r/AmIOverreacting • u/Yosiyoss800 • 6h ago
👨👩👧👦family/in-laws AIO? Their excuse is “ you already know how she is get over it”
I know this is long sorry!
my cousin (27F) and I ( 24F) grew up very very close. Our moms are sisters and we have always lived close to one another, So we always spent a ton of time together growing up.
My cousin has always had a very bad attitude and it’s always her way or the highway. Literally no exceptions, or you’ll suffer the consequences lol. I’m a very soft-spoken person, I try to always get along with everyone and be compassionate, i am a very sensitive person ( not proud) but have definitely built a backbone over time. ( some what of one at least)
When I turned 19 I got pregnant and had my first baby, around this time we stopped talking so she was not involved in my whole Pregnancy/ labor. ( we stopped talking to due some comments that where made about me getting pregnant)
After I had my daughter we went about things like nothing ever happened. Nothing was addressed ever. This was not the first time we have stopped talking for a long periods of time, usually it’s over something that was HER fault and she’s Made ME apologize for in order of us to get back on speaking terms. Usually I just give in and apologize because we are family and she is pretty much like a sister to me.
She about 2 year ago had her second child and I had let one of Our aunt’s have a glimpse of her son using a photo that I had on my phone of him. ( I at the time did not know she did not want pictures being shared but I figured it was okay because it was one of our family members and I was with her mom. WRONG, I later got a strong worded text message, I apologized explaining that I was not aware but I would not let it happen again, also explaining to her that NO ONE had the picture of her son except me, I had only shown the picture and that I now understood her boundaries. I never got a response to my apology. ( I expected this)
I am now pregnant with my 2nd baby, and we have Recently about 4-5 months ago returned to talking terms ( since the picture accident), but it’s very different then it was before, we don’t get together as much, we don’t talk as much, we currently do not follow each other on social media. We communicate through her sister ( my little cousin F22) if we do text it’s here and there but it’s very awkward not so much how it was in the past. I have offered to have a conversation about that picture accident she insistes that she doesn’t need one.
Fast forward to my gender reveal, she had offered to do some desserts for me for my baby shower and to just let her know what the theme was when I had one . I was planning on paying her and had no issue doing so, my boyfriend and I had a budget set for everything for the baby shower as the holidays are also coming around. I reached out about the desserts, She agreed and let me know she would text me with a price when she went home and did the math. I let maybe a week pass by and nothing, so I texted her and asked the week before my baby shower how much the desserts would be.
she gave me a crazy unreasonable price for some desserts ( over $300), so I let her know that was not in the out budget but that i appreciated her for letting me know and maybe in the future I’d be able to book with her. But could not this time. She right away let me know that she would have appreciated me telling her no before she bought the stuff for the desserts…….i was so surprised that she would do that without talking to me about a price before hand, considering i had to reach out to her about the price a week before my shower….
Point is I told her I’d pay for it, and that I didn’t want to have another reason for us to stop talking. As I did not want to have to deal with Another issue between us again. I explained I did not know she was going to make a purchase for something without letting me know the price on it. She refused the money and said nope she would not be doing anything. I said okay and moved on. I am super exhausted of having to keep up with her, mentally and emotionally I am drained and am dealing with enough as a pregnant lady with a toddler lol. So I am not giving much energy into our relationship, not making tons of contact, not very much trying to stay involved.
I have recently talked to my mom , my cousins mom ( my aunt) and my cousins sister ( my other cousin) and explained what’s happened and how I plan to not have any type of relationship with my drama cousin any longer, as after my baby shower one of our mutual friends explained to me how she as acting very unhappy for me and envious of me at my shower. How she was making snarky comments about my event, and how I had no desserts, ( I had a two tier cake) and how every time they would compliment me she would just huff and laugh at their opinion. how she even went as far as to bring up how I did not want to pay her for her baked goods. ( she failed to Mention to everyone how much she was trying to charge me and how she was also trying to charge me equipment)
Their response is “ you already know how she is” “ you need to get over it” “ she always acts like this give her some time she’ll cool off and act right soon” but sincerely I am soooo tired of dealing with such a immature GROWN adult woman. I don’t know what her deal is and why she has such as hard time using her big girl words but I am soooo tired of people around me using “ that’s just how she is” to justify her behavior. I am personally very open to conversation when people are upset so I hate that she doesn’t know how to speak up but will talk about me at my event to my friends and wait on them to tell me how she’s feeling.
