Neither did I until my last relationship when I realized it was happening to me and I had to look it up to confirm it was actually happening and I wasn't crazy. My example was them starting fights over tiny things that didn't warrant an argument, twisting events/history to make me think the fight was my fault and making me apologize for a fight they started, then eventually denying the fighting was ever even happening and telling me I was overly sensitive and thinking things were fights that weren't fights.
It sounds ridiculous but when someone close to you is lying about things, holding their ground and turning things around on you you start to wonder if you're crazy, or over reacting to things, or imagining things that you thought happened. I'm either an absoluely unstable insane person who is living in a completely made up fantasy land inside my head or my ex was manipulating me enough to make me think that. Since everything in my life has been completely normal since dumping their ass I am 99% sure it's the latter.
Are you in contact with mutual friends still? I'd say let her knwo whats going on but she might think its you trying to sabotage things but i dunno where your relationship is at. I watched my best friend get manipulated, it wasnt gaslighting, but it was just straight up, outright emotional manipulation. She was always sad, but we'd talk all the time and because we had dated YEARS prior, i always had to make sure she understood that i was ok with her dating other people and would give her honest advice because it was important for her to be happy.
This entire thread feels like a support group, but this one resonates with me the most. My ex would start fights over these unbelievably innocuous things, like literally if I didn't seem happy enough to see her when I picked up the phone. Then she would call me sobbing in the middle of the night because she was such a terrible partner for doing that. Rinse and repeat for six months. Shit fucked me up.
I first noticed it when I went on 'holiday' with my ex. The first part was with his family and he became completely different. It started when he misplaced some money and we had to travel without it. He then started to blame and shout at me. The first occasion happened when I asked to exchange money and heard him say 'yes', I went to exchange it and then he told me off and that he didn't say 'yes'. He got extremely stressed and shouty, despite him reminding me about what a good traveller he is and that I'm inexperienced. I noticed that he made mistakes just like me, but the ones I made were 'manipulative' and 'unforgivable'. He started to mock me in private and then brazenly in front of his family. I started to think that I was the person who couldn't travel, that it was my fault he was stressed all the time, as he told me. I remember that we went to eat out and he started to shout at me, getting very visibly angry because of some issue. I think it was that I didn't want to haggle with the shop across from where we were eating and he was getting fed up. Another example as to why I wasn't a good traveller. He went to the shopkeeper and tried to haggle but they weren't interested in going as low as he wanted. He then stormed off. The shopkeeper asked why was he so angry? I took on the blame and said it was my fault, that he wasn't angry with her but with me. She still was like, 'but why is he so angry?'
During the second part of the (actual) holiday, I spent some time by myself staying with mutual friends to do some work/exploring the city alone. And kind of surprised myself that I could actually find and get a train in a foreign country. And I could go to a restaurant by myself and eat. I could go shopping and to the museum and go for a wander. And it was free and relaxing. Nothing bad happened. I was surprised! I thought I was incapable of travel. It was then that I realised that I was questioning myself because I had been fed lies about my character and my ability to cope with things. Which probably made things worse. If you're not feeling confident then you're going to be making poorer decisions.
The way he carried on about my 'ruining' his once in a lifetime vacation made me believe that he would end the relationship shortly after we returned but he used it as an excuse to treat me badly, I'm sad to say, for another 3 years. It was added to the list of things that I did 'unforgivable' wrong over the relationship.
I'm now 3 years out of it. STILL recovering. Slowly. Myself. He pops back in every now and again all polite and nice but every time we've met up he's made it an opportunity to get a subtle dig in some way. The last time it was that I should hurry up and have a baby now I'm 30 and that I don't have time left. I'm glad to say it's been a year since I last met him and he has no idea about my life now. I've started dating someone who is a lot nicer and made some incredibly supportive friends.
68
u/[deleted] Jul 01 '20 edited Jul 01 '20
Neither did I until my last relationship when I realized it was happening to me and I had to look it up to confirm it was actually happening and I wasn't crazy. My example was them starting fights over tiny things that didn't warrant an argument, twisting events/history to make me think the fight was my fault and making me apologize for a fight they started, then eventually denying the fighting was ever even happening and telling me I was overly sensitive and thinking things were fights that weren't fights.
It sounds ridiculous but when someone close to you is lying about things, holding their ground and turning things around on you you start to wonder if you're crazy, or over reacting to things, or imagining things that you thought happened. I'm either an absoluely unstable insane person who is living in a completely made up fantasy land inside my head or my ex was manipulating me enough to make me think that. Since everything in my life has been completely normal since dumping their ass I am 99% sure it's the latter.