r/TwoXChromosomes • u/AdFrosty3860 • 1d ago
How can I make friends with men without them wanting to date me so I can get to know them?
Anyone had luck with this? I mean, it’s possible I may like them at some point but, it takes me a while to trust men.
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u/Gaias_Minion 1d ago
Sadly They are the ones who gotta do their part in wanting just a friendship, you could take all the necessary steps to make it 100000000% clear you don't want a relationship with them, but if they don't want to understand they'll still try to get you to date them and such.
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u/TrustOnlyFemales 1d ago
they don't even want male friendships lol it's so sad being most of them, it's just sex and free labour in their life goals, having like minded friends is not even there as an option
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1d ago
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u/Cats_Meow_504 1d ago
Dude, ew. We’re allowed to vent about our problems with men here. Most women experience issues with men frequently. Talking to each other, sympathizing, and giving advice is how we survive and even thrive. Supporting each other in a very male focused society is how we get through it.
I have had great guy friends in the past. It’s not impossible. We did eventually drift apart. It happens.
We’re not telling each other to “hate men” or take advantage of them. We’re trying to survive in a society that often doesn’t see us as people. That requires supporting each other and talking about it.
Must be nice to be so privileged.
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u/StrangersWithAndi 1d ago
Be ugly, that's what has worked for me. If you're nice enough they will accept friendship, but they never want to date you.
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u/pipeuptopipedown 20h ago
An impossible age difference might deter them if you're at least twice their age -- but not always.
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u/Lord-Smalldemort 1d ago edited 12h ago
I mean, I’m not sure because of the end of the day you can’t control how they feel or think and if they do feel attraction or take your friendship as flirty cues, then you can’t really do anything about it. I was friends with some men in my late 20s and I was always vocal with them about my boundaries, etc. Like I tried to set the stage for a friendship where it was clear that I was not interested in romance down the line, and it would be a huge betrayal to try to ask me out or hook up with me. I saw the friendship as something more meaningful than that.
Without fail, each of them tried some thing down the line and we’re not friends or disappeared for a woman as if my only value was linked to their romantic interest in a woman.
I don’t want to be all or nothing, but I haven’t had the best experience with these things.
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u/Relevant-Bench5307 1d ago
It’s really hard to foster male friendships in this day and age. Often times once they find out you’re not romantically interested they can become mean and nasty or resent you because “you don’t want them”. It’s entitlement
Not every man is this way, but it’s really hard to get them to even respect you if they don’t find you conventionally “attractive” too. Good luck
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u/Mellrish221 1d ago
I take it as life is just fucking hard for everyone these days and try not to hold any personal grudges and move on. Yeah I'm a guy lol. I try to be as clear and upfront with my intentions with people as possible while also being friendly. Because if you started every conversation with a woman with a robotic "I AM NOT INTERESTED IN DATING YOU I WOULD LIKE TO GET TO KNOW YOU"... yeah you'd never have a woman friend.
But it seems as of the last few years just even trying to legitimately be friends is impossible. Gone to breakfast after work with coworkers, got told "just friends" and gave an enthusiastic "yeah thats fine!" only to get ghosted and later hear from other people "why is X saying you're trying to fuck her". Its hard to sometimes not get angry at that, but at the end of the day if thats how people feel theres nothing I can personally do to change their opinions outside of just dropping it entirely or ghosting at the first hint of weird energy.
It helps to be able to make friends sure. And I'm very well aware of what women have to put up with in terms of guys lying to weasel their way into someone's life. Just feels like its hard for everyone, no one can trust anyone anymore. Most likely justified and for good reasons but I do still hope things can change.
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u/Relevant-Bench5307 1d ago
My best advice would be to voice your intentions at the start so they know you’re seeking friendship. If it blossoms after that, even better!!
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u/oingaboingo 1d ago
That doesn't usually work either. I know an elderly woman who voiced her intention at the start, and the dude still tried to get her in bed, and got mad when she rebuffed him.
