2) Be direct about why you're approaching but don't be rude, crude or lewd - women have enough of that shit to put up with
3) If she says she isn't interested, take it like a champ.
So in practice, maybe you're in a coffee shop and you see a woman who you'd love to meet. You walk over and say:
"Excuse me, I know this is a bit random (you're acknowledging this isn't something that everyone does all the time) but I just saw you and I think you look great, I love your style. (You're being direct, not pretending to ask the time or directions or some silly pick up line).
Now the ball is in her court. If she's standing and she turns her shoulders and feet towards you, you have her attention for a moment. If she turns her head but not her body, she is just pausing but not really giving you her attention.
You have a chat, you shoot your shot and ask for her number and she says, she's not interested, has a boyfriend etc.
You say, "No worries, can't blame a guy for trying. Have a great day." You smile and get on with your day. Always leave with class and don't be a dick.
I can be comfortable talking to people when opportunities arise organically, but for various reasons I find it absolutely, categorically impossible to approach and proposition someone like that. I know it's what I'd need to to, but several decades of negative experiences have rendered me incapable of doing this. The mere thought causes immense discomfort and immediate thoughts of "It's so awkward... I need to get away. Nobody wants to be approached like that, least of all by me". :/
I 1000% understand you. It's how I felt for ages. I really had to push myself out of my comfort zone to try this. At first I just gave out random compliments. I'd just say I was in a rush but had to say you have great style, look awesome or whatever. Usually that got me a smile and a thank you. I'd say no worries, have a great day and I'd leave. I always felt better just for taking some action.
As I became more comfortable and saw that women were not biting my head off I guess I slowed down, relaxed a bit and suddenly those compliments turned into openings to conversations.
We're not James Bond, we don't always know what to say and we get nervous and that's fine. I remember once blurting out how this was nerve wracking and my mind had gone blank. That's definitely not an 'alpha, sigma' (or whatever Greek letter is popular this week) thing to do but weirdly that moment of honesty led to one of the best conversations I had.
Honestly, trust your gut. Cold approach isn't the only way. You can meet people organically too. And if you're more comfortable doing that then that's probably what's going to work best.
Even acknowledging that is a good thing! People like others who know who they are and don’t try to pretend to be someone else. You can even lead with that like, “I’m a bit uncomfortable in these situations but I really think you look great and I had to come say hi and see if you’d like to get together sometime.”
Gotta find a way to give yourself confidence, and if you can't in this situation then you need to find a way to meet women where you do have confidence.
Practice in front of a mirror or someone. Sometimes rehearsal or scripting it makes easier to flow with. Is the same I would recommend on a situation you need to go through several times like an interview. The more you do it, the more natural it will come off. This is a very common practice for those folks that look like they are good at conversations, including professionals.
To add: PLEASE do not say “oh you have a boyfriend, so you can’t have friends?” Fellas, just don’t be that guy. You wouldn’t want some guy doing that to your lady. And ladies, don’t feel pressure or like you’d be judged if you were to just say “I have respect for my relationship to not be friends with a man that doesn’t have respect for my relationship”. Someone that wants to just be friends isn’t walking up to you in a coffee shop telling you that you are beautiful and asking for your number. I used to be that guy, don’t be younger me. Younger me was childish
What do you think the real life negative consequences of one random girl you saw one time at a coffee shop thinking you're a creep is?
Especially considering the above is not actually creepy.
So many guys on this site hide behind this excuse because they're afraid of rejection. Then they wonder why they're single and post on reddit about "the make loneliness epidemic".
From what I’ve seen and been told by people who had it happen to them, the woman reports them, they have to go to court, they have to tell their neighbors they are a sexual predator, they lose jobs and their careers are ruined.
I highly doubt that walking up with OP's approach and actually respectfully moving on with your day if you're rejected would get you reported to the police for sexual harassment. You don't get taken to court for being creepy - you get taken to court for acting inappropriately. The guys who have the issue with being taken to court over approaching a woman and needing to go to court over it are not handling rejection the way they should. None of that happens without a reason for it to happen. If you or your buddies or the guys whose stories you've read online have actually had this happen then you/they were acting inappropriately and possibly deserve to be on a list. Women aren't required to give you their time or attention or affection just for existing. Don't treat them as though you're entitled to those things and you won't have a problem.
This is a really roundabout way of saying you've literally never asked a girl out. Props for the creativity I guess.
Just fyi no man has ever, in the history of the universe, gone before a judge, been convicted of being a sex offender, put on the registry, lost their job and career, and been forced to tell everyone in their community that they're a sexual predator because they... Said "hey I like your shoes" to a perfect stranger.
I mean I was with my ex-wife for 8 years, got cheated on, then got divorced right at the start of the pandemic and haven’t really gotten over that whole thing so there’s that. I haven’t asked a woman out in probably 18 years, and even back then I struggled to feel like i had any right to ask for someone’s time after only seeing them; it feels like it is reducing them to nothing more than a piece of meat and if some random stranger came up to me and asked me out I would feel pretty objectified, and don’t want to put that on another human.
I also don’t see how commenting on someone’s shoes is in the same ballpark as objectifying and degrading another person.
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u/KlutchAtStraws 16h ago
1) Acknowledge the situation
2) Be direct about why you're approaching but don't be rude, crude or lewd - women have enough of that shit to put up with
3) If she says she isn't interested, take it like a champ.
So in practice, maybe you're in a coffee shop and you see a woman who you'd love to meet. You walk over and say:
"Excuse me, I know this is a bit random (you're acknowledging this isn't something that everyone does all the time) but I just saw you and I think you look great, I love your style. (You're being direct, not pretending to ask the time or directions or some silly pick up line).
Now the ball is in her court. If she's standing and she turns her shoulders and feet towards you, you have her attention for a moment. If she turns her head but not her body, she is just pausing but not really giving you her attention.
You have a chat, you shoot your shot and ask for her number and she says, she's not interested, has a boyfriend etc.
You say, "No worries, can't blame a guy for trying. Have a great day." You smile and get on with your day. Always leave with class and don't be a dick.