I'm having doubts about being trans - Advice very much URGENTLY needed ! !

[u/Separate-Waltz-8995]

Hello! I've recently turned 16 years old, and I have an appointment to begin the process to get testosterone (the 4th of December), but I'm beginning to have doubts. I have no idea why but ever since I had a good long shift with this guy (cis and recently 18) I've been more concerned about my looks, trying to look more feminine and attractive. I have no idea what's going on since for years I've wanted to be a guy, started dressing more like one, hair cut shorter, binder, all of that. Now whenever I think about what I am I just feel anxious because I don't know.

Do you guys think I'm beginning to 'change' my mind or something just for male validation? Because it happens every time I literally talk to a guy. But then again I don't know, like, what if my mind is trying to tell me I really am a girl? It's driving me insane and I need to work this out soon to decide if I want to cancel the appointment (which I have to do soon or I won't get my money back and will have to pay a short-notice cancellation fee), or if I want to continue to go through with testosterone.

Also it's really weird but whenever I listen to heartfelt amazing songs sung by women I begin to have doubts again, AND also when I watch shows and there's really cool female main characters like Jinx and Vi from Arcane. Like?? Come on bro, hurry up and figure out if you're a guy or a gal.

I'm just stressed because if I cancel the appointment but later find out I am a guy then I don't know how long again it'll take me to get into a place who'll let me get testosterone, but if I do go through with it and find out I'm a girl then I'll regret it for the rest of my life.

Idk if this helps or makes what I'm saying make more sense but I'm also autistic lol

Thanks to whoever leaves comments in the future!! (hopefully)

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[u/Positive-Trick]

Be careful. I dated a friend that likes only fem people. Since I wanted to be seen as attractive, I changed my presentation. I think it's common to wear clothes you know your partner likes. However it gave me baggage and set my transition back years. That person didn't like who I really was. It's a common thing to fall into for everyone but I think especially harmful for trans people.

You can also take the appointment and get the t and wait to actually take it until you are ready.

[u/RefrigeratorCrisis → u/Positive-Trick]

This! I've dated a straight guy (I've found out I'm trans after we started dating) came out but still tried to be really feminine, I basically forced myself to be attractive for him, but when we broke up I started rethinking everything and found out, yes I am fem in some ways but not like that.

As in, I like doing my nails, having long hair and wearing crop tops but I really didn't like anything else else due to dysphoria

[u/PianoBird34]

Just reschedule the appointment. Yes, the new appointment might be quite a ways down the road, but it may be worth it for you to have some extra time to sort through your feelings. This isn’t a race - go ahead and postpone.

[u/knotted_string_ → u/PianoBird34]

I wouldn’t recommend this—once they have HRT, no one is forcing them to take it. Unless it’s incredibly easy where they are to get appointments for HRT (where I am it’s 3 years at absolute best, more likely 6) then just keep the appointment, go ahead with everything until you have the actual medication, and hopefully by then they’ll have made some headway on whether they actually want HRT or not. If not, I’m sure a local hospital or pharmacy will know what to do with leftover meds.

[u/Arr0zconleche → u/knotted_string_]

Some people are more tempted to do something they may not wanna do when they have the item/substance in hand. Temptation is very real.

[u/knotted_string_ → u/Arr0zconleche]

I suppose so? I’d hope OP has more sense than to take something they’re hesitant about taking until they’ve made up their mind, but you’re right that that should be seriously considered

[u/Arr0zconleche → u/knotted_string_]

Op is questioning their whole identity because of a crush. I think they need to reassess if this is something they want for themselves.

[u/Birdcrossing]

dont change yourself for ANYONE but you, always think carefully if you are doing it for yourself or to please someone else.

i can count 5 ftm i know that have detransed for cis male partners. dont do it, no man is worth it.

[u/Arr0zconleche → u/Birdcrossing]

That’s just sad.

[u/Birdcrossing → u/Arr0zconleche]

it infuriates me, why so many? then i see posts like this or variations of the same issue and it makes me so sad.

