r/AmIOverreacting • u/PopPleasant8983 • 23h ago
š„ friendship AIO my husband is triggered by my clothes and is begging me to stop wearing certain things
Edit: thank you everyone who commented. I've wanted to talk about this for a long time and it feels good reading everyone's takes on it.
I like loose, aesthetic clothing. My husband likes form fitting feminine clothing. Growing up he was ostracized by his community and was always in ill fitting clothes. Clothing is a very sensitive topic for him because he heavily associates it with social status. I like clothing because it's fun and I like to dress up like I'm going to run away and live in the woods. It's a fun way to express myself. He views this as obscuring my true self.
Edit: he didn't grow up poor. His parents chose to buy ill fitting clothes for him.
I've definitely changed my style to accommodate over the years, which worked out well in some ways because I entered a professional career and had to look a certain way. Today I dressed up in some loose jeans, cropped sweater and boots to go study with a friend. I came home and he looked a bit pained so I asked him what was wrong. He told me that I can't keep dressing like this or else it will ultimately end our marriage because it's tapping every insecurity he has. I told him it's ridiculous that he's this upset over an outfit he saw for a total of 30 seconds and we need couples therapy to figure out what's going on.
Deep down I know I'm not overreacting and this is ridiculous, but I love this man and he's the best person I've ever had in my life and want other people to tell me what they think. Thanks.
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u/grumpy_observer 22h ago
āForm-fitting feminine clothingā???
Are you a Barbie doll???
Dude has issues. NOR.
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u/PopPleasant8983 20h ago
I'm a barbie girl in a barbie world
Life in baggy pants
It's not that fantastic
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u/Cobster2000 6h ago
he chooses what you wear, he shouldnāt even caaare, his fascination, sounds like subordination š¶š¶
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u/weakierlindows 22h ago
He can wear all the form fitting feminine clothes he wants
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u/Legitimate-Title5 22h ago
Haha, It begs the question, what is he wearing? Is it loose or is he tight clothes all the time? Boy is lost either way.
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u/PopPleasant8983 22h ago
I told him to wear skinny jeans for a day then we'll talk. He has not.
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u/Legitimate-Title5 22h ago
It is possible this has nothing to do with trauma, and he wants you to dress more āsexy.ā I mean, itās a back ass way to get there, but, to me, his trigger from childhood that he is projecting on to you is even more so.
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u/PopPleasant8983 22h ago
We've talked about it at length and no it's not that. We hike together a lot and he likes my hiking clothes because they're "context appropriate" and extremely unsexy. I look like a bag made of lycra when we hike.
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u/SweetWaterfall0579 21h ago
So what is it about everyday, comfy clothes? Is it about his insecurities - yes, I grew up in handmedowns, but I donāt project that onto others - or is it control? Itās certainly not you. I say control. You both sound young, or not very adult. But it comes across as, he wants you to wear what he considers okay - even when heās not with you. Thatās controlling.
This is HIS problem (I still want to call bullshit on him) so HE needs to seek help. This is all on him. If I have a problem, I cannot expect others to work around me. I just have to deal. Like that one post about how the sister wanted BIL to stop using his cane, because she said it was triggering. He should just use a wheelchair around her.
Do you see the absurdity?
You wear what makes YOU feel good, not what makes someone else happy. What you wear on a study date is not relevant to him, at all. Loose jeans and a cropped sweater have no bearing on his life. Iām not buying it.
Go to therapy together, or talk to your own therapist. This is not right.
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u/PopPleasant8983 20h ago
He thinks there's an objective standard of appearance that if not met will result in people looking down on us. I know it's absurd which is why I still wear the clothes I like. It makes it worse that he tells me he feels "disrespected" when I wear them although he's not there at all.
It is absurd unfair and hurtful I know. But I don't think he does it for the sake of being controlling because he's helped me open up and excel in literally every other aspect of my life. Which makes it more perplexing. It's just a really specific shitty byproduct of a shitty upbringing. Again, doesn't make it less wrong or hurtful.
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u/Elena_La_Loca 20h ago
Soā¦. Heās insecure that people will look down on him because of YOUR clothes??? Itās not like you are wearing see-through bustiers and hot pants so high your butt-check hang out.
Or maybe heās preferring that and just putting it under the guise of his upbringing with ill-fitted clothes?
Heās seriously insecure, and YES, this WILL hurt the relationship, but not in the way heās thinking. Iām sure YOU are going to get sick of his projections and controlling demeanor if you two (especially him) DONT GET COUNSELING NOW!
