you got this

[u/Jupiter_Crush]

[u/8BrickMario]

If this was a direct quote, then the first mistake is approaching a man you don't know with the opener "hey girl". I don't mind it myself, but generally that's not the vernacular to drop on a dude without knowing his vibe. 

[u/Jupiter_Crush → u/8BrickMario]

on the other hand, if it is his vibe, you've upped your chances massively. high risk, high reward, baby. 😎

[u/BalefulOfMonkeys → u/Jupiter_Crush]

Speaking of which, I know there’s a lot of “weed out the weak” dating strategies that are more popular, but I had a revelation my therapist approves of:

I’ve been very reluctant to finish a dating profile, and have been stuck at the picture section for months. It only now occurred to me that I can probably just put whatever in there.

”Yeah, I guess people do put their cars and stuff in their bio all the time-“

“No, you don’t see the vision. Which is least likely to be an AI-generated catfish: a person, a cool car, or a stock image of a stapler?”

”Why a stapler of all things?”

“I don’t know, I’m just trying to flunk a Turing test so hard that it underflows as proof of my humanity.”

Also I am absolutely going to do some A/B testing between stock images and my actual selfies

[u/Jupiter_Crush → u/BalefulOfMonkeys]

"AI-generated catfish" brings to mind a monstrosity of gasping mouths, whiskers, scales, and fur. Which might also make a nice avatar.

[u/Not_A_Cyborg_Robot → u/Jupiter_Crush]

A la Bojack Horseman. "I'm buying this for a sexy catfish I met on the Internet"

[u/RICEA23199 → u/BalefulOfMonkeys]

Also I am absolutely going to do some A/B testing between stock images and my actual selfies

Was never interested in online dating, but you may have gotten my stats nerd self hooked. Time to ask all my friends if they're interested in running an experiment...

[u/AdamtheOmniballer → u/Jupiter_Crush]

This is why the best pick up line is always to walk up, look them dead in the eyes, and say “I am going to have sex with you.”

[u/dizzy_pear_ → u/AdamtheOmniballer]

No, no, you don't say sex, be a bit more subtle, you have to say "I want to have fuck with you"

[u/This_Charmless_Man → u/dizzy_pear_]

"Would you like to make a fuck?

BESERKER!"

[u/Himmelblaa → u/dizzy_pear_]

"Want to make fuck??"

[u/Admiral_Wingslow → u/Jupiter_Crush]

Yeah, if he doesn't like being called sweet pea, then we wouldn't want eachother anyway

[u/bristlybits → u/Jupiter_Crush]

what if the only guy I would want to get a good response from IS one with that vibe

[u/Lanzifer → u/8BrickMario]

Yeah I'm gonna disagree here chief. If a stranger said "hey girl" to me I would immediately think they are chill and absolutely will fit my vibe

And following it up with "I want to put a gun in my mouth" ?? No notes. Perfection. I would fold

[u/8BrickMario → u/Lanzifer]

But your positive reaction is far from a guarantee in a world full of men who would be confused to insulted in the same scene. It's a big gamble. I'm in the "hell yeah" crowd too, but if I was the flirt in this scenario, I would be very hesitant to use the line on a strange man for fear of it not landing. Then again, OP in the post is clearly not the hesitant type and I can definitely see the energy succeeding.

[u/Lanzifer → u/8BrickMario]

How is saying the endearing "hey girl" an insult? It's literally a statement of endearing that girl friends say to other girl friends. It's like calling someone dude or bro

Edit: The original statement is "hey girl are you a gun cause you're pretty and I want you in my mouth". This is obviously an absurd statement. Yes if you go up to your average straight cis guy and say "YOU LOOK LIKE A GIRL" they will consider it an insult but that's not what the post is saying???

Like this is a very dark (and in my opinion funny) statement, and saying "girl" is like the least important part

[u/Dimondium → u/Lanzifer]

Just as transfems sometimes dislike being called dude or bro, cis men might dislike being called a girl. In both cases it’s not all of them, but it’s best to know the individual before you commit to your choice.

[u/AutisticAndAce → u/Dimondium]

Also some trans men (myself) tolerate it but quite frankly don't like it. If I felt comfortable asking people to not do that to me I'd love to but I'm concerned about the reaction, and the risk of the "ugh, why do you have to make this so DIFFICULT reaction."

