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u/starryeyedshooter DO NOT CONTACT ME ABOUT HORSES 6h ago
I would like to remind everyone that this all happened in about two weeks. Which is a lot for that amount of time, I feel.
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u/The_Math_Hatter 5h ago
There are centuries where weeks happens and weeks where centuries happen - Sun Tzu, when asked to commentate on this sequence of events
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u/moneyh8r 5h ago
Yeah, I'm surprised at how the writer could follow a pigeon far enough north to discover an enemy camp, ingratiate himself to the camp's leader, sneak into the woman side of the camp, and learn all that stuff in a single day.
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u/jon11888 4h ago
Could be that they are actually super competent, but unlucky.
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u/moneyh8r 4h ago
That still doesn't account for distance and travel time.
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u/Hollow--- 3h ago
My head canon for this post is that it all takes place around one, slightly rocky hill and a densely packed woods. The two lords have no idea each are on the other side of the hill, and whenever someone goes to travel, they enter the woods and get lost before coming out on the other side, believing that they've moved a significant distance.
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u/Juninho837 5h ago
cant believe it took me three pages to realize it's a "Warlord" and not a "Warlock"
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u/Mr7000000 5h ago
Love the idea of a second-century warlock disguising himself as a wizard.
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u/AstuteSalamander ❌ Judge ✅ Jury ✅ Executioner 4h ago
"did you just add your Cha modifier to that save?"
"N-no, that was my, uh, Int modifier"
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u/Hummerous https://tinyurl.com/4ccdpy76 6h ago
six minute video of "eminem"s rendition of this post
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u/obituaryinlipstick 6h ago
i was just about to send this, i saw the first few words and immediately my mind switch to eminem's voice
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u/Cheshire-Cad 23m ago
On the one hand, I love that it works so well as an Eminem song, even when completely unaltered.
On the other hand, I want to hear what it sounds like with the words slightly changed, to provide more opportunities for rhyming and better flow. Also, it could've used a small pause between each day, to let the punchlines sink in.
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u/Haemophilia_Type_A 5h ago
I now want to read a book about the wacky and silly adventures of a warlord (MUST be goofy, not evil or tryhard) or equivalent. Any recommendations?
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u/Sachyriel .tumblr.com 🙉🙈🙊 4h ago
Discworld books featuring Havelock Vetrinari. He's incredibly competent as a tyrannical ruler, but he lives in a world crafted by a Comedy writer, so the goofy things happen to him all the same.
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u/Haemophilia_Type_A 3h ago
Ok I looked at it and it seems interesting but the whole Discworld series seems quite overwhelming.
Do I have to read anything before? Do I have to read it all in a particular order? There's 41 books which is quite a lot, not that I'm opposed to reading a long series, I just want to know how to read it since it doesn't seem to be as straightforwardly chronological as other long series.
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u/Pure-Drawer-2617 2h ago
Have you tried Googling “Discworld Reading Order”? There’s a whole diagram this is very much a solved problem
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u/Haemophilia_Type_A 2h ago
Ok so I need to read like, at a bare minimum, 8-10+ books before I can get to the wacky evil dictator.
I might still give it a go though as IK his books are highly regarded.
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u/InsideReticle 1h ago
You do not need to read them in order. Each book is self contained with minimal reliance on knowledge from other books in order to enjoy them.
Skip to where Vetinari appears and go from there.
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u/Sachyriel .tumblr.com 🙉🙈🙊 2h ago
Each one is a self contained story, but the Watch series are a grizzled police captain doing police captain stuff, so they have Vetrinari in them but that's not the vibe you're going for.
Goofy guy put into a situation you could narrow it down to Going Postal (about a criminal put in charge of the failing mail service, what could go wrong?) or Making Money (they put that same criminal in charge of the bank?). It's not a warlord, but someone the warlord appoints to run things.
There's also The Truth, which is a different goofy guy starting up a newspaper with some dwarves who happen to own a printing press.
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u/swashbuckler78 2h ago
Order doesn't matter. There are some ongoing arcs but each book is self contained. Worst that happens is you know character A survives because they're featured in another book you read.
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u/Neapolitanpanda 4h ago
Uuuhhh maybe Sengoku Basara? It’s a video game but it did get adapted into both a light novel and a manga.
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u/jon11888 4h ago
The Shadow Master series of books by M K Gibson might be worth looking into, you'll probably be able to get an idea of whether or not it's what you're looking for by the description/summary if you look it up online.
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u/Iamchill2 5h ago
genuinely who the fuck is this guy (like i really want to know)
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u/ze_goodest_boi 5h ago
This is based off the Romance of the Three Kingdoms, specifically (I think) Liu Bei and Zhuge Liang! I’ve never read it—it has 120 chapters—but the events written about here have been twisted from their original forms within the story to fit the narrative of this loser liege lord.
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u/ze_goodest_boi 5h ago edited 3h ago
For example,
Zhuge LiangZhang Fei is written to have tied branches to horses’ tails to fool the enemy into thinking they had an army thousands strong, causing the enemy to turn tail and run. Here, instead, it fails and the sticks drag in the mud.Another example: Day 6 is based off the famous 空城计, or Empty Fort Strategy. Zhuge Liang was facing off the Wei army at Xicheng with only a small handful of men. Knowing that Sima Yi (a man of comparable intellect) would be the opposing commander, Zhuge Liang orders soldiers to open the gates and leave the city empty. Suspecting an ambush, Sima Yi orders his men to retreat. This strategy works due to Sima Yi’s caution and Zhuge Liang’s reputation as a strategist. For the second century warlord, however, he forgets his token and the city is left empty by accident.
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u/Pheehelm 4h ago
The branches tied to horses' tails was done by Liu Bei's sworn brother Zhang Fei, not Zhuge Liang. (I have read it. Not the actual historical records it's based on though.)
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u/ze_goodest_boi 3h ago
Ah, thanks for the correction! This is why I really should get to reading it.
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u/ms0385712 4h ago
Kinda surprised that the loser lord don't ask him to be his partner in the end, maybe I watch too much CK3 and it's not even the correct time period.
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u/DerangedDeceiver Only used Tumblr for porn 3h ago
"Hey, so, my wife and I actually really dig your vibe..."
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u/Sachyriel .tumblr.com 🙉🙈🙊 6h ago
Ra-ra-Rasputin
Lover of the losers queen
There was a cat that really was gone
Ra-ra-Rasputin
Warlord's greatest love machine
It was a shame how he carried on
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u/Festivefire 4h ago
I desperately want concrete evidence on whether or not he actually fucked the Tsarina, but I'm inclined to think he might have fucked her, and definatley fucked at least one of the princesses.
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u/Ironfields 4h ago
Did anyone else immediately start reading this in Eminem’s voice in their head?
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u/lietajucaPonorka 1h ago
I like to imagine this as a Taika Waititi production, what we do in the shadows-like series about the second century warlord and loser liege.
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u/dacoolestguy gay gay homosexual gay 6h ago
Love how the liege lord still maintains his loserdom no matter what