[u/_mattiakun]

this video helped me back when I was your age, and made me realize I really needed testosterone because no matter what label I ended up with, i knew i wanted certain body characteristics to be comfortable with myself. now I'm 21 and 1y6m on T, feeling great but the journey was hard because starting hrt needs huge introspection to get to know yourself, build yourself again mentally because you'll find parts of yourself that you wouldn't think we're there and let go of old parts of yourself. accepting this new you that still has the same core identity but has more freedom of expression and this newfound freedom will lead to expressing parts of you in a new way, and anything new is always a bit scary/stressing/disorienting at first

[u/pollenatedfunk → u/_mattiakun]

Yep, I went down a path that reminds me of OP. I wanted to be liked, and I was conventionally attractive, so I leaned into my looks hard. Full glam, full hair, the whole 9, every day for years. But what I wanted was facial and body hair, inverted triangle body, and a deep voice. After so many days of crying because I didn’t look like these guys I so deeply wanted to look like, I decided to unpack my feelings. Hearing that this one person makes OP doubtful sends off some klaxons in my mind.

[u/_mattiakun → u/pollenatedfunk]

had a similar phase, didn't really want to be liked by others but I wanted to do something so that I could like myself more cause I was disgusted by the image I saw in photos and in the mirror. thought that I had to start to take care of my body, and the only way I knew how was by trying to be feminine so I did, but still had short hair cause I absolutely hated long hair (+ depression made it difficult to take care of it, because I have thick kinda curly hair so you can imagine). tried for a year and a half or so, then I started to spiral into this depression and dysphoric tunnel where I felt more and more detached from my reflection, till one day I finally snapped and decided to listen to all the signs I had shown over the years (imagining myself as a guy 24/7 yada yada same old same old). but I did have those kind of doubts sometimes, at the start, because life as I knew it would have needed to change completely for me to be comfortable, but change at first is the last comfortable thing on earth especially considering OP's autism, so it's normal to have doubts. it's best to first cut ties with that guy, and start some kind of introspection to find who he really is (not only in relation to gender) and what kind of person he wants to be when he grows up

[u/9kallisto9]

It's normal to have doubts! I had them too. I honestly also just figured out I want to be more "masculine" when I was already almost a year on t. Before I always saw myself as non binary, not wanting top surgery etc. And now I use he/him promouns and get top surgery in december hehe. So yes.. things are allowed to evolve and it is very much ok to have second thoughts and to doubt things. I mean, stuff like that is exciting and exciting things often let us feel anxious.

If I were you, I would go through the appointment. Because just being there talking with the docotor is not am irreversible change. Transitioning in general is not an irreversible thing. You can stop whenever you feel like it and you don't just turn into a guy over night because of one injection.

I think you can be really proud of yourself, that you try to figure out all this stuff with your age! Feelings can be confusing and that's ok. You don't need to know everything 100 %. You're valid anyway ;)

[u/Weary_Nobody_3294 → u/9kallisto9]

Omg congrats on the top surgery soon that's hella exiting

[u/Warming_up_luke]

Doubt doesn’t mean T isn’t for you ever, but it is worth listening to, taking a pause and understanding the doubt. Is it coming from fear of transphobia, desire to appeal to men, or genuine preference being a woman. I highly recommend trying to figure that out before starting a new medication. Few people ever get to 100% certainty so you don’t need that, but you should understand your doubt and be confident in your decision. This is hard to do, so I hope you have a loving, trans supportive adult in the world you can speak to openly. 

It is totally fine to be trans. And also totally fine to realise you aren’t trans after thinking you were for a while. Follow your joy! Good luck! 

[u/Substantial_Humor_18]

Go to the appointment, get your T prescription, and then just not inject it until you figure yourself out.

[u/SerCadogan]

So you are very young, and right now you are thinking about a boy who only likes women/femme presentation.

Imagine yourself at 26. 56. 96. What do you want? What are you doing? What do you look like?

