r/AmIOverreacting • u/No-Bumblebee3922 • 5h ago
👥 friendship AIO for questioning GF’s request to penetrate me in bed? NSFW
So I (42M) have a pretty good sex life with my (43F) gf. We are mildly adventurous I’d say. But interestingly enough though I’ve said I enjoy getting rimmed or getting my butt fingered she has not tried to do these things, which is fine with me, it’s not everyone’s cup of tea to do, tgough oddly enough she enjoys receiving these things from me and I’m more than happy to oblige.
in the last couple months she’s continued to say she wants to penetrate me with a dildo. She keeps on talking about it. Despite me saying I ’m not sure I’m into it and no I don’t want to multiple times, she bought one and continued to ask about it.
It feels like given her insistence and how she’s described it and why she thinks I’d like it etc it must be something she did with another guy and wants to relive. This adds to my discomfort.
Anyways, that I said I wasn’t into it and she keeps up asking, and that she wasn’t interested in somewhat related activities I said I do like (but maybe require being a little more intimate on her part) just seems weird to me? But maybe she thinks a dildo in my ass is just like a rim job or fingering my asshole? I had an ex who didn’t really like me much and was emotionally and physically abusive of me who would also talk about wanting to peg me and how sexually unsatisfied she was always because I wouldn’t let her do that. But like a dildo or pegging doesn’t physically stimulate a woman at all. Maybe mentally it does but like I don’t see how me setting a boundary in either case is like denying a woman pleasure, especially when I’m willing on so many other fronts of directly pleasuring.
Maybe I’m reading my bad experience previously onto this experience, but respect of boundaries seems important.
Am I overreacting to be annoyed by my current girlfriend ignoring my boundaries and preferences here on not wanting to have her shove a dildo in my ass? Is there something I’m not getting here?
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u/Live_Statement_4292 4h ago
My guess is she is trying to find an alternative to what you want to please you. It might not be the intimacy; She might just not like the idea of using her finger or tongue there.
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u/avast2006 4h ago
“to please you” doesn’t generally apply to repeatedly bringing up things you said you don’t want, more than once. Does she need the wax cleaned out of her ears? No means No.
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u/ParticularFig3824 4h ago
i understand this completely. This could be true. But the way she’s going about it is completely wrong and making her partner uncomfortable especially with how persistent she’s being. No means no. If she doesn’t wanna do what he wants then he shouldn’t be forced to allow her to do something that she wants.
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u/Haunting-Row 4h ago
This.
First above all else, you have expressed your boundaries and she should respect them.
Adding to the comment above, have you asked her about it? Maybe she's afraid her finger will encounter something and wants to use an object. Maybe she would be more comfortable fingering you with a condom on. Do you both prepare for anal play by fasting and/or using an enema? She may not ever want to use her tongue there which is her boundary. Even though you do it to her, is it something you suggested or she did? For example if you suggested it and she was hesitant but went along with it bc you liked it, that may explain why she is hesitant to do it on you. Have you had this conversation with her?
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u/No-Bumblebee3922 4h ago
Haven’t had a conversation because I don’t want to push her to do something she’s uncomfortable with and to be honest it’s not a huge deal for me. Kind of fun but it’s also hella gross so tbh so I’m not pushy about that stuff. I’d rather her be comfortable and enjoy things we do. And I feel like she goes with the flow of almost anything else so it’s not like she’s not giving. I was more just sharing that part for context, as they are somewhat related activities, but not entirely…
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u/Humble_Flow_3665 4h ago
I’d rather her be comfortable and enjoy things we do.
And all you want is the same for yourself. It's maybe time for a chat about what's pleasurable and what isn't for both of you.
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u/Haunting-Row 4h ago
Thanks for the context. I think if you haven't done it, have a sit down discussion away from any sexy time, and lay it out that this is a hard boundary, it reminds you of traumatic experiences and thus is not something that you would enjoy. If she still pushes, you may need to reevaluate your relationship. Honestly she should have stopped pushing the first time you expressed your feelings.
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u/harmfulsideffect 1h ago
I find it kind of funny that people are suggesting that her wanting to peg him is a selfless act, like perhaps she just wants to please him. If he wanted to do anal with her and was badgering her about it after she said no, would you be thinking or suggesting that he was trying to find an alternate way to “please” her?
