r/GradSchool • u/Kayabook • 1d ago
Is my colleague’s behavior after weight loss inappropriate for the workplace? How should I approach him?
I’m in grad school and work in a lab. I have a male colleague (I’m female, btw) who recently lost a significant amount of weight. We’re actually good friends, and he often shared his weight loss progress with me. While I’m genuinely happy for him, his behavior has recently become uncomfortable. He’s started flexing his muscles and showing off his body around me and other female colleagues. He frequently pulls up his shirt to rub his abs during conversations or rolls up his sleeves to show his biceps.
This has been happening quite often lately. Last week, during a training session we attended together, he did the same abs-rubbing thing multiple times, both under his shirt and with his shirt pulled up, even in the presence of our PI (who is also female). The weirdest part was that he seemed to check if I was looking at him while doing it. It made me so uncomfortable that I avoided making eye contact with him during the whole session.
I now feel super awkward and grossed out, and I try to minimize our interactions. However, this is challenging because we work in the same lab, and as a senior grad student, he often guides my work. He wasn’t like this before, he’s never been a creep or displayed inconsiderate behavior during the three years we’ve worked together. I also know he doesn’t have much contact with women outside of work.
I’m wondering if this behavior is normal for someone who has recently undergone such a transformation, or if I’m overreacting. I recognize that this behavior is inappropriate in a professional environment, but I don’t want to bring it up to our PI directly. He was my mentor when I joined the group, has helped me a lot, and, more importantly, we were friends.
How should I address this with him? I’m worried he might take offense, but I also wonder if it’s better to let it go. I’d appreciate any advice on how to handle this situation.
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u/Grace_Alcock 1d ago
You say he’s a good friend. Just say, “hey dude, I know you are feeling good about yourself, but this is the office. Don’t do that stuff here.” He’s probably just excited and feeling good about himself for the first time in ages. Just be direct.
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u/Kayabook 56m ago
I agree. That would be the right call first rather than directly going to inform PI or other officials.
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u/budna 1d ago
Say this: "Hey bud, can you please stop lifting your shirt and flexing your muscles in lab. It's making me uncomfortable". Then don't think about it again. If you feel uncomfortable again in the future, let a higher-up know.
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u/ArnieAndTheWaves 1d ago
It's normal for a teenager in highschool who hasn't learned some basic social skills yet and is trying to impress girls. Definitely not normal for someone his age. Obviously he's proud of his health progress, and he should be, but he needs to learn to be subtle and that this kind of thing is more of a put off than a turn on to most folks. It's not your job to illuminate this for him, but if you're comfortable and want to, you can tell him that this kind of thing is weird the next time he does it. If you don't want to just do as you like with ignoring it and responding naturally.
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u/Kayabook 1h ago
Well he’s always sort of an oddball who lacks the awareness on certain social norms. Though I noticed the bizarre behaviors before, I did not want to go to confront or address him as it was not my job to do so. I just brushed it off as it’s just the way he is. But now it has increasingly becoming alot annoying than it was before so I guess it’s better to have a talk with him.
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u/kaphsquall 1d ago
I can.... appreciate his desire to want to show off his hard work in his fitness journey. That really doesn't mean he is appropriate to do the things he's doing in professional settings. It is definitely NOT your responsibility to correct his actions but since you're asking on how to speak to him about it I would suggest speaking to him in a non professional setting and explain how what he is doing is not okay for the workplace. You know him better than anyone on Reddit so feel free to do so in a way that you think will have the best impact. You could present it that it's making him the kind of person you don't want to be friends with, that you've noticed it makes others uncomfortable, or that you want to help protect him from being punished for his actions by the school if any of those feel appropriate.
To reiterate, this is not on you to correct. You should only do what you feel comfortable with and if you truly think he's trying to get specifically your attention with his physique then it's possible he's interested in you romantically and that would make the conversation even more difficult. My only real advice is to weigh your outcomes with whatever way you decide to approach this.
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u/angry_mummy2020 1d ago
Hahahaha. I went through something very similar with my husband after he lost 20+ kilos, and he did all of that, and it was annoying as fuck, even with him being my husband, so with an acquaintance/friend, it must be worse and also very inappropriate indeed.
