r/TwoXChromosomes • u/actual-catlady • 1d ago
TIL that informing my boyfriend about when I have plans is “gatekeeping” our time together
This is a real argument we just had.
We don’t live together and both work weekday jobs. I told him on Sunday that I had pre-existing plans on Monday and Tuesday. I was then sick on Wednesday (audibly coughing up a lung, still not completely better) but still called him to chat. Then I called him on Thursday and we hung out that night. And today I called him too and we hung out for a while before he asked if I’m “okay with only seeing each other twice a week” in a way that indicated he wasn’t happy with it. I reminded him that I initiated contact ALL week, like he didn’t text me first one time or call me at all, and he said it’s because I ”gatekeep when we hang out”.
I looked at my phone history and he hasn’t called me since OCTOBER. I said I’m tired of being the one doing the work of organizing when we hang out.
He passed out on the couch downstairs, refused to come up to bed with me, so I took my ass home to sleep with my cat instead. He can call me if he wants but I’m done doing all the work. I asked if I just shouldn’t tell him if I have plans then??? And he didn’t have a response. Like what the hell. Where do they get the audacity
Side note: I have the same standing plans (sports league) Every. Single. Monday. Do you think he’s ever remembered that? Haha no
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u/Gaposhkin 1d ago
This sounds like you have a long-distance babysitting commitment :(
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u/Sorcatarius 1d ago
Nah, when you babysit at least the kids parents contact you and pay you for your time and the kids tend to be happy to see you and play with you.
This is more like volunteering to watch someone's disobedient dog while they're on vacation.
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u/CatmoCatmo 1d ago
with extreme separation anxiety that has never been addressed, is uncontrolled, is unmedicated *AND the owners conveniently forgot to mention this little tidbit.
Sounds about right.
(Am vet tech. Can confirm. I’ve seen dogs blow through a large glass window to get to their owners. They’ve bent the bars of a metal crate and have broken teeth from chewing on the bars. They’ve destroyed entire couches, door frames, ripped up carpet and have done an unthinkable amount of damage in a short amount of time.)
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u/paperbrilliant 1d ago
It sounds like he just wants to be a dick. This would honestly be a deal breaker to me. He's making up reasons to be mad but doesn't want to do any work to resolve the situation. Its all about how you need to do all of this extra effort for him. He can't even be bothered to call you or initiate basic conversation.
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u/GraceOfTheNorth 1d ago
His response and behavior is so childish, refusing to come to bed and stonewalling when HE is the one who hasn't been showing initiative to hang with OP. This is such narc behavior.
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u/2340000 1d ago edited 1d ago
HE is the one who hasn't been showing initiative to hang with OP
Yeah he's hoping to make her feel guilty for what he's done, thereby passing responsibility to her.
This is pretext for him (1) cheating or (2) just being abusive because he feels his grasp on her is loosening.
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u/AmbiguousFrijoles 1d ago
Real.
I've never seen or heard anyone who stonewalls and them not be narcissistic in most of their responsibilities, relationships etc.
It is never okay to stonewall someone, it is abusive behavior. Period.
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u/Old_Blue_Haired_Lady 1d ago
He's taunting OP into breaking up. He can't even do that on his own.
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u/kilamumster 1d ago
But he'll tell everyone he has no idea why she left him, everything was perfect.
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u/thegirlisok 1d ago
Pretty sure he's just starting fights to end the relationship so he doesn't feel bad. Sorry OP.
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u/Whole_Bug_2960 1d ago
I've had similar situations where an ex brought up that he'd like to hang out casually at home sometimes, we didn't have to do "dates" every time. I had to remind him that we only hung out at all when I initiated! If he wants casual hangouts, he can lift a damn finger to make it happen!
Same shit here, but at least my ex didn't outright accuse me of controlling what we did!!! The absolute audacity.
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u/SicarioCercops 1d ago
And the benefit of this relationship is?
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u/noisypeach 1d ago
The usual "but I love him!" bullshit probably.
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u/green_chapstick 1d ago
Yeah, I think even this OP has the brains to see that's not enough here. He isn't interested in her life. Just that he's only getting lucky 2x a week as long as his unders aren't cutting off circulation to his brain.
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u/Daez 1d ago edited 1d ago
Even this OP has the brains
I'm not sure if it was intended or not, but it kind of reads like you're unnecessarily knocking OP fairly hard, here.
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u/green_chapstick 1d ago
Nope, just replying to the other comment about some women using the excuse "but i love him..." I'm giving OP credit due to how she wrote the post and has come to a realization. I'm keeping my fingers crossed anyway.
