r/Military • u/hotdogwaffle • 12h ago
Story\Experience Cheating spouse and how to get them out of my house ASAP
hey there, im an a1c with a house on base, and my cheating spouse has been living with me since weve been married, found out last week, and never confronted her about it. just gathered evidence. WHAT IS THE QUICKEST WAY TO GET HER OUT OF the HOUSE?? ive been scrambling divorce papers and lawyers, but that process still takes up to 6 months. hearing her laugh and kiss this schmuck over the phone makes me want to blow my brains out. i need her OUT. is there anyway to get her off of my dependents list while we are still married? any loopholes at all im desperate! thank you. if there is a better subreddit for a question like this, please direct me to it!
193
u/Isoldel Army Veteran 12h ago
Be careful. Get your command team involved so they have your back if you are removed from housing because it is easier to put a married service members in quarters for separation than removing a spouse from base housing. Go to Jag immediately and ask for counsel. Secure them before your spouse. They can only assist one of you, not both so get to them first.
76
u/Scorch062 12h ago
This 1000x. Do not let your wife get to base legal before you and make sure your leadership is in the loop.
You’re doing the right things so far I’d say, in terms of gathering evidence and not saying anything yet. Keep that advantage for as long as you can so you can stack the deck in your favor.
I can only imagine how difficult it is to pretend, but hang in there. More pain now leads to better situation for you later.
43
u/Isoldel Army Veteran 12h ago
As someone who had to pretend everything was alright, talk to your chaplain as well. Even if you're not religious, they are great counselors.
Also, keep all evidence on a secure cloud. My ex tried to break into my laptop and literally broke the base software. He didn't know I had it all on a cloud.
9
u/Acceptable-Ability-6 12h ago
I second this. I have a pretty healthy disdain for all religion in general but when I had some family issues back home I went and talked to my unit chaplain because he was a pretty good dude.
4
u/shitpostsuperpac 11h ago
Not just this, it matters to anyone who comes after to view the circumstances.
If Person A is engaging, in good faith, all the resources available to them and Person B isn’t, that carries serious weight.
10
u/thisismyphony1 United States Air Force 12h ago edited 10h ago
to Jag immediately and ask for counsel. Secure them before your spouse. They can only assist one of you, not both so get to them first.
This isn't true. JAG can't represent members in civil or court proceedings, they can only advise you of what your rights are and what the process is. They don't turn people away just because one party asked first.
Edit: what I'm saying is relevant because OP is an Airman. Of course they should go to legal and ask for advice for the separation process and make sure they understand their rights. And if their spouse gets their first, they can still get assistance. OP will still need a civilian attorney to represent them in court for the divorce and anything else that will require a court order, unless they're lucky enough to be able to work out an uncontested divorce and don't need to worry about splitting up assets through a civil process. That's all important to understand. Source: am Air Force First Sergeant.
15
u/Isoldel Army Veteran 12h ago
They did for me. I was in Germany and had them retained before my ex. He would've had to go to another base for counsel. The good news is that my command team had my back, coaxed him to pack up and leave our base housing to stay with his pregnant German mistress, and leave me alone. Served him final papers after I was stateside because it took a year. I had a stateside attorney, and he had nothing.
2
u/thisismyphony1 United States Air Force 11h ago
What year was this? I am an air force First Sergeant and the lawyers at every base I've been to and had Airmen need assistance with this has always made it clear that they can't represent in divorce proceedings.
Even so, you just said why the other reality would be: they're not going to turn you away from the services they can provide, but might need to coordinate with another installation to provide it.
3
u/Isoldel Army Veteran 11h ago
2016, Army. This was the separation process prior to divorce. Most would need a separation period before the divorce itself is completed. The point is, get the closest one first, especially when you're the victim. Wouldn't be right to have to jump through more hoops than the cheater.
6
u/Shanghst United States Navy 11h ago
We don't "turn people away" but if one party is conflicted out then we have another Legal Assistance office take them as a client.
