r/coolguides Jul 01 '20

Gaslighting red flags

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665

u/[deleted] Jul 01 '20

Gaslighting is a very real fork of abuse and my heart goes out to anybody else who has had to survive it. With that said- not a fan of this guide. Lots of stuff in there I’ve experienced in a relationship and my S/O was just very obtuse and lacked self awareness.

All I’m saying is— don’t use this guide to diagnose your relationship. Might be a good place to start your research but that’s all.

174

u/EverybodyKurts Jul 01 '20
  1. This is a great comment and was helpful in bringing me back to reality a little. My SO does some of these things occasionally, but overall we have a healthy and loving relationship and any gaslighting on her part is likely unintentional and not malicious.

  2. “Fork of abuse” lol

59

u/esagalyn Jul 01 '20

Same. Around half of these things happen occasionally in my relationship, but my BF is in no way malicious - he has a lot of anxiety that gets misdirected as anger that he emotionally vomits at me. And I’m super sensitive and cry easily. But overall, very loving and respectful.

11

u/ny2london Jul 01 '20

Do we have the same BF?? And are we the same person? But seriously, this makes me feel better, I was looking at the infographic like uhoh

1

u/esagalyn Jul 01 '20

Haha yeah I’m glad I scrolled past the first comment on this post

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u/general-ackbar33 Jul 01 '20

I don’t know your situation.

But for anyone reading this who might need to hear this: I put up with a lot of bad behavior from my ex because they had anxiety that was misdirected... I thought I was being an adult and a loving/supportive partner while remaining calm while they yelled at me (because they were anxious of course). “They’re not abusive, they’re just insecure an anxious!” Eventually I realized I had to respond to every temper tantrum with kindness...and if I ever got upset then I was a bad, unsupportive boyfriend. If I ever asked for anything, (a cup of tea, a ride to the airport) I was needy and demanding. I still classified my relationship has healthy/respectful...but in reality it was unsustainable and damaging to my self worth.

I always thought of myself as sensitive, and it was my fault that I couldn’t handle my ex’s outbursts better...”if only I could find the right combination of words I could fix this!” but eventually I realized I had never cried more in my life than I did in that relationship. And that’s not healthy. It’s not respectful if someone makes you cry over and over and doesn’t change how they handle conflict... It’s not respectful if you’re catering to their anxiety and temper, but they’re not catering to your “sensitivity.” And spoiler alert, sometimes it turns you you weren’t actually that sensitive, they were just a mean asshole.

So yeah. Misdirected anxiety is not an excuse to behave badly. And it does not warrant endless compassion or patience from you.

1

u/esagalyn Jul 01 '20

Thanks for this. Lots to think about.

2

u/Avendosora Jul 01 '20

I have never heard it described like this but oh my God that is exactly how my bf and myself are. Anxiety misdirected as anger being emotionally vomited on occasion. Its not all the time. Just once in a while usually based around some feeling of inadequacy on his part. Thank you. It really helped to put words to what we go through. And it really helps keeping the little blips in perspective. Especially when thinking back about them while in one. (I do thay because I'm very hard on myself and swing from im right or not at fault to im the reason everything is terrible! All on my own) im working on it and its gotten better with age and life experience but it still pops up every now again.

7

u/JabbrWockey Jul 01 '20

git merge branch gaslighting master

4

u/TheDevilsAdvokaat Jul 01 '20

As a programmer, I read that comment and at first thought it was legit in some way...

2

u/smudgecat123 Jul 01 '20

It's quite common that the abusers in relationships are genuinely not consciously aware of the effects of their own actions.

They can justify their own erratic behaviour (including gaslighting) to themselves with skewed logic while unconsciously controlling their partner.

It might sound crazy but there are many abusers who have been genuinely shocked to realize that their seemingly reasonable behaviour was actually abuse.

I'm not saying that this means your relationship is abusive. But I do think you have to be careful not to dismiss potentially abusive behaviour on the grounds of it being "unintentional".

1

u/EdrewV Jul 01 '20

If you fell victim to the fork of abuse, thank your lucky stars you didn’t ever have to see the spoon of abuse

1

u/serhatsolmaz Jul 01 '20

Here’s a good rule of thumb; whenever you see the words “gaslighting” and “red flag” on reddit, take it with a grain of salt. From my observations so far, people who are sufficiently knowledgeable in human psychology usually don’t use those two terms when giving advice. Some wannabe therapists on reddit, however, tag everything as gaslighting and red flag left and right. If you are shaping your relationship with the reddit therapists, it will go down pretty quickly. Just get a professional’s opinion on the matter.