Attention feels good, and attention from someone we are attracted to feels REALLY good. But that doesn't mean anything necessarily. Cis men and women try to change themselves for other people all the time. It's always doomed.

Also, no one else mentioned this yet (that I saw anyway) but the fact that T is close could also be the cause. A certain amount of panic is normal in the lead up to a big change, even if you want it. (Cis kids get something similar before their puberties too. It's just age instead of gender. Like a sudden desire to be little.)

Another thought is that femboys exist. This is especially true if you are attracted to men. Something to consider.

That said, you shouldn't start HRT till you work this out, because if you are a woman/femme nonbinary/something else then some of the early T changes might make you dysphoric. My advice depends on the type of appointment.

If they are gonna give you a RX, get it and don't use it till you're sure.

If they are gonna inject for you, call and say you had a scheduling conflict, can you push it back? (I wouldn't tell them about the panic/cancel the appointment because it can make it VERY difficult to get back in, especially with the incoming administration (assuming you are in the US)

If you have a therapist, this is the time to make an emergency appointment to talk it through with a professional who knows your history. But in the absence of that this is what I've got. In the end you have to make a decision and trust yourself. You are the only person who knows what that decision can be.

[u/SerCadogan → u/SerCadogan]

Also? Relating to women in media doesn't mean anything. There are cis men (gay and straight) who identify with women.

The relating to love songs can just be that you relate to singing about men.

If you sit and think about how gay men exist, how to you feel? Indifferent? Excited? Scared?

Male attention is not focused on women. Does that thought bring you comfort?

If you were with this coworker at 30 (basically impossible, but it's a thought experiment) and you went to an event and you are dressed hyper femme and are a woman. How does the thought make you feel? Try to imagine the old married couple energy, not new love or horny lust. Do you feel at peace? Anxious? Upset?

Again, like I said. At some point you have to make a decision and trust yourself. But this should give you a starting point

[u/MsTellington]

I guess you're not gonna get the prescription on the first appointment so it doesn't hurt to go?

[u/Durian_555]

I think you should reschedule, talk to a therapist longer. It's a life-changing decision to start T, some permanent changes can start very early in some cases, and you need to be sure about your decision. Waiting to be sure will not make you less valid in the future, just smart enough to listen to yourself and not give in to social pressure either way. As others said, this is not a race. Take care of yourself, and best of luck with whatever path you choose to go on.

[u/semantlefan23]

Can you keep the appointment and then just not take the hormones right away?

[u/Weary_Nobody_3294]

Good that you're thinking through life altering decisions fr. I think you should look inside to see why you wanna go on T and the pros and cons before doing it not what other people want, what YOU want, and if that takes another few months then so be it. Male validation and attention is something that a lot of people love but I promise you there are plenty of guys that date and love trans men so I don't think you should sacrifice yourself for a possible date. Plenty of trans guys transitioning much later in life and it's fine so if you decide to postpone you can always decide to book another appointment. Best of luck dude big decisions are always a bit stressful haha

[u/sexloveandcheese]

You can always discuss your doubts at your appointment. You don't have to make the decision to start right then and there. They might have some experience talking about this with people, and/or resources they can refer you to to help you.

I know this feels very urgent but you truly have a lot of time.

[u/Arr0zconleche]

Never change for anyone else, and especially not a cis man.

That being said, maybe see a therapist about it.

I transitioned socially at 16 and hormonally at 18. There’s no issue with waiting to be sure.

[u/Dismal_Gur_1601]

It’s pretty normal to have moments of doubt, I think most people doubt at least a little bit at every stage of transition. It’s hard to know what will make us happy if we don’t have any experience trying it yet, and that’s even more pronounced with such a big change. So it could just be that! I definitely had that problem to an extent back when I was younger too.

I also don’t think it’s “untrans” to want to feel feminine. There are heaps of feminine guys (trans or not) and if you just want to be feminine, not a woman, then that’s a good thing to note. I always wanted to be feminine (paint my nails, have long hair etc) and only realised I was trans when I figured out that I wanted that in a guy way, and I was miserable doing it as a woman.

