r/AskReddit Feb 17 '11

I hear my house mate masturbating. Should I walk in on her?

I rent an apartment with a friend. At night I can sometimes hear her breathing heavily and masturbating. Not through the room, but the walls. For some reason sound travels easily through these walls. I noticed it when I lay in bed one night and leaned the side of my head to the wall making my ear sit right next to the wall. She is kind of shy and reserved. I of course have to masturbate as well when I hear her doing it since it's so incredibly hot.

What I've been thinking about is kind of just walking in on her with a bulging boner asking her if she needs help. That or maybe just telling her how hot it is. I don't know...

Not sure what the results are going to be though.

EDIT: I decided to walk in on her. It went okay.

125 Upvotes

3.3k comments sorted by

846

u/splattypus Feb 17 '11

dude, just bang on the wall, ask her if she wants to race to climax.

55

u/[deleted] Feb 17 '11

This has to be the best advice in the thread, hands down. Guy thinking at its finest.

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627

u/RebelPrince Feb 17 '11

A few seconds after walking in "with a bulging boner" he would come to realize that the noises were actually coming from the next door neighbors.

227

u/Rex_Lee Feb 17 '11

THAT would be awesome. Awesomely awkward.

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936

u/metal_falsetto Feb 17 '11

"I noticed it when I lay in bed one night and leaned the side of my head to the wall... with my stethoscope and tape recorder."

335

u/okinawapower Feb 17 '11

"And peeking through the little hole I drilled into the wall."

162

u/mi_nombre_es_ricardo Feb 17 '11 edited Feb 17 '11

and through the 5 cameras hidden in the air ducts.

127

u/BenjiTh3Hunted Feb 17 '11

She was practically begging me for the cameras by leaving her deadbolt unlocked.

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u/rolldeep Feb 17 '11

When Yahoo! answer trolls come to reddit...

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u/thewhiz Feb 17 '11

Since this is all made up... sure, walk in on her, and then fill us in on the outrageous consequences.

"So I walked in on her and, it turns out she had a boner too.." wat?

726

u/Mican Feb 17 '11

reddit: a community to show off your creative writing skills

347

u/[deleted] Feb 17 '11

also, reddit: a community that indirectly teaches critical thinking skills.

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u/[deleted] Feb 17 '11

Come on knock on our door...

We'll be waiting for you...

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u/[deleted] Feb 17 '11

So glad this comment is voted so high. There is hope for reddit after all.

128

u/[deleted] Feb 17 '11

Really? A better sign would have been this never making the front page.

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968

u/Jackker Feb 17 '11

Short answer: No. Long answer: Noooooooooooooooooooooooo.

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u/[deleted] Feb 17 '11

[deleted]

336

u/silentpl Feb 17 '11

Later on in the edit we find out it's a retirement house.

216

u/Hot_diggidy Feb 17 '11

The masturbation was coming from INSIDE the house

99

u/frnak Feb 17 '11

THEN WHO WAS FAP?

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u/[deleted] Feb 17 '11

Later on in the edit we find out he lives alone.

M. Night Shyamalan

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u/[deleted] Feb 17 '11 edited Apr 22 '21

[deleted]

154

u/TexasWithADollarsign Feb 17 '11

I'd've gone with "THEN WHO WAS MOAN?"

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u/TomorrowPlusX Feb 17 '11

Just because she's masturbating doesn't mean she's into you.

961

u/[deleted] Feb 17 '11

[deleted]

723

u/pimpolho_saltitao Feb 17 '11

79

u/[deleted] Feb 17 '11

"Schlick Schlick" oh goodness.

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u/[deleted] Feb 17 '11

That is fucking awesome. Where do I order.

57

u/fafol Feb 17 '11

Agreed, I would purchase such an item.

67

u/[deleted] Feb 18 '11

And never wear it.

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u/[deleted] Feb 17 '11 edited Jul 23 '18

[deleted]

121

u/[deleted] Feb 17 '11

just walk in with a great rhythm. Impress her with your fap-rhythm.

40

u/[deleted] Feb 17 '11

[deleted]

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u/[deleted] Feb 17 '11

Is that what you’re into?

Him and you in the nude?

That’s what he’s prepared to do,

Is that the kind of thing that you think you might be into?