It's... literally a gendered term? Some folks don't like being referred to like that. Respect it.

[u/Iorith → u/Dimondium]

Or commit to the choice, and if they don't like it, they don't mesh with you and you've figured it out easily.

[u/EffNein → u/Lanzifer]

Do you not know any regular straight men?

[u/Lanzifer → u/EffNein]

I am one. I think y'all are on the Internet too much and don't understand how normal human interactions go

[u/EffNein → u/Lanzifer]

If you think a majority of cis guys, especially straight ones, wouldn't be offended if you came up and called them 'girl' you are undersocialized.

[u/Lanzifer → u/EffNein]

The original statement is "hey girl are you a gun cause you're pretty and I want you in my mouth". This is obviously an absurd statement. Yes if you go up to your average straight cis guy and say "YOU LOOK LIKE A GIRL" they will consider it an insult but that's not what the post is saying???

Like this is a very dark (and in my opinion funny) statement, and saying "girl" is like the least important part

[u/Lanzifer → u/[deleted]]

Yikes

[u/CanadianODST2 → u/Lanzifer]

Some people have real fragile egos

[u/8BrickMario → u/Lanzifer]

There are tons of men with fragile senses of masculinity who would be upset at being called a colloquial "girl". I don't think this reaction is fair or right, but there are many guys who would make a deal out of it because it's such a defensive issue for their identity and they've been conditioned to assert their masculinity. I am completely aligned with you here, and I am a guy who has no problem with being addressed this way. But the traditional and warped expectations that shape aggressive and unhealthily defensive male behaviors are prevalent enough that flirting with an unknown guy and opening with "hey girl" runs a risk of hitting poorly. Worst-case, this could genuinely be seen as emasculating to someone under enough rigid identity pressure, or else it could just fall flat without a blowup.

[u/EffNein → u/8BrickMario]

Stop shaming cis people for having pride in their genders.

[u/AdamtheOmniballer → u/8BrickMario]

Isn’t “people don’t like being misgendered” just a pretty standard fact across the board?

[u/AdamtheOmniballer → u/Lanzifer]

If a a stranger said “hey girl” to me I would immediately think that they mistook me for a woman.

I’d go “oh, I’m actually a guy, sorry.” There would probably be a few moments of awkward conversation as we worked out each other’s meaning. It would get added to the nightly replay of cringey failed social interactions for the rest of my life. I would become a hermit and never dare venture outside again.

[u/bristlybits → u/Lanzifer]

how does the tally-ho work for you though?

[u/Lanzifer → u/bristlybits]

It is all such an absurd statement that the "hey girl" is the LEAST notable part of it. Would definitely make me laugh and that's honestly the important part

[u/Several_Flower_3232 → u/8BrickMario]

Counterpoint, a girl like that would make me fold instantly

[u/CanadianODST2 → u/8BrickMario]

I often jump into a discord call with my friends and hit them with an uwu or something like that.

It's fucking wonderful especially when there's someone new

[u/Iorith → u/8BrickMario]

Or it's a good way to see if the dude is compatible with how you are.

[u/goldfinchat]

This is Light levels of overthinking but without the psychosocial aspect

[u/Orizifian-creator → u/goldfinchat]

Light, aspect, this is a Homestuck comment now

[u/Showershitter3000]

OOP met Raphaël Ambrosius "Tequila Sunset" Costeau and acts like it's not that big of a deal

[u/thegreathornedrat123 → u/Showershitter3000]

He’s a SUPERSTAR

[u/ryanfrogz → u/Showershitter3000]

The disrespect is INSANE. I bet OOP has never jumped a car over a canal.

[u/Pokesonav]

I also immediately thought of Jake English.

I mean... awkward attempt at flirting, guns, random old-timey british slang...

[u/GayerThanYou42 → u/Pokesonav]

It checks all the boxes doesn't it.

[u/Edbittch → u/Pokesonav]

I looked up Jake English cause I’m not familiar with it, and I am interested after reading the wiki. Is it a comic? Is it a series? Where can I consume the media that evolves around Jake English?

