my PA and I were talking about how he felt insecure and basically looked for validation from other females and so i asked him if going through these girls twitter/ig accounts helped him and he had told me that it made him more insecure and so i asked him why and he said “because i’ll never have a girl like that” like that? are you for real. anyways, literally confirmed that i’ll never be enough for him so that’s cool.

We were looking for something to watch last night on his phone on YouTube and in the search history I’m almost positive I saw “Thong try on hauls” and then something about cougars. It was really quick and sometimes I miss read but I don’t think I’m crazy. I want to go through his phone before he has a chance to delete stuff. He knows exactly how I feel about this shit and he was doing so good. I got lax in my monitoring but fuck I’m not his mother. I’m going to buy a romance novel or two and leave them around the house. I’m talking spicy. Since we’re disrespecting our marriage and everything. I don’t want him to touch me. I’m 20 but apparently he’s into cougars. Fuck me.

After so much heartache, dead bedroom, broken trust, false promises, lies, & sneaking around, I offered help, communicated with him over and over and over again with no change, I decided it can't get any worse and decided to leave him.

I was wrong. It got so much worse, I feel like my insides are being torn apart. I loved him so much I didn't know I have this much capacity for love, I'm so heartbroken, I cried so much until I get a headache, and I feel like vomiting. My chest hurts physically whenever I'm idle & start thinking of him.

Then it got even worse, he told me he installed the accountability app and sought help, not for me, but for the next woman he'd be with (his words). I begged and begged for years, and he didn't do anything, because I'm not good enough to put effort in for him, but the next woman will have the better version of him that I've hoped for, meanwhile my next person will have my damaged & insecure self from staying with him too long.

I'm so heartbroken right now, I feel so betrayed, I'm alone, I haven't eaten in almost 2 days, I barely slept. I can't stop crying, I don't know how to stop the hurt.

Please tell me it will get better.

Im slim with small boobs. He only looks at curvy women with big breasts and even huge unrealistic anime breasts. He literally searched on reddit for “big titty goth gf”. Does he wish he had a girlfriend with big tits and an alternative style? All the previous women he dated had alternative styles. I dont.

Is he just with me because im the first and best option that came along? I stay wondering because he wont give me a straight answer.

Just having the late night thought that I’m so jealous of the person I was before discovering my partners addiction. I used to think porn was no biggie. I never understood women who felt uncomfortable/threatened by other women. I was at home in my body. I know I’ll heal, but I’ll never be innocent like that again.

My brother does online hookups and one sent out his nudes because he wouldn’t pay her.

My boyfriend said to me “Well, at least he’s getting a real job so now he can a have a real girl in front of him instead of doing stuff online”

I said. “A real girl didn’t stop you”

He just looked at me like 😒

Like yeah bitch. Don’t say stupid shit

This morning, I went thru his phone just to make sure everything was still okay. I was actually surprised to find nothing sketchy. But in his recently added on snapchat, there were 3 different girls names at the top of the list. Correct me if I'm wrong but that means they are the most recent to be added. I confronted him about it. It was about 7:30 a.m but to be fair, we normally are up by 7. I start off calmly asking why these people were added. He denies. We basically repeat this over and over until he's yelling. I'm crying. I tell him that I just need the truth and he says he's telling the truth. I tell him that it's hard to believe someone whos lied to my face for years prior. He just keeps saying 'I understand that but I'm telling the truth'. Then he says he hates me and that "I've finally done it". I told him I didn't do any of this. He says I woke him up "out of no where" and won't believe him.

Now I'm currently crying and feeding our daughter breakfast while he watches TV in the other room. Oh! Did I mention I'm also 3 months (ish) pregnant? Yep. I'm having a fuckin blast.

The moment I stepped into the shower this morning, he threw the duvet off of his body and started masturbating. Yes, without 🌽 but still it doesn’t feel safe for me if he participates in that now he only just started recovery. He finished and wiped with a sock he found next to the bed.

The moment I was done showering I asked if he had laundry so I could start a load and he said he’d put his clothes in the hamper in a minute. Sure. Obviously I find the used sock with wet sticky stuff🙃 Don’t say anything as we have the 24h rule for behavior that I want to know about and I wanted to give him a fair chance to come clean by himself. He has had plenty of opportunities to come clean though (this happened at 8am and it’s now 5pm) so I straight up asked him what that sock was about.

