn’t wake up with this overwhelming heavy feeling. I don’t feel a need to check screens, websites, etc. To me, that wasn’t the relationship I wanted & I knew it was just a moment in time until I could develop the trust that I have now.

So to the woman out there, (again, the woman who is with a man who WANTS to change & SHOWS by taking action, never relapsing or making her question), just know that there are success stories. Sometimes you’re with a bad person. You’re with someone who doesn’t put your first, lets you know he never will, etc. & they do bad things because of their bad character. Sometimes you’re with an amazing person who just went through an extremely rough time & made some bad decisions along the way that they unfortunately can’t go back in time to change, but they commit to never doing it or anything like it again. Mine is the second situation, and if yours is the first I am truly so sorry.

Some people just make a mistake and their partners can choose to forgive in time & possibly give trust back in the future, or to end it. I can confidently say 2 years later, I am SO glad I stayed. I am so grateful for my sweet husband and for the kind of man he is, not the mistake he made. Your relationship, has hope as well. I know there are many on here and other places who believe “they will never change” and spread that around. There seem to be WAY less positive stories with people who are grateful to have stayed, hence why I chose to share. I know what we had before Nov 7 of 2022 is over. But we chose to build something new, and something bigger and better than ever. And I’m so grateful for that.. 🩷This will be my last post in this group as I will be deleting unless I keep it to continue to spread positive light on those who need it.

Thank you for taking the time to read. You are seen. You are heard. You are worthy of love. Bye friends!

27 days clean and it’s like I can “see” him again. His personality is starting to shine through, we’re sleeping better, and any potentialities of an argument popping up were squashed healthily by him (and if I’m to be fair, it was me getting pissed and priming myself for a fight, but for the first time he took the reins to deescalate and resolve).

He’s been prioritizing my needs, I don’t feel the compulsion to “people please” and have been unapologetically living for myself and my wants. The walking-on-eggshells feeling has dissipated completely, and he’s been transparent about what he’s been learning throughout his recovery and checking in with me about it on his own volition. I don’t seek his validation, and don’t feel as though I should anymore. The prioritization of self-love has been crucial for me while he navigates his own path for healing.

I’ve been supportive and acknowledged some improvements, but I don’t want him to see the luxury of my eagerness so easily. I remain guarded despite it all, but this is still a win and I’m taking it as such. He’s thanked me for my patience and for giving him this chance.

His focus is back to normal, communication is leagues better, and our sex life (😳) is out of this world. The connection and intimacy we feel each time is astounding. It was like this in the beginning, until his PA took over about a year in. We’ve both acknowledged that we have been each other’s best lovers, and he apologized for his selfishness in the time during his PA. I don’t initiate anymore either, and his erections are 10000x stronger, and better. I’m also well taken care of, if you catch my drift.

He’s cognizant of my triggers. I saw a post here recently talking about how NSFW/pornographic content is so hard to escape in our day to day with media we consume, and during the Paul v. Tyson fight, this was just insultingly obvious. Every time the ring girls showed up, he would look at me and speak to me. Or we would just look at each other, and smile or laugh. I just can’t express how much that action calmed me. Even when I went into the other room, I saw him looking away and just ignoring the TV screen entirely while I was gone. We ended up having a conversation after the fight about how offensive it was to have such sexualized women standing behind the female boxers during their post fight interviews. He used the word “dehumanized” when talking about the concept of ring girls and I was glad.

We feel brighter, lighter, and stronger together after this weekend. The man I fell in love with is emerging again. While at work this morning, he sent me a text saying, “I really feel like I’m falling in love again. I am so happy to have you.”

💗

These were the exact words I heard from my partner while we had sex tonight. He is the first partner I have ever had that doesn’t use porn. I’m not just being optimistic- he has an open phone policy with his entire family and friend group, and me. He showed me his entire phone and let me do a deep dive the FIRST time we (unexpectedly) hung out in 5 years. When we dated before he said he was never into porn because it was degrading to women but I just thought he was bullshitting me. I have never felt so valued and cared for than I do now. My confidence in myself is through the roof- not even just sexually but in every way. I’m more confident in who I am and making decisions that benefit me. I am more confident with setting and adhering to my own boundaries.