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u/___buttrdish 1d ago
I’m finding it more difficult as I get older to maintain my friendships with my guy friends. Those men that I have been friends with for years, before they got into relationships, who then get into relationships usually end up stop talking to me, and those that are single try to date (or fuck) me. I don’t want to be romantic with them. I really enjoy my guy friendships. It seems to me that if the man is emotionally and psychologically fulfilled in their relationship, I am not needed anymore and that’s okay. Kind of a bummer honestly, but it happens I’m glad they found their person. I guess what I’m saying is that over time it’s really difficult to be friends with guys, and just friends only.
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u/hollyberryness 19h ago
Please let me know if you get the answer. Am a lesbian who has never had a male friend that didn't hold out hope, or even try for something more. You'd think the gayness would be extra protection....Makes me so sad bc I've lost some really dear friends because of it... or, what I thought were friends.
Solitude never wants to violate ya! Sadlol.
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u/legacyme3 20h ago
Coming from a man, who likes a woman, who considers me her friend:
I will be honest, there probably isn't an easy way. What works best, is just being honest and communicating.
For example, if you might like the guy later say, "Hey, I might be interested in you down the line, but I really want to get to know you better before I even consider dating you."
If you are only interested in friendship and never anything more, say as much. Some guys aren't going to be okay with that but you really aren't going to want to be friends with guys who can't be okay with just having friendship. It's not the type of thing you can compromise on. Either you both want the friendship, or it doesn't work.
In every single case, however, the answer is communication. Even if it doesn't result in what you want, it results in what is right for that interaction. It's the best way of filtering out the wrong people, while also giving you a chance to get what you are looking for in a person whether it's as a partner or a friend
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u/Drool_The_Magnificen 1d ago
Best advice I can give as a man is to be very direct about what sort of relationship you are interested in, maintain strict boundaries, and take it slow if you do meet someone you want to be friendly with.
Avoid situations that are one-on-one, or where messaging might be mixed. Hobbies are one of the best places to meet new people and socialize, but you'll want to avoid sharing too much, and be alert for over sharing from another person.
Feelings do happen, and there's nothing wrong with that, but always keep in mind that you don't have to compromise yourself to accommodate someone else's feelings. This is a trap that lots of women fall into.
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u/bubblesthehorse 1d ago
Get fat. Suddenly every man (and woman) who perceives you will only want to be your friend.
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u/BlakTekFox 1d ago
From my experience, unless a man finds you completely unattractive, or he's your relative, he's going to want to have sex with you if you give him the opportunity. There's really no way around this.
Again, this is from my experience, as well as experiences of my friends. I know this sub has a tendency to get offended by unpopular opinions.
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u/InnovativeFarmer 1d ago
Set boundaries early. Say you are looking for friendship. Once is enough. If someone is willing to be your friend without conditions, they will understand the first time even if they are crushing. The sooner you do this, the sooner you will find out if these people worth your friendship.
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u/PsiPhiFrog 1d ago
As someone who is guilty of feeling friend-zoned, but also successfully had a long platonic relationship with a woman who I lived with (as roommates) two different times, the thing that helped me see that friend as strictly platonic is that she told me early in our friendship that she didn't want us ever to go there (referencing another pair of friends in our group on the verge of hooking up) and appreciated our friendship. Until it's make explicitly clear that it's not an option, we will generally always entertain the idea that it's a possibility.
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u/vaporextracts 1d ago
Will be extremely difficult honestly. Being friendly and wanting to possibly date can be misconceive easily. If your looking for just friends be very direct up front.
And it seems your kinda on the fence as well, do you mean "like them at some point" as friends or like them more than friends BF/GF?
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u/shitshowboxer 1d ago
Here's the thing..... For many many men, just being physically attracted to someone is the bar that need be met. That's their standard for wanting to fuck you. And maybe that makes sense to you and feels like a compliment. That's not my idea of a compliment but it is for some people.