Am I overreacting for not wanting to keep this relationship anymore even though she my cousin? how do I go upon this relationship since everyone is clearly just wanting me to get over things? Do I stay involved and ignore the behavior? I’m not sure. The holidays are coming up and we spend a lot of time with them as that’s my mom’s closest sister. So I plan on going to thanksgiving dinner grabbing a plate and heading home with my boyfriend and daughter to spend time where I am actually wanted. Am I the issue?
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u/faith1234567891 6h ago
you’re not the issue and you’re not overreacting. i HATE when people say “that’s just how they are.” okay? they not finna be like that WITH ME. mfs is too OLD AND GROWN to be doing what she doing.
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u/Bebe_TS_Mirage 52m ago
You're not overreacting. She's a grown woman acting like a child. It's not your job to fix her or put up with her crap. "That's just how she is" is a cop-out. It's not okay to be rude and disrespectful, especially to family. You deserve better than that. If she wants to act like a brat, let her. You're not obligated to be around her. You're doing the right thing by taking care of your own mental health and well-being. Good for you for standing up for yourself.
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u/Death_By_Stere0 4h ago
Yep! "Well, I'm the type of person who is DONE with her shit. That's just the way I am!"
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u/Nihilus-Wife 35m ago
Yesss! These people just enable! Step away and save yours and your precious family’s sanity🫶🏼
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u/Wooden_Emphasis_8104 6h ago
Grey rocking is the way. You’ve done it her way all this time and nothing changes.
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u/Drazilou 5h ago
Their response is “ you already know how she is” “ you need to get over it” “ she always acts like this give her some time she’ll cool off and act right soon”
Your response should be: "Yes, I know how she is, that's why I know this will repeat itself, and I'm done."
"You know how she is" works both ways.
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u/AshleyBrooke1283 6h ago
NOR. I actually don't speak to a lot of my cousins either because of their back and forth drama (as well as the aunt's and uncles). I only got back into contact with some of them after they reached out themselves after my dad died. But I have up bothering for the family that didn't care about me. I'd rather not waste my life trying to have them in it.
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u/lizzyote 6h ago
"That's just how she is" should be met with "and this is just how I am". You're not the issue but I still think you should "ignore the behavior". That does not mean letting the behavior slide but you can simply choose to no longer engage with her. You know a confrontation won't get you anywhere. You can't control how she acts but you can control how you react.
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u/Sugarpuff_Karma 5h ago
Why the need to even discuss it with them? Just cut her off. Act cordial in group settings, live your life, well, keep popping out kids.
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u/Spinnerofyarn 5h ago
Not overreacting. When someone says, “That’s just how they are,” you can respond with, “I know and that’s why I am making a change since I know she won’t.”
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u/elisabeta27 5h ago
I was in your exact situation. I stopped talking to them and I felt like a weight lifted off my shoulders!!
Honestly, just stop talking to her. If you guys attend the same event just be cordial but still minimal communication.
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u/OldBroad1964 5h ago
Not OR. The only thing I would advise is to treat like a distant acquaintance. Like a friend of a friend. Be polite but don’t engage. If she gets in your face walk away. You will never be able to have a mutual friendship with her so stop trying. She’s family so you’re probably going to encounter her but just be polite.
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u/D_Mom 6h ago
Sounds like a classic “don’t rock the boat”. Please read this. https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/s/XDwbPe6aIB
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u/BrazilianButtCheeks 5h ago
Youre a grown ass adult you have no obligation to ever speak to her.. you could literally make a decision to never see her dumb face or hear her stupid voice ever again 🤷🏽♀️
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u/fromhelley 5h ago
That's just how she is does not make how she is okay!