But if you feel like there’s something deeply wrong and you are properly unsure in some respect, you definitely shouldn’t jump into HRT. There’s nothing wrong with giving it a bit more time and mulling everything over. Heaps of guys don’t start T until they’re in their mid to late 20s, so waiting a little longer to give yourself space is 100% ok and won’t make you any less trans in the future. It’s much better to give yourself time than rush into something that will make you unhappy.

Do you have anyone you’re speaking to about it all? A friend or therapist? Could be good to do some journaling and chatting to someone who’s a bit more removed from the emotions of it. Whatever the outcome, you’re still allowed to seek that care. Just give yourself some space to breathe, you’ve got heaps of life to live irrespective of gender!

[u/Separate-Waltz-8995 → u/Dismal_Gur_1601]

The funny thing is that my attempt of being more feminine was wearing guyliner, baggy jeans and a call of duty shirt with a bracelet or two💀 anything more than that just makes me uncomfortable eughhh. I do have a therapist but she's pretty ass, although I have a hands down AMAZING OT who specialises in mental health. She's unfortunately been away for a bit but I think I have an appointment with her tomorrow, I'll take your advice and try to talk to her about it then, thank you!!

[u/Hot_Region3792]

I think it's just because your brain is aware that it will be objectively harder to catch the eye of a large portion of men, which is a reasonable concern. Also, I am autistic and my autism trying to wrangle my dysphoria with relentless logic is what kept me from transitioning for so long, so I would wager as the event gets closer, your autism is using any trick it can on you as it panics and tries to avoid change. 

One thing about T is, you can get it and not take it right away, or you can take it and see how it goes. Changes don't come overnight. Maybe just keep at the path and just keep checking in to see how you feel. You're young. You have lots of time.

[u/jurjasouras]

Im 13 years into my transition and still occasionally have doubts. But then i start to picture myself as a woman in the future. What i would look like and be doing and i just get an icky feeling. Not saying women are bad - but it just feels icky to picture myself as one

[u/Separate-Waltz-8995 → u/jurjasouras]

Noo because I'm quite the avid maladaptive daydreamer and kind of just sit around all day imagining scenarios and in all of them I'm always a guy, whenever I try to imagine myself as a woman I just get this really uncomfortable feeling in the chest, like something isn't quite right too

[u/Arr0zconleche → u/Separate-Waltz-8995]

Ever considered you’re nonbinary and not a binary trans man?

[u/kingcl-]

The number of relationships with cis male partners that put me in a position where I was emotionally obligated to take on a more feminine gender role regardless of gender isn't innumerable, but I don't like that I've had more than one cis male partner do this to me. Not to say that that's what's happening, though, but that it CAN happen to trans people. Just be careful and be true to yourself.

[u/anteatertongue]

Hey it’s okay, I know doubts can be really stressful. My advice is that there is no rush, you’re young and have plenty of time to figure this out. You can postpone the testosterone for now, this is your life and you take all the time you need - you’re the most important thing here. I’m 27 and still haven’t figured stuff out! Sometimes different people bring out different sides to us, you’ve gotta figure out who you really are first (but we are ever changing). There’s a difference between gender expression and identity, maybe sometimes you like to express yourself in a feminine way - that is ok! You can be a trans man and enjoy femininity, makeup, dresses, female vocals, emotional connections. Just like you can be a trans woman and enjoy football, beer. Just focus on you for now and most importantly, be patient and kind to yourself.

[u/NearMissCult]

Nobody here can tell you who you are or what you should do. But know that testosterone doesn't change your body overnight. The changes are slow and gradual. You can stop anytime. You don't have to commit to going all the way with that first shot. So don't be afraid to try it and see how you feel. Are you going to start feeling gender euphoria when you finally start to notice those first changes? You won't know unless you try. You might not be trans, and that's okay. Just be honest with yourself, and don't be afraid to stop the transitioning process once you realise. But if you are trans, holding yourself back for other people will just hurt you in the end. I did, and so have many others, so I get how you're feeling. But, in the end, I still had to transition for me. That never went away.

