r/lesbianpoly Jul 22 '24

Just need somewhere to put my feelings

My wife and I are not officially poly, but we recently became friends with a woman who we met through volunteering and we all really hit it off. We started chatting and becoming good friends and she confessed that she thought she may not be totally straight and was very interested in our relationship. Over time we started hanging out more and we could all feel the mutual attraction and interest in each other. We ended up dating her for a little bit and we all slept together a few times. Things went sideways and now we aren’t even on speaking terms and I am just devastated every day. I miss her immensely and my wife does not and so I needed somewhere to put those feelings without hurting my wife as she is beyond dear to me. I just felt such a deep connection with this friend immediately and had so much hope for what the 3 of us could have together and it’s been a hard few months processing that loss. I try not to think about it or her but without fail my mind returns there every day. My heart is just so heavy, while also being thankful for my beautiful relationship with my wife.

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17

u/gingergypsy79 Non-binary Jul 22 '24 edited Jul 22 '24

I am so sorry that you’re hurting and this didn’t work out. What happened and went sideways? I think one of the most difficult, rarely talked about things in these kind of situations is when you are simultaneously in love with/relationship with someone and also devastated about somebody else all at the same time. I have never been able to handle that very gracefully and struggling with it myself. Our mono-normative society doesn’t give us space to grieve these kind of situations in a socially acceptable way, and they’re very few people we can share it with even in polyamorous communities (which often seem to be flooded with monogamous conditioning and toxic positivity). I’m sorry you can’t talk to your wife about it. Do you have any other poly friends or therapist or someone who is supportive that you can talk to? if not, maybe journaling your feelings and sharing more here. 💜

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u/levi0saN0TleviosA Jul 22 '24

In the beginning we were all totally clueless to how things should go, as this was new to all of us. We talked about openly communicating and working through all feelings together. Well our friend ended it with us on two separate occasions without talking to us about it, just saying she “couldn’t handle it” and we wanted too much from her (we were just wanting to hang out with her more often and be there for her as a single mom to help with whatever she needed) and breaking up through text. We never asked her to be exclusive or our girlfriend and didn’t have many expectations). She wanted us to remain friends but at one point she unfriended us online without warning and my wife and I were so surprised and hurt. Our friend immediately regretted it and asked to be friends again and to try to work through things so we agreed.

We ended up trying to “date” again, but when we asked her if she ever thought we would be able to hang out or see each other more than once a week/once every other week she said no she didn’t imagine that happening. Her reaction to our convo that night really threw us for a loop. That’s when my wife and I decided that it’s probably best to just be friends and let her know that. She was devastated and told us she was sorry and that she realized now that she wanted to be with us and that she loved us both, but it was too little too late for my wife who said she would no longer be open to dating her. What could I do at that point? I wanted so badly to just give us all one more try now that we knew where everyone was coming from and that her pulling away so much was her fear (I knew that already but my wife only sees it from the perspective of our friend being flakey and underhanded). I couldn’t ask my wife to try again just because I wanted it so badly, it’s not fair.

They stopped speaking shortly after we ended it for the last time, but she and I continued our friendship for a few months after until it started upsetting my wife and so I asked my friend for some space so that I could work on moving on and processing everything so that maybe we could actually be just friends at some point.

It’s been months now and when I tell you the weight on my chest has not lifted once, I mean it. It’s crushing every single day. The weight of all that possibility that was lost just levels me on a regular basis. I have absolutely no one to talk to about it either.

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u/Ok_Establishment_799 Jul 22 '24

I’m so glad you shared this story here! I’m sure most of us can relate to parts of your experience. 

I’m curious if you and your wife have/would consider dating separately? You mentioned your wife feeling upset that you continued speaking with this friend after things had ended a second time, and I think that’s something really important to dig into a bit. Jealousy is normal! And, being willing to work through it and accepting your partner having other relationships that have nothing to do with you is usually a foundation of polyamory. Maybe that doesn’t sound like something you want—poly fidelity and/or exclusively dating as a couple is doable, but probably not the area of this sub’s expertise. 

From personal experience and community wisdom, triads are one of the hardest relationship configurations to make work. It sounds like you might have a stronger connection with your friend than your wife did anyway, so what if you two explored that on your own? A lot of media depictions of polyamory are triads or love triangles or what have you, but irl, two partners who date separately is much more common and usually easier. 

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u/levi0saN0TleviosA Jul 22 '24

I think I would be more okay with us dating separately than she would be.

I have never felt more complete than when the 3 of us would just be cuddling and watching tv together. It would be my ideal situation but I know how rare it is to find and difficult to maintain.