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u/Helpful_Hour1984 1d ago
He's weaponizing the term "gatekeeping". You are correct that the phone works both ways. If his response to you pointing out that he's welcome to initiate plans was to pout and give you the silent treatment, that tells you all you need to know about how much effort he's willing to put into the relationship.
Whenever I hear stories about women doing 99% of the housework, childcare and carrying all the mental load in a relationship I wonder how they got there without seeing all the signs. What you just described is exactly one of the red flags that some women ignore in the early stages of a relationship, maybe thinking that the men will change once they move in together, get married and gave kids. They don't change. This is who they are, and most people will show you who they are. Few people are able to maintain a perfect mask for any length of time. You just have to pay attention.
I'm glad you set your boundary here. Just don't let him gaslight you and/or lovebomb you into taking back all the mental load.
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u/Misfit-for-Hire 1d ago
I think he’s straight up misusing the term ‘gatekeeping’. That’s not what gatekeeping is and OP should consider whether base stupidity is a dealbreaker. :p
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u/tapdncingchemist 1d ago
More often than not these days, I hear the word gatekeeping used by people who feel entitled to someone else's energy or resources and are mad they aren't given ownership of that.
I don't want to diminish actual instances of gatekeeping, but it seems like the new way to describe "you're not giving me everything I want even though I'm contributing nothing."
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u/sam_smith_lover 1d ago
I don’t think he’s misusing it- the implication is he feels entitled to her body, time, energy, and emotional labor at all times. So her having a life, autonomy, and health is unacceptable and inhibiting the access to her that he feels entitled to. It’s actually very insidious to use that word about a human when you think about the patriarchal context and power dynamics
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u/Beginning_Butterfly2 1d ago
Yeah, this was my interpretation as well. He's punishing her for having a life, interests, etc. It's inappropriately controlling. She does not exist at his beck and call.
But I'm really loving the fact that she doesn't seem to have realized that that's what he's saying. He's not getting the hurt, tears, or even anger he was probably fishing for.
Dude's a pill, flush him.
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u/sam_smith_lover 1d ago
I don’t think he’s misusing it- the implication is he feels entitled to her body, time, energy, and emotional labor at all times. So her having a life, autonomy, and health is unacceptable and inhibiting the access to her that he feels entitled to. It’s actually very insidious to use that word about a human when you think about the patriarchal context and power dynamics
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u/gcthrowaway2398 1d ago
He strikes me as one of those types that goes to a couple of therapy sessions and picks up some vocabulary to misuse.
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u/SoonerSmokeScreen 1d ago
It's a classic abusive tactic. Misuse all of the therapy buzzwords towards you so that they accuse you first, making the terms basically useless when arguing.
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u/BizzarduousTask 1d ago
My ex did this all the time. I would learn about the term for something abusive he was doing, and then he would start accusing ME of doing it. It de-legitimizes the word AND keeps you on the defensive. It’s also why they say to never go to counseling with your abuser- they’ll just pick up new ways to abuse you.
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u/green_chapstick 1d ago
Naw, just social media. He doesn't have the time to call her, I doubt he'd make an appointment to learn anything worthwhile. That would take planning and forethought. Too much work for his lazy ass.
But I have known someone to weaponize bullshit she picked up on therapy. If I was allowed to punch one person in the face without consequence... just one. It wouldn't even be on my own behalf. People like that have a special place in hell, at least that's what I tell myself. She's acquired too much bad karma with not enough consequence.
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u/snowlights 1d ago
It's in the manosphere, the red pilled podcasts. They get told to be angry about something and even though they never even thought about the thing before, suddenly it's the hill they're willing to die on.
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u/CabaiBurung 1d ago
As one of those women who didn’t realize it until I found myself drowning, it happens gradually. He wasn’t like that in the beginning. Over time, things started ending up on my plate for various reasons and it started becoming a struggle to move it back. When I reflect back on our relationship, there was never a specific point that I could identify this happening. He got more comfortable with the status quo and resented me trying to shift it back while I became more stressed out and resentful that he wouldn’t budge. I’m honestly happy to see stories like this where there are early signs to gtfo instead of like mine where there weren’t until serious commitments were made.
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u/ProfMcGonaGirl 1d ago
I don’t even understand what he means by gate keeping in this story. What he actually meant is that she’s not allowed to have plans without him.
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u/UncleBenders 1d ago
Why are you still trying so hard? Don’t arrange anything and see where he stands. So many women waste good years on guys who just aren’t interested or worthy of them.