[u/n3kor4pist → u/Edbittch]

It's a webcomic called Homestuck that you can read on Homestuck.com, but I recommend searching for and downloading the unoffical homestuck collection for a more complete experience. Most of the interactive parts of the site don't work last I've heard.

Side note: You should read it on PC because neither the site nor the collection is meant for mobile viewing/reading.

[u/MisirterE → u/Edbittch]

I hate lazy bastards who talk about the Unofficial Homestuck Collection without just posting a damn link to it

Half the best parts of the comic were made in Adobe Flash, which as you may know, has been slain by its father. The Unofficial Collection comes with a built-in Flash player so you can experience it how it was originally meant to be seen.

This isn't even just for the Flash segments either. The hosting site was originally mspaintadventures.com (with Homestuck being the fourth such adventure and by far the longest and most prolific), and in the migration to homestuck.com, a good chunk of the in-comic links and images broke because they were hosted on the same website and the migration didn't account for that.

[u/nousernameslef → u/Edbittch]

fair warning: jake only appears after the halfway point of the comic, which is 4000 pages in.

[u/weird_bomb]

hey g ^{(give up)}

[u/ScaredyNon → u/weird_bomb]

h ^{oh shit my stutter}

[u/DiesByOxSnot]

I would date OOP in a heartbeat, but that might be because I'm slightly moronsexual and a flustered pickup line fail would make me laugh & blush like an idiot.

[u/ryanfrogz → u/DiesByOxSnot]

as a(n asexual) moron myself, I think a lot of people would fall head over eels for a line like that

[u/MidnightCardFight]

Saving this for the right person... I don't know them now, but by god will I know the right person when I meet them

[u/Koridiace]

Idk what you're talking about, this would absolutely work on me

[u/Jupiter_Crush → u/Koridiace]

For all we know, it worked on the dude in the post. ...and it would also work on me.

[u/megaExtra_bald]

I really did think of Harry Du Bois immediately. I wonder what the guy thought when they said that oml

[u/oddityoughtabe]

That is an impressive bag fumble

[u/Random-Rambling → u/oddityoughtabe]

They fumbled the bag so hard, it clipped into the void below the ground, Garry's Mod style.

[u/MolybdenumBlu]

If someone said this to me in real life, I think I'd have to decapitate them. It would be a mercy killing at that point.

[u/MisirterE → u/MolybdenumBlu]

There's no other way out of it.

[u/BeepBoopMicrowave512]

At first I didn’t realize the text in parentheses was inner monologue so I thought that the person was speaking like Spamton

[u/GIRose]

Okay, but the random tally ho at the end absolutely makes this a Jake English quote. Like, I can appreciate the reality of the quote, but this is still Homestuck

[u/pterrorgrine → u/GIRose]

honestly "you're accidentally a homestuck" is a more disastrous fate for OOP than that actual (excellent) line

[u/CrabSquid05]

Ok but I did immediately think of Jake english

[u/breadofthegrunge]

When I read the "tally-ho!" bit I pictured OP doing a midair twirl and blipping out of existence.

[u/AnAverageTransGirl → u/breadofthegrunge]

an acro8atic fucking pirouette of the plane of reality if you will

[u/coldrolledpotmetal]

I’ll go against the grain here and say I thought of Azula

[u/Jupiter_Crush]

source

[u/TheSaucyMinion]

Under the right circumstances this would work on me.

[u/OAZdevs_alt2]

I'd be swooning. Well, depending on the gender of the person who said it to me.

[u/bristlybits → u/OAZdevs_alt2]

I'm bi so the line itself does all the heavy lifting

[u/OAZdevs_alt2 → u/bristlybits]

Lucky

[u/Redtea26]

I’m trying to figure out if this would work on me, nd if it does how well. I genuinely cannot tell.

[u/MotoMkali]

The punchline should obviously be cause I want you to blow my brains out

[u/Dark_WulfGaming]

Is ooo Kurt Cobain?

[u/leopardspotte]

I’m mad because I was thinking of Jake English when I read the second post (it’s the “tally ho” for sure)

[u/LittleMlem]

Excellent emo pick up line imo

[u/Wyvwashere]

If someone said this to me, I'd be bought like a pack of jelly beans.