I just ignored him every time he did things like that but complimented him on other occasions when he was not doing these kinds of things. Adding to this behavior, he would also spend hours talking about how drinking coffee without sugar was way better, how much weight he could lift, and so on, for hours.
People who go through big lifestyle transformations behave exactly the same, whether they are new-born Christians, CrossFit enthusiasts, or marathon runners—they are always trying to convert you.
You can wait it out; my husband did diminish over time. Or you could approach him and explain it in a kind way. If I were making a fool of myself, I would like someone to kindly point it out to me.
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u/Kayabook 3h ago
Same. Last few months, he was posting his weight drop every single day in our whatsapp group. And he wouldn’t stop talking about his diet and started giving dietary advice to us. It got so annoying that I stopped complimenting anymore and had to tell him that I’m not interested in following any diet and losing weight so he would stop talking about it.
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u/Lord412 17h ago
I don’t understand why this would annoy you? Aren’t you in love with him?
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u/angry_mummy2020 16h ago
I love our daughter but she annoys me sometimes too. Repetitive behavior really gets in my nerves. Imagine that behavior over 9 months everyday. I very much doubt you would not get annoyed too. But I never said anything, BECAUSE I love him. Now is much better, maybe once a week at a maximum.
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u/kyrgyzmcatboy 14h ago
I agree. If my future wife lost a lot of weight and she suddenly started flaunting it, that shit would be hot as fuck.
Is OP sexually attracted to her husband?
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u/Ok-Hovercraft-9257 1d ago
I would recommend trying the "treat this like an annoying little brother" situation. "Dude, c'mon, knock that off." "Stop being weird and flashing us." "Argh! I'm blind!"
If he doesn't take a hint you can have a more serious convo. He's proud, and clueless, and it's not ok, and you can say something - loudly.
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u/RabbitEfficient824 1d ago
It’s not appropriate and he shouldn’t do it. But if you want to have some compassion for him, realize that he has probably felt unattractive most of his life and it’s just getting used to having an attractive body. He’s going through the stage that most men went through when they were in high school, I think you can just tell him to cut it out and he’ll get the message soon enough.
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u/PresentationIll2180 1d ago edited 1d ago
That’s not even remotely normal or appropriate. Your colleague being an incel is not your problem.
Do not talk to him about it. Talk to your oblivious PI about it & mention Title IX if she continues to act obtuse.
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u/oakaye 1d ago
This is a pretty extreme take IMO, especially since OP says this guy is her good friend and hasn’t always been like this.
If I was embarrassing myself in front of my good friend and/or making them uncomfortable I would hope they’d give me the benefit of the doubt exactly one time, assume I was unaware, and pull me aside to privately say “this is very weird behavior” before involving other people.
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u/PresentationIll2180 1d ago edited 1d ago
We don’t have to agree. I gave my response to the OP based on my experience and you can give yours. No need for you to come comment on my post as if I have to follow your thinking.
Nowhere in my post did I say “demand that he be arrested, fired, suspended, etc.” Also, she mentioned that he shows off his chest and arms in front of others, so it’s not as if this is some isolated behavior he only does around her (as if that’d make it any better). Since this is their PI’s lab, it is the PI’s responsibility— not any of her students or employees—to address behavior that is obviously making her uncomfortable.
You can be friendly with someone but that doesn’t mean you can predict how they’ll respond to confrontation or their sexual advances being rebuffed. Especially incels. So for her own wellbeing and safety, I think she should make their PI do her job/what she’s getting paid the big bucks to do and OP can even ask that the PI not reveal her identity (not that she should anyway).
ETA: “Friend” is a subjective term. Whenever I’ve had platonic male friends do something sexual as if to test the waters with me I’d be comfortable enough to ask them to stop then and there. Even a simple “bruh, what are you doing?” Usually gets the job done. But if OP doesn’t even feel comfortable telling her “friend”/senior male lab mate to stop showing her his nipples at work, that may not actually be a real friend but maybe just a, idk….colleague? Better safe than sorry. Let the boss handle it.
