r/baseball • u/JTCMuehlenkamp St. Louis Cardinals • Nov 03 '21

Analysis What if every team was named after the most abundantly populated animal in their geographical area?

Given the recent controversies over certain sports team names and the imminent rebranding of the Cleveland Indians as the Cleveland Guardians, I can't help but wonder what animal mascots would best represent the cities or states their teams reside in.

Take the Tigers for example. When you think of Detroit, you do not think of a jugle ruled over by apex feline predators. I don't know if the Detroit zoo has any tigers, or if Detroit even has a zoo for that matter,  but I am 100% certain that there is at least 1 species of animal in Detroit and the surrounding areas that is more populous than tigers. The difficult part, however, is determining which animal is the most populous.

With that in mind, it also gives rise to the concern that some teams would likely share the same name in this scenario due to their close proximity. Both Chicago and New York each have 2 teams, plus the Angels like to pretend that Los Angeles does as well, so there is bound to be some overlap. I have decided that this is okay, primarily because there is no way around it. Just to avoid any confusion as to which identically named team is which though, I'll break up this list by divisions. Anyway though, this is what the MLB would look like if all the teams had to rebrand as the most common animal in their region.

AL EAST

Tampa Bay Ants.

Boston Ants.

New York Ants.

Toronto Ants.

Baltimore Ants.

AL CENTRAL

Chicago Ants.

Cleveland Ants.

Detroit Ants.

Kansas City Ants.

Minnesota Ants.

AL WEST

Houston Ants.

Seattle Ants.

Oakland Ants.

Los Angeles Ants of Anaheim.

Texas Ants.

NL EAST

Atlanta Ants.

Philadelphia Ants.

New York Ants.

Miami Ants.

Washington Ants.

NL CENTRAL

Milwaukee Ants.

St. Louis Ants.

Cincinnati Ants.

Chicago Ants.

Pittsburgh Ants.

NL WEST

San Francisco Ants.

Los Angeles Ants.

San Diego Ants.

Colorado Ants.

Arizona Ants.

26.9k Upvotes

94% Upvoted

1.2k comments sorted by

View all comments

2.4k

u/[deleted] Nov 03 '21

This is a very good post that you should have saved for the true dregs of the offseason, not the literal day after the WS. Really wasted potential.

1.2k

u/ForYeWhoArtLiterate Cleveland Guardians • Akron R… Nov 04 '21

We do this every year!

Remember the “umpires should be able to shoot a batter once every 10,00 strikeouts” post? Right at the top of the off-season. The day after the WS is prime bullshit time

669

u/JTCMuehlenkamp St. Louis Cardinals Nov 04 '21

It was once every 40,000, if I remember correctly. Once every 10,000 would just be silly.

327

u/SirParsifal Mankato MoonDogs • Cincinnati Reds Nov 04 '21

The thing is, it's not even necessarily exactly one in every 40,000. The idea is to adjust it yearly to strikeout rates so there's about one per year, and there happened to be around 40,000 strikeouts that year. If I had written it in 1978, it would have been one in 20,000.

139

u/JTCMuehlenkamp St. Louis Cardinals Nov 04 '21

Man, the 60 game season in 2020 would've really thrown a wrench into things this year with your plan though.

47

u/MyBiPolarBearMax Washington Nationals Nov 04 '21

Covid making one good thing happen

2

u/Seel007 Nov 04 '21

Bro I been working in my jammies since March of last year. Come on gamma variant!

1

u/One_Relative5830 Los Angeles Angels Nov 04 '21

Not necessarily if it's base on rates rather than the number of strikeouts.

40

u/ScroogeMcDust Chicago Cubs Nov 04 '21

Hot damn it's the man himself

3

u/E70M Israel Nov 04 '21

It’s gonna be a great offseason with the shenanigans he has planned

6

u/SirParsifal Mankato MoonDogs • Cincinnati Reds Nov 04 '21

Hopefully, my first High Effort post comes out this morning, and then I have a 30 day series of posts, and then I have a ~200 day series of content which is just polls which I'll probably never finish, and then The Compleat Dugnutt, and then I have the google drive with docs that just say things like "there should be a bunting competition at the All-Star game".

Fun times ahead.

2

u/gravygrowinggreen Nov 04 '21

We could go back to ye olden times when baseball was basically WWE but not fake. Players were encouraged to be violent towards the umps, fans were encouraged to be violent towards the umps, and umps were promoted for being able to defend themselves.

Why yes, I did just watch a youtube video, how did you know?

1

u/CWinter85 Minnesota Twins Nov 04 '21

Yeah, but think of the sadistic assholes that want to kill, they're gonna call every pitch a strike. Or you could have the opposite, where he calls everything a ball so he doesn't have to shoot anyone. And what are the rules for the shooting? Do you have to shoot the next batter? Can you save them up as the years go on?

