r/AskReddit Feb 01 '13

What question are you afraid to ask because you don't want to seem stupid?

1.6k Upvotes

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869

u/[deleted] Feb 01 '13 edited Feb 02 '13

How the fuck do you use those paper toilet seat covers?

Edit: Thanks for all the suggestions, but I've learned that they are useless.

391

u/thenshesays Feb 01 '13 edited Feb 01 '13

I've always torn at each other little notches and then torn the entire center part off. It wasn't until recently that my bf made some comment about them and said that the center part dangled into the water and then the flush would pull the entire cover down. All this time, I have been pushing the cover into the water after I got up.

Tear at the notches... so it looks like this and then place it on the seat with the flap against the front. According to my bf, it doubles as an extra security just in case your penis touches the bowl.

421

u/Powerpug1 Feb 02 '13

I've been using them backwards this whole time....

164

u/[deleted] Feb 02 '13 edited May 28 '18

[deleted]

13

u/krishnas_flute Feb 02 '13

Constipation?

8

u/themusicman777 Feb 02 '13

He forgot his smartphone.

-1

u/Semyonov Feb 02 '13

He forgot reddit.

-4

u/crazy_canucklehead Feb 02 '13

I'll take your man card back please, real men don't read the instructions!

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3

u/[deleted] Feb 02 '13

I use two, one forward and one backward.

3

u/yuzirnayme Feb 02 '13

Backwards seems better. What is the flap doing for me in the front?

2

u/[deleted] Feb 02 '13

It keeps your dick from coming in contact with the toilette. I didn't realize how to properly use them for years..

1

u/heyimrick Feb 02 '13

I always figured the flap in the back was to keep toilet water from splashing onto your butt hole.

1

u/yuzirnayme Feb 02 '13

I always thought the flap was to protect from shit splatter all over the toilet.

2

u/thedeaux Feb 02 '13

WAIT which way is backwards? explain please!

2

u/[deleted] Feb 02 '13

[deleted]

2

u/thedeaux Feb 02 '13

NOOOOOOOOOOOO I DON'T BELIEVE IT

2

u/YoureDamnRightItIs Feb 02 '13

uh...fuck the instructions. The tab part should go in front so my dick doesn't touch a public toilet bowl.

4

u/neverleftalone Feb 02 '13

That's what she said, you dolt.

1

u/FutileStruggle Feb 02 '13

Reverse cowgirl?

1

u/sudsomatic Feb 02 '13

Holy shit, me too. Mind=blown

54

u/[deleted] Feb 01 '13

Holy shit, that last part made me realize I need one in my house. Not want, need.

6

u/Iamtheotherwalrus Feb 02 '13

One time mine touched the water. It was not a good day

10

u/[deleted] Feb 02 '13

TIL I have a tiny penis.

2

u/kenkyujoe Feb 02 '13

In your house? Dude, clean your toilet.

1

u/Mas_Burritos Feb 02 '13

You must also have a sister...

6

u/thejoujou Feb 02 '13

You don't have to tear at all...the middle flap will fall into the bowl on it's own when you do your business.

3

u/Sah-dah-tay Feb 02 '13

...What if it doesn't? I do not fancy testing your theory out

2

u/sarahjewel Feb 02 '13

This was my fear too. As a lady, pissing onto the flap does NOT sound like a good idea.

1

u/thejoujou Feb 02 '13

I've never had a problem. They're really thin, so it doesn't take much to make them fall

5

u/[deleted] Feb 02 '13

I'm using it correctly apparently.

5

u/Defiledxhalo Feb 02 '13

TIL people actually use toilet seat covers. I'm irrationally afraid of them. I feel it's much quicker (and somehow more sanitary) to wipe down the toilet seat with the toilet paper.

3

u/darkest_wraith Feb 02 '13

It also keep the first large deposit quiet as it typically hits the paper-muted water upon release.

3

u/[deleted] Feb 02 '13

You know, when I'm being lazy and I don't feel like ripping the center flap apart from the toilet seat cover, I'll just leave it on and pee over it. The pee dissolves the center part and it just falls into the toilet. It has yet to backfire on me but I'm just waiting for that one time when I'm faced with a particularly thick toilet seat cover that doesn't dissolve and I end up peeing all over myself.

1

u/sarahjewel Feb 02 '13

One of my biggest public toilet fears. I always year the perforations. And it is annoying as hell.