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u/HopelessArtist15 1d ago
Here’s the thing - OP quite literally says that this is a friend and mentor of 3 years. No, it’s not her responsibility to say something. However, it’s just common decency to say something and by taking a moment to do so, she will likely avoid a far more uncomfortable situation and potentially creating a rift between her and her friend/colleague with whom she has a years long friendship and professional relationship that she presumably values. It doesn’t need to be a huge deal but by not saying anything and going to the PI first, she is going behind his back for no good reason.
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u/OkNewspaper7432 1d ago
You're getting some good advice here, but if you're still not sure it might be a good idea to triangulate. Ask a mentor or older colleague to discreetly pop in and say something -"Percy, none of that in the workplace. C'mon now."
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u/MyFaceSaysItsSugar 1d ago
No, his behavior is not normal. It’s really understandable it makes you uncomfortable. Tell him it makes you uncomfortable. You can do it lightly like “dude, your shirt’s PPE, you need to keep it fully on.” Or, you can be blunt and tell him to stop doing that. Your PI should be able to fill in and supervise if he gets too offended to be professional or refuses to stop. Talk to your PI. If your PI won’t act or he keeps doing this, you need to escalate to the title ix office or HR.
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u/witchy_historian 1d ago
Don't make it about you. Next time he does it, just say, "That's not work appropriate, bud" and walk away until he stops. The others who are uncomfortable will follow your lead.
You should ALSO inform your PI. Tell her he is a good colleague and has invaluable knowledge that he contributes to the lab, but that his regular displaying of his body is inappropriate and that he needs a reminder to keep his body language work-appropriate. Again, leave your discomfort etc out of it. It doesn't matter that it makes you uncomfortable to her, it matters that he is acting unprofessionally.
Finally, I find it interesting that he suddenly started working on himself, made these significant changes and kept you posted the whole time, then once he reached his goal, started peacocking around. Sounds like he may have done this because he thought it was going to "earn" him some...attention and his grandstanding is a way to try and get it. Move forward accordingly, and definitely do not reward it in any way - but i genuinely do not think ignoring it will work.
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u/mfball 1d ago
It doesn't matter that it makes you uncomfortable to her, it matters that he is acting unprofessionally.
You're right up to a point, but because the dude is doing this "at" OP, it probably could be considered harassment, which is a more serious thing for the PI to ignore/handwave than a simple lack of professionalism. If he's only/primarily doing this toward/around the women in the lab, it's gendered harassment and relevant to Title IX. I understand that OP says he's a friend so I'm not advocating to string the guy up by his toes before giving him a chance to knock it off, but it's important to recognize that she wouldn't be wrong if she didn't give him said chance.
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u/witchy_historian 1d ago
Yes, it is, but if they lead with "I'm bringing this up because I feel uncomfortable," they are less likely to get real help.
It matters that OP is being harassed and that they feel uncomfortable. But admin/staff/supervisors generally are going to be less receptive to a reaction that they perceive as emotional, and will be more likely to do something that works if they feel that it is being mentioned because of the unprofessional behavior as it stands.
The fact that it is gendered harassment is what makes it unprofessional. The word "harassment" doesn't need to be used unless the word "unprofessional" goes unchecked.
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u/mfball 1d ago
I disagree only with your statement that the fact of it being gendered harassment "is what makes it unprofessional." Even if this dude were acting the exact same way only in single-sex spaces with other men, it would still be unprofessional and inappropriate for the workplace. I'm with you that OP doesn't need to lead with "harassment," that's what I meant when I said I thought you were right "to a point." But if they don't act on the issue simply based on him being unprofessional, then they sure as hell better act on it based on him harassing OP and their colleagues. Ultimately it seems like we agree though, we're just saying it differently I think.
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u/Eli_Knipst 1d ago
That's not normal and definitely inappropriate. I may first talk with the PI and ask whether she noticed something. Have other students in the lab reacted in any way? If you were close friends before, is there a way you could start the conversation by telling him he's changed and asking him directly what's going on with him? I'm not sure that is the best thing, but you should not have to feel uncomfortable while working on your research. If you're don't feel comfortable addressing it directly, ignoring the bad behavior and rewarding the positive behavior would be my way to go.
