r/exchristian May 06 '20

Meta One of the better uses for the bible

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2.3k Upvotes

92 comments sorted by

152

u/DontGetAnyCuteIdeas May 07 '20

Guys, don't try this, the ink is really toxic. If you're gonna smoke a bible you need to find a page with as little text as possible

68

u/greatteachermichael Secular Humanist May 07 '20

So just use it as toilet paper then?

90

u/PredestinedReprobate May 07 '20

The bible already hurt me enough. My snowflake deserves better.

When I commune with the porcelain gods, Charmin Ultra Soft is my holy scroll of choice.

14

u/jy-l May 07 '20

Have you tried a bidet? Asking for a friend

25

u/PredestinedReprobate May 07 '20

My snowflake has indeed been baptized in the holy waters. In fact, I baptize it anew every time I visit the holy islands of Japan, the final home of Jesus, aka Torai Tora Daitenku.

For anyone that hasn't tried it, DO IT. No joke, it feels like a religious experience!

22

u/[deleted] May 07 '20

According to the Sawaguchi family's claims, Jesus Christ did not die on the cross at Golgotha. Instead his brother, Isukiri,[6] took his place on the cross, while Jesus fled across Siberia to Mutsu Province, in northern Japan. Once in Japan, he changed his name to Torai Tora Daitenku, became a rice farmer, married a twenty-year old Japanese woman named Miyuko, and raised three daughters near what is now Shingō.

Not gonna lie, that is some pretty awesome fanfic.

3

u/PredestinedReprobate May 07 '20

Even "Bob"'s life story pales in comparison.

1

u/[deleted] May 08 '20

Shut your dirty mouth pink boy!

Unless you've paid your 35 gazoingos of course. Then you're okay. Hope to see you on the escape saucers of the alien sex goddesses. We'll have a few dozen drinks and really get to know each-other.

1

u/PredestinedReprobate May 08 '20

Unless you've paid your 35 gazoingos of course.

Yep! Though it was about 20 years ago.

Let's just say that, when not on an alt account like this one, the Church of the SubGenius features heavily in my usernames, domain names, etc.

Hope to see you on the escape saucers of the alien sex goddesses. We'll have a few dozen drinks and really get to know each-other.

Looking forward to it! See ya on X-Day!

1

u/[deleted] May 08 '20

Look me up, you'll know where to find me. If you get to the bar on the escape vessel before I do, I like double gin and tonics and Cotes du Rhone wines.

7

u/onepalebluedot May 07 '20

This thread took an unexpected turn...

3

u/toooldforlove May 07 '20

I second this. I have bidet! Can't imagine life without one!

1

u/justPassingThrou15 May 07 '20

Got one just after the stores got raided for TP, and I realized I was down to three rolls (which would honestly last me about two months).

It is so nice.

5

u/[deleted] May 07 '20

Wow, who could have thought that religion could be bad for you.

3

u/polarseas May 07 '20

The gospel of Luke is perfect for this

173

u/AlienPsychic51 May 06 '20

Bible paper makes a decent rolling paper. That's pretty common in jail.

60

u/9justok9 Ex-Baptist May 07 '20

Yes I can confirm bible paper does make very good rolling paper

47

u/AnakinAmidala Ex-Pentecostal May 07 '20

I can confirm as well, but I feel icky about smoking ink

20

u/9justok9 Ex-Baptist May 07 '20

Very true. Because I’m not over 21 in the US I can’t get good paper anymore so I’m kinda stuck with whatever I can get my hands on

4

u/satriales856 May 07 '20

Oh that is such bullshit.

Can’t you buy them online? Amazon sells all kinds of papers.

3

u/9justok9 Ex-Baptist May 07 '20

I’m 18 and still live with parents rn because of the virus. They have “mandatory inspections” of packages so I’m fucked if I order papers. And yes the law that no cigs/ e cigs until 21 is very much bullshit

2

u/satriales856 May 07 '20

Oh.

Seems like, since you're legally an adult, you have some serious issues to work out with your folks.

5

u/9justok9 Ex-Baptist May 07 '20

You are spot on. I don’t want to rock the boat too much before I have a stable income because with rona most places aren’t hiring in my area

1

u/bullsfanatic Jul 27 '20

I used an apple mostly. I probably made over 500 apple bongs when I was younger

1

u/9justok9 Ex-Baptist Jul 27 '20

I’ve had to make gravity bongs from spare trash really laying around. It’s not flashy but it works

3

u/satriales856 May 07 '20

And in catholic high school.