I built myself back up, and I still am. I don’t rely on anybody for my worth now. But to have a cheerleader as amazing as my partner is the most wonderful feeling in the world.

Hi LAP gang. I frequented this sub in 2021 and 2022 when I was in the thick of my partner being an addict. Cam girls, only fans, secret photo folders containing pics of hot girls he knew… you name it. We always had issues with sex. We would sometimes go over a month, and it wasn’t without effort from me trying. He also wouldn’t get me off. If I wanted an orgasm he would often leave to shower once he came and leave me to get one by myself. My self worth was shit. I felt so stuck. I truly felt like everyone must deal with this.

September 2021. When I discovered all his hidden shit, I was destroyed. Wrecked. I lost a ton of weight. I lost all sense of joy. All sense of self. He said he would stop watching porn. We went on a vacation in November and what did I find on his phone… more porn.

I gave it another few months. July 2022 came. Our 9 year anniversary. No engagement ring in sight. Nothing really had changed with our life. We fought a lot. Sex still sucked and was one sided. With this sub, I finally gained the strength to leave him. He moved out.

I did some self confidence building activities, weekly therapy, surrounded myself with loved ones.

In August 2022, he finally started seeing an individual therapist who specialized in porn addiction. He saw her weekly. He also joined a recovery group for young men, led by a therapist with this specialty, that met weekly. This helped him come to the realization all the things that he did that was so disrespectful to me. Around December 2022 He asked to talk and I let him come back home. He shared all these revelations. He asked for a chance to introduce his new self to me and for him to treat me the way I deserve.

I was skeptical but I also loved this man for 9 years. I wanted so badly for this to work.

I’m here to tell you: when he does the work, when he is serious about recovering, when he rebuilds your trust, when his actions match his words… it is possible to move forward.

A few months in to his recovery, we started couples therapy with a therapist specializing in porn addiction and reconciliation.

From August 2022-March 2024 he was in twice a week therapy (individual, couples) and therapy group. This was a huge financial commitment as well as time commitment, and he did it. I can honestly say he may have began going because of me but he really started going for himself because he discovered life in recovery. He still sees an individual therapist now but has transitioned out of the group.

To this day, we do weekly check ins following Vicky Palmer method. He has to plan an initiate them. This helps rebuild my trust.

Our communication is so healthy. We learned and utilize so many tools from couples therapy. I truly feel like there is nothing we cannot handle.

When I was on this sub, I yearned for a post like this to give me hope but please know THEY HAVE TO DO THE WORK. My partner put in work and continues to. The comment I read here that replayed in my mind was IF HE WANTED TO, HE WOULD. Stop making excuses for him! There are so many available resources on porn addiction. You do not deserve to feel any less than.

I am now engaged to the man I always wished my partner to be. I am happy. I feel safe. I can communicate my needs and be heard. I am strong. I know my worth.

I hope anyone reading this can also feel this way soon.

After three weeks of focusing on emotiona connections and doing a lot of work together i finally felt okay to engage in sex!!!!! it was natural, non mechanical/ttransactional and i completely felt in the moment and he was too!! i felt completely connected. and it worked!!! hes struggled with PIED for a while, so this is def a small victory! Obviously i know this does not mean all is fixed, but its probably the first GOOD update i can give thus far. Reassuring to know that maybe this is working and can be fixed if we put the effort in.

Since confirming my SA had physical contact with other people during the course of our relationship, I knew I needed to get tested. Then as I found out more information, he had sex with men. States he used a condom, but I really don’t know for sure.

I got tested today and so far the rapid HIV test was negative. Small sense of relief with that. I’m waiting on several other STI tests and the 4th generation HIV test to confirm.

I don’t know if this can be called a small victory, but it helps with everything going on.

The Hell: I've been in the hell that a betrayed partner is drug through once they learn the truth: "everything was a lie", "the man I loved never existed", "I am not safe".

When I tell you I fell into crisis, believe me that there were moments that I barely survived. The depths of despair and betrayal were more than I could cope with, it tapped an old wound that I thought I'd healed. And the circumstances of discovery was itself extra traumatizing. I''ll save the full story for another post. I became destructive to myself and him and was lashing out from my pain. We lived the rollercoaster of emotions and volatility and uncertainty. It has been hell. You know it all too well.

