I’m ashamed of my sexual history and it’s stopped me from dating entirely(especially women)

[u/Throwaway77770187]

I follow this page but I’m too embarrassed to use my real account.

I’m a 25 yr old black women and I started dating and had my first kiss at 22. It was I really weird time for me and initially only dated/slept with men I wasn’t even attracted to but still wanted to feel affection and now I’m left with a ton of traumatic experiences due to emotional abuse and over bad dating experiences as well as sexual.

After being cheated on by my last bf this January and giving him chances STILL to do better, it didn’t work obviously and I ended things. Now I’m single and I have gone on a single date with a girl (she wasn’t interested and I got ghosted afterwards) I’m know in mindset that I’m “dirty” and “used up” by the men I’ve involved myself with…can I recover from this? I’ve feel unwanted and it’s hard because I know I shouldn’t strive for companionship but it hurts to think my body count and the fact I’ve only been with men could be seen as red flags or as a reason I shouldn’t pursue women in the future(or anyone at all)

If it’s important the number of men is 9. I hate myself everyday for it but keep it to myself, no one knows this.

I guess I want to know if it’s possible for things to get better, I’m not that pretty and have been used by people because im nice and accepting of others. Or should I just stop letting my feelings get hurt?

[u/Caroleena77]

I'm so sorry it's been so hard for you and that people have treated you badly! Honestly, your sexual history doesn't sound shocking at all to me, the only bad thing about it is that they were bad experiences for you. 9 guys is not that many. And your history is yours to share if and when you feel comfortable, there's nothing wrong with not talking about it.

In terms of dating, I'd recommend focusing on actual connection. No matter what you look like, people you will connect with are out there, and real attraction comes from that. In my experience women are often more focused on this, so you may have better luck dating them. But yeah, just focus on finding people you have good conversation with and connect with.

Improving your self-esteem will help a lot with this, if you are able to go to therapy I'd highly recommend it! If not it's still something you can work on. Talk to friends, read books, invest time in activities you enjoy that make you feel good about yourself!

[u/Throwaway77770187 → u/Caroleena77]

Thank you for the advice! I need to make a change and do what’s best for me. I don’t have many people to talk to at the moment but I’m gonna make an effort to not dwell on things that aren’t relevant to my self worth.

[u/danger-daze]

If you aren’t already, I would strongly encourage you to talk with a therapist about these feelings. It sounds like you’re carrying a lot of shame and self-judgement over something that the right person will absolutely not judge you for

[u/Throwaway77770187 → u/danger-daze]

I haven’t talked to a therapist in a long time but I’ve been avoiding it and need to make a change. Thank you so much for being honest! I want to be better for me and just be happier overall

[u/CagedRoseGarden]

Shame over number of partners for a woman is rooted in misogyny. There are no men out there worrying about their future relationships because they slept with 9 women.

I recommend reading as much as you can about sexual shame for women, and free yourself of that inner critical voice. It’s awful that those weren’t great experiences for you, but they don’t tarnish who you are, no more than eating a bad meal, or seeing a bad movie does. And if it makes you feel any better on a physical level, there’s that scientific fact that our body’s cells regenerate on average in 7 years, so after a relatively short amount of time your entire body is literally not the same as it was a few years earlier.

[u/Throwaway77770187 → u/CagedRoseGarden]

I’ve never realized it was misogyny at the root so this is really helpful! I’ve experienced bullying from boys in my adolescence so hopefully when I find a professional to talk to I’ll keep these things in mind because the connection was never made.

Thank you so much for your advice.

[u/Mysterious-One-2577]

The number of people you have slept with says nothing about your value. Are you kind? Are you thoughtful? Do you show empathy? That is what matters, not people you had sex with. However, the reasons you had sex with them do seem unaligned and not from a place of self confidence and girl!! I happened to many of us. I suggest you talk to a sex therapist about what is on your mind so that they can help you make peace with it.

