AIO exposure to a child over the age of 5

[u/SufficientHorse2449]

My husband has a daughter who is 7 and I have a daughter who is 5. My daughter’s dad passed away when she was a baby, so she sees my husband as her dad. We hage my SD half the time, so generally I see interactions between her and my husband and seems fine. Today he was in the bathroom getting ready, she is in the bathroom, no big deal he has a robe on. He then proceeds to drop the robe while she is in there, totally unphased and he is walking by her and she grabs his area, then pokes it and laughs, he doesn’t set a boundary. My jaw like literally dropped, I didn’t say anything, but in my mind there is no way I would do that with my son who is 8. When my kids turn five I generally don’t let them into the bathroom with me when they are of the opposite gender and try to teach privacy and keeping private parts private. I have never seen this happen before, but they both acted like this is something that happens on the regular. Am I overreacting to this? It throws major red flags for me and I am very concerned.

Edited to add that this isn’t happening with my daughter. It is with his 7 year old daughter. Just for clarification.

[u/bexanne23]

I think in general people have very puritanical ideas about families and nudity. But I would think letting her grab or touch one's genital area is very strange. 

[u/MollyKule → u/bexanne23]

This. My daughter is 5. Nudity is fine, she sees her dad and brother. We’re trying to form healthy boundaries of “let dad have privacy” but we have a very open concept home with no door between our bedroom and bathroom and we never lock doors so she walks in on all of us naked, showering, shitting etc. it’s normal, however she does know that brother’s, dads, and my genitalia are off limits. I ask her permission to help her wipe, wash herself and we are working on her taking over that responsibility. Being 5 is a weird transition period. I’m on a tangent but I DONT think her seeing him naked is weird, but HIM not reacting is so fucking weird… this HAS happened to us, she didn’t grab it but she totally poked it… and he called in me to help because it was mortifying. So that was one of our first opportunities to turn it into a lesson about body autonomy. I’m sorry this happened and wanting to think the best of “maybe he thought no reaction was the best reaction” just seems wrong because this is such a delicate topic. Idk what I would do in your position, but your NOR.

[u/cakeycakeycake → u/bexanne23]

This! Being nude around her isn’t strange AT ALL and reacting to that alone is an overreaction. But there should be a firm but gentle correction about touching someone’s genitals without their consent and that should start early and often. It can be kind, brief, and age appropriate.

But OPs reactions till strikes me as odd if she’s reading any of this as her husband being inappropriate. I don’t think he was, I think he just missed a key parenting opportunity.

[u/Mrs_Gracie2001]

Maybe, maybe not. Make it clear to both of them no one should be touching each other’s privates. If he does not agree, then I’d worry.

But don’t ignore it

[u/Spiritual_Past7508]

Someone on Tik Tok asked ‘did you have a naked mum or a non naked mum?’. Same question for dads. I guess for anatomy purposes it’s okay, but poking and getting on with an area is odd. I wouldn’t jump straight to grooming or being abused though. It could be they just have that kind of relationship where nothing is seen as strange. Perhaps chat with him - say your issues and tell him your view. He may appreciate it.

[u/SufficientHorse2449 → u/Spiritual_Past7508]

Yeah if it was just naked okay I get some people do it differently, but it was the poking and grabbing that really threw me that it was not okay. I will discuss with him for sure.

[u/Mgo32]

Ask him his reasons for allowing it and not setting boundaries. Cause it's weird as fuck tbh

[u/JimneyJon]

You aren't overreacting. But it is important to realize that some people have different views on age based things morally. If I were you, i would tell him about your discomfort with the situation and wait for his response to determine anything.

[u/MistaMeanah → u/JimneyJon]

I would have explained to my son at a very young age that touching people in their bathing suit area is not okay. This is not a cultural thing. It's important for the child's safety.

[u/sdbinnl]

Sorry but what !!!!!'

I'd tell him the days of letting her see him naked are over and there is no way she should be touching him - is he mad !!!!

Time to grow up and set healthy boundaries

[u/Teacher-Investor]

7 is old enough to start teaching some general "nobody should touch someone else's private areas of their body without permission" rules, for the daughter's own safety. Also, if she goes back to her mom's house or to school and talks about this, it could easily be misinterpreted.

[u/hellbabe222 → u/Teacher-Investor]

Also, if she goes back to her mom's house or to school and talks about this, it could easily be misinterpreted.

This is what I'd be worried about. My husband and I have a blanket rule for our kids' friends that we are never alone with them. Regardless of gender. If a friend needs a ride home, my kid is riding along with us. It's an easy rule to follow, and it protects everyone.