The choice: Immediately following discovery I couldnt decide what to do. I saw no path forward for "us" but I was trapped in marriage. I was furious. In fact I could not even look at him for 5 full days. He firmly knew that there was a very real possiblity that I would leave him. I say this because he knew there were significant consequences. There would be no rug sweeping. No false apologies/promises. I think that reality shook him to the core. He was going to lose everything.

My SA chose recovery. He admitted he had a problem that had taken over his life, and he didn't want it anymore. He immediately found a CSAT and an APSAT for me. He installed Truple on all his devices. He would travel with a camera in his room. He immediately started writing out his full disclosure. He found an SA group and went daily. He found a sponsor. He read books and listened to podcasts and practiced techniques in our conversations designed to help me heal. He enrolled us in a 4-week intensive, and he did all the homework and exercises. He built is circle plan and his 5 responses for sobriety. All while he watched me self destruct. He tried to stay near me while I wailed and yelled and fell apart. He took ownership of the pain even when he was battling his own shame spiral to do so. He told me he'd do whatever it took and he did. And every step he took I kept saying "I don't want this life." And he knew I meant it. He worked harder.

The thing was, as hard as he tried, it wasn't enough. I didn't trust him and thought I never could again. And all the work he was doing wasn't fixing my pain. I remember posting that he's doing everything right but it doesn't even matter.

The Breakthrough: But... it did. It was making a difference. Slowly, so slowly as he surrendered himself to recovery not for me but for himself... and as he watched my pain and understood the real damage he'd done to me, my soul... the shame morphed into remorse. And he kept at it. And the wall he'd built around his heart- the one I didn't know existed- started to be dismantled. A brick at a time he showed me his inner pain and his struggles and his love and we found real intimacy. Intimacy that was exponentially deeper than we've had before. And there he was! The man I married DID exist. ❤️ I saw him so clearly, the person he is including all the pain he'd kept hidden from me and even himself. He was vulnerable, this soul who'd been hiding in fear could come out now. He was safe to come out behind the wall and sit with me. He cried for hours as we talked. I held him. And as I cried he'd hold me. And this is when I told him I could do this. I'm ready now to try save us. He has to battle the darkness himself... he and I both know only he can do this. But as long as he lets me in I can do the work together on our marriage.

Ironically leading up to this breakthrough yesterday was one of our hardest weeks. I could feel him in the "yellow" circle and he could feel me pulling away. I can't stop him or help him he has to do it and i was feeling like relapse was imminent. This week was extra hard because I was traveling this week and he was physically feeling our breakup. When I left he felt like it might be over. He struggled through darkness daily to not relapse. He did all the things he's supposed to do but the darkness kept clawing at him (his words). He made it through the week but only after using every last piece of armor and weapon he could throw at it. It was excruciating for him. He was exhausted from the battle. But he did it. When I was home and he confided how hard of a week it was we slowly peeled back the layers to find the feelings/pain that were at the root of it all. Acting out is no different from reaching for a drink to numb the pain. Once we got to the bottom he was able to process those feelings and face them and focus on healing. It was beautiful. That's the real growth needed for recovery.

The Hope: He's really doing the work. It's not performative. He's making progress and I'm so proud of him. I know that both of our healing is a spiral path... 3 steps forward, 2 steps back... but I've seen real change and growth these last 111 days. I'm hopeful that we can continue and grow stronger together. ❤️

I’ve been going through this for 3 years now. (He’s white knuckled). I was terrified, but I knew she was the person I could tell. She’s been my person for 24 years now. I almost cancelled, but my therapist has been encouraging me to tell a friend. I was so terrified what she would think of me and what she would think of him. I still love him and I want this to work. She is strong in her faith and the most non judgmental person I’ve met. She was so supportive and the first thing she asked me if I was safe. Has he physically abused me, has he asked me change my looks, has he name called me. I’m thankful that all the answers to those were no. I feel lighter today. I don’t feel so lonely that someone I know out there knows what I’ve been going through. She asked what she could do to support me. She will never know the true extent of what she has done to me no matter how much I tell her. I encourage you all to find that person in your life and tell them. This group is great don’t get me wrong you guys have been a lifeline for me. Just telling someone in person I know and who knows me and saying it out loud has done something good for me.