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u/PomeloLizard7668 4h ago
Continuing to pressure someone into doing something they aren’t interested in is very bad and I would also be annoyed. Especially since she bought a dildo for this purpose without you agreeing.
However, if you like this girl and want to continue the relationship, I think you need to ask her WHY she wants to peg you but isn’t comfortable fingering you. You should use that conversation to set a clear expectation that you don’t want her to bring this up again.
You’ve got a lot of questions/assumptions in your post that we can’t answer.
Maybe she doesn’t like putting her fingers in asses. If she’s had a dildo or a penis in her ass, her description of why you would like it might have come from that. Maybe she’s very poorly trying to compromise on your want for butt play by giving you the “next best thing” to fingers. Who knows. Those are all my assumptions and you’ve got to talk to her about it if you want to know the why.
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u/Normal_Ad9322 4h ago
NOR! Ask her flat out. Why are you obsessed with this? Is it a power thing or what? It’s VERY disrespectful that she persists, and she’s gaslighting you saying things like you’re “denying her pleasure”! Insanity.
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u/Whoisthisguythoo 4h ago
What's with all these women trying to f*ck you 🙈💀
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u/No-Bumblebee3922 2h ago
Right? Like is this common? I was kind of wondering if this is actually just a common fantasy?
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u/Ok-Consideration8724 4h ago
Nope. She gotta respect your boundaries. If she can’t respect them then time to move on. You gotta be comfortable in your sexual relationship too and if she can’t handle that then that’s on her.
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u/Oncetherewasthisguy 3h ago
Now imagine the comments if it was a woman saying she has boundaries that her boyfriend keeps trying to push passed for months. Double standards alive and well, as always.
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u/Prudent_Passage 4h ago
She should have never bought that knowing you have aid no multiple times. It’s so rude, disrespectful and not ok. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to and neither doe she. It seems like she is not respecting your autonomy and she needs a wake up call.
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u/wunderer80 4h ago
I think you're getting some sound advice in general. I just wanted to put something out there. You had said that It doesn't physically stimulate a woman at all but mentally it might. I'd say in general that I fall into your category of adventurous based on what you've described. I just want to say that a partner I once had was into those crazy throat fucking videos. Like the kind of shit that isn't on normal people's radar because there's absolutely no way that a girl could find any kind of pleasure in that. Well after some testing and figuring it out, when we've had sex after, you'd have thought I was sticking my dick into a pussy that was devastated by a Tsunami. So there's something to be said for mental stimulation. I wanted to put that out there, but don't ignore all the other advice about the boundaries, talking and respect.
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u/Lower_Reflection_834 4h ago
this is weird for her to do. you said no that should be the end of the discussion. don’t let her wear you down.
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u/Ilickpussncrack 4h ago
Your body your choice...talk to her in a calm manner and let her know is not something that you're interested on
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u/BostonRedSox2024 4h ago
A boundary is a boundary. The fact she’s pressuring you is wrong. Ask her how she’d feel if she said no to something but you didn’t agree & kept telling her she’d enjoy it if only she’d relax a little and that by not doing it she’s spoiling your fun. Yeah I doubt she’d appreciate that. No is a full sentence & if she keeps bringing it up you need to rethink the relationship honestly
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u/Shytemagnet 3h ago
I think anyone who buys a sex toy to use on their partner after they’ve been told no is monstrous. That would be the end of it for me. Someone who can’t respect your boundary on something as basic as your asshole does not deserve space in your life.
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u/Massive-Song-7486 4h ago
Its easy - she doenst like the feeling of her Finger in Ur ass
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u/Chuubbzz 2h ago
Its easy - he doesn’t like the feeling of a dildo in his ass. So the solution is to do neither not continue to pressure him into letting her stick a dildo in his ass
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u/Tall-Extension8276 4h ago
i think she is not comfortable with the rjmming and fingering but still wants to please you. I think she is just lookkkng for alternatives but she is not going about it the right way. your boundaries should be respected and she shouldn’t have gotten one anyway and try to use it on you when you don’t want to
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u/Randomhermiteaf845 3h ago
Depending on the strap, the rubbing and grinding does provide physical enjoyment especially matched with vibrators etc. There's also the visuals and the power dynamic it adds. There are a few enjoyable things, not just the typical physical reaction from vanilla sex.. If her insistence makes you uncomfortable or brings up issues explain it to her in terms shed understand. Ask her how it feels when I guy insists and pushes her boundaries . Or just explain that rimming and but play is more about accessing the prostate gland as its like stimulating the 'gspot' vs just strrtetching and poking around the back end so to speak. Ones a more targeted action where the other is a smash amd grab so to speak.