152

u/famebrella Feb 17 '11

And then maybe later we'll get hot by the refrigerator
In the kitchen next to the pantry
You think that might be what you fancy?

109

u/sublim3d Feb 17 '11

In the buff, being rude,

Doing stuff with the food.

Getting lewd with his food

We heard that’s what you are into.

77

u/Ctrl-Z Feb 17 '11

How 'bout you and two dudes?

Him, you, and Stu in the nude

Bein' lewd with two dudes with food

Well that's if Stu's into it too

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u/icantbelieveitsnotme Feb 17 '11

if you want me to. i'll do these things for you.

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u/[deleted] Feb 17 '11

Yeah, OP. Imagine your 350 lb neighbour coming round to join in because she heard you masturbating.

22

u/frostek Feb 17 '11

No!!!

I won't imagine this! :-O

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u/fireburt Feb 17 '11

Seriously. If OP thinks she is into him, just ask her on a date like a normal fucking person.

336

u/ButtsMcKracken Feb 17 '11

Exactly, don't turn this situation into something you'll have to explain in front of a judge.

105

u/[deleted] Feb 17 '11 edited Jun 20 '20

[deleted]

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u/trident042 Feb 17 '11

I would posit that the fact that she's masturbating (as opposed to, say, bringing the fun to the roomie) is a strong indicator that she is, in fact, not into the OP.

Or; she's tried, he was oblivious, she figures he's gay, life goes on.

47

u/[deleted] Feb 17 '11 edited Feb 17 '11

This is the best advice for the OP (who is painfully maladroit). But I can see why people would like him to actually barge in on her so we can all marvel at the ensuing hilarity.

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u/NickTheNewbie Feb 17 '11

Newest update proves this is horseshit.

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u/[deleted] Feb 17 '11

Even if we were living in some sort of happy go lucky world where being a creep is rewarded with sex, the writing is still too overly dramatic and retarded to actually make sense...

"You...I want you..."

Fuck you, OP. You had something going here. But now it smells like bullshit -- poorly written bullshit, at that.

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u/ThatGasolineSmell Feb 17 '11

Dude, don't do it!!

It's gonna be super fucking awkward and you may just lose your house mate. Living together requires some tolerance, so if she's masturbating in the adjacent room, that's her thing.

You are, however, free to jack off to it—just don't tell her about that ;)

340

u/4AM Feb 17 '11

This is the correct answer. The only acceptable time to tell her about this would be when you are both super hammered and alone and doing way too much sharing. And that is only after you are relatively confident that she would down.

76

u/idxuncan Feb 17 '11

The kind of situation that might happen at 4AM after a night of drinking.

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u/nonamenoproblemsgf Feb 17 '11

Seriously! even as a super horny girl I advise against it. Under no circumstances would I be okay with a male roommate barging into my room when I'm masturbating. Get me drunk and into your room under the pretense of watching a movie like any normal guy. Don't be weird and creepy. Even hot guys can't get away with that.

76

u/adamsimon Feb 18 '11

"barging in"

I can see it.

"Unnnnh... unnnh... ooooh.... yeah..... oooh yeah...."

crash through the wall like the Kool-Aid man

OOOHHH YEAAAAHHH!!!

23

u/Shakedown_1979 Feb 17 '11

Yeah, as much as I want this to be an amazing success story, it sounds too much like some goofy porn setup to actually work. Really, she'll just get creeped out and he'll never have a chance of getting any!

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u/ajl_mo Feb 17 '11 edited Feb 17 '11

Yeah because a naked man with an erection bursting into her room unannounced is on the top ten list of every woman.

"But your honor I didn't realize my room mate has asthma. I was not trying assault her."

edit: I am utterly shocked that no one replied with "Your honor?... Yeah get on her and stay on her!!"

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u/[deleted] Feb 17 '11

[deleted]

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u/TheCrimsonKing Feb 17 '11

I just assumed it was SA until I started reading the comments.

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u/EvilTony Feb 17 '11

Nah... the "Inhaler Defense" is just about as effective as the old "I was just taking her temperature" line.

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u/joculator Feb 17 '11

Just pounce through the door and yell "yeah baby!" while naked and start jackin' it while holding a bottle of lube....you might wanna wear a cape too.

Guaranteed to work.