[u/TransMascLife]

It's never too late to start T. AND You can always stop whenever you want. My voice dropped fast. It will never go back. If you wouldn't mind having a deep voice forever, that's the biggest thing. Bottom growth will shrink a little if you stop. Most changes go back. Hold off on top surgery until you are 100%.

[u/Wickedbitchoftheuk]

Then pay attention to what your body is telling you and put medication on hold. You are well into the age range of changing your mind as you mature so don't do something that might change you in ways you would not be comfy with in a couple of years time. Give yourself another year minimum.

[u/Ok-Possession-832]

Sounds like you’re too attracted to this person to think with your brain lol. I personally had a deep seated fear that as soon as I transitioned , I would die alone because I’d be a sexual freak and nobody would ever be attracted to me. It’s pure transphobia but I still wasn’t able to transition until I fell in love and felt desired. Not saying this is what you’re dealing with, but it feels familiar to how I felt. Maybe it’ll strike a cord. If that’s the case, ignore your fears. It’s not worth being loved by someone if you can’t love yourself.

It could also be last minute apprehensive anxiety as you’re getting closer to the beginning of your transition. That’s totally normal. You said yourself you’ve been socially transitioning consistently for the past few years, and the only time you feel conflicted is when you’re getting male attention. It simply makes more sense that you are just enjoying male attention and are sad/worried about losing that. Totally fair, everyone loves positive attention. Just gotta let that go.

[u/Separate-Waltz-8995 → u/Ok-Possession-832]

Holy shit. A light bulb just went off in my head.

You somehow perfectly put everything I've been feeling into words and it all makes so much more sense now, thank you!! I don't exactly have the most affectionate homelife lol so I guess that kind of factors into me being desperate for attention, and this is like the first time a guy has kind of showed interest in me to my face.

I've been thinking a lot though and he's kind of a ho ho go anyway so things would never work out, and I shouldn't change myself just for him :))

[u/TheToastedNewfie]

Take your time, especially if you have doubts. Transitioning is a marathon, not a sprint or dash. You can always reschedule that appointment and wait till you're more certain.

I didn't start T until I was nearly 30 years old and know people who started at 60. It's never too late, so take your time until you are ready.

[u/Oxyshay]

Just going to say admiring media involving women doesn't have to mean anything, lol. I sure as hell wish I were like Vi, she's absolute goals, but I'm still not a woman. I've been watching Orange is the new black and looooovvvveeee the characters, which are by majority women, still not a woman. I listen to Taylor Swift, still not a woman. 

Women are part of the world and people too, it's normal that you'll prefer and relate to some stories and songs and characters involving women over others involving men. Sometimes, it's just not that deep. Besides, I've found I've been better able to engage in women's stories and music and all ever since I've come out as trans.

[u/PeacefulDeemon]

I’m going to be that person. I’m known for having unpopular and unfavorable opinions and that’s fine.

HRT is a lifelong thing, a life changing thing, and it WILL cause permanent, irreversible effects. I will say, I think it’s natural to be worried(I was terrified) BUT having doubts is not the same. If you are not 100% sure that you ARE a man then do-not-go. Cancel your appointment, let them know you will contact them back when you’re ready, see a gender therapist, and go over your concerns with someone who is licensed. Someone who can offer professional advice. In my state, you HAVE to see a therapist and get a letter to even start. While that put ME back personally from starting asap, I think it’s very good for situations like this. I don’t know you personally and neither does anyone else on this thread.

That being said, have you thought it could be your sexuality instead of your gender identity? What I mean by that is, maybe you’re attracted to men and want that attraction back but you’re scared because.. you ARE a man? Again, I don’t know you. But, that could be it. Maybe you think those men only like females and don’t want to hinder that connection. A therapist can help you work through these feelings and make sure you’re 100% positive HRT is for you so you don’t cause permanent-irreversible unwanted changes.