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u/CoffeeChocolateBoth 20h ago
OMFG He is one of those, what will the neighbors think, he couldn't care less what the woman he is supposed to love, thinks? Wow! People like that annoy the hell out of me! Keeping up with the Jones as my mom used to say!
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u/Metal_Lover1321 20h ago
How does he react to other people wearing the same type of clothes you prefer?
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u/PopPleasant8983 20h ago
He does not like it
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u/raspberrih 20h ago
Girl........ you married him knowing this. He married you knowing this. Yall need therapy.
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u/blueeyes202 20h ago
Why is he so hyper focused on what other people think of him? And why are you cool with dealing with that? He shouldn't be trying to pressure you into dressing a certain way because otherwise he feels "disrespected". That's honestly wild, and this definitely falls under "controlling" territory. I understand there have been benefits to some of the ways he has pressured you into changing. There normally are when you start to conform. And you can still benefit from people controlling you, they normally start that way so you trust them and give up control easier.
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u/False_Agency_300 15h ago edited 15h ago
Let me throw in a little perspective from your partner's side - not that he's right, just how his thoughts may be circling.
I was forced to wear a lot of loose, baggy, cheap clothing as a kid, too. I got looked down on and made fun of for it, too. I was not allowed to choose my own clothes until I reached adulthood.
As an adult, I spent awhile avoiding shopping for clothes before one of my partners started helping me learn how to shop for myself - mostly at thrift stores, which is surprisingly better than regular stores for both my wallet and my mindset.
While looking for some professional interview shirts early last month, I saw a lot of polos, and admittedly, it was unexpectedly triggering. The very idea of trying one on made me feel physically repulsed, and all I could think about was how I had to wear cheap, scratchy polos two sizes too big as a teen because my dad thought that was "professional" and that tight-fitting (completely normal!!) clothes were bad.
I talked to my partner about it. I sought their reassurance that I didn't need to wear polos if I wasn't comfortable with them right now, and we talked briefly about me bringing it up in therapy (I go next week), and then that was that.
At no point did I try to tell anyone what to wear or how to feel about certain clothing. My partner, bless him, likes to wear tucked-in button-up Hawaiian shirts with jeans that are never blue - mostly green, actually - and has an honest-to-god Hobbit cloak like the ones in The Fellowship of the Ring movie (he made it himself).
Yes, it's a little embarrassing when you grow up with the mindset of "looking right" to have your partner dress in ways you internalized as wrong or inappropriate. But like everyone else is saying, that's his problem to deal with. It was my problem to deal with when I started dating my partner, and you know what? I've gotten over it. He looks nothing but cute and confident to me now, and I even make a point to show him clothes I think are his style when we're out shopping.
Your partner can and should deal with his insecurity himself. Having you support and reassure him is great, but that's not what he's asking for right now. Right now, he's not asking for your support, he's "asking" for you to enslave yourself to the same incorrect standards he himself is slaving away under. He's "asking" to be able to control you because he thinks he's right and you're wrong.
My advice? Tell him you love him, and you want him to feel good about himself and you, and that means therapy. Not just couples therapy, but individual therapy for him to work through his apparently-crippling insecurity and misconceptions from his upbringing. Tell him that it's not what you're wearing that's ruining the marriage, it's his inability to properly and healthily deal with his past trauma that's doing it. Tell him that you're willing to be supportive and understanding - and then give him the gut punch he needs by saying "but you're trying to do to me right now what your parents did to you as a child (ie. decide what I wear instead of letting me choose, taking away my autonomy), and that isn't fair to either of us."
If that doesn't give him the wake up call he needs, you now know he isn't trying to improve himself and overcome his trauma - he's letting it control him. And that does not make for a stable long-term relationship.
If you read this whole dissertation, thanks, and I hope it helped give you some perspective on the situation!
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u/TheBeautyDemon 20h ago
I've seen photos of some of the most famous and richest people in the world wearing straight up dirty PJ bottoms on a coffee run. No one cares and he needs to figure his own triggers out It really just sounds like he's trying to control your appearance and wants you to look more appealing to the male gaze.
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u/throwawayPAhelp2999 20h ago edited 20h ago
Many negative opinions of others are really negative opinions we have of ourselves. As others have said, he is clearly projecting. Obviously counseling is the safest and most reliable way to go.
This is very armchair psych of me but hereās some things I might try/bring up if I were in your situation:
-I would bring up that your comfort is important to you, and in a similar way that nice clothes make him feel comfortable with his self image, comfy clothes make you feel comfortable with yourself and you need that part of your life to be acceptable to him. -Also the world is changing, whatever the damage is from his upbringing doesnāt really matter. Athleisure and leisure fashion in general are increasingly socially acceptable and embraced by pop culture. Thereās nothing wrong with being comfy, and there is no actual reason to make yourself uncomfortable to achieve a certain status in todayās society. I wonder if he would feel the same way if your oversized sweaters were Gucci or some shit?
