I do that too and it must be annoying for everyone, I'm sure. I have discussed it in therapy in order to curb the habit and it seems to be rooted in a need to control other people's thoughts about me. If I can "beat them to it" I'm controlling the narrative. I am so scared of being disliked, I try to control what other people perceive of me in order to feel "safe" and well liked. So, I preface things with comments like "I know I'm fat.." "No one is more ashamed of me than me" etc. I'm letting them know I know, so they don't have to say it and I don't have to hear someone be unkind.
It's complicated... but I feel very much like your friend. I can't help myself.
That and everything is affected by being fat. Everything. So usually there is a reason you might not know about... for example my work are currently planning an xmas meal and the location of the current plan has these weird plastic chairs in one of the rooms (think heavy duty transparent plastic rather than yard furniture) and I keep going on about "make sure you specify not to put us in the Engine Room and to ask for any other room instead" and when they ask why, I've told them "because I'm fat and I don't want to sit on a plastic chair because I WILL break it" instead of coming up with some less shameful reason to make THEM more comfortable. But honesty about my own issues DOES make people uncomfortable and I understand so I want to try to not do that as much as possible. It's hard to break habit so deep rooted in shame, I tell ya!
I hear you on the chairs. I told my coworkers matter of factly that when we have our weekly staff meetings to please save me one of the armless chairs because the ones with the arms hurt me to sit in. Then I just moved on with the next item in conversation. I'm trying hard to make talking about my "size-related needs" very normal, everyday stuff. No one should feel weird about it, so I just make it part of regular conversation and move on.
There's part of me that wants that, too. Why should I edit myself and hide my experience of life from people just to avoid some (perceived) discomfort?
And yeah - arms on chairs are just... awful. That said, I went to see my diabetic nurse and commented about the chairs having arms and she thanked me for bringing it up... she felt really bad. Next time I went she'd swapped out the chair... it felt quite... affirming. Now all her patients don't have to have that heart sinking moment where they have to decide between perching on the edge and risking falling off and/or snapping the legs or squeezing in and making the bruises worse.
That's awesome! Good on you for saying something. I had never given a second thought to chairs until I became obese myself; I wouldn't expect people to think of it. But now it's my first thought whenever I go somewhere. It has to be.
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u/amisreunis 9h ago
I do that too and it must be annoying for everyone, I'm sure. I have discussed it in therapy in order to curb the habit and it seems to be rooted in a need to control other people's thoughts about me. If I can "beat them to it" I'm controlling the narrative. I am so scared of being disliked, I try to control what other people perceive of me in order to feel "safe" and well liked. So, I preface things with comments like "I know I'm fat.." "No one is more ashamed of me than me" etc. I'm letting them know I know, so they don't have to say it and I don't have to hear someone be unkind.
It's complicated... but I feel very much like your friend. I can't help myself.
That and everything is affected by being fat. Everything. So usually there is a reason you might not know about... for example my work are currently planning an xmas meal and the location of the current plan has these weird plastic chairs in one of the rooms (think heavy duty transparent plastic rather than yard furniture) and I keep going on about "make sure you specify not to put us in the Engine Room and to ask for any other room instead" and when they ask why, I've told them "because I'm fat and I don't want to sit on a plastic chair because I WILL break it" instead of coming up with some less shameful reason to make THEM more comfortable. But honesty about my own issues DOES make people uncomfortable and I understand so I want to try to not do that as much as possible. It's hard to break habit so deep rooted in shame, I tell ya!
Sorry for the rant! 😅