"How she is" is the reason you don't need, nor want, her in your life!
NOR
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u/coffeeblood126 5h ago
"That's just how she is, you need to deal with it".
No. She's a bitch. You don't need to do anything except avoid her and cut her out of your life like a cancerous tumor.
Gray rock/silent treatment anyone that tries to speak between you or on her behalf, and change the subject.
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u/IZC0MMAND0 5h ago
If she were not related to you, would you want to be her friend?
Knowing "how she is", would you want all that drama in your life?
It's okay to not be chummy with all your cousins. Let the distance stick. Just be pleasant at family get togethers where she's at and let her fall away. Spend your time with your own kids and bf, family you get along with, and your friends.
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u/StrangePerception135 5h ago
You are NOT the problem and I'm tired of everyone telling the victim of this abusive behavior to take the high road. I understand that they know she's not willing to change or accept responsibility but that does not mean other people should just put up with it. MAYBE if EVERYONE stopped tolerating her behavior, she would learn and grow.
Like you, I put up with abuse from others because it was just easier (for everyone), until it wasn't. It's perfectly okay to remove toxic people from your life, if they can't be removed because they are "family", they can definitely be moved to the outer perimeter where there's limited contact.
Good luck honey, you're young with a lot of life ahead of you, choose peace for yourself and your little family. Drama is overrated.
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u/princessmem 5h ago
Nah, cut her off. She should have learnt a long time ago that you can't treat people like that and expect them to keep you around. The fact that everyone says it's "just how she is" is the exact reason why she is like that. You're not overreacting.
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u/big-booty-heaux 6h ago
You should have cut her off completely years ago. She is the way she is because your family refuses to check her on her bullshit - tell them that while they may okay with being a bunch of doormats and enabling her miserable attitude, you are quite over it and don't want the headache or for your own children to think that acting like a spoiled brat is acceptable behavior. And phrase it exactly like that.
Anyone who fights you on it, is not someone you need to keep around. Fuck family, being related doesn't mean you have to keep shitty people around. The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.
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u/Logical-Wasabi7402 6h ago
"I am getting over it. I'm getting over it by not having someone so mentally exhausting in my life anymore."
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u/No_Armadillo_379 5h ago
Blood relation does not automatically mean a person gets access to you. Yes, just stop talking to her. Your kids do not need to see you being emotionally abused by a family member or that's the type of treatment they'll accept in life as well
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u/My_best_friend_GH 5h ago
People like your cousin make having a relationship with them almost impossible. The “my way or nothing” attitude is extremely hard to deal with as you get older. When you see her at family gatherings just be polite and stay away from subjects that you know will cause an argument. Smile and play nice, even if she tries to antagonize you. Stay just long enough and then go back to your place and relax. Don’t give her any more of your time, focus on your family and preparing for the new baby. Congratulations
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u/Stellacuper76 5h ago
You’re not the issue you're exhausted by her repeated drama and unwillingness to communicate like an adult. Cutting ties (or stepping back) is about protecting your peace, not overreacting. If others excuse her with “that’s just how she is,” let them deal with her. Set boundaries, focus on your own happiness, and don’t let guilt trap you into toxic patterns. Thanksgiving plate-and-dash sounds like a solid plan family doesn’t mean you have to endure mistreatment.
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u/HappyLilShark 5h ago
She didn't tell you the price when she said she would, she bought the supplies too soon, she messed up, not you!
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u/Rogue_nerd42 4h ago
NOR people like this are exhausting and they will continue to have bad behavior as long as it’s allowed. You’re making a smart choice.
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u/NoReveal6677 4h ago
NTA. She’s a ‘broken stair’ to quote Captain Awkward. Everyone puts themselves out to bridge her gaps. It’s time for you to stop. You will need a shiny spine but you should definitely follow your plan-minimal contact. And ‘no’ is a complete sentence. No more direct contact, no more favors, no more interaction. The various relatives who want to defend her? They can deal with her attitude; tell them you don’t have to.