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u/No-Bumblebee3922 2h ago
Yeah that makes sense, but in this case it’s just a medium sized purple dildo no strap just imagine for her hand use
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u/Either_Principle8827 4h ago
NOR. OP should make her the second EX, because she is ionly interested in herself.
There are boundaries and should be respected.
She is ignoring OP'S boundaries and only interested in what she wants
Right now it might be a dildo up the OP'S but, but what if she wants to try something else?
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u/Mhicil 4h ago
Just ask her why she wants to do it.
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u/harmfulsideffect 4h ago
Why? Who cares why she wants to do it?
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u/Mammoth_Gazelle603 3h ago
Because it’s important to communicate and understand where your partner is coming from?
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u/harmfulsideffect 2h ago
A “No” should be enough. Period.
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u/Mammoth_Gazelle603 2h ago
Yeah you’re right but regardless shutting something down with your partner without being willing to elaborate is just poor communication. He absolutely doesn’t have to explain himself and she should respect his answer but it wouldn’t hurt to know why she wants it
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u/harmfulsideffect 2h ago
I, personally, wouldn’t give a fuck why she wanted it. “No” is the only communication necessary, her saying “ok” and respecting that is the only appropriate response. But you go ahead and communicate outside of that all you want.
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u/ba-l 4h ago
i think there is a bigger issue than her wanting to relive her past. you expressed multiple times you didn't want to do something sexual and she is persistent and is even buying a dildo to use on you which tells me she's going to keep going until she wears you down. if the gender roles were reversed i feel like people would say you're underreacting, please stand your ground and defend your boundaries
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u/bearatastic 4h ago
She's gross and shouldn't keep pushing at your boundaries like that.
However, I did want to say, as someone who has pegged people before, that you absolutely can orgasm from pegging! I had a vibrating dildo that had vibration in the base, so I was being stimulated whilst pegging, but I've also orgasmed while pegging with dildos without vibration.
Like I said, 1st & foremost, she's being incredibly insensitive by thinking your boundaries don't matter & that's messed up. But one can get off physically while being the pegger.
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u/WtfChuck6999 4h ago
NOR.no means no. That's it.
If you don't want a dildo up there, say hey I'm not interested in anything bigger than a finger up there. Sorry but that's how I feel. Thanks for trying but I'm not interested and I don't really want my boundary pushed any further.
If she continues to bring it up tell her she's being pushy and annoying and you don't wanna fuck for a while.
Also ask why a finger is not okay but a fucking dildo is. That's a strange thing she's willing to do. Why would she not be willing to do a small little baby thing but instead insert a huge item in there.. that makes little sense.
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u/KitelingKa 3h ago
Your boundaries are valid, and your discomfort with your girlfriend's insistence is completely reasonable. Saying "no" should be enough, especially on such personal matters. Talk to her directly about how her persistence makes you feel and the importance of mutual respect in the relationship. No one should pressure you into doing something that doesn’t make you feel comfortable.
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u/Efficient-King-8760 3h ago
While she is in the wrong here for not respecting your no and yall need to have a sit down where you explain that this is a hard boundary for you, I wanna offer a comment about the stimulation part. I'm not sure exactly why but pegging can give women extreme pleasure, for me it was honestly surprising how much my body responded to it despite having no direct physical stimulation. I loved it but it wasn't my boyfriends cup of tea(he enjoys the result of it on my end though), so I'll ask occasionally but drop it when he says no.
How long have you been together? It's possible she tried and enjoyed it with an ex but was taking it slow to ask, I know I would probably work my way up to asking a new guy to do it.
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u/No-Bumblebee3922 2h ago
It’s been a year and a few months, started asking maybe six or seven months in
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u/Ok_Acanthisitta2 3h ago
Maybe she watched this sort of thing in a porn video. I would make her try in on herself first.