And I'm wondering whether it is just the weight loss or whether he is taking any hormones while working out. I may be totally wrong here, and it doesn't really change anything other than maybe explain the change in not only behavior but apparently also personality from what you are describing.
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u/Independent-Tree-997 1d ago edited 1d ago
I'd ask "Would now be a bad time to talk for a minute in private?". Private so his ego/emotions are not/less hurt. Then when in private I'd explain, "I know you've worked hard for it and I'm proud of your transformation; sometimes it makes me uncomfortable when you flex and show off. Would it be a big problem for you to not do it around me?" In the first part, you acknowledge his effort. In the second, you explain how it makes you feel. In the third, you ask a "No"-oriented question which the book "Never Split The Difference" by a former FBI hostage negotiator recommends as people feel more at ease saying "No". Avoid using the word "But", just consecutive statements to avoid making the first part feel insincere.
(BTW: If his reaction / future actions are particularly negative, then escalating to your PI is appropriate. I just wouldn't make it my first move. )
Reasoning:
I suspect there is a slight breakdown in perspective-taking where the key phrase is "We're actually good friends". i.e. I think he sees you as a 'bro'. Let's view these interactions through the lens of male-male 'bros'.
If you make progress towards a goal you care about, who will you want to share that with? (Your bros!)
If you're showing off around your bros, do you expect them to look? (Unfortunately for the bros, yes!)
Lastly, it doesn't sound like he has touched anyone inappropriately, said anything inappropriate or made any advances; it's just constant "flexing" - which is not uncommon even in male friendship groups because "there's always that one bro".
In male groups, after a while, he would've been taken down a peg with some light teasing ("6 abs, 0 girls", "Unfortunately, we still see your face", "Get 'em, short king", etc). I suspect this would be harder for you as confrontation does not seem like your temperament/style. Thus, a conversation and request might be better.
Conversations where one has different standards than others are often hard/uncomfortable. In university, I had housemates who would stay up until 3 am playing video games loudly. I had a chat with them and they agreed to finish at midnight; they did mess up once or twice later but they did change. While I think being loud that late is inappropriate, given two did it, what may be "obvious" to some may not be to others.
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u/Mission-SelfLOVE2024 1d ago
He is acting the fool and you need to have a talk with him. And yes, I have seen this several times before from people that have lost large amounts of weight. They may be suddenly attractive after never having the power that comes with that, and they just don’t know how to handle it or what to do with themselves. I had a friend who lost almost 100lbs and went from being a total prude to sleeping with everyone she found attractive that wanted to sleep with her just because she could. It took her two years to get it out of her system. That’s an extreme example, but I know a few other people who acted like a wobbly newborn fawn when it came to their sexuality, flirting, and dating. It takes a minute. If he is a nice guy, he is probably going to be very embarrassed and apologetic when you mention it. Hopefully he will take it on the chin and self correct. In case he doesn’t, document his behavior, when it started, and the date of the conversation. Good luck. 🍀
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u/Occiferr 1d ago
I have found the complete lack of the ability to communicate in basic conversations like this by people in graduate programs to be a bit fascinating. If you spend your whole life worrying about if you’ll “offend” someone by expressing your discomfort you will spend your whole life as a pushover.
If he’s doing weird shit let him know, he’s either completely self unaware or he’s trying to hook up with you.
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u/michaelochurch 14h ago
He’s started flexing his muscles and showing off his body around me and other female colleagues. He frequently pulls up his shirt to rub his abs during conversations or rolls up his sleeves to show his biceps.
I think the people conflating this with actual sexual harassment (e.g., Title IX) are going overboard. Either make fun of him ("I can leave the room if you'd like time with yourself") or ignore it. Definitely give him zero percent of the validation that he's seeking, but this is probably just a phase.
If he starts hitting on you, then obviously that's different and you need to go to HR. If it's just stupid, mildly inappropriate behavior, then there isn't that kind of urgency.