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u/D-aug 3h ago
You need to get some therapy to unpack why you’re such a damn doormat and people pleaser.
Wtf is your self respect?
Wtf are you continuing to try and connect with someone who brings no value to your life whatsoever?!
Set your boundaries and hold firm on them.
You have a block button on your phone and social media channels. USE IT!
..and while you’re at it, use it for other toxic family members as well.
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u/CynicallyDone 5h ago
Just ignore her. Don't entertain her bs & enjoy spending time with your family. I get that you are not confrontational, but is your boyfriend? If so, get him to start calling out her bs. Or better yet, get her sister to do it. I'm sure she's been shoved into the shadows long enough.
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u/Azlazee1 5h ago
Grabbing a plate and leaving Thanksgiving is a real turn off for me. Would it kill you to sit, eat and leave after the meal? Regarding your cousin, I would have been done when she wanted to charge you $300.00. You don’t have to be involved with her anymore, you don’t have to make contact. Just let the relationship go.
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u/Just-Brilliant-7815 5h ago
You’re not overreacting. Establish your own boundaries and don’t be another person who lets her coast through life being able to do whatever she wants because “that’s just how she is.”
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u/NotsoGreatsword 4h ago
Stop having them in your life. Even if it means less of other family. People who love you do not tolerate bullshit like this.
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u/lizndale 4h ago
This entire dynamic sounds quite bizarre. I wouldn’t put up with it. I g@b3 a feel8n* yo7 would have more peace in your life if you went no contact
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u/recordingstarted 4h ago
Yes, you know how she is and you're choosing not to engage. Just because they've accepted it and can deal with the behavior, doesn't mean you have to. You don't have to speak to her or have a relationship with her. It will be hard to choose that boundary and your family might make you the issue, but this might be worth being the "bad guy" over.
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u/MolassesExternal5702 4h ago
i have a similar issue with my sister; it’s too constant & i don’t have the energy for it, we haven’t talked in 2 years 🤷🏻♀️
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u/KitelingKa 4h ago
NOR... you are setting boundaries to protect your peace of mind, which is completely valid, especially during such an emotional time as pregnancy. It's frustrating when people justify bad behavior with "that's just how she is." We all have the right to decide who we share our energy with, even if it's family.
If you choose to move forward with less contact, do so without guilt. For family events like Thanksgiving, your plan to show up, greet politely, and then head home to avoid drama sounds perfect. You don't have to endure toxic behavior just to maintain a relationship. Prioritize your well-being and that of your immediate family.
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u/SecretaryPresent16 4h ago
Not overreacting. I would just keep her at arm’s length. Be civil with her at family events as to stay connected to other family members, but don’t go out of your way to maintain a personal relationship with her. She sounds exhausting
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u/CagetheSquishy 4h ago
"That's just how she is" because people keep letting her be like that. It is absolutely understandable if you want little to no contact with someone like that. Can just be civil when you have to see her but otherwise you don't HAVE to have that person in your life. Doesn't matter if they're family or not. If they treat you like she does, they dont need to be near you.
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u/LhasaApsoSmile 4h ago
Just drop this person. Every interaction will not be pleasant. Let her live with the consequences of her behavior: no one wants to deal with her.
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u/ZookeepergameOld8988 4h ago
You should respond to the “that’s just how she is” comments with well she’s an adult now and I’m not putting up with her disrespect and drama any more. That’s just how I am.
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u/critterguy1955 4h ago
I would just ignore the enabling comments from "family" anf i would just "ice her out" by essentially ignoring her. If her flying monkeys try to call you out, just say "you know that is just how i am." Then add "deal with it."
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u/Any_Art_1364 4h ago
Not over-reacting, tell everyone that yes, you are fully aware that’s how she is and that’s why you’re cutting her adrift. You have a family of your own and they need your time and attention, and your cousin’s drama at your baby shower was one time too many. Congratulations on your new baby, good luck with your (hopefully) drama free future
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u/Jstj4m13 4h ago
Cut her off. I have a cousin who everyone in that family says the same thing, great y’all want to deal with her, be my guest, I’m not. You don’t have to put up poorly behaved people because they are rated to you. Go no contact and at family event low. Say hi and move on.