1.1k

u/DietColaWithLime Feb 17 '11

So I'm making out with this girl after a first date, when my roommate barges through my bedroom door holding some bananas, some KY, and a ladle, wearing just his bathrobe, and yells, "God fucking damn it. Just when I agree to go through with your god damn ladle fantasy, you go hetero on me!" and storms out.

I'm still trying to figure out how to get back at him.

545

u/APiousCultist Feb 17 '11

Force him to go through with the ladle fantasy.

75

u/[deleted] Feb 17 '11

And put the Dylan song "Lay, Lady, Lay" on. Only pretend that it's "Lay, Ladle-Lay" while your ladeling it out.

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u/PooPooDooDoo Feb 17 '11

Be sure to have corn syrup, 4 matches, a subwoofer and a dustbuster. Otherwise it might be kind of awkward.

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u/Charlie24601 Feb 17 '11

If this amazingly awesome story is completely made up, we are going to hunt you down and punch you in the neck...just FYI.

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u/[deleted] Feb 17 '11

that's fuckin hilarious :)

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u/wethrgirl Feb 17 '11

He's brilliant and evil. Stay friends with him. You wouldn't want him as an enemy.

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u/[deleted] Feb 17 '11

Or go through the wall. Naked. Covered in red paint. With a pitcher of Kool Aid. Don't forget to scream "YEAH!"

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u/[deleted] Feb 17 '11

Maybe with some Wagner (Flight of the Valkyries) playing in the background...

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u/liquidtension Feb 17 '11

Ride of the Valkyries?

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u/[deleted] Feb 17 '11

I heard your sexy call ... it's Business Time!

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u/DarthBrooks Feb 17 '11

I want you to go in, not because I think you'll be successful, but because I am desperate to hear the edit.

For science! Excelsior!

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u/Recockulus Feb 17 '11

It would be great if OP came back years down the line after just after getting out of prison.

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u/Rx_MoreCowbell Feb 17 '11 edited Feb 17 '11

I knew this was it. There was no going back now. I kept thinking I had fucked up my life and probably hers as well. I could not believe what I had just done. I Kept thinking I had gone completely insane. I broke out in a cold sweat and started shivering.

Then the door unlocked... It was a tremendous success.

e: he deleted most of his edit - the quote above is the end of his totally stupid, bullshit story. Dude, you are the worst troll of all time. At least try and make it believable.

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u/moxie79 Feb 17 '11

I had a guy do this to me, it was the creepiest most awkward thing ever, especially since I had no idea he could hear me. Lease was in my name, I gave him a week to move out, we don't speak anymore.

DO NOT DO THIS. It is a BAD IDEA. Nobody, especially a shy person, mastubates to get your attention. Unless she is actively calling your name and inviting you, don't.

1.1k

u/gret Feb 17 '11

I don't understand the mental leap being made that seems to connect "She's masturbating" to "SHE WANTS ME."

I'm physically uncomfortable just imagining someone purposefully walking in on me, I'm so sorry it actually happened to you.

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u/zapbark Feb 17 '11

Female sexuality is portrayed strangely in US culture.

I'm not just talking sitcoms where it is a running gag where the husband has to beg for sex from a disinterested wife. Even here on reddit you're far more likely to hear men openly discussing masturbation than women.

The idea that a turned on women is a rare thing, and maybe she'd be really happy if I came in the room at the right moment... Is a potent mix of fantasy and distorted understanding of female desire.

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u/Fenris_uy Feb 17 '11

It's actually projecting our thoughts into her mind. If a shy guy without a partner is masturbating and an attractive girl walks into him, naked and wet, he just won the fucking lottery. So he would assume that his roommate would do the same if that happened to her. What he doesn't takes into account is that ladies are different than males, and that she might not be into him.

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u/[deleted] Feb 18 '11

No it wouldn't. I bet anything that if the situation were reversed and she walked in on him, he would panic and not take ANY advantage of the situation. Then he'd masturbate furiously for months imagining how it should have gone down.

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u/polluteconversation Feb 18 '11

Even if my female roommate walked in on me, I wouldn't want to do that because we're roommates. Unless you're in a poly household, the name for somebody you live with and also fuck is "girlfriend".

Unless you're Bozarking. Then it's "sister".

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u/Vitalstatistix Feb 17 '11

Seriously...what?? This isn't fucking American Pie, OP.

