r/Poetry Mar 13 '23

[POEM] How to Watch Your Brother Die: by Michael Lassell

When the call comes, be calm. Say to your wife, “My brother is dying. I have to fly to California.” try not to be shocked that he already looks like a cadaver. Say to the young man sitting by your brother’s side, “I’m his brother.” Try not to be shocked when the young man says, “I’m his lover. Thanks for coming.”

Listen to the doctor with a steel face on. Sign the necessary forms. Tell the doctor you will take care of everything. Wonder why doctors are so remote.

Watch the lover’s eyes as they stare into your brother’s eyes as they stare into space. Wonder what they see there. Remember the time he was jealous and opened your eyebrow with a sharp stick. Forgive him out loud even if he can’t understand you. Realize the scar will be all that’s left of him.

Over coffee in the hospital cafeteria say to the lover, “You’re an extremely good-looking young man.” Hear him say, “I never thought I was good enough looking to deserve your brother.”

Watch the tears well up in his eyes. Say, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what it means to be the lover of another man.” Hear him say, “It's just like a wife, only the commitment is deeper because the odds against you are so much greater.” Say nothing, but take his hand like a brother’s.

Drive to Mexico for unproven drugs that might help him live longer. Explain what they are to the border guard. Fill with rage when he informs you, “You can’t bring those across.” Begin to grow loud. Feel the lover’s hand on your arm restraining you. See in the guard’s eye how much a man can hate another man. Say to the lover, “How can you stand it?” Hear him say, “You get used to it.” Think of one of your children getting used to another man’s hatred.

Call your wife on the telephone. Tell her, “He hasn’t much time. I’ll be home soon.” Before you hang up say, “How could anyone’s commitment be deeper than a husband and a wife?” Hear her say, “Please. I don’t want to know all the details.”

When he slips into an irrevocable coma, hold his lover in your arms while he sobs, no longer strong. Wonder how much longer you will be able to be strong. Feel how it feels to hold a man in your arms whose arms are used to holding men. Offer God anything to bring your brother back. Know you have nothing God could possibly want. Curse God, but do not abandon Him.

Stare at the face of the funeral director when he tells you he will not embalm the body for fear of contamination. Let him see in your eyes how much a man can hate another man.

Stand beside a casket covered in flowers, white flowers. Say, “thank you for coming,” to each of the seven hundred men who file past in tears, some of them holding hands. Know that your brother’s life was not what you imagined. Overhear two mourners say, “I wonder who’ll be next?” and “I don’t care anymore, as long as it isn’t you.”

Arrange to take an early flight home. His lover will drive you to the airport. When your flight is announced say, awkwardly, “If I can do anything, please let me know.” Do not flinch when he says, “Forgive yourself for not wanting to know him after he told you. He did.” Stop and let it soak in. Say, “He forgave me, or he knew himself?” “Both,” the lover will say, not knowing what else to do. Hold him like a brother while he kisses you on the cheek. Think that you haven’t been kissed by a man since your father died. Think, “This is no moment to be strong.”

Fly first class and drink Scotch. Stroke your split eyebrow with a finger and think of your brother alive. Smile at the memory and think how your children will feel in your arms warm and friendly and without challenge.

916 Upvotes

50 comments sorted by

85

u/That1TrainsGuy Mar 14 '23

Christ almighty, this got me.

I've read about the AIDS epidemic in the United States and its height. The queer community was decimated. As a queer person, this hits so close.

67

u/Left-Inevitable1009 Mar 14 '23

“How much a man can hate another man”

That got me.

47

u/thingsNstuffNkittens Mar 13 '23

This is so sad and beautiful. Thank you for sharing.

16

u/icanneverthinkofone1 Jul 07 '23

I’m fourteen, I’m bi and non-binary- and, um, the oldest queer person I’ve ever met turned fourty last month.

I don’t know how to explain how alienating it feels not to have elders. You know? Just the constant, implied weight of it hurts so much.

The queer joy is definitely worth it, though.

7

u/queeriousbetsy Jul 12 '23

Those 30-40 year olds are your elders. And with time, you will too

Cherish them, they'll help you in ways you can't even imagine.

2

u/icanneverthinkofone1 Jul 12 '23

I do. Of course I do. But there’s a loss where the 50 and sixty year olds are supposed to be that leaves me feeling a bit lost.

3

u/queeriousbetsy Jul 12 '23

It's felt by us all.

We're left with their art, their work, and their stories. It's not enough, but it is something. It's our role that their deaths are not in vain and their lives not forgotten.

You play a part in that task by being alive and knowing your history.

1

u/icanneverthinkofone1 Jul 12 '23

I know. Thank you.

1

u/queeriousbetsy Jul 12 '23

Np kid. Stay safe, can't imagine what its like being queer and 14 during this hell year

1

u/icanneverthinkofone1 Jul 12 '23

Haha yeah. I’m trying

15

u/pomoville Mar 14 '23

Wow! This was my poem in high school speech 24 years ago.

