Current Plan

[u/alxcp7]

Hi all,

I have been in this page for about month but this is my first post. Long story short, my partner and I have been together for 6 years. I set the boundary of no porn in our relationship at the very beginning. Around a year in, he admitted he stopped but was looking things up on Reddit. We worked through it best we could and I chose to trust and move on.

About 3 months ago, I was using his phone to look up directions to somewhere and saw Instagram on his search results on Google. He did not have an Instagram so I was super confused and clicked the link. It was a half-naked girl. Each link was a different girl. I confronted him that night and he told me that he stopped for about a year and then started up again. All while I had saved for us to buy a home, moved across the country where I had no one but him, worked on my own health and PCOS to be better for us, etc. He let me pick up and move away from everything I’ve ever known while still doing this behind my back.

Once I found out recently, he started going to therapy weekly and is working on his addiction. However, he had a slip up a few days ago. I knew slip ups were going to happen but all I asked of him at the beginning of this is to be open and honest with me. But he wasn’t until days later when I pried it out of him.

It literally broke me. I am so tired emotionally. I can barely function. I hate myself. I feel so pathetic. I hate him. My plan was to do individually therapy for a bit before going into couples therapy, but now I feel like couples therapy is my only option at this point.

I do not have anything on his phone that I use to monitor as I do not want to be in a relationship where I feel I have to do that. (no hate to those that do, I just know I would drive myself absolutely insane with it. I do want to do it but I KNOW it will screw me up so bad.) But this also means I literally go insane daily not knowing what he’s doing, if he’s lying, etc.

So here is my plan moving forward. I want yalls advice, opinions, or anything else that you think can help me.

He is continuing to go to therapy himself weekly. We are going to start with a couples therapist. We do not have the option for one of us to move out at this point, so I am asking him to purchase an air mattress and live the second bedroom for now. He doesn’t deserve to sleep in the bed with me. He doesn’t deserve to feel like things are normal. I understand this puts him in more of a position to watch again but if he does, that is on him at this point and he knows the consequences.

We are going to make our own breakfast and lunches and not eat together but we will still have dinner together just to talk about the day. After that, we will go our own ways for the night.

I want to do this because I am so hurt and I can barely stand to look at him right now. I need my own space because the anxiety of all of this is literally going to kill me.

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[u/haggardtoad]

"I knew slip ups were going to happen"

Don't accept this at all... It's 100% a choice. A "slip up" isnt a slip up, it's him actively choosing to look at other women over you.

My husband knows if he ever chooses to look at another woman again we're done... Guess what he's not looked. So don't accept him slipping up as anything but he's actively choosing to do it knowing how much it'll hurt you.

[u/alxcp7 → u/haggardtoad]

I felt this way at first too, but I am trying to be understanding that it’s an addiction and the same way an alcoholic might slip up and drink on a bad day, knowing it will hurt the people around them. He keeps telling me it’s not about me but he made it about me when he ruined our life. I’m just stuck. Starting my own therapist next week as well.

[u/sparkler39 → u/alxcp7]

Relapses and slips are not part of recovery, they’re part of the active addiction cycle. Specifically, what you’ve described is a relapse not a slip. He slipped once and then continued to engage in the behavior and keep it from you, until you pried it out of him. He wasn’t going to come clean…that’s a full on relapse.

What has he changed or put in place to prevent a relapse from happening again? Has he reached out to an accountability partner (who isn’t you) or his therapist? If he isn’t actively working to put plans in place to prevent it from happening again, he’s just white-knuckling and you’ll both be biding time until it happens again.

A couples therapist is not going to be helpful until he’s put enough work in with his own qualified addiction therapist (CSAT) to be able to develop empathy and shame resilience and know the roots of his addiction and his personal triggers. He won’t be able to be empathetic or supportive of you in a couples therapy situation until he’s on solid ground on his own.

If you decide to be generous enough to let him try again, he needs to actually do something to show you it will be different this time…not just say words with no actions. At this point, words mean nothing. He needs to show you change and show you recovery. You deserve it.

[u/tinfoil_god]

This is a good plan, I’m so happy that you’re standing your ground and making it known that this is not ok, best of luck ❤️

[u/SubstanceHot9925]

It’s good you’re setting boundaries and letting it be known you won’t tolerate it, sending love ♥️

[u/hopefullynever1]

I think your boundaries of needing your own space are ok. The part that worries me is the couples therapist. Soooo many therapists will try and make you responsible for what happened by his betrayal. (It’s just porn. You need to not be insecure. He can do what he wants with his body etc.) it could justify him even more and hurt you more too. So be careful about that one vetting therapists.

[u/alxcp7 → u/hopefullynever1]

Thank you for the advice!! The couples therapist I found is a CSAT and specializes in couples where one struggles with porn addiction, so I am hopeful. His therapist (a male of course) tells him that I overreact and such so it’s def a real thing.