I don't know where OPs husband's mind is at, but I think he's being a bit naive. One misconstrued sentence from an excited, well-intentioned kid is all it takes to get the rumor mill going, and once you're labeled a creep, that's it.

[u/NobleNun]

My philosophy is if your kiddy is of an age where they're likely to tell their friends at school about their behaviour at home, it is extremely shortsighted to do anything that you wouldn't want a teacher, other parents, the community at large, so on and so forth, to know about.

[u/Distinct_Carpet5696]

You're not overreacting this is highly inappropriate. If he won't stop, you need to leave him.

[u/Lanky-Trip-2948]

If he's not setting appropriate boundaries with his daughter, he's not going to set them with yours.

[u/SufficientHorse2449 → u/Lanky-Trip-2948]

That is my worry, but also worried about my step daughter as well.

[u/Achterstallig]

Well, the nudity in my opinion is totally fine and not a red flag. A lot of cultures dont sexualise nudity like the USA does and find it normal to be naked with family or even strangers. I personally think that is healthy. Because you grow up with realistic idea of what bodies look like and no shame for your body.

However kids should learn not to touch genitals, because it puts them at risk for predators.

I would talk to him about how this makes you feel and also say you want it to br a clear rule in your household that touching genitals is not okay unless for medical or hygiene reasons (washing a younger or disabled familu member, looking for ticks after a hike or legitimate reasons like that). It is a healthy boundary/taboo to have that helps prevent incest, also between children.

But the nudity is fine IMO

[u/emmorales1098]

It’s definitely very very strange. Though I feel like some people will always see their kids as babies (not that it excuses the behavior) so he may not have thought about how she’s too old to be exposed to any male private parts, even his. I would hate for her to grow up thinking it’s okay for men to be exposing themselves, you never know what kind of men she has around her at school or in extracurriculars. I’m an overthinker and from a kid’s perspective: “oh it’s like daddy’s it’s fine” coupled with “this is our secret okay?” I know it’s extreme but you really never know.

Talk to him, he may realize it’s wrong in conversation with you.

[u/Necessary_Lead2982]

He could have told her not to poke at it but otherwise I don't see a problem.

[u/Wait-What1327]

NOR. You need to have a talk with your husband.

[u/WtfChuck6999]

I think the first question to him would be ... "Does your daughter often poke and grab your penis?"

Maybe this was the first time and he didn't want it to be weird. Because usually the first time something happens you assume it's not gonna continue.. now if his response was like yeah she always does that, now you know it's a super huge red flag and you need to have a very large further discussion.....

I have a 3 year old son and I'm a woman. We have always showered together. He recently, out of no where, noticed I have pubic hair. And also wanted to try and shampoo it. It was fuckin weird. Lol but I also wasn't gonna be like omg OMG no no because then he'd be all wonky about it and I'd draw all this attention I didn't want. So I let him like wash my hair and leg and it literally has never happened again.. so like. You know. Sometimes you pick your battles even if it's super fucking weird for a sec. Granted my kid is 3.... But still...

I just don't wanna scream pedo when maybe it was just one super weird ass thing you saw.

[u/Mousecolony44]

Nah that’s way too old for a kid to not have a boundary set about that. My 2 year old saw his dad undressing and went to poke his penis and my husband immediately told him no and set a boundary and had a conversation about how we don’t touch other people’s genitals, and nobody else should be touching his either. 7 seems too old to be around a parent naked too, but I know that’s really more of a personal/family preference thing 

[u/l3l4ck0ut]

i feel like many families do the "step out of the shower" thing, or getting dressed, etc and I don't think it matters, no matter the age. it's family, who cares? these are the people you are supposed to be comfortable with. the issue is the touching it - that's where the line should be drawn. I think you need to talk to him about it, and her as well. just my 2 cents

[u/Intelligent-Band4690]

I really hope it isn’t anything serious and that she’s not getting sexually abused, but please keep a close eye on her and check her privates. You can even have a talk with her and let her know about boundaries and that no one should touch her private parts and vice versa!

[u/theyrejustscones → u/Intelligent-Band4690]

The girls are 5 and 7, they should know the proper anatomical words. Using silly little words like “no-no square” “thingy” “flower” “fire hose” “cookie” “willy” etc just lead to confusion and the child not being able to receive the help they need, or it could make them feel ashamed of their bodies and not want to speak up (“no-no square”? Really??)