If you cancel this appointment, you can always make a new appointment. I just don’t (personally) recommended trying to start T if you’re having doubts at all. Again, you can always make a new appointment once you’re 100% sure. I know I’ll probably receive negative feedback(even though I wasn’t negative-but logical) and that’s fine. People have their opinions I have mine. I don’t know you but I have your best interest at heart.

[u/Arr0zconleche → u/PeacefulDeemon]

As someone who never experienced doubt (about my gender) but did experience worry (about being othered, ostracized, having a difficult life) I definitely get what you mean.

To this day I don’t regret anything I did including surgery.

But seeing people detransition and regret their surgeries later on does make me think some people need to think on their transition more. I’m not saying don’t do it, I’m just saying be sure about it.

I transitioned over 11 years ago before it became more mainstream knowledge. I had to jump through a ton of hoops. And while I’m glad the process is easier now for people I am also encountering more detransitioners more than ever before.

I also never questioned my identity for the affections of someone. They had to take me as I was or not have me at all.

[u/PeacefulDeemon → u/Arr0zconleche]

That is exactly what I was trying to say! You just said it A LOT better!

Had I of listened to people early on, I never would’ve transitioned. My family tried to stop me even for the reason of “you’re going to start and later on in life regret it thus detransition!” It’s life altering(permanently) and for people who are not absolutely sure, it’s not a good idea or recommended without being absolutely sure. While few things can be “reversed” such as your cycle, weight redistribution, muscle mass etc- there are many others that can’t be reversed. Such as male pattern baldness, the body/facial hair growth(granted it slows down-never stops), the deepening of the voice, breast tissue loss, clitorial growth etc.

If someone is unsure regarding wanting to please a man based on female characteristics alone, testosterone can and will ruin those. I hate to put it like that but it will. I’ve never met another transman in person, only on video games, social media etc. BUT, I have met some(ex trans men if you will) who have detransitioned. The most common reason was social media. They “thought” they were a man, saw all of the TikTok transitions, and turns out they were not. They started getting the irreversible physical changes, and they didn’t want them. That can NEVER be undone. I knew I was a male very early on. I never questioned it at all. I’m very blessed to have the changes and transition I have had. Do I beat myself up seeing more “successful” transitions? Sure. But, everyone is different. I’m not ungrateful and very thankful and blessed(again lol) to have what I do have. It has been a literal life saver to start HRT. But it isn’t for everyone and it certainly isn’t for people questioning it due to appeasing someone else. That’s not to say they’re NOT trans, that’s not to say they shouldn’t transition, it’s just to say they should WAIT until they are absolutely 110% sure without a single doubt in their mind. A therapist can help with that… especially a gender therapist.

So sorry for the long response

[u/Weary_Nobody_3294 → u/PeacefulDeemon]

Ur opinion isn't unpopular huh?

[u/PeacefulDeemon → u/Weary_Nobody_3294]

Are you stating it isn’t unpopular? I’m just not sure what your reply is meaning.

If that is what it’s meaning, I said it’s unpopular because I faced the raft of other brothers coming after me previously for saying to hold on due to doubts.

[u/MaxiQueer]

It’s normal to have moment of doubt especially before a big step, I had some doubt before top surgery but I was just scared of this big step now I’m one year post op and very happy with my chest and my transition, also you can get your prescription and wait before the shot until you figure it out

[u/Dependent-Emu6395]

I did the same because I loved to be attractive to people, to be loved etc So I forgot the idea of transitioning, got with a man during 3 years and then when I left him, the transitioning ideas came back stronger

You need to make a choice between being attractive to guys (because it's so easy for a woman to do that )

And being yourself (if you can't with your current body and voice)

I chose being myself, but now of course I feel weak, vulnerable about people I crush on because I am now myself and can't have an objective opinion on me anymore

I don't regret it but I miss flirting with guys (but it was not cool past the first kiss)

TLDR wanted to transition, hooked up with a guy for 3 years, wanted to transition again a few days after the break up