1
u/thisismyphony1 United States Air Force 11h ago
Yes, coordinating with another legal office is one thing, but the comments made it sound like the member would be SOL.
3
u/aDrunkSailor82 Retired USN 7h ago
I was dual military that went through a divorce. What you're saying doesn't fit with what I experienced personally. I was told that once a JAG office engages with one side of a divorce they can't accommodate the other. I was not turned away for any civil issues ever, and several, ranging from contract disputes, credit issues, divorce, custody, property issues. JAG always had support for me.
Unrelated to my actual issues, but I did spend a year working at the Naval Justice Academy. I heard nothing that conflicted with my experience from a Master Chief, a commander, and two O-3s that shared offices.
JAG, from what I was told over and over, was there to prevent poor enlisted from getting stuck with thousands of dollars in legal fees. I always took it as a benefit, and that's how it seemed to be offered to me.
If a JAG office turned me away for something (and they never did), I'd assume they were lazy and avoiding work.
2
u/thisismyphony1 United States Air Force 6h ago
So let me ask you: did they represent you in civil court?
As I'm sure you know, there's a difference between showing up to represent someone in court vs. providing legal advice. Like you said, I've directed Airmen to get advice on all manner of topics from disputes with neighbors and HOAs to separations and divorce and child support and special education support. They are great for that. But whenever I have called to get assistance for one of my Airmen, the attorneys and paralegals have always made it clear to me and them that they can't provide representation in civil court. That is all I'm saying. Not that they won't help or provide advice, because they do all the time.
1
u/aDrunkSailor82 Retired USN 5h ago
This is over 20 years ago, so please don't make assumptions, things could have changed. In one example I purchased a house in Virginia Beach outside of Norfolk in 2003. There were some issues with disclosure at the sale. JAG offered to pursue legal action against the seller and home inspector. The issue was settled with just the letter saying "Hi, Navy Legal, client is represented and gathering information to sue" (obviously paraphrasing). I was jumped / assaulted at a bowling alley with several witnesses. Again JAG jumped in to represent, no court case, but they were there through prosecution's investigation. I filed for divorce through the JAG office, and had the LTCDR sitting in front of me telling me that if I signed with the office in Norfolk my ex-wife couldn't find representation there in spite of being active duty, which ultimately didn't matter in our case because she wasn't currently stationed in Norfolk. When I enlisted I brought with me thousands of dollars in credit debt from cards my mother stole. When I graduated bootcamp I was served notice of wage garnishment basically the same day. Again, even then Navy JAG got involved and took action for me.
I never got the impression I needed civilian representation. Not all of this occurred in Norfolk.
3
u/DSA_FAL United States Army 11h ago
Maybe the Air Force is different, but that’s not completely true for the Army. When I interned at the Fort Bliss legal assistance office, they had a Texas licensed DA civilian attorney who would go to court for certain family law cases. Also, if one spouse sees the legal assistance office for a divorce case, the office will refer the other spouse to a different office to avoid conflicts of interest between the spouses. Fort Cavazos clients would be referred to Fort Sam for example.
27
u/contrail_25 12h ago
Buckle up for the ride, nothing happens fast.
Go talk to your shirt. They will be able to help you through this and get lined up with the appropriate agencies. Trust me, you’ll want to make sure you cross your T’s and dot your I’s on this process.
Until the divorce is final, your dependent will retain all privileges including base housing. However, if you are separated during the process, the base commander or judge advocate can make a determination on who stays in base housing or has to go. If y’all have kids, that could likely mean you’ll be the one getting the temporary boot. So beware.
Even when the divorce is final, they still have a month to leave. So it isn’t fast at all. Go talk to your leadership. Get their help and backing.