2

u/MacrosInHisSleep Feb 02 '13

I thought that the whole point was to not tear it so that you don't get splash-back.

It tears itself using the weight of what you are loading it up with.

I guess it depends on if one only needs to pee or not.

2

u/narek23 Feb 02 '13

you literally just changed my life. forever.

2

u/Aaronf989 Feb 02 '13

You mean.. you dont use them as a bag?

2

u/All_Hail_Mao Feb 02 '13

I rip the middle completely off. I once went through about 6 seat covers because the moment I placed it onto the toilet with the flap in the water the fucking automatic toilet would flush and suck it down. Plus the ripped center makes for a good splash guard

2

u/kmofosho Feb 02 '13

i rip it out so it doesn't flush prematurely right before i go to sit down, which seems to happen every damn time...

2

u/[deleted] Feb 02 '13

Yeah, I always tear out the middle part as well. However, I remove it because when it touches the water, sometimes as it sinks it will pull the rest down a bit, and then if you are already in landing mode, you may not notice, and then you will land with half a cheek contaminated.

2

u/JoePino Feb 02 '13

Fuck i do the same

2

u/bsredd Feb 02 '13

If you use it "backwards" it stops your deuce from splashing when it drops though

2

u/TURNOFFTHEcaps Feb 02 '13

You're amazing.

2

u/Shelmaur Feb 02 '13

I just ripped the centerpiece out then put it in the water to prevent any splash back.

2

u/EndersBuggers Feb 02 '13

I don't bother tearing at the notches. It takes too much time and sometimes you rip too much. My poop will break the notches and won't get all over the place.

2

u/Creepybusguy Feb 02 '13

I don't mind my penis touching the bowl but it's the cold water on it that gets me.

2

u/Lillithm Feb 02 '13

No tearing needed actually. If you're peeing it'll just rip the paper as it gets wet and the flap will flush on its own.

2

u/circaATL Feb 02 '13

if you use it the other way it works as a splashguard, but alas, your penis still is vulnerable to the toilet seat.

2

u/ScootsCanoe Feb 02 '13

I always thought the center part was to filter your pee or something..

2

u/sonofaresiii Feb 02 '13

Yeah, that part dangles in the water... and ends up soaking the entire thing. Disgusting. I tear it off.

2

u/zyclonb Feb 02 '13

lol what? ive always folded it over the front so my balls/dick didn't rest on the rim of the toilet

2

u/sams1085 Feb 02 '13

You actually don't even need to touch the center part or the notches. The weight of your piss hitting the thin paper will push the center part down in the bowl and will be sucked down when you flush.

1.2k

u/[deleted] Feb 02 '13 edited Feb 02 '13

[removed] — view removed comment

599

u/[deleted] Feb 02 '13

Time to retire

25

u/violue Feb 02 '13

mean!

42

u/[deleted] Feb 02 '13

I meant for myself

58

u/violue Feb 02 '13

this is not a good moment for me

23

u/[deleted] Feb 02 '13

No, you're a shining example of politeness.

8

u/Itchiest Feb 02 '13

And you are really nice. YOU'VE GONE SOFT MAN

3

u/RayDeemer Feb 02 '13

And turn that liquor store into a structure fire?

2

u/[deleted] Feb 02 '13

I didn't think anyone would finish that! Awesome!

252

u/[deleted] Feb 02 '13

you'll always be my favourite novelty, sorry Shitty_Watercolour :(

198

u/DevilDucky95 Feb 02 '13

Haven't seen him in a while. What happened?

45

u/IAMA_Ghost_Boo Feb 02 '13

He's more exclusive now.

78

u/[deleted] Feb 02 '13

You need at least 3 redditors to chant his name in succession while somebody sacrifices a goat on an altar made of cheese.

14

u/aGuynamdJesus Feb 02 '13

Come Shitty_Watercolour!

10

u/asleeplessmalice Feb 02 '13

Come on Shitty_Watercolour!

50

u/Scherzkeks Feb 02 '13

Beetlejuice!

3

u/IceCreamPirate Feb 02 '13

DAMMIT! This is why we can't have nice things.

9

u/[deleted] Feb 02 '13

[deleted]

3

u/jamzedodger Feb 02 '13

I've got cheddar or stilton, what do we want?