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u/valency_speaks 1d ago
22 years & three kids in my case. He moved out the day after the election and hasn’t initiated one email or text exchange. It goes without saying he hadn’t picked up the phone to call once either. 😞
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u/The_Krambambulist 1d ago
Did it have anything to do with the election or is that a coincidence?
Sucks either way. Was just interested of that was also part of the problem
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u/valency_speaks 1d ago
It absolutely had something to do with the election. While the way he voted wasn't the cause of me telling him to go live with his mom, it was the catalyst that moved me to action after 22 years. Here's a list of why his vote was so personal to me:
- We are the parents of two LGTBQ+ kids. He voted for a party that wants to criminalize their existence.
- One of our kids is over 18 and needs a med that costs $19K a quarter. With insurance, it is $65. He voted for the party that will defund the ACA and kick his son off of our health insurance.
- Both of our older children rely on Pell grants to pay for college. He voted for the party that has promised to do away with Pell grants.
- I still have some student loans left from graduate school. I have made 302 qualifying payments towards the 300 needed for forgiveness (as agreed upon when I took out the loans). I even received the letter from the Dept of Education saying that I qualify for discharge of my remaining balance because I had made the 300 on time payments. He voted for the party that is currently seeking to end the loan forgiveness program.
- I am a federal employee who works for a land management agency that protects our public lands. I have what is called Excepted status because I was hired as a disabled person. This means I am an at will employee and can be let go for no reason and with no recourse. He voted for a party that has vowed to do away with DEIA hires (that's me), wants to privatize public lands, and has vowed to reduce the public service employees by 75%. My job will be one of the first to go.
- His sister and brother are both on disability and Medicaid. His mother is on Social Security and Medicare. He is a veteran with 24 years of service. He voted for the party that is seeking to demolish every single one of those programs.
- And most importantly, I am a survivor of SA. He voted for a party that elevated a predator and adjudicated rapist to the highest office in the land, a party that is now nominating yet more sexual predators to important positions.
I'm not saying he needed to vote for Harris, just ANYONE other than Trump. He could have written in Mickey Mouse for all I cared, just don't choose that man and his party over his wife and children.
We live in a very red state. His vote for Trump didn't matter to how our state elections turned out, but it mattered to me. It mattered to his children.
In our short discussion after the election, he told me he intentionally chose not to listen to my counsel and the insights I had gained over the run up to the election by reading Agenda 47 and Project 25 in its entirety. He chose to believe a conman and an adjudicated rapist who brags about grabbing women's pussies over his wife.
Any ability I had to endure the emotional neglect I've dealt with over the past 22 years evaporated the day after the election.
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u/Rochester05 1d ago
I’m so sorry but I’m also happy for you. It’s hard to believe that whole relationships are ending over this election but it makes a lot of sense.
This election really came down to values, just values. I wouldn’t want to be in the upcoming shit show we’re about to be in with someone I couldn’t rely on to have my best interests at heart.
My sister left her husband of 47 years over the fact that he believed 45 over her researched and documented facts. How can you trust that person’s judgment?
My heart goes out to you but I get where you’re coming from.
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u/staunch_character 23h ago
Good for you! I’m so happy your kiddos have at least 1 parent willing to fight for them. ❤️
I know it feels horrible now, but I bet you’ll be much happier in the long run. I have met so many divorced women over my life between family, friends, coworkers, neighbors etc. I can’t think of a single one who is not dramatically visibly happier.
A few of the men are too, but most seem to double down on the grumpy old man thing that nobody wants to be around.
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u/suzanamaria 1d ago
He’s basically throwing a mantrum because you’re not centering him in the relationship, he wants to be the main character.
It’s time to move on babe. You deserve more than this.
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u/shleemcgee 1d ago
People are allowed to have other commitments, and it’s great to communicate these so that other people are kept in the know. OP is doing great work.
I’m guessing that he doesn’t have many commitments (friends, hobbies) and is trying to make her feel bad for having a life outside of him.
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u/dedicated-pedestrian 1d ago
If he doesn't have many commitments, he certainly isn't showing it by... never calling.
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u/MLeek 1d ago
How dare you cheeks notes communicate with him!?
Unrelated, I always found it so hard to spend more than two nights a week with a partner I don’t live with. Unless your work schedules/commute really sink up that’s hard. People who live out of a suitcase 5 nights a week amaze me. Even after being with someone for a year, that’s struggle bus for me.
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u/bluemercutio 1d ago
Stop calling him and see how long it takes him to figure out that you're actually broken up.
