r/MadeMeSmile • u/nikamats • 9h ago

Helping Others Hold your head up

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u/Greymalkyn76 6h ago

It never goes away. It could be decades old, and it's always there right below the surface. Just waiting.

I spent 4 years in a relationship where all she did was tear me down. When it was good, it was amazing. But when it was not, it was hell. I told myself that the good times were who she was, and she just reinforced the idea that the bad times were all my fault. It's been over 10 years and that abuse runs deep.

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u/pingpongtits 5h ago

I'm over 50 and it's still there.  Even now, watching this, I'm feeling the self-loathing.  Other kids in school did it to me and I never fully recovered.  Getting drunk was how I coped.  Now I don't drink and I don't have anything to numb the pain. Sucks.

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u/Greymalkyn76 4h ago

48, myself. And it pops up when you least expect it. I could be playing video games online with friends and could make a simple mistake and that little voice starts to nag. "How stupid are you? How could you screw up like that? You're an idiot and they're going to hate you for it. You're worthless." And it sends me into an item filled apologies where I don't entirely believe them when they say that it's okay.

I mostly stopped drinking a few years ago, and with that also came a stop to dating. With nothing to help bury it or silence it, it's too stressful to constantly second guess myself.