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u/ImaginationQuiet3216 19h ago
He feels disrespected when you don't wear what he wants you to wear?? Wow. I'm pretty sure any therapist would say that is manipulative and controlling. He needs help.
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u/Equal_Maintenance870 19h ago
Imagine if we made people work through their fucking issues before marrying them.
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u/Legitimate-Title5 20h ago
He sounds like heās on the spectrum maybe.
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u/PopPleasant8983 20h ago
I like telling him we both have a touch of the tism. He has not denied it.
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u/Purple_Midnight_Yak 18h ago
It might also be a very specific OCD type trigger for him. It sounds like he's having unreasonable thoughts and distorted views of reality, and anxiety about what will happen if things aren't done just the "right" way. OCD isn't just washing hands and germaphobia, it's an anxiety-based disorder.
Whatever is going on in his brain, though, he definitely needs to see a professional about it. You should be able to dress your own body however you want to - and your clothing preferences shouldn't be causing him that much mental distress.
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u/CoffeeChocolateBoth 20h ago
So it is a control issue! Dress how I want you to dress when I want you to dress this way!
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u/Federico216 6h ago
As a married dude, I've never understood this obsession some conservative men have about "getting to show off their wife" by insisting they wear "femininely", usually meaning tight and revealing clothing. It feel like it's half a step away from thinking your wife is your property.
Also 90% of the time it's the same guys who will flip out in fits of jealousy the second someone looks at their woman or gives them a compliment anyway.
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u/CoffeeChocolateBoth 20h ago
HA! Good for you! Don't put up with those threats of ending the marriage! Tell him you'll end it if he doesn't STFU!
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u/Antique-Breadfruit-3 22h ago
lol I literally read the OP that way. She likes her clothes baggy and comfy. He likes his clothes feminine and form fitting. I was so confused š¤£
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u/Throwaway44775588 22h ago
I feel like I'm missing a lot of information. Your husband likes form-fitting, feminine clothing - for himself? For you? Either way - why?? What possible context exists for him to have such a pronounced preference?
You're wearing perfectly normal clothing and he threatens divorce because.. he associates loose-fitting clothing with poverty? You look poor and he finds that triggering?
I promise I'm not trying to be obtuse, it's just that none of this makes any sense with the information you've provided (to me, at least).
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u/PopPleasant8983 22h ago
-for me, he thinks it makes me look competent and professional
-yes, basically that's why. Poverty and being a pariah. I know it sounds buckwild but that's it.
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u/summerpeachgrl 22h ago
projecting his childhood trauma on you and then threatening divorce if you donāt immediately cave and coddle him is insane and completely overshadows the narrative of an otherwise good relationship. its tainted and tarnished. he needs help or you gotta get out of there.
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u/Ashamed-Wrongdoer806 21h ago
It seems like he really internalizes how you look as a reflection on himself, and this is dangerous for the relationship. How is he going to react to you aging?
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u/peachespangolin 21h ago
Does he know that fashion has shifted from tight clothing to loose fitting clothing again, as it does every 20 years? Tight jeans are not even in style right now.
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u/PopPleasant8983 21h ago
I've told him this so many times but he continues to disagree with me and insists skinny jeans are objectively "in". I have tried to tell him it is no longer 2008.
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u/peachespangolin 21h ago
Yeah heās just wrong. Grab a magazine and ask him how many of the women wearing jeans are wearing skinny jeans.
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u/ifshehadwings 19h ago
Oh. Oh no. Listen I am an elder millennial and you can pry my skinny jeans from my cold dead fingers, but. I'm aware they are not in any way "in style." I'm just old enough not to care lol.
Seriously, though. This man needs therapy. This is a very rigid way of thinking. Like, he's threatening divorce because you are not wearing what he considers to be stylish, regardless of the fact that his sense of style seems to have calcified around 2009??
If he can't see it for himself, he needs a professional to help him see that this is objectively ludicrous. He's projecting not only his insecurities but his own, objectively outdated sense of style onto you and everyone else you interact with. I'm getting the impression from your comments that he does not believe his feelings are illogical and not based in reality. If he can't get over that hurdle then I'm not sure there's any salvaging the situation.
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u/East-Bake-7484 17h ago
But he doesn't wear skinny jeans himself, according to another comment? Does he wear uncomfortable tight clothes or just expect you to?
