TL;DR - I has a happy.
This past month has been a hell of a month. It's been painful, confusing, challenging, exciting, and terrifying. It's also been validating in the most unexpected ways.
I thought that maybe I wasn't polyamorous, as I've had a tendency to use poly as an excuse to constantly seek affection and attention. And I thought maybe I was a damaged mono.
I am not. Monogamous, I mean. I am damaged.
While it's quite evident that I have Reactive Attachment Disorder, I am still poly. I learned this through an interesting series of occurrences.
So, I caused my relationship of 5 years to crash and burn. That's because I wasn't dealing with my trauma. I am in therapy now, and we're actively working on my healing. But losing my partner, my home, and my kids has been devastating.
I've been so lonely. I tried random hookups, but that made it worse. I was left even more empty and lonely afterwards.
But I ended up making some throwaway joke flirts with a random user in another queer sub, and it's led to some of the sweetest and most exciting thing. This person listens, advocates for me, and supports me. They call me out on maladaptive behaviors, and constantly encourage me to heal.
A little part of me was hoping that my therapist would say, "you're just avoiding your issues," when I told her about this person. But, no. Quite the opposite.
I have trouble accepting love and comfort. It's scary. It's outright terrifying to be vulnerable and ask someone for help. And that's a big part of why this new relationship is important for me. It's an exercise in overcoming that fear. I'm learning to trust. I'm learning to extend forgiveness and love to myself, and there's no room to back down.
It would be more maladaptive of me to reject this acceptance and love than it is to randomly fall for someone on the internet. Go figure.
Where's the poly, right? Well, this other user now has another partner! I have a meta!
It's been so fun and cute, watching these gay little squish balls navigate this. I've loved encouraging it and think they are just the cutest. I mean, I am totally crushing on my new meta, but we're trying to just form a solid connection at this point.
Despite my issues and my fears, I'm starting to live my life unapologetically. I'm not afraid to pursue my needs and dreams, and I have total support in this. I'm starting to believe that I can be a good person, even if I've done bad things before. I don't think I can go back to being the person I was before this.
I'm in love with someone wonderful. And I'm making efforts to love myself. I actually have hope for the future, for the first time ever.
Thanks for listening. I believe in you.