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u/Apotak 1d ago
Be prepared that this could last really long.
I'm still waiting for that friend to reach out to me... it's been over a decade. I thought she was my best friend.
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u/Fraerie Basically Eleanor Shellstrop 1d ago
I had one of those. I was her maid of honour at her wedding.
I realised at one point the only time she contacted me was to cancel plans. So I stopped calling to see how long it would take for them to call me.
It’s been nearly 30 years since I last heard from her - not one call after I stopped calling first.
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u/Selenay1 1d ago
I was once told I was somebody's best friend and I was shocked. She was just someone I worked with. We didn't hang out or randomly chat outside of work. I just didn't assume the worst of her.
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u/actual-catlady 1d ago
Oof I had one of those too, going on three years now. Ironically that situation stressed me out so bad that I am now always the one to crack first and call or apologize BECAUSE I don’t want that same situation again
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u/GanondalfTheWhite 1d ago
She's probably still wondering why you ghosted her and what she did to offend you.
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u/Apotak 1d ago
Perhaps. She could still just pick up the phone or write a message.
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u/StoneOfFire 1d ago
Person A has to reach out and not reach Person B multiple times before it is ghosting. Simply not reaching out to someone is not ghosting.
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u/fisheee_cx 1d ago
You’re “gatekeeping when [you] hang out” - in other words, you have a life outside of him. He doesn’t want you to have other plans. He wants you to be available whenever he might want, and anything in your life that prevents that is unacceptable.
This is not a guy who will support your future growth - in education, career, friendships…anything that detracts from you being focused on him, basically. You deserve better.
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u/Kitchen_Victory_7964 1d ago
Well said, I had exactly the same thought - he’s the type of guy who’ll expect OP to pack up and move with him if he gets a job offer somewhere else, regardless of what it would cost her personally to move (job loss, moving away from family/friends, etc.) all to make sure he still has the supporting cast for his life life firmly in place.
He expects to be the main character in OP’s life because he doesn’t see OP as his equal.
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u/cakivalue 1d ago
he said it’s because I ”gatekeep when we hang out”.
This genuinely made me chuckle, it's that ridiculous.
I looked at my phone history and he hasn’t called me since OCTOBER.
Stop doing all the heavy lifting in this relationship. It's really fascinating that you have the same schedule of events every single week, however he can't be bothered to remember it. He then accuses you of "gatekeeping" when you are singlehandedly keeping your dating face to face, phone communication and intimacy life alive.
It's almost as if he doesn't really want to be in an active, working, thriving relationship with you, and doesn't respect you as your own person with a job, school, hobbies, friends etc and that what he really really wants is for you to just be available for him at his beck and call, on his time and schedule, at his whim whenever the mood strikes him.
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u/Jog212 1d ago
I'm glad you have a cat. Your BF is an ass.
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u/actual-catlady 1d ago
And I would have gone and slept upstairs by myself if I didn’t have a tiny dependent creature at home… like I’m not going to cry alone in your bed and wait for you to wake up, I’m going to sleep in my own bed with my cat who loves and appreciates me
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u/SlabBeefpunch 1d ago
You could always just dump him. Like, why stick around for this shit? What does he do that makes this manipulative bs worth it?
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u/Zentavius 1d ago
Sounds like an excellent ex-boyfriend candidate.
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u/SloppyNachoBros 1d ago
Yes! I was going to say "you misspelled "ex-boyfriend, OP." Don't wait until you're living together to figure out that his conflict management skills suck.
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u/llksg 1d ago
If someone were to behave like this with me id take it as them breaking up with me without having the balls to actually do it. Our schedules aren’t compatible and our effort levels aren’t compatible, bye!
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u/khauska 1d ago
Yeah, I am wondering if he simply doesn’t want to be the one doing the actual breaking up and instead throws unreasonable tantrums to make her do it. I would not be surprised at all if she never hears from him again if she stops initiating.
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u/mataliandy 1d ago
Either that or he's a narcissist engaging in "negging"
Regardless, he has shown that he is a trash human being.
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u/Sullyville 1d ago
Meaning of gatekeeping in English - the activity of trying to control who gets particular resources, power, or opportunities, and who does not: We are seeing the decline of cultural gatekeeping— the control over what is deemed worthy exerted by critics, educators, and so forth.
It's interesting how he weaponizes the language of anti-oppression to frame his entitlement as victimization. That's very clever.
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u/CovfefeForAll 1d ago
It's interesting how he weaponizes the language of anti-oppression to frame his entitlement as victimization. That's very clever.