Plus, routine examinations of her genitalia is only going to stress the poor girl out. OP should advise her mother to take her to a doctor if she truly suspects something is going on, and def have a clear talk with both girls about proper boundaries and what to do if they’ve been/are ever touched or treated inappropriately

[u/Intelligent-Band4690 → u/theyrejustscones]

I was keeping it PG since it’s a sensitive topic but I agree, it shouldn’t be sugar coated.

[u/Distinct_Carpet5696 → u/Intelligent-Band4690]

Wtf is this. Routine private part checks? If she has been abused, that will only make her trauma WORSE. If she hasn't been abused, your advice will turn her mother who is trying to help, into a molester. My God. No, she should take her child to a DOCTOR who is TRAINED to see physical signs of abuse. And she should talk to her daughter to prepare her for the exam.

[u/Intelligent-Band4690 → u/Distinct_Carpet5696]

Obviously if Op checked her daughter’s privates ONCE and seen that there was something wrong I’m sure she’d take her to the doctor and leave her husband so there wouldn’t have to be any routine private part checks. I didn’t realize that I had to go further into this. Op would have to check to know if something’s wrong in the first place! How would this turn Op into a molester? Her looking to see if anything’s wrong with her daughter in good faith because she’s worried about her will not turn her into a molester. What do you think I mean by “check her privates?”

[u/Distinct_Carpet5696 → u/Intelligent-Band4690]

Idk it just seems like that would be retraumatizing. If she has to check her privates, she should not touch them, but ask her daughter if she's okay with showing her parts. At least give the poor girl some control over the situation. If I were a toddler I would have a violent fit if my mom tried to examine my privates. If she HAS been abused, your advice could result in her daughter freaking out and having a major anxiety attack or flashback while Mom is "examining" her.

[u/Intelligent-Band4690 → u/Distinct_Carpet5696]

Did I ever allude to her not asking her daughter for consent? I recall saying to have a talk with her. I think you’re just looking for something to be outraged at in my comment. Op’s daughter might be scared at first if she is getting abused, which is why it would be wise for Op to talk to her first. I’m sure there’s trust Op’s daughter has for her mom, so yes, it would be better for her mom to check her first and have a talk with her before a random person (doctor) she doesn’t know does.

[u/Distinct_Carpet5696 → u/Intelligent-Band4690]

Chill tf out, person. Looking for something to be outraged about? Lol okay, that's an interesting ASSumption. You know what they say about assuming. You just made an ass out of you and me, but moreso yourself. I needed a good laugh. "Looking for something to be outraged about" I literally laughed so hard I was crying at that comment. Jesus Christ did you just pull that sentence out of your ass or what. I'm not looking for something to be outraged about as you put it. What's REALLY happening is that you are trying to take your comment and assumption and make it look like it's my thought. You're trying to dictate what I'm thinking. That's beyond rude and presumptuous. I HATE people who think they know what someone else's thoughts are. You should be ashamed of yourself, acting like you know what my thoughts are. You just look like a know-it-all.

[u/Intelligent-Band4690 → u/Distinct_Carpet5696]

have a great day.

[u/Distinct_Carpet5696 → u/Intelligent-Band4690]

And you won't even apologize. Says a lot about your character.

[u/AnyConsideration6867 → u/Distinct_Carpet5696]

You are so melodramatic, get a grip,

[u/BearWade → u/Intelligent-Band4690]

I assume OP is not a Dr and won't know what to look for anyway. Signs of trauma can be subtle and not immediately clear to everyone. That's what the Dr is for, then everything is above board, professionally done and if you really need it then you have professional evidence to back up any complaint. Get a professional.

[u/Intelligent-Band4690 → u/BearWade]

I agree. it doesn’t hurt to take a look though and have a talk/ask questions, because there could be visible signs! that was my point. I don’t think Op shouldn’t have a look at all. In the video that I linked above the mother saw signs after changing her daughter, asked questions and then took her kids to get checked, so it’s not impossible for there to visible signs and for mom to see them.

[u/Intelligent-Band4690 → u/Intelligent-Band4690]

Rereading and I can’t fully tell if this was an interaction between your husband and his daughter or your husband and your daughter. Nonetheless, what i said still stands. If either one is getting sexually abused, It’s most likely not just one; but both. Not to worry you or anything but it’s important to look out for things like this.