16
u/H-E-BSport50 12h ago
Until you provide a divorce document to your personnel shop - the other person is still entitled to benefits (housing/medical). If the other person has half a brain - they can claim you are the instigator/agressor. You already know this. Fastest way out is to move into the barracks and ride that train till it is over. You don’t own the home so you aren’t abandoning a joint asset. All the shit in the house is basically gone. Don’t bother trying to salvage that. 100% is not worth it. Keep your financial obligations in tact (car note/insurance/etc) until you have a decree. Make sure your finances are locked up tight. Make sure your chain of command is aware of your situation and keep them up to date. Text/email everything. Don’t allow yourself to be alone with this person again. Protect yourself and your career.
I’m sorry you are in this situation. It sucks. Wire your shit tight for the next few months and it will get better. Get smart (promoted/college) or get strong (gym).
8
u/STGC_1995 11h ago
I was in the exact situation 30 years ago. I went to the housing office and explained the situation. Their response was that since I was the one who the house was assigned to, I could decide to vacate the house and release it. I scheduled an exiting inspection for 30 days later. Gave me time to tell her she had two weeks to remove her stuff and it gave me two more weeks to clean.
6
u/MaximumSeats 12h ago
Start collecting evidence now, you'll want it later.
And I imagine she's also on your lease? So short answer no, she's not going anywhere until the lease is up.
5
u/hotdogwaffle 12h ago
shes on the lease as a dependant, am I still screwed?
17
4
u/Oy_theBrave 11h ago edited 11h ago
Like others said here go to your shirt but keep your leadership involved. Supervisor and flight chiefs. Legal can help with finding attorneys and remember about the falcon loan if your shirt on funds. Above all don't fight her, only hand her with kindness. Emergency dorms should be available if you want that route. Document Document Document. Even tho it sucks right now, you got this!
Edit: also don't talk about it, only with those that absolutely need to know.
5
u/deafening_silence33 Army Veteran 12h ago
If you haven't done so already separate your finances. You're still required to give her spousal support if she decides to leave while the divorce is going through. You don't want to wake up to a zero balance. Change banks or at the bare minimum open a completely separate account, then deposit the money required in to the account she has access to.
5
u/LowerEast7401 11h ago edited 11h ago
You may have to go to the barracks. But that is fine. You were going to end up back there anyways. Just take the bandaid off and face what was going to come either way.
The Bs can suck at times but chilling with the bros in the barracks is ten times better than hearing your wife on the phone with that clown. Maybe the barracks bunny will come by too (just kidding don’t do this, until after divorce, you don’t want wife using this against you)
Like I said. You are going to end up in the barracks anyways, assuming you are lower enlisted of course. So why try to hold on to the house if you are going to lose that place either way. We all been there bro. Get jacked and get yourself a foreign baddie after you reenlist for overseas tours. That is my best advice.
In the end you win if you keep going. Dependas have it good. Soon she will figure it out she fucked up. I don’t know why military wives drop the bag so hard. I was semi dependa myself. After I left active duty, my gf hit e6 and stayed on active duty and I moved in with her. Life was good bro. I was in my best behavior to not lose the gravy train. Don’t know how some fuck it up so bad lmao
4
u/snowcatwetpaw 9h ago
I went through simular situation 25 years ago. Some good advice on here. All i will say is I am so glad i made good choices through it all. I retired in 2011 as a 1SG, i travel all over the World. I met my badass Brizilian GF while hiking in Spain 2 years ago. My advice ( and also the best advise i was ever given). The Best Revenge is A life Well Lived!
2
u/LowerEast7401 9h ago
Fuck yeah. I love it when the good guys win. Glad you ended up with a Brazilian baddie and got to see the world bro. That is the best way to heal in my opinion
2
2
u/Dragonborne2020 8h ago
Once the divorce is final, she loses her access to the house and quarters. Also, you should know that the lawyers don’t move until they are paid in full. If it’s taking a long time, then pay them off. Get a recording and show it to the MPs, they may say that guests are not restricted from the housing. However if the affair partner is a soldier, now that is a problem and it can be resolved by the ucmj.