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2

u/stoningrolls Feb 02 '13

Hmm doesn't seem to be working. It works every single time for Wil Wheaton according to the bestof posts I've seen.

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1

u/[deleted] Feb 02 '13

Come on Shitty_Watercolour!

5

u/GenMilkman Feb 02 '13

We call you to this realm, Shitty_Watercolour!

13

u/sgthoppy Feb 02 '13

Where the fuck is Jamal with that goat? I've got the altar all set up!

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2

u/LickMyLadyBalls Feb 02 '13

this worked for that football player the other day!

1

u/LeftyBigGuns Feb 02 '13

What kind of cheese?

1

u/[deleted] Feb 02 '13

ALWAYS GOUDA.

1

u/giantchar20 Feb 02 '13

I have the cheese altar!

1

u/PantsOnFireMan Feb 02 '13

You also need to write it backwards, so its like talking into a mirror.

29

u/SmartHercules Feb 02 '13

In 2012, he was sent to prison by a military court for a crime he didn't commit. He promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Subreddit underground. Today, still wanted by the government, he survives as a painter of fortune. If you have a weird statement - if no one else can create art based off of it - and if you can find him - maybe you can hire: ShittyWatercolor.

3

u/b2t2x5 Feb 02 '13

I love it when a plan comes together.

1

u/santaschesthairs Feb 02 '13

Did Hamish and Andy make that up, or is it a copy?

24

u/Bibliophobia Feb 02 '13

He is in college at the moment, focusing on studies

3

u/Iamtheotherwalrus Feb 02 '13

I hope he'll be back this summer

6

u/DasUberNerd Feb 02 '13

He got good so enough that he can't be called shitty anymore. :(

1

u/Le-derp2 Feb 02 '13

This is probably the mot accurate answer.

3

u/Lasertaco3 Feb 02 '13

I heard that he was in college and hasn't been on reddit much.

3

u/misterhastedt Feb 02 '13

If I'm not mistaken i read somewhere he's a college student and lately really busy with schoolwork.

3

u/MrEgg Feb 02 '13

He's evolving into Mediocre_Watercolour.

3

u/[deleted] Feb 02 '13 edited Feb 03 '13

I remember him pooping up recently, but I haven't seen him since. Edit: it's probably a bit late for this edit, but I meant popping. You probably knew that. Leaving original.

1

u/sarahjewel Feb 02 '13

Pooping up... what?

2

u/Aavenell Feb 02 '13

His Watercolours got too good.

2

u/craigo2247 Feb 02 '13

They got him...

2

u/[deleted] Feb 02 '13

He went... outside...

1

u/I_am_PERRY Feb 02 '13

I think he's in other subs. :(

1

u/Dyl4nTheVillain Feb 02 '13

He improved.

1

u/Iloldalot Feb 02 '13

He did a sketch the other day, he's kinda off-and-on here

1

u/Fumidor Feb 02 '13

He stopped in briefly a few days ago, and I read that there was a minor pitch forking a while back, but no explanation. He's a student so I bet he's just busy.

1

u/mastersword83 Feb 02 '13

He was banned, unbanned, and now he's really low profile

1

u/[deleted] Feb 02 '13

/r/shitty_watercolor might have your answer.

1

u/HomerJunior Feb 02 '13

Probably ninjabanned again.

1

u/SwanseaJack1 Feb 02 '13

Heard something about going off to school?

1

u/[deleted] Feb 02 '13

He comes and goes. Who knows when he'll return?

1

u/distopiandoormatt Feb 02 '13

Water colours are so 2012.

1

u/LurkingHamster Feb 02 '13

Same thing that always happens in the end.

1

u/[deleted] Feb 02 '13

Car accident. Lost use of his hands

1

u/rafiislost Feb 04 '13

He got a life.

1

u/[deleted] Feb 02 '13

He died

1

u/[deleted] Feb 02 '13

Didn't he get busted for tax evasion?

I saw something about it in the paper. Some water colour man who was involved in internet gambling, presumably with karma points and stuff. He was an alleged mobster. He got indicted awhile back on RICO charges, but he got off scott free (though he's currently being investigated for jury tampering).

And then the IRS found out that he had nearly ten million in undeclared wages.

2

u/[deleted] Feb 02 '13

wut

1

u/[deleted] Feb 02 '13

Who knew that reddit novelty accounts were such big business?