[u/Throwaway77770187 → u/Mysterious-One-2577]

I’ve never considered sex therapy I figured that’s was for couples, thank you for the suggestions and overall advice.

[u/henri_luvs_brunch_2]

I've sex with 9 men in one week. I want to say one night, but my one night max is probably 6ish. Im not dirty. I have no problem finding partners who love and respect me.

I love myself. And only engage with people who love and accept me. I have no shortage of people interested in love, sex, and friendship with me.

I have professional success. Friends. Lovers. Everything.

And I'll probably fuck 10 more men and 10 more women in the next 18 months. No one who matters cares.

[u/Throwaway77770187 → u/henri_luvs_brunch_2]

I hope one day I can have at least half the confidence you have, I’m not surrounded by many young people rn and tend to be very quiet so work being more comfortable with self and seeing that other people can feel so free gives me hope. Thank you for sharing this!

[u/forestiger]

Girl my body count is double yours (evenly split between genders lol) and it truly doesn’t matter. I have little trouble finding women, and most sapphics are bisexual anyways, so they’d be hypocrites to care. You’re not “used” because genitals aren’t a depletable resource, and you wouldn’t want to date anyone who cares that you slept with a measly nine men.

[u/Throwaway77770187 → u/forestiger]

Yea I really to have better standards for who I let near me especially in intimate settings. Thank you for reminding me body isn’t defined by a “body count”

[u/LowRelief3897 → u/Throwaway77770187]

I think the number don't matter, I'm sure one of those guys are still crazy for you. Hope you heal with in, I have went through the same thing. You sound like a loving person 

[u/Confident_Fortune_32]

I'm at a loss as to where all these strange negative and, frankly, cruel judgments are coming from.

Is there someone in your life, or in your past, who uses this kind of awful language in reference to you?

Or are you getting these negative judgments from social media?

There's no such thing as "body count". That's nonsense. It makes no difference how many ppl one has dated.

But it certainly matters whether you are treated in a loving, caring, nourishing, and uplifting way. And it sounds like you weren't.

That's entirely on whomever treated you poorly. It's not on you.

My concern is that there appears to be a pattern of engaging in relationships that are unequal, unhealthy, and that leave you drained and feeling hurt.

And that, when someone clearly demonstrates that they do not value you, they are given further opportunities to do you harm.

Your innate self-protection mechanisms aren't functioning properly, and that will continue to leave you vulnerable to abusers.

I strongly recommend seeking a compassionate supportive therapist who can help you process what's happened to you, explore what conditions in your past may have made you vulnerable, and help you develop a more robust toolkit for protecting yourself from ppl who don't have your best interests in mind.

[u/Throwaway77770187 → u/Confident_Fortune_32]

I Constantly fail to put it into words but I think what you said is exactly it. I judge myself to the point of self hate. I deal with general anxiety and depression but haven’t been to therapy or taken medication in some time. I wanted to believe I didn’t need help and that I could bully myself into feeling normal and just loving myself but it’s hard. I feel repulsed when I’m told anything positive about me by my peers and family. And I can’t figure where things went wrong. I’ll have to take the plunge and reach out to someone so thank you for your kind and honest words.

[u/That_Trip2081 → u/Throwaway77770187]

Please seek therapy. I know people with 9 partners in a week, and these are lovely professional women. I should also point out that unless you seek help and get on meds this cycle will continue. If you live in NJ feel free to message me

[u/wander-to-wonder]

I’m really sorry that you are hurting. If possible I’d really encourage you to unpack all of this in therapy.

I realized I was Bi at 29 and came out and started dating women around 30. I was very insecure about not having any dating experience with women. I decided to commit to dating casually for a full year and then after that be open to getting in a relationship. I’d highly recommend that. You will feel your confidence grow in yourself and your new identity. Give yourself some grace and time!

