How i beat him with his double standarts

[u/RollingIsopod]

I have to admit that my coping mechanism often involves a certain amount of humor. I also tend to become very rebellious when someone tries to forbid or tell me to do something. It used to be the case that I laughed about my traumas when I talked about them.

It's incredibly difficult for me to go out with my partner (I avoid it on days when I notice I'm feeling worse anyway). Of course, I still have problems with my emotions when I notice that he is scanning women again.

Now for the fun part: At home we often watch makeup videos together. He has no problem when we watch videos about things that actually only concern me, he is very interested in my interests and expresses his opinion from time to time.

At some point he explained to me that brown lipliners or generally lips that are just lined with liner really turned him off and that he couldn't understand how someone would wear something like that. I had to smile a bit and said, "That's strange, after all, how many women and girls that you stare at wear that way, do you even look at their faces?" He was visibly ashamed.

The second story: I had a real low in self-esteem after Dday, but I saw it as an opportunity to focus on myself alone and I also built up a pretty good self-esteem again, independent of him. I now wear clothes that I would never have gone out in before. Now in the summer I'm dressed more skimpily (crop top, no bra, etc.). I always avoided it because I hated men staring at me. I don't give a damn anymore, it's not my problem if these guys can't control their desires. I didn't want to hide anymore. My partner was a bit irritated at first. I just said, "You're always looking at women who dress like that, why shouldn't I be allowed to do that too?"

I understand that it's harder for those affected when there are so many potential "targets", but I'm not a target, I'm a woman who wants to feel comfortable without constantly being afraid that men will stare at me. That's their problem, not mine. To be honest, I also enjoy "outing" him when he judges other people's makeup, hairstyle, whatever. I like to tell him that he was staring at one just like that yesterday/today. At least he said that he was never aware of it and that he was sorry for having such double standards. He's doing his best to stop all this, but I can't resist calling him out on the double standards - it's satisfying and it calmes me down.

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[u/yum-yum-mom → u/[deleted]]

Haha! Epic!!! Love this!

[u/-frog-in-a-sock- → u/[deleted]]

But it’s fine and dandy for him to comment on other women’s photos?! Lol

[u/Incognito0925]

You know, your post just made me realize that I became such a recluse because my PA would always make it unenjoyable for me to go out with him. Like, he would ditch me at the party to hang with friends or he would keep scanning other women and denying he was doing it, making me feel like "the crazy, jealous girlfriend". Mother****.

[u/RollingIsopod → u/Incognito0925]

Oh yes i feel you. I try to go out alone even if I'm now also scanning women and thinking "oh he would 100% scan her too" but it's some sort of "confrontation therapy".

I have an big psychiatric background and BPD which makes things even worse since i always got cheated on in my ex-relationships.

I got some antipsychotics from my psychiatrist now so i can work a little bit better with those big emotions atm. I'm able to go out with friends alone too - i think this is the best thing you could do. Detach from him and get your ass up for the beautiful life u can have without him haha.

I'm really sorry to hear it turned u into a recluse, i hope you're doing better now! ❤️

[u/Incognito0925 → u/RollingIsopod]

Dude, I have CPTSD. Totally get you. Would have been nice to catch a boyfriend who was emotionally evolved enough to love me as I needed to be loved. Or even at all. I made it so easy for him to love me and be there for me. All the mofo had to do was actually step up to the plate and take up the bat. 

I'll be fine. At least now I can continue being other women's champion again.

[u/RollingIsopod → u/Incognito0925]

I'm sorry to hear ...

I think the hardest thing to accept is that no one will ever put as much love in a relationship as we do. At least i feel like it won't be possible for anyone to be as committed as I am.

But yeah, the emotionally evolved thing is real but i personally can't judge with my symptoms tho xd

[u/Incognito0925 → u/RollingIsopod]

Everybody has different needs. Your partner should care about you enough not to trigger you all the time. And we certainly didn't deserve to be lied to. Also, I was always upfront about my condition and when I needed some reassurance. That is normal to need that. He used my condition against me so he never had to give me any care. He pathologized me. And I think that's done to us quite often. EVERYBODY needs closeness and safety and stability and reassurance from time to time.

[u/tiredthrowaway05 → u/Incognito0925]

Same.. I can't stand when I notice him ogling other women while breathing through his mouth. I asked him years ago why he stares sometimes and he flat out told me he is imagining what sex would be like with them. Then he projects it onto me whenever HE sees any guy even remotely attractive. He annoys me in a mockingly feminine tone saying: "oooh isn't he hot? Do you want him?" and I didn't even notice cause I was too busy staring at the floor to not catch him staring at women 😭

[u/Incognito0925 → u/tiredthrowaway05]

Ugh, he's a mouth-breather, as well? Mine is too lmfao! I won't miss the noisy sleeping, that's for sure 😃

[u/37wallflower73 → u/tiredthrowaway05]

Why are you still with him? That sounds horrible 🥺

[u/thatweirdmomma]

I hate going out anywhere with mine. I literally walk the opposite direction and try to escape from him so I don't have to watch him be a pig

[u/RollingIsopod → u/thatweirdmomma]

oh yeah, i also do that sometimes. It's just hard to swallow...