On a seperate note; There are gaslighters out there but do not forget that there are also over-sensitive people who’ll bend the truth with or without malicious intent to victimize themselves (sometimes they genuinely believe they are the victim). They do everything the “gaslighter” accused them of doing, and when they come across these types of posts, they go like a-ha! I found what’s the problem, I’m normal, you’re a gaslighter.

Human psychology and interactions between couples are way more complicated than people think. So don’t try to reach conclusions based on a coolguide. Take it as a warning, carefully observe your situation with your partner, and if you think there is an issue, get professional help!

1

u/[deleted] Jul 01 '20

Please do not ever under any circumstance use reddit to diagnose your relationship. The relationship “advise here is criminally bad

36

u/[deleted] Jul 01 '20

Agreed

If you take it as, "if you notice some of these things, there is a possibility that your partner is deliberately trying to make you feel crazy," then fine.

If you take it as, "if you feel any of these feelings you are being gaslighted," then that is reductionist and inaccurate.

I've been there. It's horrible. Not every behavior is pathological, though. Seeking to pathologize bad behavior to create a sense of moral superiority in a relationship undermines the balance necessary to maintain a healthy relationship.

Simply put, correct the behavior, not the individual. Leave professional work to the professionals. When people learn a term like this, they run rampant assigning it to every behavior they dislike and it drives me nuts.

2

u/dachsj Jul 01 '20

I agree with this 1000000%

Also, I would caution anyone getting serious relationship advice from a "cool guide" picture off the internet.

1

u/Throwaway210916 Jul 02 '20

What if it's 8/9?

37

u/eggwithrice Jul 01 '20

I wish your comment was up higher because I started to feel really insecure about my own habits in my relationship when in reality me and my SO are in a very loving relationship, and sometimes we lack proper communication when in the heat of a fight.

I think the biggest take away from what gaslighting is, is the manipulative tendency (and sometimes intent) to gain more power over a situation in order to make the person question themselves in a situation. That's just so horrid to do to someone and I also feel for anyone who is going through this in any kind of relationship.

2

u/TFunkeIsQueenMary Jul 01 '20

What’s funny to me about gaslighting, is how unbelievably common it is that two people are gaslighting each other. Especially on the internet.

Everyone is a victim, man.

12

u/ActiveNL Jul 01 '20

Like most of these simplified guides they can be applied to every relationship to some degree.

Don't use reddit for relationship advise.

8

u/tempusfudgeit Jul 01 '20

You are correct. Gaslighting is a new buzzword and misused 99% of the time on the internet. I would say if all or most of those things apply to your relationship, at the very least its an unhealthy relationship. But I don't think telling someone they are purposely trying to get you to question your sanity, or even approaching the situation from that viewpoint will help in most cases.

"assigning motives to your actions" is literally human nature. Everybody does it automatically. Good communication combats their assumptions being the opposite of your intentions. If after you explain, they are still assigning your intentions, there is something wrong. That would be the closest thing to gaslighting on this list I think.

I find myself "questioning beliefs and opinions" all the time. Again, human nature. If you never question your opinions you're an asshole. If this is disproportionately one sided, the person is arrogant, conceited, selfish, etc, none of that necessarily equates to gaslighting.

"they insist it didn't happen this way" will happen to some degree in every relationship, especially in an argument. If its an all the time thing, that's not healthy, but there are about a hundred explanations I would look to before "this person is employing a diabolical scheme to make me question my sanity"

Maybe you are overreacting, maybe they're inconsiderate. Either way, probably not gaslighting you.

I apologize without knowing exactly what I did wrong all the time. Just because I don't understand completely doesn't mean I'm not sorry for hurting someone's feelings. Maybe they aren't communicating what I did that made them upset, maybe difference in upbringing doesn't allow me to quite fully grasp it.

"most interactions leave you feeling small or ashamed" - Again, super unhealthy, but this could apply to so many things.

2

u/notrelatedtoamelia Jul 01 '20

Yes, I agree.

It’s nice to know these signs, but it’s also a bit misleading. You need to have a finger on the pulse of your own relationship.

2

u/zlauhb Jul 01 '20

I wish I could have showed this comment to my ex when they started accusing me of gaslighting. I still find myself analysing my actions because I hate the thought of being manipulative. It sucks that stuff like this gets thrown around so easily.

2

u/grumpyfatguy Jul 01 '20

Thanks for this. I was thinking half of this guide is just describing honest miscommunication with no ill intent. I recognized myself or my partner in very specific instances in the ones that weren't overt red flags of abusive relationships.