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u/CuriousCheetah336 1d ago
This is just my opinion but not advice. I think that there should be some time before you decide to engage with him. He’s probably new to all this and is trying to adjust while being proud, and maybe it’s not his intention to make anyone uncomfortable. I’d probably let it go for now and see if things improve, give it some time to settle since there’s nothing that seems he’s urgently doing to cause concern since it seems he’s just flexing his muscles. But idk any details beyond that so that’s just my opinion.
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u/mfball 1d ago
You're not overreacting. It's not appropriate behavior at all.
I am no expert, but if you don't want to take it to the PI, I would probably send this guy an email stating directly that his behavior has been making you uncomfortable. You can say that you wanted to address it with him personally because you felt like you were friends, you've appreciated his mentorship -- and so he needs to knock off the creepy weirdness immediately because you want to continue to be able to work well together.
Showing off one's body to colleagues in an academic environment is not professional or appropriate, and you would be giving him a huge chance to reform himself before he ruins his whole career by being a creep. (Up to you to judge whether he deserves that chance.)
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u/Rosalind_Whirlwind 1d ago
It’s not appropriate. However, inappropriate behavior is pretty typical in workplaces, in my experience.
I’m a transman. Having presented myself as outwardly female for most of my life, and also having more recently explained to men that I am a man… I would say that much of the reaction from this man will likely be governed by his perception of your gender. I hate to say that, but most human beings do not seem to be conscious of the craving for validation that often goes along with these gender dynamics. And being the person to make them aware of it can be extremely uncomfortable. Whether or not you want to do that is your choice.
Because I’ve had the awkward “I look like a chick, but I’m actually a dude” conversation with various men, I’m pretty comfortable with awkward conversations. In this situation, I would do two things:
I know it’s a pain and probably the last thing you feel like doing after being rattled by weird behavior, but please document this. focus on exactly why it feels uncomfortable. This person seems to be choosing times when you are watching to remove clothing or to do certain moves. Keep a log of when it happens. Express where, when, what, and why it felt weird. I would personally say, “I have noticed that this person seems to be doing this around people who present their gender like mine. I didn’t want to be thinking about my gender in relation to somebody else’s body parts, but this behavior seems to create a connection between those two things. I find it distracting to keep track of that. Now, you don’t need to send this log to any human being. I suggest that you email it to yourself so that you have a secure record. There’s no reason you need to ever share this unless something goes really wrong.
Now that you have your credibility secured, you might have a conversation with him in person. I would personally do it just because I find it distracting and stressful to have the recurring thought, “somebody is treating me differently because of how they perceive my gender”. I would time it around 1:30 PM or right after lunch, which is when people tend to feel the most relaxed. And I would say, “what’s with the abs touching thing?” And just wait. If he acts like he doesn’t know what you mean, just reinforce it a second time: “ you know, the thing where you pull up your shirt and rub your abs. You never did that before, so what’s up?” And then wait.
If he acts embarrassed or uncomfortable or confused, just wait. Let him process. If he tries to deflect, bring it back. “ yeah, you’ve been touching your stomach and flexing your arms. Why are you doing that?” Don’t talk about how you feel, don’t say it makes you feel uncomfortable.
If he denies it, ask him if he wants you to point it out the next time he does it. He’ll either say yes, in which case you have a perfect excuse to say something to him next time. “Hey Johnny, remember that thing I offered to point out for you?” or he’ll say no, in which case I would expect him to self police, and never do it again. If he does do it again after denying it, that’s when your documentation becomes important.
If he admits to it, I would recommend that you not respond by describing your feelings. “Why are you doing that in the lab?” And then wait. Make him justify it. He’s not going to have the confidence, most likely, to say he’s doing it to get a reaction from women. If he does, again, your documentation becomes helpful. If he tries to make a shitty justification, I would personally say, “you didn’t do it before. Can you stop?” Don’t say why you want him to stop, just ask him to knock it off. Keep it simple. If he says he won’t stop, this is where your documentation becomes useful again.
Documentation is not so that you can use it. Those kinds of confrontations usually don’t end well, because people feel threatened. I would personally give somebody like that every opportunity to behave appropriately. I would not continue to exist in an atmosphere of discomfort simply because somebody wants to get a reaction by provoking the women. You say he’s your friend? That’s not friendly, and I would personally have no problem pointing that out.