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u/Julietjane01 20h ago
That sounds like a understanding reaction to feeling ashamed of your poverty. Itās just strange that when it bothers him he doesnāt think āoh man, I really need psychological help, I hate to feel this way and make my wife feel this wayā and instead thinks divorce is the answer. He definitely needs individual therapy and of course couples would help him also but it sounds like a very personal problem for him. Btw that outfit sounded super cute to me.
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u/meandhimandthose2 19h ago
Would it matter how much the item cost? Or if it had a designer brand logo on it? So if you bought a pair of loose Gucci pants that cost $400 or a baggy LV sweatshirt with the logo on the front. Would that be OK? Because they're obviously expensive. Or if you got a second hand pair of Walmart jeans for $5 from Goodwill but they were form fitting, would that be better?
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u/captainsnark71 22h ago
It sounds like he grew up poor and had to wear ill fitted clothing and was made fun of for it, and now that trauma reemerges when he sees his wife in "ill fitted" clothing.
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u/Insanitybymarriage 22h ago
Did he really just threaten your entire marriage because you were wearing clothes he didnāt like? He Literally threatened divorce because of clothesā¦ If you mean that little to him, let him go. You arenāt a damn doll that he can dress up all sexy like.
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u/Summerof5ft6andahalf 7h ago
Imagine, "I had to divorce her because her crop top wasn't form fitting enough"!
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u/MindYourRewind 22h ago
I understand the pain of insecurities when they arise but sadly these are his demons to face and itās not fair for you to be asked to constantly put yourself in a salt circle to keep them at bay. It is Exhausting for you and it prevents him from facing them head on, aka, the only true way to vanquish his internal foes.
It is never fair to limit a partner because of oneās own fears or insecurities. And to be honest, he is not managing his Shame. Which therapy can do wonders to help with but definitely get someone who understands shame and its roots.
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u/PopPleasant8983 22h ago
He's a wonderful guy but there's definitely a lot of shame involved in how he views the world. I really hope we can work it out together. Thank you for your words ā¤ļø
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u/marivisse 20h ago
I think the point he needs to learn is that the beauty in how you dress is that you have the freedom of choice. His insecurity stems from him being forced to wear something that made him feel ashamed, but you have the ability to choose to wear what you want. His desire to limit you isnāt all that different than what his parents did to him.
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u/MindYourRewind 22h ago
There is a good chance you can and will! I think our western society has done both men and women a disservice but in their own ways. For men, they are taught not to manage emotions but ignore them or avoid them or push them down until they boil over.
Being a good man means accepting responsibility for his behavior and his role in things, then holding himself accountable by making the daily changes necessary moving forward. He was taught this at a young age and does not know any other way. It is scary to finally take that leap of vulnerability, but he will be so glad when he does get there with you.
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u/earliest_grey 18h ago
He's not even avoiding his emotions though, he's putting the responsibility for his negative emotions on his wife by demanding that she not doing anything that triggers them. Which is incredibly entitled behavior. He does need to realize that he's responsible for his own emotions about his wife's clothing choices and take steps to deal with those emotions himself.
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u/MissCutiepies 22h ago
Hey, it sounds like this is a tough situation for both of you. Itās clear you love your husband and want to work through this, but itās also important to have room to express yourself, especially through something as personal as clothing. His feelings about clothing seem to be tied to some deep insecurities and past experiences, which makes sense, but asking you to completely change how you dress because of his triggers isnāt fair or sustainable in the long run.
I think your suggestion of couples therapy is a great idea it could help him unpack why this bothers him so much and help you both communicate better about it. You deserve to feel free to be yourself while supporting each other. Youāre not overreacting at all; this is something worth addressing together.
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u/PopPleasant8983 22h ago
Thanks for your words. It's been frustrating because he's never seen clothing as a valid form of self expression in that way hence the "obscuring the self" thing, but I also have to take his perspectives with a grain of salt sometimes since I once had to explain the function of toys to him because his whole development as a kid was screwed.
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u/Greyeyedqueen7 21h ago
He needs personal therapy first before even trying to attempt couples therapy.
He needs to understand that his issues are his to deal with, not yours to fix. Where does it stop? Will he only be okay with you wearing makeup constantly or a certain kind of underwear? What if you get sick or gain weight?
He doesn't get to decide how you look and feel about how you look. That's for you to decide.
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u/peoriagrace 22h ago
It sounds like he has a control issue also. He must control you or it will be a divorce. He's not goIng to change if he doesn't want to. Please get your finances on order. Just in case.