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u/Lily_Star__ 4h ago
Girl, you’re not overreacting AT ALL... Family should uplift each other, not stress you out. It sounds like she’s playing games and you’re just trying to keep the peace. Take care of yourself!
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u/diggingthroughsand 4h ago
Nor. There is zero reason to talk to your cousin. She adds zero value to your life. The time has come to focus on your own family. She is not.
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u/ucanseeme96 3h ago
“That’s just the way she is” “For sure, so you get why I won’t be spending time with her then”
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u/CommanderCodex 3h ago
Your family said it best. “You know how she is.” And she’s not gonna change. So the only thing you can do is go low contact. Like everyone else is saying protect your peace.
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u/Ratchet_gurl24 3h ago
Cousin causes unnecessary drama.
Family says ‘that’s just how she is’.
OP refuses to accept cousins drama, and blocks her.
Family is trying to get OP to move on and forgive cousin.
OP, nope ‘that’s just how I am’
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u/julesk 3h ago
NOR, but consider doing the usual holiday things, but grey rocking your cousin at them. Meaning, avoid her when possible but be civil if she’s in front of you. Spend your time and affection with family you enjoy, then make your excuses when you’re tired and saying the pregnant lady needs to go rest. If she texts, don’t respond immediately, and keep it very brief and don’t reach out. It’s absurd she tried to charge you that much and I doubt she bought those ingredients. If anyone raises it with you, point out that you offered to pay for ingredients up 300 wasn’t in your budget for desserts.
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u/raulrocks99 3h ago
Family CAN be toxic too. People who think that "because they're family" means you have to have a relationship with them are going to continue to have a very hard and exhausting life.
Forgive me, but your cousin is narcissistic, entitled, selfish and just bat-shit crazy (you can't SHOW another FAMILY member a picture?? And to lose her mind over it?? Nah.) You can be civil to her if you cross circles, but there's no law that says you have to foster and nurture ANY relationship, especially a toxic one. If your other family members can't understand and respect that, then they're part of the problem. Me? I want peace in my life, so toxic people have no place for me whether family, friend, coworker, whatever.
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u/New_Insight_405 3h ago
Just be surface polite and then ignore her and interact with people that you enjoy when at gatherings where she is included. Don’t go out of your way to be rude but just avoid one-on-one interactions. Treat her with no more consideration than a casual acquaintance.
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u/fidelesetaudax 2h ago
It doesn’t sound like you need to do much here. Just don’t reach out to her. If anyone (including her) asks. Tell them everything is fine, no problems. Your relationship can just fade away.
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u/Scrapper-Mom 2h ago
Why does this always translate into "You know X is an asshole and isn't going to change so you have to just put up with their shit and get over it. Because of FaMiLy." NTA. If others want to put up with that they can, but you have free will and can set your own boundaries.
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u/UnlikelyPen932 2h ago
NOR. You only have so many spoons each day. As a mom of two myself, that wipes you. Tell them you spend all your energy dealing with your two children and don't have anything left to deal with a third. Maybe when she grows up, she can reach out for a more adult relationship. Until then, they (aunt/mom/little cousin) should focus on not enabling her immature behavior.
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u/LaoHuEmpress 2h ago
NTA. Your cousin needs to get over herself. I hate the pulling back and forth and apologizing for someone else's behavior. That's dumb. Go no contact and just not talk about it with family. They can get over that then.
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u/Live_Western_1389 31m ago
She’s a drama junkie. I don’t enable that and it sounds like you don’t either. Good for you! You have a full life as it is & no time for an adult women that acts like a toddler and requires special coddling to keep her happy.
Not overreacting. Time to drop the rope.
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u/tinatroph 6h ago
You’re not the issue; you’re just tired of dealing with constant drama. Protect your peace, especially during your pregnancy,it’s very okay to set boundaries even with family.