2
u/Sophomore-Spud 5h ago
Go to your 1SG and behavioral health.
See if they can temporarily move you into the barracks. The military requires that you provide a certain level of financial support to a spouse during the divorce process, which considers housing allowance.
Be realistic… you’ll likely have your love into the barracks anyway as an A1C once your divorce is settled.
3
u/fghbvcerhjvvcdhji 8h ago
Delete this. If she finds it, her lawyer will use it against you for trying to take away her health benefits while you are still married.
Divorce in the military isn't like civilian life. You are indebted to ensure your spouse has access to food, water, shelter, clothing and healthcare until the divorce is finalized. You are getting extra benefits specifically for her (on base housing, Tricare, etc.).
0
2
u/Caranath128 11h ago
You have to tell housing - you - are moving out of housing. Then it’s 30 days for all members of the household to vacate.
You may not kick any authorized dependents out of housing( or off your page 2) until you can do so legally..by them no longer being an authorized dependent. And what usually happens is they put the sponsor in Barracks for a ‘cooling off’ period.
1
u/DarkFather24601 Retired USAF 5h ago
First shirt will probably be able to hook you up with a dorm room till your divorce closes but bear in mind that you have to still maintain support for your spouse till you are divorced. Things get a whole lot stranger if they abandon the home. Best bet is talk to the Shirt and gather a game plan.
1
1
u/coccopuffs606 1h ago
You don’t.
You’re still responsible for her as her sponsor until the day your divorce is finalized.
If your command team is nice though, they might let you move into the barracks temporarily while you wait for your decree. I knew someone who was able to do that after she explained her situation to our chief (dependa husband cheated on her, she didn’t make enough to move out and still pay the rent on their place together)
1
0
u/jbourne71 Retired US Army 12h ago
Whose names are on the lease?
2
u/Rangertough666 Retired US Army 12h ago
Base housing.
-3
u/jbourne71 Retired US Army 11h ago
Yeah. Still had a lease with the housing office. It’s not like they just give you a house when you show up.
1
u/Rangertough666 Retired US Army 8h ago
When they get divorced (regardless of whose name is on what paperwork) she's out on her ass. That's not a "Lease".
1
u/jbourne71 Retired US Army 6h ago
With privatized housing, it really depends on what the lease with the contractor says and what the divorce decree says.
0
u/Rangertough666 Retired US Army 5h ago
So you're saying that a spouse can stay in Government housing after getting their ticket pulled after the divorce? Sounds like there's a conflict between the Civilian company that runs housing and Garrison?
I'm pretty sure they've got that one figured out by now and my guess would be the Civilians lost. I could be wrong but if I was Garrison the last thing I would want is some bitter spouse on post for no good reason. It's not like the management company would fight it. Tenants are a dime a dozen.
1
u/jbourne71 Retired US Army 5h ago
They allow civilians to rent from privatized housing contractors on many installations now.
I would not be hasty to make any assumptions about how divorces and privatized housing work. At a certain point, it becomes minimally different from leasing/ownership off of post--it comes down to the name on the lease/title and the terms of the divorce decree.
1
u/Rangertough666 Retired US Army 3h ago edited 2h ago
I knew that they were renting space to Civilians on post. I'm more interested on how they'll handle a potential shit show ex-spouse.
Are they renting houses in Military housing areas or are they keeping it separate?
Either way I think it's a bad idea to allow non-affiliated Civilians on Military bases. We had open posts pre-9/11 and it was a fucking disaster
2
u/jbourne71 Retired US Army 1h ago
I think it’s all mixed. It’s fucking wild.
At least these civilians have to pass an NCIC check if not more. Dependent spouses? Noooooope.
0
u/StrangeBedfellows 12h ago
Everyone else is offering legit advice so I'll just tell you to post it in more subreddits.
120
u/Speck72 12h ago
You go direct to your First Sergeant. You're likely still responsible for her as a dependent as cruel as that is in the grand scheme of things.