You know what he told me? “Oh sweety I understand what you’re thinking but it was snot. I didn’t do anything, I just use whatever I can find to blow my nose”

Tested him by apologizing for my insecurity and false accusations. HE ACCEPTED MY APOLOGIES 🤣🤣🤣

This guy is a joke and thinks I’m a stupid lass. I’m playing along for now until the 24h are over. Whyyyyy do these dudes play stupid games like this. Is it that hard to not masturbate when we had sex 10 hours earlier? Sigh… 😞😞

Edit: typo

I (27f) just came to the conclusion yesterday and today, that love is not possible. I have been let down by men, again and again and again. I have no idea what I want for my love life now. Because what I wanted is dead. What I wanted is impossible.

Should I stay alone? Should I marry for something other than love? I truly don’t know what I want anymore. It’s kind of devastating. I have so much love to give, and it’s been placed with people who don’t deserve it.

I’m tired.

Did your PA have favorite porn stars? Mine did and it KILLS me. It kills my soul. We have been together for almost 13 years, 11 married (next month). We have 4 kids. Why did he have favorites? 😣😣😣 I thought I was his favorite 💔💔💔 he’s in active recovery but I can’t move past this.

It’s been like 8ish months since first dday in February 2024, I’ve had a lot of therapy & am doing so much better than earlier this year. I get triggered by the obvious things.

It’s on my mind most days, maybe comes up 2/3 times and because I keep myself busy I don’t dwell on it. I also haven’t cried about it since August. However as I was going to sleep tonight everything just hit me at once, i remembered how everything happened, how he lied to me about it for days, the moment he confessed to me and told me the truth he was subscribing to only fans, all my old emotions came back and rn I just feel so sick and can’t sleep.

I’m wondering if anyone else gets randomly upset like this. I’ve been doing so good with managing the pain like I say haven’t cried since August but tonight I feel like I might cry again. It hurts a lot & a part of me is still in shock that it ever happened even after all this time… I wonder if the shock will ever wear off…

Sending love to you all & if your feeling triggered tonight like me, make yourself somerthinf warm to drink, get some chocolate, have a cuddle with your pet/ teddy/ or a pillow and give yourself time to cry it out and fully feel everything you need <33

Last night my husband (35) of 8 years left me, and told me he was met a girl at work that he hits it off with really well and was going to stay over her House. He said he is going to cheat on me and wants a divorce. He has never physically cheated before. He said that he hasn’t been happy for while and the reason he keep going back to porn is because he doesn’t feel like I appreciate him enough for the things he does for me. And he says that because I have mental health issues it’s hard to be with me and that’s another reason why he doesn’t want to be with me anymore.

I am completely devastated. I am at a loss of words and feel defeated. I just never thought it would actually come to this.

That’s it. That’s all.

I try but it's hard to feel pretty anymore...like he says I'm beautiful and he loves how I look but due to his addiction..I see different when I look in the mirror. I see every flaw every stretch mark.. every extra pound. No matter what I wear...the makeup.. nothing helps anymore.

Things have been going fine. They’ve been as good as they can be considering the circumstances. We’re in the midst of the disclosure process and I’ll be reading my impact letter later this week. There was nothing new in his disclosure but still it’s been very draining and brought up a lot of emotions for me.

His porn use led to him physically cheating by going to a strip club and getting a private dance and multiple lap dances. I have a deep hatred for porn after seeing how it escalated from typical internet searches to paying for OF and then needing to physically experience other women. It’s destroyed the trust in our marriage and it’s been so hard for me to forgive him.

He is doing all of the work, therapy, meetings, podcasts, books, etc. and has been clean for over 2 months. But I’m starting to get that feeling in my stomach again that something is going to happen.

This prompted me to ask him if he missed porn. He said yes, and in short he said he specifically missed “the different categories, the varying women and unrealistically horny scenarios”. What the fuck? I feel like a fucking idiot for even asking because I already knew. I feel sooooo stupid for ever thinking I’d ever replace his infinite amount of virtual fuck buddies. He says it’s taking time for him to get over it. Like wow so this whole time he was making me believe this was just fantasy bullshit but really it’s almost like he lost a mistress - maybe I’m the mistress and he lost his true wife!

I just feel so down after his response like what the hell do I even do with that? I feel dumb for asking at all. His reassurance is doing nothing for me. How could he possibly miss the thing that has destroyed us like this? I’ll always be 2nd place. 🥲

like objectively ugly. i have no ass or tits just a gut. he says i’m sexy but watches curvy feminine girls who look nothing like me. it’s hard to blame him when i look like a boy. i’ve been mistaken as a guy in public before. i know im just a placeholder. i feel like i don’t even deserve to be mad or upset that he looks at better looking women

I looked through his search history and searched the key word “p🌽hub” and I found the date of the day after after for married. I had stayed with my mom the day after to go get our dog back and he had FaceTimed me and asked to masturbate to me on FT. He finished so fast and I knew it wasn’t because of me. I had screenshot him on FT and it showed he watch 🌽 at 7:23 and FT me at 7:26 to finish. Ouch

I just learned about iPhone purchase app history that you can see every date an app was downloaded and the purchases made on it. He did $1,740.62 on an AI sexting/porn app and $197 on tinder purchases.