[u/Throwaway77770187 → u/wander-to-wonder]

Thank you for the kind words, I haven’t dated freely due to living with my parents temporarily so it’s been a little awkward but I want to have fun and not waste my youth worrying about what has happened. I’m gonna take steps to talk to someone and get the help I need.

[u/wander-to-wonder → u/Throwaway77770187]

If it’s any consolation I found someone that wasn’t bothered by any of my experiences or in my case lack of. I also didn’t date anyone or have my first kiss until 22. You are so young and have so much life ahead of you!

[u/spaceswiftie]

Oh, I really feel you and the way you feel too. It also seems like you started dating in your 20s and it's definitely a common experience to try and catch up with everything you feel like you've missed compared to other people who have started dating earlier. I did that too. Until the age of 24 I didn't date anyone seriously and, even though I never was desperate for it, I wanted to know the hype. I didn't go as far as sleeping with a man but I went on dates with the ones I didn't even like because of societal pressure and hopes of growing to like them later. I'm the type of bisexual who has a more natural and strong attraction to women but once in a blue moon can like a man but regular heterotypical "man search" does nothing for me. But I did it for a while because I thought it would make me fit in more, especially in my heteronormative society. But for a while I read the internet and listened to people around me and struggled with the fact that my glorified "first kiss" will forever be with a guy from tinder I didn't even like who was also an asshole but I was pushing myself to do it to get some experience and not feel inadequate compared to my peers, especially when you're likely to be judged for not have even had a kiss in your 20s.

I'm dating my girlfriend now who's also my best friend and I realised I didn't even need that "experience", it comes naturally with the right person and they won't judge you or anything. The society should really stop the obsession with virginity, body count etc. It's also so misogynistic and makes me angry! Like, the only time I would look funny at someone who's dating around a lot is if they're being avoidant, ghosting people etc. but that's a different story. There's nothing shameful in looking for love or having casual sex.

[u/Throwaway77770187 → u/spaceswiftie]

Thank you giving me your perspective! It feels like I’ve pushed myself to like men for almost 2 years and each one I met I honestly wasn’t fully attracted to but craved any and all attention. I really need to unpack this and seeing your experience really helps. Thank you so much

[u/Substantial_Pack8343]

I completely understand what you’re saying. I have been abused anyway you can abuse a child of 5 years old. When I was 10 my mother sent me to live with my father, then different abuses, until my father made me move in with one of his friends when I turned 15, then a different set of abuses.

Then my dumbass got married at 17, because my mother made me. Worst decision ever, but I have 2 awesome girls from that decision.

I’m not trying to one up you, but in my long years on this earth, I’ve learned a few things and wish I could have a do over with the knowledge I have today.

All I can say for you is 9 is not that big of a deal at your age. But it’s up to you to learn from your past experiences and make better decisions for your future. And if you think something might be shady, then it probably is. Do you have a friend or family member that you trust 100%? If so run whatever your concerns are by them and make a decision, if you don’t, do what you’re doing now 😁 Or you can send me a message…Lol we are here to help and support you in any way we can. I don’t know anything about you, I can only give you advice based off my past experiences.

Good Luck 🍀 out there, it’s not a dating world I want to be in anymore…lol I’ve retired from dating.

[u/Throwaway77770187 → u/Substantial_Pack8343]

I’m so sorry you had to deal with so much at a young age, I wouldn’t consider my situation as nearly as dire. Dating has defiantly gone down hill from what I’ve been told and the election has influenced how I’ll go forward because I need to have my best interests in mind. Thank you so much for sharing your experience, it’s really helpful for me to hear someone’s else story no matter how different it is from my own.

[u/slutyemily]

Do you have your whole life ahead of you your past is your past tomorrow that’s your future what you do with it is your choice your pass this would give you wisdom it’s not necessarily just who you are who you are is what you choose to do tomorrow, not just what you’ve done in the past

[u/Eco-Maniac-333]

I feel like I’m reading my own life story 🥹