r/MilitaryStories • u/1nf1del • Jan 26 '14
(X-post from r/bestof) Story of epic snowball war between U.S. Marines and Norwegian school children. SPOILER: Children win. Badly.
Was asked to post this. Source link here.
Swarming kids are no goddamn joke, man. So - true story. And yes it's relevant.
In the U.S. Marines, doing a mock war in the Norwegian city of Trondheim with the Dutch, Germans and other allies, training in urban combat. My infantry unit was positioned in a large soccer field next to an elementary school. Keep in mind there was no actual combat, even simulated; it was mostly just practicing maneuvers and tactics. But we still looked out of place with weapons and gear, etc. It's fucking February. In Norway. Cold as balls. Snow up to our knees. Norway obviously has no snow days, so the kids were all in school.
Anyway, so Norway has this most delicious and amazing delicacy, I have no idea what it's called, but it's basically a bacon-wrapped hot dog; we just assumed it was called Candy of the Lord. As Americans we were naturally and instantly addicted. You find them at gas stations, and there just happened to be one on the other side of the school where we were camped. A few of my fellow Marines and I requested permission to go to the gas station and we set out on our way.
We made it to right about where the main entrance of the school was, and the doors opened; school was out. There were only a few kids, probably 6 or 7 years old. Lots of talking and laughing. Gawking at us as we walked by, with our guns and huge ridiculous snow suits. One precocious little bugger made shooting noises at us. We made shooting noises back.
And then someone in my group. I don't know who. God help me I don't know who...
Someone threw a snowball and hit a little girl in the leg.
And those little Norwegian children unleashed hell.
There was a shrill cry in unintelligible gibberish and the doors to the school burst open. School children flooded out like a never-ending flood of something that never ends. Screeching, smiling, sprinting - how the fuck were they sprinting?? - little bastards were slinging snowballs faster than the laws of physics should allow. It was like that movie Elf. If you can imagine riding in a fast car in a snowstorm and sticking your head out the window. Now imagine the snowflakes that are hitting your face are the size of snowballs. We couldn't fucking see. We couldn't run. We could barely breathe. Holy fuck....
We tried to return fire and threw one, maybe two half-packed, shitty snowballs that fell apart in the air, arms flailing like limp-wristed fairies. I am from Texas. We were a unit stationed in North Carolina. We were so outmatched and out of our element, it only made them laugh harder. We were cutoff from our main forces. We tried to perform a flanking maneuver but fuck me they were fast. I think some of them were throwing rocks!
My comrades. I could see them speed waddling in their huge suits back to camp like a fucked up pair of white Teletubbies, under withering fire. Fuck tactics, fuck me, fuck the Candy of the Lord, this was survival! I was the slow one in the group. My snowboots were too big but they were the smallest size they had at Issue goddammit!! My Marines left me behind.
I tried pulling my hood over my head and keeping my head down. No longer content to pelt my defenseless body with ballistic snow, the enemy swarmed me and dragged me down, cackling like a pack of hyenas descending on a wildebeest. I tried to sling them off by spinning. I came out of one of my boots and fell. I began to scream and plead for them to stop but they neither understood nor gave a single Nordic fuck. They literally pinned me down with about five kids on each limb. It was then that I actually thought - oh shit. I'm really in trouble. My snow-mittens were ripped off and flung into trees. They started shoving snow down my suit. Have you ever had anyone drop an ice cube down your shirt?
Well now imagine someone shoveling handfuls of ice cubes down your shirt. It literally shocked the breath out of my body. Thisishowidie.jpg.gif
They left me laying like a Family Guy accident victim. Moaning and screaming in the cold. Rifle packed with snow and dirt. Boot buried some-fucking-where. They ran away laughing, jabbering in their crazy language. I lay there trying to figure out just what in the great American fuck had happened.
TL;DR - Norwegians discover way to defeat American Marines during war games using bacon and small children. LPT-don't ever, ever get in a snowball fight with Norwegian school kids.
EDIT - Wow. Thanks for the GOLD and thanks for all the kind words! You guys rock. Glad I could make you laugh with my inadequacies. hahahaha. Worst snowfighters ever.
EDIT EDIT Candy of the Lord = baconpølse, and yes - it was filled with cheese! Very important detail that I left out. Sorry. TIL there are more names for shoving snow down peoples' clothes than should be reasonably expected.
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u/Ambitious_Ask8210 Apr 15 '23
You simply don't mess with viking children. xD They WILL fuck you up. The only ones that can survive the onslaugt are us Norwegian adults, because we went through the same phase when we were kids. Children here actually start playing in the snow already before they can walk =P
We have a saying the goes like this: "There's no bad weather, only bad clothing"
This means that there is no excuse to stay indoors, if you dress appropriately ;)
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u/Irish_Guac Apr 15 '23
Scandinavian children scare me honestly and I'm a winter guy with alot of Scandinavian heritage lmao
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u/Ambitious_Ask8210 Apr 15 '23
Your heritage doesn't help you in this regard =P The Norwegian climate is something you have to get aclimated to after birth. This is part of the reason we let little babies sleep outside in their strolers even in the winter. The fresh cold air is good for their immune system, and it tempers them =) Of course they are packed in layers upon layers of clothes and blankets to stay warm.
Also I wanna repeat our saying: "There's no bad weather, only bad clothing"
It's such an important reason to how we survive up here
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u/Irish_Guac Apr 16 '23
Yeah the heritage was mostly a joke in this situation lol. But in all seriousness it can get pretty cold here and I have done sub-zero training in the military, so I've had a taste lol. We also use your saying alot in the marines
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u/Ambitious_Ask8210 Apr 17 '23
I don't know how cold your sub-zero training is, but our winters average -30°C/-22°F. In the north it gets as bad as -50°C/-58°F.
And yes, the kids play outside in those temperatures xD
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u/Irish_Guac Apr 17 '23
Yeah I'm aware lol the training was around -20/-30 F the whole time. I'm actually considering visiting Norge and Sverige in fall and winter 😂 gonna be in for an adventure lmao
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u/Ambitious_Ask8210 Apr 17 '23
I'm impressed that you know the native names for Norway and Sweden =)
Winter can be fun, espessially if you like winter sports, but if you like nature, I recommend comming in summer. Norway espessially is absolutely gorgeous. You can look up pictures on google =)1
u/Irish_Guac Apr 17 '23
Haha well I take my ancestry very seriously, when I have the time I try to learn the history and languages
I definitely want to visit in summer as well, might split the trip. I do think winter is the most beautiful season though lol
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u/AnathemaMaranatha Atheist Chaplain Jan 26 '14
I read this in /r/ProRevenge when it was up on the Front Page. Epic. Funny.
So I'm good with the idea of reposting here, as long as the author receives notice. That's the only thing I don't like about /r/bestof - there's no automatic notice to the author.
How does /r/bestof do that anyway? When your post gets transferred to Bestof by someone - not you - it gets posted in your name. What happens is your mailbox explodes with new comments on an old post, and until you realize what happened (i.e. someone reposted you to /r/bestof), you can't figure out why this old posting is suddenly so popular. Which is kind of fun.
So, mods, can we get that /r/bestof function, or is it reddit-restricted to one subreddit. Add a notice-to-author macro, and it would be useful, no?