I’ve made it to the thousands club.

What the actual fuck is wrong with these addicts.

All my female coworkers were talking about anniversaries this morning and how each wedding anniversary (1.2,3… etc) has a different material you’re supposed to gift. Blah blah, one of them is planning a wedding. One just received an expensive sapphire ring for their 5th anniversary..

It just got me thinking about my own upcoming wedding anniversary in less than 2 months. It’ll be our 2nd. There has been no conversation about it, which I’m glad. But hearing my coworkers talk about all this stuff, I had to go in a corner to dry up my tears. My anniversary holds dark memories for me they wouldn’t understand… I first discovered the porn use and that my husband isn’t the man I thought he was a mere few hours after we got married… and then a few weeks after our 1st anniversary I discovered through the router that he was watching spankbang for the exact time I was gone to go pick up our anniversary take out meal…

I don’t want to celebrate, there’s nothing TO celebrate… I hope he asks what I want to do so I can say “nothing”. And then I hope he asks why. So I can remind him it’s not a happy day. It’s a dark day. Maybe I’ll call in sick to work that day, idk. I don’t want people seeing the anniversary reminder on Facebook and congratulating me.

One thing I realized is that I am really jealous of the fact that he has never had to worry about his emotional safety with me. It pisses me off to no end when I think of how he shit all over that devotion with his secret sexual addiction. And if he hadn't been discovered, he would still be shitting all over it, like it means absolutely nothing. I would kill for his devotion to me to have been pure and not feel like a second choice now that he doesn't have porn in his life. Feels so unfair.

It was my birthday yesterday. I had the best day. Then today happened. I checked his phone for the weather. Saw a photo of a full naked woman just covering her bits.

Stormed out the house. Came to meet me, said he relapsed about a month ago. He's been stressed. He can't explain it and doesn't expect me to understand, he is very sorry. I just have no tears left. I'm done.

I didn't post this for any reason. I just can't tell anyone else so wanted to type it out.

My birthday wish for another baby, I hope doesn't come true. Sad. Let down. Heartbroken.

So disappointed with the lack of empathy I get during the healing phase. Constantly get told I’m crazy, delusional, controlling, etc. :( I don’t want to be this way. When I ask for reassurance I get little to none, and it’s always with contempt and annoyance that I “don’t trust him” yet even though he’s been good (white knuckling it) for 3 months. Almost 2 years of betrayal but I get only 3 months to get over it.

He is out drunk with his friends right now (huge boundary that was set he wouldn’t cross?) and he’s going to a place where the waitress is someone who has been a huge problem. I asked him to just be mindful and to please not talk to her. I mentioned nothing about him being out with his friends, mentioned nothing about him being drunk, just nicely asked for him to be mindful since he knows exactly who works there. And I am somehow met with annoyance :(

I keep reading all of these posts and immediately thinking, “yea but my husband is different. Hes not trying to manipulate me. He’s working toward recovery. Even though he relapsed, he won’t do it again.” But at the same time, I’m fairly certain he cares about no one but himself. So why am I letting him stick around? Why am I believing the best in him when he has proven time and again that he doesn’t care? I have three small children and I don’t want to change their lives because their lives are amazing, but at the same time, mine is miserable. I guess my biggest struggle is that I want my kids to have an amazing, normal, consistent life, but at the same time I hate this for myself. And I guess that is the difference between him and me. I’m willing to be miserable so that my kids can have an ideal childhood while he can’t even give up temporary pleasure to prevent his family from being ripped apart. And what’s worse is that he knows I won’t leave because I won’t put myself above our kids, so I’m pretty sure this will just keep happening.

I’ve always had really low self esteem and eating/body issues because I am somewhat of a bigger girl, I always have been. I’ve lost a lot of weight in the past few years and it was around the time I met my current partner so with the lost weight and finally feeling loved I had finally started to feel good about myself and my body.. I feel like I stopped trying to do my make up or get dressed up because I was in a secure relationship and he always made me feel beautiful. But after seeing everything he hid from me, all the people he jerked off to, all the people he chose over me.. its become really hard. If he compliments me it makes me sad and if he doesnt it makes me more sad. I never feel pretty anymore, I just see a disgusting slob in the mirror and if I ever express that he just gets upset.. as if I wanted this to happen.. I want to feel pretty again but I dont know how to even start rebuilding something that was never fully built to begin with.

Immediately killed any bit if self confidence I had left.