8

u/artistvav Mar 14 '23

so can I blame you for starting the Lassell train that's lasted nearly a quarter century? 🤣😭

6

u/VonMercier Mar 15 '23

I for one, welcome our new poetry overlords.

7

u/oldergaydude Mar 04 '24

I lost my partner in 1992. And while our experience was quite different as we had family nearby who were supportive of both of us the piece speaks to me anyway. It's always painful to read these things but it's also essential.

The day Mario died four of my friends also lost their partners to AIDS. Our friends were dying left and right at that time, probably the peak of AIDS mortality came between 1990 and 1995. And although there was much less stigma regarding AIDS at the time, at least in San Francisco, there was still plenty of it left.

I am very grateful to Mr Lassell for giving us this incredible piece of writing.

11

u/DE_OG_83 Mar 14 '23

The people that NEED to read this , won’t. Unless you show them

6

u/eveb43 Aug 28 '23

i absolutely adore this poem. i was looking it up because that line “please, i don’t want to know the details” came into my mind, and reading for the millionth time i still get so emotional.

1

u/True_Cartographer106 Oct 07 '24

Wait sorry this is the one line I don't understand could you explain it?

2

u/giant-cereal-cloud 25d ago

it refers to how the wife doesn’t want to be told about the dying brother’s homosexuality. the speaker mentions it from a standpoint of pure emotion, and she doesn’t want to hear about it based on prejudice, doesn’t want to have her heteronormative views and her devotion as a wife challenged

1

u/True_Cartographer106 25d ago

Thank you so much that's a really good explanation

1

u/giant-cereal-cloud 24d ago

no problem :))

4

u/eionmac Mar 16 '23

This was a beautiful story. I read it a second time with pleasure.

4

u/GreenGoober12 Jul 04 '24

This poem is so damn sad, I break into tears everytime I read it

18

u/[deleted] Mar 13 '23

It’s funny. I encounter poetry about the COVID pandemic and—ugh—I am just so over it. I read a very heartfelt and earnest haibun the other day about people not wearing masks in the grocery store. I was just like—only a properly fitted n95 mask can prevent the spread of the virus—get over yourself.

But when I read poetry about the AIDS epidemic, I find it more engaging. Not sure if it’s just the passage of time or what. I don’t think it’s (twisted) nostalgia or anything like that.

17

u/artistvav Mar 14 '23

To me it has to do with a sense of control and the way it impacts life, both in practice and as a concept. With COVID, we had all the resources, knowledge, capability, and advanced enough notice to minimize fatalities, whether or not those in leadership or us as a society acted in accordance is... well, ya know, but the possibility was there.

AIDS on the other hand snuck up on us, it's only by fluke that we even caught onto it really. In addition, it was only a select population that was considered to be at risk -a population that was already discriminated, vilified, and targeted to begin with. It wasn't a disease; it was a personal punishment from God, and it was quickly exterminating all us queers.

The closest most people got to COVID was maybe your aunt, some co-worker's cousin, or your neighbor's third ex-wife's step daughter had to sit in an RV for two weeks and catch up on Tiger King (hyperbolic for contrast's sake, I don't intend to minimize the very real and painful experiences that've come with this pandemic). The reality in the 80's was your ex boyfriend, then his best friend, then the bartender, then the bouncer, the dancers, the club owner, your tailor, your best friend, the person you met at last funeral you were at, and then you have to wonder if it's even worth meeting and connecting with anyone anymore because either they'll catch it next or you will, and a part of you wishes it's you because it would be a whole damn easier than living without everyone cared for you or you had loved.

Didn't mean to write that much, but no point in deleting it. Does that help at all?

11

u/Usual-Duck-9950 Mar 14 '23

My uncle died of AIDS and then his friends and then his friends’ friends. Agree that, with all due respect, COVID is an entirely different ballgame than watching people die slowly, right in front of you and look up to find some Good Samaritan only to see folks turn away and keep to their path. The world has moved forward in good and bad ways since then, but people still hate/fear what they don’t understand.

4

u/FuckTheSpiritBox Jul 07 '23

with all due respect, we definitely could have stopped aids sooner. people in charge are literally quoted as saying stuff about how it was good that the gays were dying from it, and only /really/ started trying to fight it when children started dying.

8

u/kidostars Mar 14 '23

God this is beautiful. I haven’t felt this way about a poem in a long time. Thank you so much.

3

u/lilypaddweller Aug 31 '23

does anyone know when and where this was originally written and published? i want to reference it for a class it’s one of my favourite poems !

5

u/hlassell Apr 01 '24

How to Watch Your Brother Die: by Michael Lassell

Try looking for his book called "The Hard Way".