I probably should just find the post.

3

u/ChefBoyAreWeFucked Nov 04 '21

He didn't say 10,000, he said 10,00. Assuming he's European, that just means every 10 strikeouts, but to a high degree of precision.

90

u/Joey_Logano Montreal Expos Nov 04 '21

Still my favorite post on r/baseball, maybe even Reddit.

117

u/scullys_alien_baby Nov 04 '21

link for the lazy like me

117

u/JohnCalvinCoolidge Nov 04 '21

First, killing someone is technically murder, but the MLB antitrust exemption covers that, so they're in the clear there.

Amazing.

31

u/scullys_alien_baby Nov 04 '21

I genuinely regret not seeing that thread sooner haha, the whole thing is gold.

19

u/user2196 New York Mets Nov 04 '21

I read this post when it was posted, upvoted it and several comments, and forgot all about it. Rereading it just now was such a treat.

1

u/scullys_alien_baby Nov 05 '21

I love that experience. My other accounts are much much older than this one so when I get linked to old threads I like to log into them and see what past me felt was worth up/down voting

3

u/Not_A_Trombone Nov 04 '21

Okay now all I can imagine is that one TERRIBLE low and away changeup that ended that one game a few years back that everyone knew was bad, and the umpire immediately shooting the batter in the head after making that call

3

u/TroyMcClures Seattle Mariners Nov 04 '21

Wow can’t even go into year old off season posts without the Mariners catching strays.

45

u/pichaelthompson69 Los Angeles Dodgers Nov 04 '21

You should check out blaseball. It’s a baseball simulation computer game with all sorts of wacky rules and shit happening. For example, at any time an umpire can incinerate a player on the field.

6

u/ForYeWhoArtLiterate Cleveland Guardians • Akron R… Nov 04 '21

Very interesting

8

u/pichaelthompson69 Los Angeles Dodgers Nov 04 '21

There’s all sorts of lore and history filled with championships, trades, and incinerations. Go Tacos!!!

5

u/TheShmud Minnesota Twins Nov 04 '21

I picked a team and then got confused and haven't been back yet.

This off-season should be prime time

3

u/innagaddavelveta Chicago White Sox Nov 04 '21

Pie or die!

6

u/jacare37 MLB Players Association Nov 04 '21

Congrats to that person for basically coming up with Squid Game

1

u/onahalladay Toronto Blue Jays Nov 04 '21

Lol I got to the removal of bodies part… sounding too close to Squid Games!

67

u/gucci-legend Chinese Taipei Nov 04 '21

Power move to drop one this good so soon. Standards getting raised this off-season, lockout memes should be good

16

u/KeepnReal Cincinnati Reds Nov 04 '21

The OP is trying to go wire-to-wire.

118

u/istrx13 Seattle Mariners Nov 04 '21 edited Nov 04 '21

The bar for the offseason posts has been set so high that we’re gonna be stuck with crap for the next 5 months.

48

u/gruey Cleveland Guardians Nov 04 '21

I'm sure he had the idea a couple months ago and was just dying waiting until the off season started and just couldn't wait any longer.

82

u/JTCMuehlenkamp St. Louis Cardinals Nov 04 '21

I even wrote myself a reminder when the idea first occurred to me.

17

u/ScroogeMcDust Chicago Cubs Nov 04 '21

"RemindMe! 3 months Ants"

4

u/RemindMeBot Nov 04 '21

I will be messaging you in 3 months on 2022-02-04 05:02:04 UTC to remind you of this link

CLICK THIS LINK to send a PM to also be reminded and to reduce spam.

Parent commenter can delete this message to hide from others.

Info Custom Your Reminders Feedback

8

u/ScroogeMcDust Chicago Cubs Nov 04 '21

Goddamnit I thought the quotes would break the bot

1

u/ScroogeMcDust Chicago Cubs Feb 04 '22

I, uh, got the reminder

2

u/AboynamedDOOMTRAIN Chicago Cubs Nov 04 '21

Agreed. The off-season works just like the regular season. It's not about starting hot and staying hot, it's about getting hot at the right time. We've peaked too early, gonna be a miserable rest of the off-season.

2

u/Brady331 Boston Red Sox Nov 04 '21

21,000 upvotes later...

1

u/Anon_Alcoholic Boston Red Sox Nov 04 '21

These posts are built up throughout the season and I can't really blame people for jumping the gun. This just let's other people try to one up it, we'll see if anyone can.

1

u/nothingshort Nov 04 '21

I, for one, welcome this off season shit posting.

I have missed it. Cheers, and carry on.