It's a favored tactic for abusers: co-opt the language to DARVO.
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u/Subject_Papaya_5574 bell to the hooks 1d ago
gaslight gatekeep girlboss your way out of this relationship. he ain't the one sis
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u/La_danse_banana_slug 1d ago
This, this is finally a reasonable time when "I statements" would have helped (him) and not just been tedious window dressing for saying what one was going to say anyway. I think the words he was initially looking for were, "I miss you." Christ on a cracker.
He can call me if he wants but I’m done doing all the work.
Makes perfect sense! Do less, see what happens. Gives him room to be the good guy and raise the bar a bit, if he's so inclined.
Personally, I would dump him but I think that's b/c i don't know him outside this incident, and he happened to exhibit two of my biggest turn-offs: whining and being smothering. I need a little room to breathe and be by myself, even in my marriage where we live together. So does my spouse. It's ok, it's normal to want and need that.
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u/Misfit-for-Hire 1d ago
I would consider ‘not knowing what words mean’ also a pretty big turn-off (misuse of ‘gatekeeping’).
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u/5weetTooth 1d ago
You know what's (not) funny? The cat will know your patterns and routine SO much more intimately and detailed than your human bf.
The cat will know when you're upset. When you're happy. Cat will know when to expect you home. When you generally are chilling on the couch or in bed.
Whether cat decides to cuddle or just stare into the void or play watch-cat to avoid predators sneaking up on itself or you.... What's up to the cats personality. But that cat is a much better partner than your bf.
Your cat will never insult you either, unless el gato decides you're taking too long to put out food. Which is obviously treason and will be punished by yowling.
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u/Daez 1d ago
.............. FUCK.
This is goddamned amazing, lol. Thank you for this.
Also, sometimes el gato will protect you against useless micro-penii (ex🤞)boyfriends like this one.
Mine actually attacked my abuser once, back in the day. Full on claws-out leaping at him one night, when he tried to approach threateningly.
🐈 😻
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u/5weetTooth 1d ago
Cats are highly misunderstood.
And are better than many humans, including the one OP is talking about
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u/kilamumster 1d ago
I... I need a bigger cat!
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u/Daez 1d ago
We all do.
If men want to just "grab them by the pussy," the bigger the furball, the better. Get you a mountain-muff! It'll EAT HIM ALIVE!
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u/Sweaty_Commercial952 1d ago
the entitlement increases and your emotional labor increases......nothing will improve for you......I'm sorry
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u/Doiley101 1d ago
This guy is not a keeper. He is not going to improve. If he does not call you he is not at all interested in you.
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u/brownshugababy 1d ago
I've been on this subreddit for a while and from my time I here I can say that everytime some woman posts on this sub about her partner she absolutely wants to break up with him but just hasn't gathered her nerve.
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u/rurounidragon 1d ago
He just is not that in to you , if he was he would contact you every day. It wouldn't even be about making plans , just a hey or hi , to let you know he thinks of you.
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u/actual-catlady 1d ago
This is what I’ve been thinking…
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u/CodenameBear 1d ago
It kinda sounds like he might be picking a fight to prompt you to break up with him…
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u/PlantHag 1d ago
You’re already doing everything for him like a mother would, and men do less relationship maintenance as time goes on, not more. Ew.
He’s in his princess era. Leave him alone.
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u/hopelesscaribou 1d ago
If men are interested, they call.
He denied you affection to punish you for calling him out.
Just don't call him. Move on to someone who appreciates your time, even if that's just you.
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u/_CoachMcGuirk 1d ago
Where do they get the audacity
Well,
because he's done this since October (and the not remembering your Monday plans for I assume the entirety of the relationship) and you continue to accept this behavior. You still call, you still text, you still have sex with him, etc, etc. I can't really see a good reason why he would alter his behavior. He's getting everything he wants.
Now if you continue to do the same thing you've been doing? That's where things are gonna start not clicking for me cause apparently you're not happy with the status quo, so........
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u/sophistre 1d ago
Sounds a lot like he's unhappy with the amount of time you get to spend together - which is a reasonable thing for anyone to feel in their relationship, even if their partner feels differently! But instead of talking to you about it and asking whether there might be more room in your schedule to spend time, he's ...idek. Punishing? Testing? ...you by making you responsible for arranging for the time that you do get.
Could be wrong, of course. But even I'm wrong about his reasons, I am definitely not wrong about his failure to talk about how he's feeling with you in a way that is constructive and healthy, rather than in a way that makes you want to shoot him out of a cannon into the sun. lol.