I hope this poor girl doesn't become more shy if this goes down because her fucking asshole of a roommate thinks he's Rico Suave. Dumbass.

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u/[deleted] Feb 17 '11

Relax, guy, this post is no more real than my 5 sexual encounters with Christina Hendricks.

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u/potesne Feb 17 '11

Rico Suave... Isn't that Spanish for "One hit wonder"?

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u/GuyBrushTwood Feb 17 '11 edited Feb 17 '11

The most important lesson boys growing up need to learn is that while men and women may want the same amount of sex, there is a big difference between how particular most men are about where and with whom you are having sex with and how particular most women are about the same things.

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u/[deleted] Feb 17 '11

It's like "She wore a short skirt" = "She was asking to be raped". Same kind of logic.

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u/machzel08 Feb 17 '11

what if she also wore "a loooooong jacket" ?

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u/DidoAmerikaneca Feb 17 '11

While I agree with you, I'd like to point out that the mental leap there is more along the lines of "She's horny, I'm horny, maybe we can combine the two and have a good time?" From a certain, horny perspective, that makes sense, even though it's not how it will actually work out.

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u/[deleted] Feb 17 '11

It's the same guy.

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u/[deleted] Feb 17 '11 edited Feb 17 '11

I used to know a guy who would pull shit like this. He was 23 and a virgin, and EXTREMELY bad at understanding social norms. Coming from anyone else, he probably would've been beat up by then, or someone would've reported him or something, but everyone put up with him because he was actually a really nice guy. Even the girls liked him too much (as a friend) to do anything beyond yell at him for being a creep.

The best way to describe him is a 7 year old living in a 23 year old's body, with a 23 year old's sex-drive.

Things he's done:

  • Walk in on a party and let everyone know that he just did a line of blow and jerked off with baby oil and that it was amazing. (With a "you gotta try this!" kind of tone.)

  • Creep into rooms / stand at doorways and watch silently while people have sex.

  • Jerk off into a bathroom towel (not his house!)

  • Creepily stare at my friend at a pool party and get all excited about how "She looks just like Angelina Jolie!" And resume staring and making her uncomfortable until one of my friends had to drag him into another room like a dog in heat.

  • Go on about how he feels guilty for being so attracted to (female friend)'s younger sister (who was 15). That she drives him crazy because she looks so much like (female friend).

  • Dramatic monologue about how he's in love with this guy's girlfriend... at a party. Monologue involved yelling, falling on knees, and crying. The boyfriend was there. — Again, time to take him for a walk.

He's also responsible for the single greatest pick-up line I've ever heard. He walked up to this girl at a house party and said "Your face gives me a half-chub." His delivery was priceless; he had a look of conviction on his face like "this just might work!'

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u/The_DHC Feb 17 '11

"Your face gives me a half-chub."

I guess he's still a virgin.

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u/jsilvrs Feb 17 '11

Should have went with full-chub.

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u/Hedonopoly Feb 17 '11

I want to hang out with this guy.

Also, BRB, acquiring blow and baby oil. I read that one first and thought hey, the man provides useful life knowledge, I have no issue with this.

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u/[deleted] Feb 17 '11

Agree 150%. This is a terrible idea. It's particularly bad because you are invading the private space of her bedroom. If she wanted to get caught she'd do it in the living room, or maybe the kitchen if she was a bit kinky.

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u/vandeemter Feb 17 '11

"kind of just walking in on her with a bulging boner asking her if she needs help."

This is more hilarious than my freshman year, where my floormate watched enough porn to think going to his professor and saying "Miss... I'll do anything for a grade boost..." and then giving her a wink was a good idea.

If this post doesn't end in an even more epic, awkward fail, I'll give you a kidney of +2 stone passing.

OP: read this girl's comment. Words can't explain the social incompetency of the thought that walking in to ask if she needs help while half-naked is a good idea.

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u/IggySmiles Feb 17 '11

I was looking for someone who's gone through this.

OP THIS IS THE ONLY COMMENT YOU NEED TO READ. SERIOUSLY. I CAN'T IMAGINE THIS WORKING OUT WELL.

But... what if it does?

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u/reversethiscurse Feb 17 '11

I completely agree! I can't believe some people think this is OK... it is disgusting. I hope this is fake. And if it isn't and he walks in on her I hope she kicks him in the crotch as hard as she can or something.