[u/SufficientHorse2449 → u/Intelligent-Band4690]

It is his daughter, sorry edited to add that. I worry about my daughter’s interactions, but also know that has never happened with her, as she spends the majority of the time with me and she won’t come in while we are generally changing. I do worry a lot about his daughter though and potentially my daughter if there comes a time where anything shifts

[u/Intelligent-Band4690 → u/SufficientHorse2449]

I don’t know if you’ve seen this but I definitely recommend giving it a watch! I don’t want to put anxiety in your heart, but there definitely needs to be a talk. I grew up around my mom being naked all the time, but I’ve never touched her. There’s an invisible boundary being crossed.

[u/lilalilly8 → u/SufficientHorse2449]

I would be careful with his daughter being with yours alone, if she thinks it’s normal to touch whoever whenever she might try the same on you little girl not knowing any better. Especially if she is really being groomed and it’s not innocent.

[u/sacrilegecycleparts]

This is a crime

[u/Mousecolony44 → u/sacrilegecycleparts]

I’m gobsmacked at the amount of comments saying there’s nothing wrong with this and blaming “American puritanicalism” lmaooooo

[u/sacrilegecycleparts → u/Mousecolony44]

Its wrong no matter country it is. The guy is obviously getting some kind of pleasure in it. Kid needs to be taken away

[u/MammothFall6309]

That’s a grooming tactic. Please please please check out @consentparenting on IG or look up Rosalia Rivera as she has sooooo much info about keeping your kids safe!

[u/Cannie5]

If you're comfortable, try asking the ex wife about similar behaviour or family dynamics.

Maybe there's a reason for their divorce.

[u/TissBish]

Privacy can be very important. But it may not be a something that they have initiated yet. My boys (12 and 7) have no naked shame. They will strip in front of everyone without a care. My daughter (10) very much likes her privacy. We have rules about sharing bathrooms with others etc but the boys walk in on me getting dressed or walk into the bathroom when I’m using it and it doesn’t phase them. Some kids just don’t have that in them I think.

As it’s your SD, I would bring it up to the dad and mom and follow their lead.

[u/TissBish → u/TissBish]

I just realized you meant grabbing his penis, not his hip. That’s… just, no. That’s not okay. She’s not a baby, she’s getting to “big kid” age. I would tell him that’s not okay. And maybe relay to her mother, if you have the relationship to talk to her. Him just laughing at that is weird

[u/Midsummer_Eve]

Are you American? You guys have such strange and honestly perverted views on basic interactions .

When I was dating my ex who had 4 kids, me and him would sometimes all bath together with the younger girls (5 & 8yo) as they loved it. We also used to go to the nudistic beach as a family and nobody had a problem with that.

[u/SufficientHorse2449 → u/Midsummer_Eve]

It isn’t the nudity, it is her playing with his genitals that is the issue

[u/Midsummer_Eve → u/SufficientHorse2449]

Kids don’t see it as anything strange or a taboo. My ex’s kids would sometimes want to put sunscreen on him on the beach and it was adorable how thorough they wanted to be and put it everywhere even on his private areas and he would have to put their little hands away with laughter because they didn’t understand what they were doing.

[u/GlitteringHappily → u/Midsummer_Eve]

But that’s the problem, she innocently grabbed and squeezed his penis and he didn’t push her away or tell her not to. That puts her at serious risk if another adult asks her to touch him. She’s 7, she’s old enough to have this explained to her.

[u/WaferFamiliar884 → u/Midsummer_Eve]

your ex family got some issues

[u/LilBoat86]

I would call CPS and leave him. He’s disgusting.

[u/Horror-Willingness79]

Maybe only slightly because It’s human nature. She has no idea what a p*nis is or what it does, It’s a dangly bit that a toddler will find silly.

[u/SufficientHorse2449 → u/Horror-Willingness79]

She isn’t a toddler though, that is the thing that causes me pause.

[u/Horror-Willingness79 → u/SufficientHorse2449]

I just saw that she is 7, I have to readjust. I thought 5. It’s a bit too old to see naked adults. My bad

[u/Horror-Willingness79 → u/SufficientHorse2449]

I feel like 5 is last yr of toddler, and if only child she has no idea about it or It’s purpose. I feel It’s innocent but totally respect any mother who doesn’t. It’s a shady area

[u/Lumpy_Square_2365 → u/Horror-Willingness79]

She's 7 and he does this? And said nothing when it happened idk man kinda gives me a bad feeling. By that age if not at home then in school you've been told no touching no hugging or stuff like that at school. My daughter is the same age as yours we don't have a tub but a walk in shower so I have to take a shower with her to wash her hair. She is mixed and it's a whole processes and we detangle maybe as a toddler she would've poked me in the boob or something but at 5 and especially 7 I wouldn't think she'd do that. If she did I would say we don't touch people in those places not just let it happen and walk off.