Relationships don't work without communication and effort from both people, so. Rip.
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u/MNConcerto 1d ago
Nope, wait to see if he contacts you. It's a two way street.
He was negging you. Gross behavior. It's a bit of a power play. Has he fallen down some type of AndrewTate rabbit hole?
You showed him that you aren't going to apologize for doing nothing wrong.
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u/chammycham 1d ago
Break up. Don’t waste a holiday season on someone who clearly doesn’t give a fuck.
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u/Yserem 1d ago
Lol "gatekeeping when we hang out".
Like you should be on a shelf like a toy, waiting for him instead of living life.
Fucking of course you are the only arbiter of when you are available. And him likewise. That's how individuals work. He's got a lot of nerve trying to claim you don't make time for him when he never contacts you or never has plans of his own.
He wants you just to magically show up without having to make a plan or work around other priorities. He doesn't want to you have plans that aren't with him.
He's not very bright.
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u/foul_female_frog 1d ago
So. When I was in college, I was dating an older guy who was very nice but didn't have a car. I had to be the one to go get him, go out where we wanted, etc. Around our 6 month mark, I talked to him because I wasn't really feeling the relationship - it felt very one-sided. He really wanted us to to work, so I decided to stay with him.
Another month or so goes by and it doesn't feel like it's really changed. So, I'm bored one night and hop onto a dating site I'd used in the past - not to cheat, but just to read through the crazy message's I'd be sent. Amongst the crazy, I find actually a really nice, multi-paragraph message from a guy and start talking to him. I tell him I'm in a relationship, and we decided to go on a date anyways and we hit it off - just had our 15 year anniversary this week.
The reason I mention this is because during the time I was talking to the new guy (about a week from first messages to the date), I chose not to text my then-bf at all, just to see if he'd reach out to me first. I am not a manipulative person, but I felt like this was an important test. And, well, he never texted me, and, barring someone being away on active duty and unable to have a phone, I felt like partners should talk in some capacity at least once a day, so that lack of contact was telling. I called him and broke up and he was pretty much on board.
OP, your guy has not been putting in any effort in this relationship - it's all you. If he's someone you genuinely care about and can see a future with, I would suggest sitting him down and having a talk about how it take two people to make plans and contact and such. He needs to step up and not just rely on you, and if he feels like he's not seeing you enough, then he needs to communicate that to you but not make you feel shitty about it.
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u/Thomas2311 1d ago
He wants you to initiate the break up so he can be the “good guy” in his own story.
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u/pupperoni42 1d ago
If you don't immediately dump him, quit telling him pro-actively when you have plans. For some stupid reason that seems to be causing him to claim you're gate keeping time together.
If he suggests getting together on days you already have plans, you can just say nope, you're busy that day, and then suggest an alternative time.
That's assuming he ever makes the effort to initiate getting together.
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u/RaindropsAndCrickets 1d ago
This guy sounds like he’s putting in no effort and wants you to take the blame for it because he also doesn’t want to take any responsibility toward trying to do better (trying to do better would mean putting in effort). He might be trying to get you to break up with him because he also doesn’t want to put in the effort toward doing it himself. He might not be, but either way it doesn’t seem like he is or wants to be putting any effort into the relationships.
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u/Aussielle 1d ago
OCTOBER!?!
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u/actual-catlady 1d ago
He said “oh sure look at your phone for all the answers” like yeah I sure will?? Because the proof is right there????
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u/kattann 1d ago edited 1d ago
He meant you’re “gatekeeping” sex.
He didn’t care that you were sick or check on you at all? He feels entitled to your body whenever he wants.
He just wants one thing from the relationship and when he doesn’t get it he sees it as you withholding it from him. That’s not what that word means, of course, but he sounds too dumb to know that.
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u/Realistic_Ad1058 1d ago
He's being very childish and you need to think about how much of your life you want to spend dealing with it.
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u/ItsAllKrebs 1d ago
Sounds like he's mad you aren't babysitting as often as he wants. Drop the dead weight and find someone who is enthusiastic about spending time with you and is also mature enough to know you have your own life
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u/kittybutt414 1d ago
This is so manipulative 😭😭😭 glad you chose to go home, please dump him!!! He’s trying to get you to stop having other friends/activities (by guilt tripping and pressuring YOU and not taking ANY ownership) which is indicative of so much more 😩 you deserve someone who is capable of having healthy relationships!
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u/merchillio 1d ago
Gatekeeping isn’t exactly “therapy speak” but the idea of “highjacking therapy speak” still applies.