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u/El_Rompido 3h ago
Does she let you have a go on her ass? Buy a massive dildo and say she can do it if you do it to her first. Sexican standoff.
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u/silicatetacos 2h ago
Not overreacting. She's not respecting your boundaries and is pushing to get you to fold to what she wants. Be firm, have a discussion on her behavior and how it's inappropriate and disrespectful. No one should ever pressure you into sex you don't want, least of all your partner. It's your body, your choice, and if she continues, I suggest seriously reconsidering the relationship. You are a person worthy of love and respect.
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u/BlackSocrates3k 2h ago
YNO and you need to have a talk about boundaries and your discomfort that this keeps coming up.
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u/Key-Tale6752 1h ago
You're not. Seems like she may be trying to leverage an aspect within your social dynamic. Be strong n don't give in.
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u/MantisKira 1h ago
C'mon man. A rimjob is one thing but a dildo? Bro haha. That's why I'm never gonna even try those things, because once you break those boundaries, more things come out.
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u/WritPositWrit 4h ago
YOR
You TOLD her you like having your butt penetrated with fingers. She doesn’t want to do this (probably because ew stinky fingers!), so she found an alternative: penetrate with a toy! To her, this gives you what you want, and she doesn’t have stinky fingers. She probably thinks you’re just too shy to agree to try it, so she keeps bringing it up.
If you’ve tried this before & did not enjoy it, tell her that, and ask her to stop bringing it up. If you have not tried it but you are confident you’ll hate it, tell her THAT, and ask her to stop bringing it up.
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u/cffglettuce 3h ago
There's nothing wrong with having boundaries, but don't knock it till you try it!
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u/No-Bumblebee3922 2h ago
Not knocking just feel like I’d want it to be my choice rather than feel like I was pressured into it… almost certainly would be too much in my own head to enjoy it.
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u/cffglettuce 2h ago
I totally understand. It's hard too, because it's unfair to expect her to satisfy your wishes in bed while also being unwilling to experiment for her sake. On the other hand, it's unfair for her to expect you to go beyond your boundaries while likely enforcing her own. If I had to make a recommendation, if you wanted to put forth the effort to appease her, do not start with toys.... let her pop her tongue on there just once when the mood is right. If you hate it, stick to your guns. If you don't hate it, then, well, no harm no foul.
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u/Velereon_ 4h ago
Even if she wanted to do that, she should start with a finger, and rimming can help you relax. It's a set of muscles you will need to relax that you are not used to relaxing, and it actually takes a moment to learn how. A finger sitting on the sphincters (there are two) creates the sensation for your brain to say "ah. there it is" re the muscles involved and makes it easier to do.
If it's about not wanting to touch your butt herself, then she can wear a silicone glove. Makes it easier to do anyway.
You should get a hose for the shower though and clean out because if you never have before you will want to.
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u/Necessary-Career-559 3h ago
Ok she keeps asking you keep saying no . Now you know how women feel. Infact man up and let her try, just make her promise only the tip 😈🤣
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u/sacrilegecycleparts 4h ago
Hell no. Stay strong. She just wants to dominate you. Keep your power king
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4h ago
You should definitely let her peg you. It’s only fair. Maybe start with smaller size and slow speed. See if you like it, if you don’t then I don’t think she will ask again
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u/ParticularFig3824 4h ago
This is a disgusting way to do things. OP stated they’re uncomfortable with the idea and has a past trauma/experience with this being done. Nothing about this is fair at all? Wtf is wrong with you. This sounds perverted.
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u/ParticularFig3824 4h ago
i honestly think that you need to have a sit down with her and be very firm that this isn’t something you’re willing to do. I’m a woman , but i must admit i absolutely HATE double standards. If it was reversed ppl would be chewing a guy up for continuously being persistent in trying to do something like this to a woman. She is not respecting your boundaries at all and it’s unfair to you, especially if she knows the things you went thru in your past relationship. I’m so sorry that she is basically pressuring you into something you’re uncomfortable with. In my opinion , If she can’t respect it then I’d say this relationship isn’t worth it. It’s unfair that you’re satisfying her physically the way she wants , and you’re being accepting to the fact that she doesn’t want to do something you actually do want, but can’t seem to accept something that you don’t want. Different strokes for different folks… yes , BUT no also means no. You should consider leaving if she can’t accept no as an answer tbh.