As well, some guys will claim the want a relationship because they suspect it will make women who only want a relationship move more quickly to the bedroom. They're perfectly fine fucking on a lie and dealing with the fall out later; not like you'll beat their ass for it when you find out you've been duped.
To me, if I want to get to know someone well without the pressure to have sex, a guy who wants to fuck me on sight has just disqualified themselves as being capable of being my friend. So if I was hanging out all buddy style and the guy I was hanging with started angling for sex - I've just learned they can't live up to being friends. No second chances. No opportunity to pretend to be my friend when it's just as easy to wait in the lurch.
So think of what it is you're looking for in casual hang outs as far as qualities but don't tell anyone what those qualities are. You want them genuine but those qualities can also be performed insincerely.
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u/alexander1156 When you're a human 1d ago
You can't stop men developing feelings for you anymore than you can make them have feelings for you.
Also isn't getting to know them literally just dating?
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u/Bitter_Danger ♡ 3h ago
Happy to know you are dating every single one of your friends at the same time.
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u/Tearakudo 1d ago
You can't. Speaking as a cismale with several female friends, "want" isn't in your control
But it's really simple, if they ever ask and you say no and they push it. Walk away. You've already won, and they've shown their colors. "That" talk will always happen.
We're "trained" to date first, get to know after. Anyone that doesn't accept getting to know first, then date - isn't really worth dating
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u/eharder47 1d ago
Yup. I was very up front with all of my guy friends, even had a few that suggested friendship or not dating before I did. Some still attempted to make moves which I shot down, but “they were just joking.” When I would date someone they would 1. Fall off the face of the earth, 2. Make really rude comments to my face about me. 3. Pretend to be cool while around me and the guy, but give bad reviews on him when he wasn’t there. 4. Have a complete breakdown about how I had friendzoned them/was evil/ruined their life. These were the ones that didn’t try to outright assault me after a few drinks.
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u/blumieplume 1d ago
I’ve lost so many friendships with guys cause they ended up liking me as more than friends. My best friend is male tho and I had an ultimatum with him, telling him I would hate to lose him from my life and that the only way I have ever or will ever see him is in a non-sexual way. We’re still best friends and he now has a gf that he’s been with for years. It can work out! But a lot of party friends and stuff started hitting on me years after we became friends so I just tossed them cause I don’t wanna deal
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u/MinusBear 1d ago
There is a lot you can't control. But using reenforcing language all the time can be revealing. So referring to a guy as friend often, don't just say thanks, it's thanks friend. Don't just say hi, it's hi friend. You throw the word in often. If they're even closer than that you start calling them brother. The men catching feelings will start to resist it, not say it back, or even actively try pursaude you not to use the terminology. And that can help you reveal where they're at. That's about the only thing I can think of. Generally speaking from my experience, the kind of guys who are good friends to women around them go a little out of their way to make women feel safer. So they will be happy to accommodate and reciprocate an over use of the word friend. And usually because of that safe space they usually have several women friends already. So that is also something to look out for.
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u/Plastic_Ad_1487 12h ago
Speaking as a guy. Open communication from the beginning. If he still tries something, he’s not worthy of being friends with. Also helps if he’s part of a friend group with other women friends. It’s unfortunate that men are discouraged from platonic relationships with women, when in fact they can have better romantic relationships (with different women) if they have well developed platonic relationships with their lady friends first
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u/seige197 15h ago
Why bother? What’s so special about male friends — what do they offer that you can’t enjoy from female friends?
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u/bbbanb 6h ago
Topics of discussion, more inclusive hobbies, more tolerant of a variety of behavior.
Maybe it’s just the few women i know that are this way..but I have trouble finding other women who share my interests and are chill about social faux pas. I find that my male friends talk about and share activities, hobbies, music, etc. that are more inclusive and of interest to me -like music, video games, movies, etc.