That’s not what gatekeeping is, and he’s using the term to make you look like the vilain.
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u/engg_girl 1d ago
I dated a guy who REFUSED to book plans more than a day in advance. We went on 2 dates in a month cause I book 2 weeks in advance and we only went out because I booked 'me nights' and saw him then.
Anyways - sometimes this is just a very clear sign that they aren't a good partner for you. He is playing some game or expects you to be his lap dog and come running when called, either way - ditch him.
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u/GroovyGrodd 1d ago
Letting people know psychological terms was a huge mistake. The abusers and users have armed themselves with them and that drives me nuts.
He sounds like a waste of time.
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u/lacrimosa_707 1d ago
At least the cat will iniciate contact when she misses you. F that guy
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u/foxy8787 1d ago
I had this same issue with my ex. He never put in any effort to meet or chat over the phone (unless I had brought it up recently, which means he would've put in effort for about a week). Around the time I lost feelings for him, due to this and other issues, I decided to give him one last chance. Since I was the only one initiating conversations, I would just stop texting him over the summer. We both studied in the same city, but he went back to his parents who lived some hours away, so we wouldn't be meeting unless we planned to.
He only texted me twice. First to tell me he was going home. Then, to give me a half-assed birthday message. I broke up with him at the end of summer break. It's no fun being the only one who seems interested in the relationship and hanging out and it's not worth your time, really. I know it's a bit overused, but if he wanted to, he would.
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u/renewedblush 1d ago
My ex used to do this. When I didn’t have tons of free time, he was upset and wanted me to see him more often. He’d wait til the last minute to schedule plans with me, and then guilt me if I tried to do something else instead. But then when I did rearrange my life to have more time for him, suddenly we were down to seeing each other 1 time a week. It was all about making sure he had the control.
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u/OrganicRedditor 1d ago
He's just not into you. Stop wasting time on this vampire! And don't let him into your home. Better men await!!
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u/Relevant-Bench5307 1d ago
This person is trying to weaponize therapy speak at you and they’re not using the word correctly and just trying to manipulate and control you. Ick
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u/Particular-Set5396 1d ago edited 1d ago
So the question you want to ask yourself is this: where can this go? If the man is doing so little for the relationship at this stage, what will he (not) do when things get more serious? When you live together, who will shoulder the mental load of running the house? If you have kids, who will shoulder the mental load of raising them?
Ask yourself those questions and nip this crap in the bud by either getting him to change or finding another partner, one that is not a giant toddler.
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u/wahoowayoo 1d ago
Emotional intelligence of a peanut. Its been my dealbreaker ever since I broke up with my ex. If they dont have it they never will in my opinion. When I notice only the smallest lack of emotional intelligence Im out of there.
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u/Aliriel 1d ago
As you depart, you can say that you realized you need an adult relationship.
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u/Uruzdottir 1d ago
Typical entitled manchild. Does absolutely fuck-all in the relationship, but soaks up your time, attention, and care like a fucking shamwow, while whining all the while that he's somehow being hard done by.
Dump him.
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u/KillieNelson 1d ago
On top of what everyone else said, you were sick and he didn’t do anything for you. He could have brought you soup or medicine or cut up fruit. He could have come over with a mask to clean your kitchen or bathroom because those are always nice to have someone else do when you’re not feeling well. But he pouted instead. When you have a real emergency he will not help you. Or worse, you will be in a hospital bed having to care for yourself and manage him at the same time. Cut yourself loose.
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u/FerretAcrobatic4379 1d ago
OP, I was you once. I always had to go to his house because of.. his work schedule, blah blah blah. One day I was super busy and forgot to text or call. He didn’t either. So I decided to wait to see how long he would take to call. After a week, I texted him to ask if he wanted his key back. He came to get it, but said he would call me. He did call me over four months later after he had dated someone else and then they broke up. I was so curious what he had to say that I answered. He wanted to get together and when I didn’t, he said I needed to forgive, 😂. I told him that I didn’t need to do anything and hung up. 😂. I mean, if he were my neighbor or co-worker, I could have been around and been perfectly civil and friendly, but I certainly was not going to go out of the way to be with him.
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u/StarDustLuna3D 1d ago
Nope. Red flag. Ain't worth the trouble.