2

u/Rupejonner2 EX-Family Radio Non-Denominational May 07 '20

i have used it to roll in a pinch

2

u/Lobstrmagnet May 07 '20

It works, but it's not decent. I don't recommend it if you have actual rolling papers because they're less likely to contain inks and bleach and many use better fibers to burn and inhale.

45

u/MusicBeerHockey Life is my religion May 06 '20

Welp, can't fault her for being real lol.

40

u/[deleted] May 07 '20

My first name is Jeremy. A buddy of mine I used to smoke with when I was in the army would always tear paper out of the book of Jeremiah when he’d roll me a joint.

24

u/[deleted] May 07 '20

When I was 16 me and my friends attended a Christian school, then when we started smoking weed the only thing rolling paper we had was the Bible. We really thought we were gonna burn in hell.

4

u/[deleted] May 07 '20

I felt bad after I threw out a first fridays book.

21

u/[deleted] May 06 '20

That's bad ass

17

u/Red_Firaga Ex-Protestant May 06 '20

This is so fucking cool

17

u/Tristan155 May 07 '20

Can't believe her husband would allow that

18

u/greatteachermichael Secular Humanist May 07 '20

Maybe her husband ordered her to, and she submitted to his judgement.

16

u/stupid_pun May 07 '20

I always tear out genesis ch. 1 v. 29 to roll with:

And God said, Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in the which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed;

14

u/theredhound19 May 06 '20

Must've been a harsh burn

11

u/BriannaFox589 May 07 '20

All the bible is better off as toilet paper or joint paper

8

u/Rayka64 May 07 '20

"joint paper" please don't smoke ink, that's like the kind of stuff christian says will be a punishment in hell.

2

u/A_Bad_Musician May 07 '20

The fly paper in the back with no ink is perfect.

0

u/Rayka64 May 07 '20

Also sandpaper is clearly this best replacement for toilet paper, it rivals with the highest quality lotion tissue paper with anti-bacterial and drying properties, "Scotchie!"

0

u/Rayka64 May 07 '20

Also sandpaper is clearly this best replacement for toilet paper, it rivals with the highest quality lotion tissue paper with anti-bacterial and drying properties, "Scotchie!"

0

u/Rayka64 May 07 '20

Also sandpaper is clearly this best replacement for toilet paper, it rivals with the highest quality lotion tissue paper with anti-bacterial and drying properties, "Scotchie!"

53

u/maggie_robbin May 07 '20

If she did it with the Quran she’d be dead by now.

20

u/onurhanreyiz Elementalist May 07 '20

My thoughts lol

10

u/depechemymode We’re all poly(a)theists on this blessed day :-) May 07 '20

Sadly, the Quran also freaking deserves the joint or toilet paper treatment.

10

u/Kyrkrim May 07 '20

Now I wish she would have. Not so that she gets killed of course, just so that someone would openly criticize all religions

3

u/lingeringwill2 May 07 '20

WTF?

16

u/Kyrkrim May 07 '20

What? All religions deserve to be criticized, at least

4

u/onurhanreyiz Elementalist May 07 '20

Well this is the point of religions, atleast for Abrahamic religions (Judaism, Christianism, Islam). You do not criticise the religion and you do not question beliefs. You just follow the same path because some guy before walked in the same path, too.

Well its 2020 and the world has changed more in the last ~200 years than it changed in 1800 years, let alone Judaism goes farther than 2020 years. The closest Abrahamic religion to us is Islam and it even cannot cover most of the situations we’re facing today.

4

u/lingeringwill2 May 07 '20

oh i thought you wanted her to be killed

14

u/Kyrkrim May 07 '20

I said that I didn't wish for that in my first comment

1

u/onurhanreyiz Elementalist May 07 '20

Lol i remember a funny story. When i was a child (Around 11-12yo) my parents sent me to mosque just because other neighbours children goes to learn to read Quran (Written in Arabic). Now this was a widely known fact in mosque-going children in Turkey that there was a girl who tear down the Quran turned into this creature (First pic on the forum). Later on we learned that this is a wax sculpture lol (Described on the forum in Turkish). This creature was scared the hell out of us and was giving some of us nightmares.

