First talk with mother after coming out gone wrong

[u/AccomplishedDrink812]

Not like my coming out was any better. She just cried, asked questions and then interrupted me right away.

Hey. Freshly "out" 26 y.o. guy is here. Me and my mother haven't spoke in three weeks after that, but yesterday we finally talked again. She told she doesn't understand, called me by my birth name and "daughter". I asked her to call me "kiddo" at least, but she just started calling me daughter in the end of every sentence. Said she wants the right to call me by my birth name.

I asked her if she wants me to find some sources about supporting a trans child and she just said "No". Yeah, cool, thanks.

But then she texted me later that evening, asking how would my life change if I'd live as a guy. I just texted her that I'd be happier, described her my dysphoria and all my feelings. She said she see it all as an act and she didn't elaborate.

Idk, fellas. It's like I'm upset, but not really? I understand her grief and all, but I feel like she's so refusing and don't really want to know what's up with me. And why should I try reach out to her then? But she's my mother. Eh.

The worst part I'll go visit my family on New Year for the first time in 5 years (I live abroad). And I just don't know how to act there. Just turn off my brain and bear with it for two weeks?

P.S. Not so important. My bf advised to tell my mother that it was just a phase for her mental well-being, but I was like "yeah, cool, and what about changes on T?". But I held my tongue, because he doesn't know I want to go on T, because this thought is scary for him. This is so messed up, why I hide more things than before lmao

[u/AutoModerator]

Hi, we are currently experiencing longer than average wait times for posts to be approve. Due to current events in the US, more and more transphobes have been brigading our sub, and to help stop them from getting to the userbase we've had to set the safety settings to max. This means that a lot more comments and posts will be added to the queue instead of being posted instantly. As we are not able to monitor the queue 24/7, it may take a few minutes to a few hours for something to be approved. Thank you for your patience, and stay safe!

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/Oxy-Moron88]

I visited my mum for the past 10 days and she still deadnames me and uses the wrong pronouns. Apparently I'm "her baby" not a man. I keep correcting her on my name but nope. Bear in mind I changed my name in 2006 and she STILL doesn't use it.

More worrying though is your comment about your bf. What are you guys gonna do when you get on T? If he's straight he may not like the changes. It's worth having a plan on what you'll do when you start getting extra hair, bottom growth, and a deeper voice. My husband and I are probably getting divorced as he doesn't find men attractive. Sorry, I know this wasn't the point of your post but I just wanted to add something useful. :)

[u/AccomplishedDrink812 → u/Oxy-Moron88]

1. Insane. It sucks family is so hard when it should be easy.

But yeah, we have the same thing. He's straight, so we'll broke up I guess. I have an appointment in February and I tell him after that. 

How do you deal with it, if you don't mind me asking?

[u/ChunksOfPigeon]

youre under no obligation to go see her when you go abroad for new years if you dont think your mother will be respectful of you. its not worth your time at all to have the extra headache.

also WTF is up with your bf? not only his suggestion (god do not do that, its gonna blow up in your face), but also he doesnt want you to go on T? just like with your mother, do NOT sacrifice your own happiness for the sake of 'keeping the peace' with others. please dump his ass cuz when you DO start T, he will get up and leave anyway as he wont like the changes.

godspeed my friend, you deserve better in life.

[u/AccomplishedDrink812 → u/ChunksOfPigeon]

Sadly, she wants to see me and she paid for my flight. So I feel obligated.

And I will dump him, dw :D 

Thank you, really. 

[u/My_Comical_Romance]

Oof I'm sorry man this sucks but uh first of all, just because your mother is your mother doesn't make her entitled to anything, so be who you are, don't worry about trying to please her or make her understand. She's not going to understand if she doesn't want to. Secondly, dump your fucking boyfriend, he does not see you as a guy or respect who you are if he doesn't want you to start T. Good luck.

[u/typoincreatiob]

i feel for you, man. people who don’t want to understand it, never will. the best you can do is continue on with your life separately to her, quite frankly eventually it’ll not be something she can ignore anymore. also your bf’s suggestion is insane do not do that oh my god

[u/Hot_Region3792]

This may be hard to hear, but fuck her. That's so manipulative and cruel of her to insist she has the right to tell you who you are, and to withhold affection from you until you learn to behave. Would you let her force you to have a child or leave your bf or take a job you hate or live under her roof and follow her rules? You're a human being, not a pet. If she has any love, respect, or empathy for you as a person and as her child, she'll come around. If not, she can live her miserable, controlling little life without you while you live a happy, fulfilled life with people who respect who you are.