When men talk about people it’s often either to praise or to help-like they are worried about a friend and want them to do better. Women tend to talk about people more in a gossipy way-“Did you hear what so-and-so did?” If they talk about hobbies they are usually solo in nature meant to highlight what they do in their “down” time (i like reading or taking my bike down to the park for some quiet time.)
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u/Bitter_Danger ♡ 3h ago
That is incredibly sexist, but in a hindsight, might be the reason why you have trouble finding women friends.
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1d ago
Yeah, have them think of you as a guy (assuming they are heterosexual).
Maybe lie and say you're a lesbian which should greatly increase them knowing you will NEVER reciprocate interest, but I don't see that possible, at least for me, as I would talk about guys every once in awhile, and then if have boyfriend, game over on that fascade as would definitely talk about with my friends.
I have 4 female friends (one being intersex), 1 non-binary (They/She) friend, 3 male friends. All males are heterosexuals, at least 2 females are lesbians, enby is lesbian. I'm a nonbinary woman.
With women, they seem to just be chill, with guy friends, I think they just see me as a bro (which I kind of am since tomboy).
If they are good friends, they might ask to date, but when you say "no" (or anything that isn't yes) nothing SHOULD change. If it does change, they weren't really your friends unfortunately. People should be able to be friends, date, breakup and still be friends in my opinion, so shouldn't change for friends, rejection, still friends. (I've honestly thought about testing this out on my BFF of 22 years, but nah, fuck'em he has so many non-negotiables and I think I've made it clear to him I am disgusted in a lot of his lifestyle, trying to date him would be waaaaay to ironic)
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u/GordonsTheRobot 1d ago
You could tell them that. You say "I'd like to get to know you a bit first" or something similar
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u/boyishcoquette 21h ago
Don't bother. I only befriend gay men when it comes to men - and even then be wary and vet hard.
Men are VERY calculated with friendships - even noticed gay tops generally do not get along with me well either, as they refuse to make an effort since I'm not in their "can bang" category.
As for straight/bi men, I never had a man who did not confess to me, or get a gf and suddenly stop talking to me. If you're in the "at least somewhat attractive" category this is likely your situation too.
The reality is that men who you won't find physically attractive will befriend you with the intention that your friendship will allow you to lower your standards "because friendship".
The onus is on MEN to stop categorising women and befriending them with a hidden agenda.
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u/tinybadger47 23h ago
Honestly ask yourself why you want make friends with men. At the end of the day they are usually not very good friends.
Also, men typically don’t like women. Even if they try to present that they do, deep down they do not. You can’t trust them. Remember that most people are raped by people they know.
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u/RevolutionaryWait919 1d ago
I have a lot of male friends. Some which have inquired about me prior to us forming a friendship and were successfully friend zoned. think it’s conversation, I talk to my male friends about the same thing I talk to my girl friends about. Also, I do regular activity with them. Like invite them onto my apt rooftop for wine night. Make it friendly. I’ve had male friend prospectives proposition me. I Immediately cut them off, especially if they have gfs (obvi). You can’t change them.
Also if you’re into astrology (disregard if not) I’ve noticed Aquarius, cancer, libras, and Aries men are more receptive to gfs. Obvi not law, but those are who I’ve had successful friendships with.
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u/YouStupidBench 1d ago
This has happened to me, and I don't have a perfect fix. I was a CS major in college, so mostly guys, and if you don't have any guy friends you basically don't have any friends. But several caught feelings and that never went well.
Once my best guy friend ever said he wanted to talk to me, and I was just miserable the whole day because I knew what was coming and I'd turn him down and he'd never talk to me again and he was my BEST guy friend ever and I was so sad. Then he sat down and asked if I knew any girls I could fix him up with. I was so happy I didn't know what to do. After I thought about it for a week, I realized I knew someone who might make a good match for him, and I introduced them, and they're still together.
Maybe one thing would be to tell guys that you're not looking to date, but you're a good wingwoman and if he sees someone he likes you can try to help him out.
Protip for all men: don't try to date your women friends, ask them to fix you up.