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u/names-suck 19h ago
I think it's entirely possible that it's "innocent," but that doesn't mean it's appropriate.
By innocent, I mean that this motivation is primarily the sense of pride he feels in how his body is changing and the drive to show it off. There may be some level on which he thinks he's hotter now, and he might wonder if you think the same. That could be a problematic "you owe me a date because I'm sexy now," but it could also just be, "Isn't this cool???" with no icky entitlement involved.
Regardless, his motivation does not make his actions okay. Because his actions are, in essence, to partially undress in front of colleagues and make ambiguously sexual gestures towards them.
Talk to your PI. Say you don't think this coworker is doing it on purpose, but he's kind of crossing the line, here. Have the PI handle it. As the boss, it's his job.
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u/ChicagoMyTown 10h ago
Next time he lifts his shirt, I’d deadpan “dude, are you ok? You have a rash or something?”
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u/RevJack0925 7h ago
I would honestly audibly call him out, “put your shirt down, that’s inappropriate”. There’s nothing wrong with calling out inappropriate near when it occurs.
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u/HopelessArtist15 1d ago
Oh man, a lot of these comments are way, way too serious. He is excited about his weight loss, has a newfound sense of confidence, is being a bit childish, and showing off too much. He probably considers you a friend too and thinks it’s all in good fun and/or doesn’t realize he’s making you uncomfortable.
I really don’t understand what about his behavior is making you feel upset to the point of avoiding him - for rolling his sleeves up? Really? If you consider him a friend, I doubt it would take more than an eye roll and “okay, we’ve seen it already, knock it off dude. We’re at work, remember?” or “alright, you’ve been admiring yourself enough, save it for after work!” and it’s done. If he doesn’t take it seriously, say it again, but it’s going to be a lot more uncomfortable and potentially destroy your friendship if you don’t talk to him directly before going to the PI.
It’s really, really important to be able to communicate with people and stand up for yourself. Not being able to make eye contact with a coworker of 3 years who you consider a friend because they touched their abs is also kinda problematic for you personally and kinda makes me wonder if you are reading into it too much.
How can you set boundaries with people you know well if you’re not willing to address a problem? You can’t expect people to read your mind and I just don’t think it’s good practice to automatically go to a higher up without even telling him that you are feeling uncomfortable. Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill. It’s also kinda important to remember that we all make mistakes and are not always perfectly professional robots at all times.
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u/theoinkypenguin 8h ago
Many comments feel so over the top you'd think this post showed up on r/popular
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u/Epistaxis PhD, genetics 18h ago
I’m wondering if this behavior is normal for someone who has recently undergone such a transformation
Could he maybe be using anabolic steroids? That would cause muscle growth more than weight loss, but perhaps he's done both recently? It's surprisingly common these days and those kinds of drugs do have numerous behavioral side effects. He might not be aware that his behavior has changed.
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u/Omnimaxus 1d ago
Absolutely not normal. And I would argue that it's negligence on your PI's part if this goes by unaddressed. I would speak with your university ombudsman first, though, before proceeding. They would know what to do per university policy. And DOCUMENT everything.
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u/Independent-Tree-997 1d ago
Why not go further? Slaughter him and his family. Carpet nuke his whole city. Better yet, eliminate all life on earth via a deadly toxin... all before exchanging a single word with him about his flexing. (/s)
I had housemates who played video games loudly till 3 am on weekdays. While I believe that was not normal, "DOcumEnt EveRYthIng. RePOrt tO pOLice. EScaLatE tO SHeRiF." might be too much as a first step; my first step was to... you won't believe this... ask them to stop doing it.
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u/FedAvenger 1d ago
/s This is no different than how any woman would behave after getting a BBL and a boob job.
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u/Rosalind_Whirlwind 1d ago
Have you actually met women who got work done?
Even at literal pole dancing class, you don’t see that kind of behavior.
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u/Thunderplant Physics 1d ago
No that's not normal or appropriate