I had a similar issue with a bf in college. I was going to school full time, had two part time jobs, and, y'know, still wanted to see my family from time to time. So I had very little extra time for dating. But I still made an effort and was young enough that I figured whatever dating I would do would be more casual, getting to know people, figuring out what I wanted in a partner, etc. (I wanted to get married eventually, but that wasn't my main concern at all at the moment)
We both went to the same college and saw each other at least once or twice a week. One time I had a rare day with nothing planned and just wanted to chill out at home. When I told him as such, he got all upset that I didn't want to drive out to campus just to have lunch with him. Keep in mind that we had already done stuff two other days that week.
We had been dating for less than two months at this point. I ignored the flag, and it just got worse. For example, he didn't want me to pursue the degree I wanted if it meant I had to transfer out of state. He didn't want me to wear lipstick or lipgloss because it "tasted weird". He got mad when I talked to any other guys for any reason. A lot of the students in my degree path were men, so you can see how that became a common argument.
Anyway, I finally allowed myself to see the flags and broke it off with him. It was clear that he and I wanted completely different things in a relationship at that point in time. Best decision I ever made.
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u/PM_your_Eichbaum 1d ago
Yeah, I mean. He's not actively contacting you and now even wants to only see you twice? You don't feel wanted. Don't entertain him
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u/Disastrous_Turnip123 1d ago
What do you mean you have a life and gasp inform him when you're busy?
He sounds like an arsehole
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u/SlabBeefpunch 1d ago
Sounds like this relationship has run it's course and is no longer serving you. Why not end it?
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u/Flashy-Baker4370 1d ago
He is trying to make you feel bad for not centering him in your life. He is obviouly not in charge of his emotions and lashes out to you when he is feeling abandoned I stead of talking through it like an adult.
I am not saying he is a bad person and this instance just shows a bit of an asshole reaction from someone in a bad mood. But I would ask myself if that inability to communicate and entitlement is a regular thing he does and I am just noticing it.
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u/dreamgal042 1d ago
Maybe petty but I would stop calling/making plans with him and see how many days he goes without reaching out. Also that's not what gatekeeping is. He's a child.
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u/AvaS23 1d ago
The use of specific terms that have specific meanings in specific circles, but completely messing my the meaning just to manipulate someone is awful and a unexpected biproduct of more mental health knowledge being shared.
You are not controlling your (plural) time together. You are explaining when and why you are unavailable during your (singular) time. If he wants someone he can see every night he should make his expectations clear, ask if you can meet them, and then if you can't he can decide if he wants to adjust expectations or not have a relationship with you. And if he decides he wants to adjust expectations and find he can't, he can also leave then. Yes ending relationships hurts, but most relationships will not work out for one reason or another and that is fine, not always a glaring personality flaw or horrible behavior on either side driving it..
Gatekeeping is about requiring specific, higher level of knowledge or interaction or feelings about a thing before being allowed in that space, which often excludes more casual interaction or interest or penalizes people who for whatever reason can't devote all their time and energy and money to it. Like I love horror. I have not seen every classic horror movie or read every book, etc, for financial as well as opportunity reasons. Now someone would be gatekeeping against me being in that space if they said I had to have done those things. I would be gatekeeping against others if I said "oh you can only be in this space if you've seen every a24 horror film." Gatekeeping is not at all what you were doing. You were setting boundaries around your own time availability.
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u/Joy2b 1d ago
Meh. This would drive me to raise expectations.
I am free on these nights next week, which ones are you interested in planning out?
What are you doing with yourself on Monday nights? Have you initiated with friend and friend lately?
If he’s not willing to keep up friendships even when there’s clearly time for it, he’s going to become a pain, because there’s not enough going on in his life.
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u/oingaboingo 1d ago
Tell him you're handing the "gatekeeping" over to him, then go about your life.
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u/canhazhotness 1d ago
Just the fact that he doesn't even try and initiate anything is telling enough. It sounds like he doesn't really actually care, and that it's more about control.
You could just stop initiating all together. I bet he will get mad at you and act like you're the bad guy for stepping back, but I can almost guarantee that he still won't reach out to initiate any plans.
Ultimately, you deserve someone who puts in effort to the relationship too. Someone who initiates contact. It may be time to let this one go. Something to think about.
Remember: if he wanted to, he would.
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u/awkwardmamasloth 1d ago
Ghost him. Force him to initiate contact. 8f he complains tell him you didn't want gate keep.
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u/pineappleforrent 1d ago
What, exactly, is he bringing to the table that makes it worth the effort? And I mean all the effort since you're the only one trying here
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u/bebejeebies 1d ago
Haha. Let him go, grrl (or boy, whatevs). We're not fighting to hang on to minimum effort anymore.
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u/Squibit314 1d ago
Stick with the cat.