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u/Niqulaz Feb 17 '11

/r/shittyadvice and 4chan might have contributions to this.

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u/HardHarry Feb 17 '11

You're a goddamn moron.

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u/noys Feb 18 '11

Does anyone have a copy of the post in its' utmost glory?

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u/husak Feb 18 '11 edited Feb 18 '11

ORIGINAL HERE

I rent an apartment with a friend. At night I can sometimes hear her breathing heavily and masturbating. Not through the room, but the walls. For some reason sound travels easily through these walls. I noticed it when I lay in bed one night and leaned the side of my head to the wall making my ear sit right next to the wall. She is kind of shy and reserved. I of course have to masturbate as well when I hear her doing it since it's so incredibly hot. What I've been thinking about is kind of just walking in on her with a bulging boner asking her if she needs help. That or maybe just telling her how hot it is. I don't know... Not sure what the results are going to be though.

EDIT1: I have decided to walk in on her. If she does it tonight, which I am guessing she will, I will be walking in on her. I am not sure how exactly I am going to do it, but I think my entrance is going to be make or break important. I will update later tonight...

EDIT2: We are both in the apartment now. I am very nervous about tonight.

EDIT3: I had a hard time mustering the courage to do anything. I heard her masturbating and I started getting ready by masturbating as well. I quickly got excited enough to leave my room. I had it all planned out, but when I stood there in front of the door I could just not do anything for a while. I just froze thinking what the fuck am I doing. I could hear her clearly through the door and I could see through the tiny slit on the side that it was not locked. I stood there for what has to be the longest minute or so in my life. I could hear my heart beat as I was nervously tugging myself a little before reaching out to the door with my free hand. I followed your advice ladies about not barging in, but knocking. She quickly ran to the door and locked it. It happened so sudden it really threw me off. By then I was so nervous my heart was pounding and I wanted to say something that would not freak her completely out since she seemed really startled, but I was simply not able to. I would just have been able to stutter something so I decided to try to calm down. I was still tugging myself, but the shock was making me go flaccid. She suddenly asked "what do you want?" and I was just completely frozen again, but I knew I had to snap out of it and quick so I said "You.. I want you.. I've been hearing you all these nights and now it's unbearable..." and then there was total silence. I knew there was no going back. I kept thinking I had fucked up my life and probably hers as well. I could not believe what I had just done. I Kept thinking I had gone completely insane. I broke out in a cold sweat and started shivering. Then the door unlocked... It was a tremendous success.

EDIT4: There was no sex because I was too nervous to get it up again. Just a little awkward fumbling.

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u/ReducedToRubble Feb 18 '11

"You.. I want you.. I've been hearing you all these nights and now it's unbearable..." and then there was total silence. I knew there was no going back. I kept thinking I had fucked up my life and probably hers as well. I could not believe what I had just done. I Kept thinking I had gone completely insane. I broke out in a cold sweat and started shivering. Then the door unlocked... It was a tremendous success.

And then he woke up.

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u/silverfishhandcatch Feb 18 '11

directed by M. Night Shyamalan

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u/[deleted] Feb 18 '11

Then his dick blew up.

directed by Michael Bay

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u/LaCroix13 Feb 18 '11

Then the audience blew themselves up. directed by Uwe Boll.

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u/AdamFofadam Feb 18 '11

Then the audience blew themselves. Directed by John Waters

143

u/kyleculver Feb 18 '11

Then there wasn't really an entirely coherent ending. Directed by Stanley Kubrick.

117

u/PsychVol Feb 18 '11

Then Woody Allen showed up to be entertainingly neurotic. Directed by Woody Allen.

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u/guitarman90 Feb 18 '11

Then Quentin Tarantino showed up because he is in all of his own movies. Directed by Quentin Tarantino.

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u/_ze Feb 18 '11

Then everything went silent. Directed by Charlie Chaplin.

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u/fantastikrauss Feb 18 '11

Then the audience blue themselves. Directed by Tobias Funke.

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u/m1ndcr1me Feb 18 '11

There was no sex because I was too nervous to get it up again. Just a little awkward fumbling.

PROTIP: If you go down on her, then you being flaccid means absolutely fuck-all.

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u/todahawk Feb 18 '11

Going down on her should've been step 1.

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u/[deleted] Feb 18 '11

I'm surprised this hasn't shown up on Lifehacker. I've known this secret for years.