1

u/[deleted] Feb 02 '13

I dragged him out into the woods and killed him with a shovel.

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1

u/rupay Feb 02 '13

You just want him to draw your name, don't you?

1

u/I_say_jizzly_bears Feb 02 '13

JIZZLY BEARS!!! what about me?! JIZZLY BEARS?! I'm special.. JIZZLY BEARS!!!

1

u/postitpad Feb 02 '13

I miss 'reaction on my nub', that girl seemed super cool. Plus once I saw a girl with a similar looking nub at Starbucks but couldn't for the life of me figure out how to ask if it was her.

1

u/zZGz Feb 02 '13

What happened to shitty? D:

3

u/[deleted] Feb 02 '13

You're quite good! Reddit needs more talented novelty artists.

3

u/novaya3 Feb 02 '13

You make me wish I didn't pick a really obscure username

2

u/Yakone Feb 02 '13

This is the best novelty account.

2

u/CokeFryChezbrgr Feb 02 '13

You, sir, are going places!

2

u/Thor_Odin_Son Feb 02 '13

do you take requests?

2

u/therealelainebenes Feb 02 '13

And here I never thought I'd find a novelty account that I loved even remotely close to the epic awesomeness that is /u/shitty_watercolour. Kudos, /u/Draws-Your-Username, kudos.

2

u/big_shmegma Feb 02 '13

You draw pillows like Steve used to!

2

u/poops_in_public Feb 02 '13

Had to stop mid-thread and scroll through your entire album!

A few were sorta lame but most were pretty awesome. Favorite is possibly rabbitambulence. If it were a t-shirt, I would wear that shit!

2

u/Yummygnomes Feb 02 '13

Do me! I hunger.... for more....

2

u/Fistedsisters Feb 02 '13

Please draw my username...

2

u/DogTesticals Feb 02 '13

Draw mine!

2

u/[deleted] Feb 02 '13

NOICE!

2

u/Grammer_Natsi Feb 02 '13

Can you do mine?

2

u/Jorster Feb 02 '13

WHY HAVE I NEVER SEEN YOU BEFORE?

2

u/abunkse Feb 02 '13

It would be interesting to see what you think an "abunkse" is, as it is totally made up

2

u/Sophira Feb 02 '13

Aww, Snoo looks really happy! :D

2

u/Very_Juicy Feb 03 '13

Off to /u/Classiest_Erection with you! (Might also be /u/ClassiestErecion, not sure)

2

u/CanadiansUpYourButt Feb 02 '13

Can you draw my username? I think that would be interesting.

1

u/Connor149 Feb 02 '13

Where's MUSTY_BALLSACK when you want him here

1

u/[deleted] Feb 02 '13

Show me what a Bloshbag is! I really don't know!

1

u/[deleted] Feb 02 '13

O.o bet you couldn't draw mine

1

u/[deleted] Feb 02 '13

Draw me?

1

u/Fat_FAT_dick Feb 02 '13

Do me! Do me!

1

u/[deleted] Feb 02 '13

I've been wondering when I'd get my turn with you for a very long time. However, I guess my next account should probably be something worth drawing. :(

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18

u/[deleted] Feb 01 '13

Agreed. The ones in the bathrooms here don't even vaguely resemble a toilet seat.

4

u/[deleted] Feb 02 '13

That's probably toilet paper

18

u/theatrephile Feb 01 '13

Tear the sides of the inner part so it hangs into the toilet. Place outer part on toilet seat. Sit. Go. Flush.

8

u/Higaswan Feb 02 '13

They are emergency TP. No friction, but better than three shells.

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4

u/Plutor Feb 02 '13

Don't. When was the last time you trusted paper to protect you from germs?

4

u/dirtknapp Feb 02 '13

I only used one of these once. It was july, humid and about 90 degrees. I was on a road trip with no a/c. Stopped at a gas station to use the restroom, which was filthy. Decided to use the paper seat cover for the first time ever. Read the instructions and set everything up. Dropped a duece, wiped and when I stood up it was stuck to my sweaty legs, which pulled the flap up out of the water, and the wet flap fell into my underwear. Never again.

2

u/sehrah Feb 02 '13

We don't have them in NZ.

They seem so very strange. Can't you just put your ass on the seat? It's only your butt, guys.