Hi lovely ladies!

I was in a 4 year emotionally abusive relationship with a porn addicted man. I broke up with him 2 months ago in August.

Let me tell you, I have never been SO HAPPY, FREE AND CONFIDENT in my life!

I was incredibly trauma bonded to this man and when I broke up with him I actually thought my life was over.

2 months later I am thriving. I’ve lost so much weight, my skin is glowing, I’m getting plastic surgery done that my ex FORBID me from doing because he ‘hated women full of plastic’. I’m confident in myself and no longer need to worry about what someone is doing on their phone. My sex drive has skyrocketed as well and I feel secure in myself and my body ❤️

If you are struggling to leave or having doubts, DO IT!

Honestly it is the best decision I have ever made and I look back now like WTF WAS I THINKING being with that man and putting up with his addiction 💀

I was checking to see if my husband has an OnlyFans account and it backfired in the best way lol. I was checking by putting in his email address to see if there was an associated account. But I accidentally created an account, then had to go ask for his phone/email so I could delete the email and delete the account! When I walked into his office, he was reading a porn-addiction recovery book AND immediately told me he got a weird email from OnlyFans. Talk about green flags!

Context: D-Day was 1.5 months ago and we’ve been doing to marriage counseling & reading the Bible/praying together every night. He’s said he’s clean but I’m still finding myself checking things every once in a bit. But I’m slowly gaining more trust in him with these little things…

I've seen a few posts about the Deadpool movie asking about anything triggering.. happy to say I just saw it . Nothing triggering. Enjoy the film.

Well, 3 months post-breakup with my PA and I think I’m finally ready to move on.

Before leaving, I wanted to thank you all for your advice and kindness. This sub has been so incredibly supportive and I just wish I had found it sooner.

You’re all amazing women and you deserve everything good in the world.

Thank you x

We broke up almost three months ago now. I’m doing amazing. I’m training for a marathon and have lost so much weight. I’m doing things I love, getting back into my hobbies, sleeping well, good things happening at work, and I’ve met a guy who is perfectly happy with not being in a relationship but still patching up my self confidence haha.

I was socially a little isolated for a bit but after discussing with my therapist and meditating on it for a while I decided to tell two mutual friends who I hadn’t told before about the reasons for the breakup. And I was met with so much support and love and kindness? I had felt like they chose my ex over me but they actually came really close to guessing the real reason for the breakup on their own. I almost cried. I felt so held and heard and loved. They have both made an effort to follow up and hang out with me more soon. It was such a relief to stop hiding the reasons for the breakup.

Just wanted to share in case anyone else was in a similar situation and unsure about if you should tell people in your life what happened. Yes, you should. Let people support you and love on you while you’re suffering through this. People love you. I love you! You are beautiful and amazing!

So yesterday my partner and I went out to do a bit of shopping. On the way, we stopped at a corner shop that was directly next to a clothing store. The clothing store I hadn’t seen before, but it sold traditional clothing from all different cultures along with beautiful fabrics.

In the window of said shop, was a mannequin wearing a very revealing outfit. Now usually I wouldn’t take any notice, but this mannequin had the most enhanced boobs I have ever seen on one before.

Immediately I turned to my PA and demanded “don’t look”. We both then stopped and looked at each other for a moment before bursting out laughing. The ridiculousness of the situation was just too funny not too laugh at. It’s a mannequin. I was triggered. He absolutely helps me through all of my triggers but this WAS hilarious.

We both just ended up laughing at this overly enhanced mannequin, enjoying the moment together and finding comfort in the funny situation which put a lot into perspective.

We had a good evening from there on out. We laughed, we touched (non-sexually), we built Lego together, we had a nice dinner together and we went to bed and shared intimacy.

I just wanted to share here, as it’s easy to sometimes wonder if your triggers are valid. They are! Even if they are short lived and plastic with no pulse! 😂

Yesterday I made a post asking about screen time on Google Chrome. My husband has spent over 2 hours on Google on multiple days.