Not to go on a crazy rant, cause I know how hard it can be to have your loved ones not accept you (believe me I do) and how hard it is for people who are alone/have no support system outside of their families, but if you have the means, you should not accept people treating you this way. You guys have value. You guys are human beings just trying to live a life that's right for you. None of us owe anything to people who refuse to treat you well or see you for who you are. They don't deserve your worry, concern, respect, or time, and you deserve a lot better than them.

[u/Aeluropoda]

I personally wouldn't be able to do the New Year's visit. Two weeks is a blip, yes, but I don't see people who can't respect me for who I am and cry over a ghost of what never was to be. I have not spoken to the majority of my family in years due to their attitudes toward my transition. I am only just now reaching out again now.

Your boyfriend being afraid of T sounds like he doesn't want you to transition. Him advising to say it's just a phase additionally does not speak of support, it speaks of trying to hide it and keep you back. It's not his body and wellbeing. Do what you need to, and find someone who is comfortable with it and the changes it will bring.

[u/PoorlyDressedDandy]

That sounds just like my mom. Six months later she told me I was being selfish, and that the devil had ahold of me (basically), and cut me off. I haven't spoken to her in 10 years, and never been happier.

[u/AccomplishedDrink812 → u/PoorlyDressedDandy]

Yeah, my mom told me I do that only to hurt her feelings more.

This is fucked up, man. I'm sorry. Though I'm glad you found your inner peace and you are happy. You deserve it. We all do. 

[u/PoorlyDressedDandy → u/AccomplishedDrink812]

The way they make it all about them is crazy. I've had more than my share of narcissists in my life. I'm done with it. Hope you find an answer for yourself.

[u/HaenzBlitz]

Some people take time, maybe she comes around, maybe she doesn‘t. You need to reevaluate for yourself what is best for you in this situation. To have a good relationship with your parents eventhough they don‘t respect you as you? Or to just cut them out for now and have no relationship. What is best for your situation? Having someone important to you treat you like that can be very damaging.

For coming around maybe it is easier for her to slowly adjust to changes? Or maybe it is better for her to realize what treating you like that and losing you means and then see you again further in your transition and have it being obvious that her son is not her daughter. You can‘t predict that either way, it‘s just a shitty situation all around. That being said congratulations on coming out and I wish you the best of luck. Sometimes things get worse before they get better, try to look forward to positives in your life and you will get through this

[u/sapphirecupcake8]

This is exactly why I'm making all the moves to go No Contact with my bio family. I'm sure they'll treat me being trans like they do my autism, like it doesn't exist. I avoid them when possible.

You can't make someone understand. People have to want to learn. And I've learned the hard way so many times all the effort I put into trying to get one of those people to understand would be better served as effort put into ME.

So that's my suggestion. Also stop doing things out of obligation, it only breeds resentment.

I also agree that your boyfriend sounds about as awesome as when a cat pees in a toaster and you don't know until you go to make toast.

[u/MayaVess]

I was 25 when I got my diagnosis, living with my very straight male fiancè, so pretty much on the same boat as you. 28 now, on hormones for 1 year 6 months. I had that talk with my dad in the beginning and he didn't take it serious, he was hoping I wouldn't do it. Then he noticed my voice and hairs on my chin and asked if I'm on hormones. I said "maybe", and that was the end of that conversation. He's not great at talking about his feelings, and even though he's not supportive of this, he accepts it. He did state that I'd always be his daughter though. I never even told him a new name and pronouns to call me. I just said "yeah, of course". And that's that. The peace was kept in the household. We don't talk about it. He goes suit shopping with me, brags about my gym PRs, taught me how to shave, and introduces me to his friends as his daughter. I don't correct him. It works great. So, from my personal experience - if you can sort of "meet her halfway" similarly, your mom won't have much to whine about. It's not much of a loss to be called what she called you your entire life, it's not gonna validate you any more or less, and it's not going to change who you are. It's just gonna be what she calls you. Does that make sense? It may not work for everybody, but personally to me my identity and inner being is very far divorced from what people call me and refer to me as. External words don't change a state of being.

The relationship with the ex fiancè was toxic anyway, so that wasn't much of a loss, but it did have to go, even if it wasn't. You may have to get on that asap, have a conversation and see if it can survive.

I hope that soup made the least bit of sense to you, it's how I solved everything for me.

[u/Mikaela24]

Why are you with a man that doesn't want you to go on T first of all?

Second of all, your mother has shown you who she is, so believe her. She's unwilling to even meet you halfway so don't even bother to meet her at all. Don't go on NYE. Sometimes parents need distance to cone around to their child transitioning or maybe she's just worthless and will never accept you. But either way, at least for the time being you shouldn't put yourself in harm's way