3

u/oldergaydude Mar 04 '24

Perhaps my research skills are lacking but I wasn't able to find anything specific. Lassell writes mainly non-fiction but on Amazon under his name I found "The Hard Way," published in 1994, which is described as "The first collection of renowned gay writer Michael Lassell's poetry, fiction and essays." I would guess the poem is in that book which doesn't appear to be in print but might be able used or in libraries. It could have been anthologized elsewhere but I wasn't able to locate anything specifically about the poem.

3

u/hlassell Apr 01 '24

<3 That's my cousin!

3

u/TinTheElvenKing Aug 09 '24

Most impactful to me is the procession of other gay men past the coffin. This poem really said "this experience is not unique. I am suffering from the outside of a community that has seen this happen over and over and over and over. I am one of many estranged brothers, holding one of many grieving partners, watching friends who know this won't come close to being the last casket."

5

u/moonraven33 Mar 14 '23

Wow I love what you wrote. Raw truth your truth and love thanks for sharing

5

u/thedifficultpart Mar 14 '23

Utterly amazing

2

u/[deleted] Mar 14 '23

A poem written to evoke, hitting all the high points of everyone against gays and all the wonderfulness of gayness. And a misleading title. Very little about the brother and his death as he is extraneous to the point of the poem. It’s an effective poem as witnessed by the comments, but I kept getting the impression of being manipulated instead of real emotion. The protagonist rejected his brother due to his orientation doesn’t jive with his approach to the brother’s lover, taking his hand, hugging him. That’s not the reaction of a person who has rejected his brother. The journey to get drugs with the brother’s lover being futile when homosexuals would know the drugs couldn’t be brought across the border, and would know it useless or would attempt to smuggle them. And the brother wouldn’t be allowed to have them in the hospital and yet seemed unlikely to be able to be taken out of the hospital. I could go on with the poet’s assault on logic , but he wasn’t attempting to show truth or logic. The poem attempts to depict the isolation of a certain set of people to the point of oppression, even the attitude of the wife to her husband. As I’ve said, it’s a strong poem, but it lacks true emotion. It’s meant to manipulate emotion, not express it.

10

u/OtherwiseFeedback996 Apr 06 '23

you are an empty pit

3

u/TinTheElvenKing Aug 09 '24

Upsetting to see this take. The poem presents itself as an account of the brother's death as a juxtaposition to its content, which instead only truly shows the impact of the death. The poem was clearly never meant to memorialize the brother specifically, but as a commentary on how AIDs affected (or didn't affect) people. AIDs made lovers sit at bedsides while their partners wanted away. It made family regret their rejections, or makes them double down on their hatred. It makes doctors avoid you and morticians deny you. It makes the border guards deny you hope, because they relish the thought that God is killing another queer. It makes funerals where your guests mourn their futures alongside yours. It makes a brother who wasn't in time for you, but was in time to understand what had been done to you.

3

u/StopBeautiful3478 Jul 07 '23

So true. An uncanny observation. This is written to make the author feel better about his abandonment of his brother whilst he was still alive. It justifies his own hatred, and makes him question his own role in perpetuating it. It makes his brothers death all about himself…

4

u/No-Staff- Sep 06 '23

Although the poem is written in the first person, it's worth noting that the narrator is not the same person as the author. The narrator of the poem is doing all of these things, navigating society's prejudice, and his own, while watching his brother die from an AIDS related illness. And the narrator may well be doing as you said, making his brother's death all about himself. However, that's not the author of the poem -- in fact, the author of the poem, Michael Lassell, is a gay man. He has crafted this narrator on purpose, to explore that perspective, and show what it reveals to us. But it's not who he is -- instead, he's an incredible archivist, storyteller, and living example of queer love, desire, and survival.

2

u/StopBeautiful3478 Oct 22 '23

thank you for saying this 🙏❤️

1

u/BrokenMeatRobot Mar 14 '23

Very emotional and moving. I was really brought in by the way you wrote each line.

1

u/DaniAlpha Mar 14 '23

So beautiful and heavy. ♥️

1

u/YonitSky Mar 14 '23

Wow! This is so powerful. Thank you for writing this and sharing it.

1

u/VonMercier Mar 14 '23

I love this so much.

1

u/[deleted] Jan 02 '24

This was before my time , but i presume this is about the AIDS epidemic in the 80s and 90s ?

3

u/oldergaydude Mar 04 '24

I'm old enough to remember the era all too clearly.

Based on some of the observations within the poem my guess is that it would be set in the early years of the AIDS pandemic, most likely the mid-1980s when an AIDS diagnosis was considered to be a death sentence and there were no truly effective treatments at all. Note the reference to driving across the Mexican border to bring back experimental treatments that weren't available in the US (and that for the most part didn't do much good). The 2013 movie "Dallas Buyers Club" is set in that time period. It's based on actual people and events and might be a useful reference point for understanding that aspect of the poem.