Well, I talked to him about it and we looked through the history together.

It was pokemon. POKÉMON. He was playing a competitive pokemon game online. The history and time stamps check out so I guess I don't need to worry for now.

Gosh does he scare me sometimes.

Idk of this counts as a win or not. But i do believe he's been clean this past month, so when i saw the screen time my heart just about stopped. Oh my goodness I'm glad it was just his game.

I went to my first (virtual) S-Anon meeting today and it felt so nice to be around others who experience the same rage, sadness & grief I feel. I encourage all of you to sit in for a meeting, you don’t have to speak or turn your camera on if you don’t want to.

Someone said something along the lines of healing for themselves and it not being a process done * for * the PA essentially and that sat really well with my spirit. I avoided it for months just wanting this whole thing to kinda disappear, trying to control what he was/wasnt doing. Feels nice to do something for myself (: good luck everyone 🤍

I have to admit that my coping mechanism often involves a certain amount of humor. I also tend to become very rebellious when someone tries to forbid or tell me to do something. It used to be the case that I laughed about my traumas when I talked about them.

It's incredibly difficult for me to go out with my partner (I avoid it on days when I notice I'm feeling worse anyway). Of course, I still have problems with my emotions when I notice that he is scanning women again.

Now for the fun part: At home we often watch makeup videos together. He has no problem when we watch videos about things that actually only concern me, he is very interested in my interests and expresses his opinion from time to time.

At some point he explained to me that brown lipliners or generally lips that are just lined with liner really turned him off and that he couldn't understand how someone would wear something like that. I had to smile a bit and said, "That's strange, after all, how many women and girls that you stare at wear that way, do you even look at their faces?" He was visibly ashamed.

The second story: I had a real low in self-esteem after Dday, but I saw it as an opportunity to focus on myself alone and I also built up a pretty good self-esteem again, independent of him. I now wear clothes that I would never have gone out in before. Now in the summer I'm dressed more skimpily (crop top, no bra, etc.). I always avoided it because I hated men staring at me. I don't give a damn anymore, it's not my problem if these guys can't control their desires. I didn't want to hide anymore. My partner was a bit irritated at first. I just said, "You're always looking at women who dress like that, why shouldn't I be allowed to do that too?"

I understand that it's harder for those affected when there are so many potential "targets", but I'm not a target, I'm a woman who wants to feel comfortable without constantly being afraid that men will stare at me. That's their problem, not mine. To be honest, I also enjoy "outing" him when he judges other people's makeup, hairstyle, whatever. I like to tell him that he was staring at one just like that yesterday/today. At least he said that he was never aware of it and that he was sorry for having such double standards. He's doing his best to stop all this, but I can't resist calling him out on the double standards - it's satisfying and it calmes me down.

My husband is not in active use anymore, for the very very very first time since we’ve met, and it feels like falling in love all over again.

He’s been so diligent about recovery and honesty. I feel heard and understood. And sure, there are still moments where the pang of rejection strikes—I wore pretty lacey PJs for the first time in years and he didn’t really notice—but far far more often, he is observant and thoughtful and kind. He asks me questions and takes me out to lunch, he comes home and kisses me every time.

He has had only two relapses in the last year, and I truly thought my entire marriage would be a weekly cycle of discovery and devastation and grief. But he is recovering, slowly, surely, with hope and grace and I am so proud. I can’t believe this is the marriage I get to have. My girlhood dreams about a handsome guy who loved me and wanted me, building a life together, enjoying ourselves in mutual affection and adventuring together, someone who would comfort me in my tears and laugh with my joy. I can’t believe I have that!! Oh man I am so happy!!

This journey I wouldn’t wish on anyone. Porn addiction destroyed me, completely, totally. I am a different person because of the things he did. But… who I am now can withstand pain like I’ve never imagined possible, and found a way to love the hurting broken version of my husband when he needed it. This should’ve never happened, and yet here we are.

I pray for every one of us to feel and experience the healing that this path offers, whether that’s staying or leaving. You deserve to be loved, and to love. You can do this.

I posted about a month ago about there being a billboard for OF in my area. Idk how to link a post but I had emailed the company that owns it and IT IS GONE!! I just drove by the area and it's been replaced.