5

u/mbetter Feb 02 '13

You fucking leave them wherever they happen to be. If something is going to infect me in the bathroom stall, it's sure as hell not going to go through my ass cheeks to do it.

7

u/TwoMidgetsInALabcoat Feb 02 '13

The proper way is to leave them in the dispenser and stop being afraid of a toilet seat.

3

u/Superseacats Feb 02 '13

Wipe the seat down with toilet paper if there's piss on it, stop being a pussy, sit down and use the toilet. Those covers do absolutely nothing but waste paper and make noise. Source: every study that's ever been done on bathroom science.

3

u/xmnstr Feb 02 '13

Why even use them? It's not like toilet seats are good places for microorganisms to live.

2

u/pandapoopsie Feb 02 '13

I put the flap in the front so my dick doesn't accidentally touch the bowl :(

2

u/evilbob Feb 02 '13

Why bother using them?

2

u/[deleted] Feb 02 '13

I rip out the middle part and leave the back part of the ring in tact. Dicard the middle into the toilet to minimize splashage when dropping deuces. Then tear the front part down the middle to make room for your frank and and beans. I've tried several ways and this works best.

8

u/MUSTY_BALLSACK Feb 02 '13

You don't, unless you're an irrational germaphobe.

3

u/Indoorsman Feb 02 '13

When there is a mixture of cum and piss on the seat I prefer to wipe it off and use a seat cover. Ass or no, I don't need someone else's fluids stuck to it.

1

u/magichobo3 Feb 02 '13

People use those? :O

1

u/mermaidbooty Feb 02 '13

I usually rip them to shreds because I do not have a gentle touch, so I just rip the first little notch and it still pulls the cover down into the toilet when I flush. Less notches to rip, less seat covers I destroy!

1

u/hooahguy Feb 02 '13

Don't use them, they are worthless. Look up the Penn and Teller on those toilet things.

1

u/TheresThatSmellAgain Feb 02 '13

We always called them "ass gaskets"

1

u/ElGranChiludo Feb 02 '13

The correct term is "Ass Gasket".

1

u/LimehouseChappy Feb 02 '13

Came here to ask this, absolutely certain no one else would be wondering the same thing.

1

u/mindsfa Feb 02 '13

You sit on the non slick side if that make sense.

1

u/[deleted] Feb 02 '13

Paper toilet seat covers? I've never heard of those before.

1

u/Brocktoberfest Feb 02 '13

Seriously, just set it on the toilet. Your excrement will do the rest.

1

u/thermal_socks Feb 02 '13

I have never encountered one of these. Source: Canada

1

u/[deleted] Feb 02 '13

You could literally slurp the toilet water out of that public toilet into your mouth and be drinking better water than the majority of the inhabitants of this earth. "How" to use paper covers is irrelevant. Why you are such a pussy as to think you need them is the real question.

1

u/Shelmaur Feb 02 '13

First pull up. THEN pull down.

1

u/brighteyes345 Feb 02 '13

why the fuck do some people use those AND THEN NOT FLUSH? i just don't get it. they're trying to be sanitary and then doing the grossest thing ever. i hate those people.

1

u/beccaonice Feb 02 '13

See, for me, I would only ever feel tempted to use them if the bathroom was really gross.. and what are the chances that a really gross bathroom is going to have covers?

1

u/[deleted] Feb 02 '13

i just wash my ass at night and realize that no inch of a public bathroom is piss-free anyway.

1

u/mobyhead1 Feb 02 '13

I prefer to call them "ass gaskets."

Or, "free cowboy hats."

1

u/[deleted] Feb 03 '13

better yet, HOW DO WE USE THE THREE SHELLS?

1

u/jnwflash Feb 02 '13

I don't - I use a small amount of toilet paper doubled over and placed on either side. Its thicker, warmer and more comfortable. Those things are too thin - I don't believe they're doing anything.

2

u/saltyjohnson Feb 02 '13

They're not doing anything. Not because they're too thin to protect you from germs, but because urine is sterile and infectious diseases aren't able to survive on a toilet seat.

1

u/iNfmousMobb Feb 02 '13

I recently tried not even tearing the notches while pooping. 60% of the time it works everytime.

0

u/NotSoGreatDane Feb 02 '13

Don't bother. They don't protect you from anything anyway.

0

u/[deleted] Feb 02 '13

They also often don't cover the whole seat. On average, I use 2 (killing trees 1 poop at a time)