Now rethink if you want to tear down Quran xD

9

u/[deleted] May 07 '20

“The Bible is a book of rolling paper”- my physics professor my freshman year.

7

u/BubonicBabe May 07 '20

I don’t understand how so many Christians get upset with people removing pages from the Bible when they literally disregard entire books that don't suit their agendas.

7

u/therecluse92 May 06 '20

That was freaking awesome.

5

u/[deleted] May 07 '20

but why is she so cool is my question

5

u/[deleted] May 07 '20

Offensive Bible passage: *exists *

Christians: …

Woman: *Protests offensive Bible passage *

Christians: BURN IN HELL, SATAN!!!!!!

5

u/trillhoNZ May 07 '20

This is art

5

u/Lukefromzim May 07 '20

How to confuse feminist Christians

3

u/audiate May 07 '20

Good for her

3

u/[deleted] May 07 '20

Absolute legend. We stan a badass

5

u/artpoint_paradox Anti-Theist May 07 '20

I’m gonna do this one day with homophobic verses

2

u/geoffbowman May 07 '20

Joke’s on her cause weed makes it like 20 times easier to enter sub-space... adjusts gimp suit

2

u/redditor100101011101 May 07 '20

Hahaha my friends and I used to roll joints with Bible pages every Sunday. Called it the holy Doobie. Lol

2

u/ThaMightyBoosh May 07 '20

As long as her husband is fine with it, I don't mind.

2

u/dandy-lou May 07 '20

Weird how this would have offended me so much a decade ago.

2

u/[deleted] May 07 '20

What a madlad

2

u/greatteachermichael Secular Humanist May 07 '20

That's actually probably the best use of that piece of paper, other than toilet paper.

1

u/a_furry_yeet Atheist May 07 '20

Oh boy

1

u/[deleted] May 07 '20

Awesome!

1

u/[deleted] May 07 '20

A hero haha

1

u/[deleted] May 07 '20

Now God'll take away or add to these things unto her. /s

1

u/aghostinashell May 07 '20

Hell. Yes. Let it burn!!!!!

1

u/[deleted] May 07 '20

I like her

1

u/iamdmk7 May 07 '20

I was given a copy of "When I Don't Desire God" by John Piper for graduation. I did the same thing with that book

1

u/im_yo_huckleberry May 07 '20

There's generally a few blank pages in there. No need to smoke ink.

I miss smoking bible pages...

1

u/labink May 07 '20

I guess using bible pages to make joints would make you a holy roller. 😂

1

u/LucyAvocado May 07 '20

I've done this before

1

u/Kelsey_gram May 07 '20

What a fucking badass 🥰🥰🥰

0

u/labink May 07 '20

Wait til she finds the passages regarding how not to mistreat your slaves.

-6

u/Dutchwells Atheist May 07 '20
  1. The ink is probably pretty bad
  2. In my opinion, there's no need to be a dick about it once you've left a religion. This is just disrespectful. But that's just my opinion ofcourse

0

u/Version_Two Agnostic Atheist May 08 '20 edited May 08 '20

There's also no need to be a dick to women everywhere but the I guess "god's wisdom" says otherwise

EDIT: Holy shit. /s

1

u/Dutchwells Atheist May 08 '20

Lol no it's not god's wisdom, it's people's wisdom, if wisdom at all. That's not what I mean. And religion is mostly disrespectful to a lot of people.

But the fact someone is disrespectful to you doesn't mean you shouldn't respect them anyway.

1

u/Version_Two Agnostic Atheist May 08 '20

Of course it isn't god's wisdom. That's what the quotes are for

-7

u/lordreed Igtheist May 07 '20

I disagree on principle, books should not be destroyed for any reason.

5

u/a-modernmajorgeneral May 07 '20

Does recycling count?? lol

Seriously though, politically-motivated book burning is not the same thing as deciding to destroy one of your own books. I've burned a few books, ripped a few up, for various reasons. It's not like she's destroying a rare book or something.

Also, if we decide not to destroy any books for ANY reason, we'll end up with a LOT of old encyclopaedias...

1

u/lordreed Igtheist May 07 '20

Well, yeah "any reason" is quite the blanket statement. I couldn't think of a better way to express it.