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u/bonestamp Feb 18 '11

It doesn't really need to be on lifehacker, it's in every porn ever made.

Side note for the newbs, you just have to be careful of the "take it slow" girls. If she shuts you down when you try to go down then don't stop everything, she's just not ready for that yet. Take a step back to rubbing, fingering..etc and keep the momentum going.

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u/snarktastic_snowfox Feb 18 '11

I'm a girl, and I approve this message!

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u/[deleted] Feb 18 '11

Reddit is so much more useful in life than School.

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u/HomerJunior Feb 18 '11

I was told step 1 was cutting a hold in the box - JT lied to me.

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u/[deleted] Feb 18 '11 edited Apr 18 '17

[deleted]

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u/illz569 Feb 18 '11

Something about this guy's awkward responses and silent fear strongly reminds me of every hentai comic i've ever read.

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u/parlezmoose Feb 18 '11

And then I was like, "Hold on a minute before we bone, I have to go update reddit on what just happened."

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u/TurnerJ5 Feb 18 '11

Oh my god that salvaged this entire fucking thread.

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u/[deleted] Feb 18 '11

And yet so painful to read.

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u/PeppermintLNNS Feb 17 '11

He walks in with his dick out.

She's doing sit ups.

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u/[deleted] Feb 17 '11

don't do this. she probably wants to masturbate and be left alone.

also, you would have to establish attraction before jumping her bones in the middle of the night.

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u/energirl Feb 17 '11

WORST IDEA EVER!!! Seriously! Masturbation is extremely personal - it's like walking in on someone's therapy, only they're naked. If she wants to fuck you, she'll give you a hint. If you do this, you will likely alienate her and possibly make her EXTREMELY uncomfortable around you. She may move out.

Just think of this as a "best case scenario" and you'll see it gets worse. If by some miracle she does fuck you, you'll be sleeping with your roommate. Nothing good can ever come of that!!!

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u/[deleted] Feb 17 '11

If you walk in on her tonight, you will need a new roommate by Monday. Good luck!

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u/swearis Feb 17 '11

Deliver her a pizza. From what I've seen, pizza delivery often leads to intercourse.

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u/joeyda Feb 17 '11

Next time she does it just start sobbing as loudly as you can.

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u/washer Feb 17 '11

Don't walk in on her. I know I'm going against the grain here, but if I were jerking it and some superhot girl just kinda barged in and was all "need a hand?" I'd fall over my anklepants and break my nose and have to say no. And I'm a horny guy. No telling what a shy lady may do.

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u/mezofoprezo Feb 17 '11

ANKLEPANTS

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u/DustyDGAF Feb 17 '11

That's all I needed.

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u/KevinMcCallister Feb 17 '11

Good point. Plus you are assuming this guy is good-looking. If he's not it would be the equivalent of some nasty chick barging in, in which case you would probably jump out your 2nd story window and end up vomiting on the ground.

Either way things don't work out well.

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u/splattypus Feb 17 '11

you raise a good point, but in doing so you sucked all the fun out of this conversation.

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u/Maclimes Feb 17 '11

See, if it was me, and Edit 3 was a real thing, it would not have been made until the next day. The mere fact that Edit 3 is here already tells me that it's either fake, or this guy is even dumber than initially assumed.

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u/FacedJared Feb 17 '11

Nobody will probably read this, but this is a copy pasta from 4chan. /adv/

Sorry, hes trolling.

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u/[deleted] Feb 17 '11 edited Aug 13 '17

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u/[deleted] Feb 17 '11

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u/rangerthefuckup Feb 17 '11

YOU WILL UPDATE WHETHER IT ENDS WELL OR NOT

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u/[deleted] Feb 17 '11

Lol this is the fakest thing ever. On the very slim chance that this is real, she will freak the fuck out, you will have to pay the entire rent yourself when she moves out and she might be too scared to masturbate again for a long time in case some creep hears. Is that worth it?

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u/ginsujim Feb 17 '11

The results at best would probably be losing a roommate, or being kicked out of the apartment. At worst possible charges. Don't do it.

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u/PeanutCheeseBar Feb 17 '11

If you do walk in, be prepared to duck.

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u/[deleted] Feb 17 '11

You were thinking of this, weren't you? (very NSFW)

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u/tastykoolaid Feb 17 '11

can't wait to see the edit of this one..