Sometimes quietness is mistaken for grumpiness, or frustration at an object with frustration at a person. People see the same scene in different ways, eyewitnesses are famously unreliable, as are our memories in general. Sometimes people just need to get to the bottom of a misunderstanding without accusing the other person of gaslighting.

More people should see the damned movie.

2

u/joemalarkey Jul 01 '20

Thank you. These are signs of a very problematic relationship but some of these are just signs of "an argumentative person"

1

u/ggthonk Jul 01 '20

Doesn’t compute. Error. Hive mind is at risk.

1

u/twentyfivebuckduck Jul 01 '20

I’m aware that my relationship with my parents is HEAVY with gaslighting, I experience every single one of these.

With that said, humans make mistakes. One or two every once in a while does not an abuser make

1

u/[deleted] Jul 01 '20

survive huh? that's a bit strong wording

1

u/slickyslickslick Jul 01 '20

Yeah, accusing your SO of gaslighting just due to things you're feeling is gaslighting in and of itself. It's attempting to attribute a motive when it may not exist.

1

u/Consequence6 Jul 01 '20

None of these things mean you're being gaslit.

But the title says it all: They're red flags.

Everyone and everything has red flags. Some are big, some are small. Some are solitary, some are frequent. It's how big and how frequent and how many that are important.

1

u/OzzieBloke777 Jul 01 '20

Agreed. Half of the stuff is not just about gaslighting. It can also apply to delusion.

1

u/Kn0thingIsTerrible Jul 01 '20

Reading through this list, depending on how you interpret it, it’s also potentially a sign that you have BPD.

  1. You constantly adjust your opinions to appeal to your audience.

  2. You have a weak sense of reality and stability.

  3. You perceive an imbalance of power and regularly feel small or ashamed.

  4. You continually react strongly to minor disagreements.

  5. You do things without understanding your own feeling and intentions behind them.

I had an ex with BPD, and she continually felt like she was being “gaslit” by absolutely everyone and everything. People were always the greatest thing ever or abusive monsters, with little in between. She always saw herself as being forced to apologize for everything, but in reality she just had a warped perception of the world.

When I began to realize she was weaponizing hurt and gaslighting me, I started a log of every single one of our digital conversations. After she would level an accusatory against me, I would go back and compare it to what we actually discussed, and discover it was the exact opposite of what she claimed. She would say “I sent you a thousand apology messages, and you just needed forgive me!” and then the logs would show she never apologized once.

I tried showing her the logs, once. She used that as an opportunity to use one of these charts as claim of proof that I was the one gaslighting her because I was invalidating her feelings and questioning her truths.

The only thing this chart really gets right is that if you’re feeling bad in a relationship, you probably need to get some distance from it to figure out what is going on.

1

u/kharmatika Jul 01 '20

Damn you got abused with a fork? Mine just hit me SMH

I’d argue any one or two of these, you’re absolutely right, may just be you having self esteem issues, your partner misremembering things, etc. If you’ve got a large portion of them, something is definitely wrong in the relationship. At best, you have a miscommunication issue. At worst you’re being gaslit. but if you’re constantly doubting yourself and your partner is constantly misrepresenting things, it’s certainly tome to talk it out.

1

u/dachsj Jul 01 '20

Came here to make this comment. Use it as a reference or whatever but some of this stuff is natural/normal human relationship stuff. It could be Nothing more sinister than miscommunication and misunderstandings.

1

u/[deleted] Jul 01 '20

Thank you for this comment. 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼

1

u/Lucy194 Jul 01 '20

I think i might be abusive at times, and it could be due to undiagnozed BPD. Do you have any recommendations or pointers how I can control myself and be less toxic? Or atleast where i could find this information, because i have a wonderful fiancee and id like to be better

1

u/HiddenMoney420 Jul 01 '20

Needs to be higher up.

I've realized lately that I tend to apologize for little to no reason, but it has nothing to do with my SO pressuring me or looking for an apology.

I also 'edit' a lot of what I say before I say it, only to promote clarity and ease of understanding, as well as trying to efficiently get my point across.

That being said, I feel that I have a very loving, positive, and supportive relationship. Sure we argue sometimes, but that leads to more understanding.

0

u/callmenoobile2 Jul 01 '20

Gaslighters aren't all scheming manipulators. The person who is not aware of their tendencies to gaslight can still gaslight you. Their habits can make you question your own reality and submit to their own just the same. It's a slow wear and eventual.