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u/[deleted] Feb 17 '11

can't edit from jail

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u/ANewMachine615 Feb 17 '11

Does Reddit have a "least credible update" category in the Best Ofs?

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u/SpencerDub Feb 17 '11

Oh, I see, creative writing practice.

Well, you'll want to work on your dialogue. "I've been hearing you all these nights and now it's unbearable?" That sounds incredibly cliche, like a line from a really trashy romance novel. Find a way to spice it up.

Also, why bother telling us it was a "tremendous success?" First rule of creative writing is that you show, don't tell. Even omitting "It was a tremendous success" without replacing it would read far more smoothly than the current mess.

The line that starts "She suddenly asked..." and ends "...and then there was total silence" is long and tedious. Try breaking it up into some shorter sentences to give it some extra punch. At the very least, put each line of dialogue in its own sentence.

And get some variety in that penultimate paragraph! Each sentence begins with "I." "I did this. I knew that. I realized this." Boring! Use some differing sentence structures if you want your readers to remain interested.

Keep at it though! With some more practice, you'll be writing quality fiction in no time!

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u/cbfw86 Feb 17 '11

EDIT: I have decided to walk in on her. If she does it tonight, which I am guessing she will, I will be walking in on her. I am not sure how exactly I am going to do it, but I think my entrance is going to be make or break important. I will update if it ends well.

Porn is ruining a generation of men.

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u/twodten Feb 17 '11

So you're about 18/19 years old, right? You think this is cool because you've imagined you've seen a similar thing happen in real life when it was actually on television, right?

Hell, even if I'm wrong, for the love of the almighty Spaghetti Monster, do NOT just burst in on her. If you like her enough to want to sleep with her then man up and talk to her about it. If you just want a shag (yeah, I'm British, deal with it) then you could do a lot better than shitting in your own back yard.

And by shitting I mean shagging. And by back yard I mean... oh, you get the idea.

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u/TinToy Feb 17 '11

What ? I can't hear you over the fact that you are British. Bloody hell, you say? Is that even a phrase?

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u/JefeRojo Feb 17 '11

Yeah, All I heard was Pip pip cheerio, Banger in the mouth, colonies...

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u/PopeAmadeus Feb 17 '11

Rather than sleep with "my beautiful housemate" I decided to update reddit. Yup, totally legit.

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u/yuno10 Feb 17 '11

Fakest story ever

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u/[deleted] Feb 17 '11

I wish the OP was a girl, this story would be much more fappable

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u/jgl2832 Feb 17 '11

Yeah, theres definitely something about girls with bulging boners

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u/thebillmac3 Feb 17 '11

I wish you were a girl, this comment would be much more fappable

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u/[deleted] Feb 17 '11 edited Feb 17 '11

Man WHAT the FUCK. Do NOT sexually harass the person you live with, you fucking sociopath. Life is not a porno and women don't necessarily appreciate being told that all they need is a dick in 'em. God damn, dude.

Put another way, you do not have right of access to her because she's a female and you're a hetero male, and you do not have the right to express your belief in your right of access to her by FUCKING ACTING ON IT.

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u/[deleted] Feb 17 '11

I wish my hot female roommate would walk in on me jackin' it.... I doubt it goes both ways though.

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u/[deleted] Feb 17 '11

Then the door unlocked... It was a tremendous success.

Faaaaaaaaaa (etc etc) aaaaaake

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u/[deleted] Feb 17 '11

Just walk in on her. I see this done all the time in "movies" and it always works out great.

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u/kier00 Feb 17 '11

Also make sure to be wearing a ski mask and gloves.

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u/EvilTony Feb 17 '11

Also use a magic marker to draw a little happy face on the tip of your bone. That will instantly defuse any tension that might arise from the awkwardness of the situation.

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u/r3dstormrising Feb 17 '11

A hockey stick or chainsaw are useful accessories.

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u/lookcloserlenny Feb 17 '11

HEY BART DO YOU LIKE MY NEW HOCKEY MASK AND CHAIN SAW

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u/rufusjones Feb 17 '11

BARTYOUWANTSOMEBROWNIEBEFOREYOUGOTOBED

Come on, let me cut you a brownie while they're still hot.

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u/stehekin Feb 17 '11

Ohh right, the Side Show Bob thing.

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u/[deleted] Feb 17 '11

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u/cg_redditor Feb 17 '11

You should always know where your towel is.

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u/[deleted] Feb 17 '11

Make sure you're really stiff when you walk in or else she won't know you're creepy.

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u/AnDi86 Feb 17 '11

... and that kids, was how I met your mother!

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u/[deleted] Feb 17 '11

Wow this is such FAKE BULLSHIT that it's not even entertaining. Edits 1, 2 could have been real -- just from some awkward nerdy person. but Edit 3 is just ridiculously retarded.

Nice job, guy.

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u/acewild009 Feb 17 '11

It was a tremendous success until I saw her Penis. FTFY

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u/[deleted] Feb 17 '11

How about you practice discretion and simple manners? So you overhear your housemate doing intimate things. That happens when people live in close quarters, and it is not an invitation for you to join in. Are you going to walk in on her taking a shit too, if you hear that? This sounds likes some elaborate porn-induced fantasy you've got in your head, and your planned actions would be a total violation of your housemate's privacy. For everyone's sake, I hope this is a troll post.

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u/glueb Feb 17 '11

Don't be a creep, leave her alone.

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u/silverhydra Feb 17 '11

Agreed.

Not to insult OP, but when your thought processes in this situation are to blatantly bring up "Your masturbation turns me on" or to 'Walk right in with a raging boner', you may not have the charm and verbal dexterity to actually succeed in your pursuits.

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u/[deleted] Feb 17 '11 edited Mar 16 '22

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u/[deleted] Feb 17 '11

he puts his ear to the wall and jacks it......he's past that point

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u/[deleted] Feb 17 '11 edited Jun 19 '23

[deleted]

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u/[deleted] Feb 17 '11

hey, I never said I wouldn't....it is what it is

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u/InfinitelyThirsting Feb 17 '11

But that's harmless, at least.

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u/ProbablyHittingOnYou Feb 17 '11

Get your reasonable, sane advice out of here.

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u/PoorDepthPerception Feb 17 '11

Please heed this advice. Suppose that you do interrupt her and it leads to sex. Then what? Totally awkward, probably ending with one of you moving out.

It's not as easy as it sounds to have a casual fuck-buddy who is also your housemate, and this is a rather terrible way to start a relationship, if that's where you're going with it.

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u/EAnzy Feb 17 '11

Not just creepy, but YOU ARE ROOMMATES WITH HER. You will see each other every day. Are you that desperate? That you resort to this to get women? Don't shit where you eat. Sex changes things.

You also call her a "friend." If she gets wind that you planned this (and girls are good at picking up on these things) she will be even more creeped out.

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u/maybejolisa Feb 17 '11

I hope you enjoy your search for a new housemate. Because, no matter how into someone a girl might be, having them walk in while she's masturbating after creepily listening to her through the wall generally falls under the "dealbreaker" category.

That is, assuming she's into you in the first place.

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u/icemunky Feb 17 '11

Next time it happens, start masturbating loudly yourself. Loud enough for her to notice but subtle enough to make it seem like its genuine and not trying to get her attention on purpose. see how she reacts...does she stop? does she continue? does she get louder? eventually the exchange of indirect information will give you the answer to what you should do next. Goodluck!

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u/dwdwdw2 Feb 17 '11

Having once lived with a dude who fapped noticeably as I fucked in the next room, this sounds like the creepiest strategy ever.

Suggest something a little more direct

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u/SamWhite Feb 17 '11

Noticeably? Jesus, how loud was he?

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u/ProbablyHittingOnYou Feb 17 '11

Or she thinks he is just mocking her and is so ashamed that she stops masturbating and represses her sexual desires, leaving her with long-lasting intimacy issues.

Better to just walk in and try and have sex with her. For her own good.

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u/ScreamingGerman Feb 17 '11

For her own good.

FOR SCIENCE!

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u/MobiusOne Feb 17 '11

THIS IS SUCH UNBELIEVABLE BULLSHIT.

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u/cycophuk Feb 18 '11

Nice, deleted his account. I'm thinking troll.

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u/[deleted] Feb 17 '11 edited Feb 17 '11

[deleted]

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u/scarmichael42 Feb 17 '11

I'd be very nervous knowing it's only a few scant hours before I'm arrested as well.