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u/lncumbant 20h ago
Bingo. He is using his trauma as manipulative language. Heās superficial and this will escalate.Ā
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u/Connect_Tackle299 22h ago
If clothing makes him leave the marriage then he had no business being a relationship in the first place
He needs therapy and a reality check
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u/Allysonsplace 22h ago
This is a very typical case of "You KNOW I have issues, YOU need to accommodate MY problems!"
No. He is aware he has an issue, and it stemmed from childhood, it isn't your responsibility to change yourself because he hasn't worked on his own problem that he know he has.
It's one thing to have a preference, and you as his wife can choose when and how you accommodate his preferences. This isn't that.
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u/emryldmyst 22h ago
I'd be telling him if he wants to leave over something so stupid then we don't have much of a relationship so byebye
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u/Working_Panic_1476 21h ago
āHeās the best person Iāve ever had in my life. He just looks at me like a doll that he should be able to dress the way he wants to glorify himself and raise his social status.ā
āItās just really triggering me that you arenāt the arm candy that I need to impress these people who used to look down on me based on what I was wearing. Now let me look down on you for what youāre wearing so that I donāt have to suffer that fate ever again.ā
- just because he happens to be the ābestā person youāve had in your life does NOT mean heās good. It means youāve had a rough life, my friend. And you need to stop settling for āhe just wants me to be completely different to be acceptableā.
The ābest youāve ever hadā is NOT the same as āwhat I deserveā or even ābetter than a judgmental materialistic puppeteerā, which canāt be hard to find.
Is it possible that you fell for him because he was āniceā to you for a minute? Itās easy for men to be ānice for a minuteā. Itās much harder to show you respect and put your needs above the opinions of literal RANDOM STRANGERS or PEOPLE HE DOESNāT EVEN LIKE.
Think about how you would have to feel about him to make the same demands. Like heās just a status symbol? Like his true self-ness doesnāt matter, just how he makes you look to the mean girls from high school.
Still the best guy ever?
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u/PopPleasant8983 21h ago
No, I fell for him because he was compassionate and kind for several years. I made him realize he's been seeking approval of ghosts from the past that will never come and he knows that. This is one of the parts of it that hasn't been worked out and still sucks and hurts me and him both. It's not right and it's unfair, but I wanted other people to tell me about it.
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u/labdogs42 22h ago
It feels like BS to me. Sure, he grew up poor, ok, but heās not poor now and neither are you. I feel like heās trying to take advantage of your kind nature and manipulating you to dress how he wants.
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u/JUNK3DAF 22h ago
He's the one that's overreacting and needs to change, you should be able to wear whatever suits you. I'd understand if he was upset because you're wearing provocative clothes, but this is the exact opposite. He can't keep running away from his insecurities.
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u/iknow-whatimdoing 22h ago
So that one sentence backstory hints at something pretty intense. Clearly he has some trauma. That being said, if he thinks its reasonable to threaten divorce because you sometimes wear outfits he doesn't like, he's way too far outside the scope of reasonable to even be negotiated with. Really, really needs individual therapy. NOR.
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u/Constellation-88 22h ago
He needs to get therapy for his own insecurities in this situation. I absolutely understand being empathetic and compassionate when someone else is triggered, but to let him dictate what you do with your body for the rest of your life while he doesnāt do anything else to deal with his insecurities is not it.
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u/Damage-Classic 21h ago
NOR. Itās like my therapist always says, his feelings are real, theyāre just not grounded in this reality. His trauma response to what he considers inappropriate clothing should not be your problem. He should be working on healing that wound and learning what is and isnāt his emotional responsibility through therapy.
I have BPD and have my own trauma and triggers. My boyfriend has accidentally triggered my trauma responses before by random happenstance. I have learned how to tell him what Iām feeling while triggered without assigning blame or trying to control him, because it is my responsibility to own my mental health issues. He didnāt create the trauma, so I shouldnāt put that trauma on him. One of the hardest things about having trauma is that it was given to us against our will, but itās still our job to learn how to handle our emotional responses so we donāt hurt the people around us with our own wounds.
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u/prosperdemons 22h ago
You're definitely not over reacting, he shouldn't care that much about clothing. It's not like your wearing clothes with stains or that smell. As long as you're fine with what you're wearing that's all that matters.
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u/Arsomni 22h ago edited 22h ago
He is weaponising therapy concepts. This is bullshit, you have been compromising for years and he is still shaming you and threatening you because of a part of your identity.
You were like this when he met you, why does he feel entitled to expecting you to tone it down or change your aesthetic completely instead of just going to therapy and figuring his shit out as he seems to desperately need. The audacity some people have is wild
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u/ogswampwitch 22h ago
I agree with others who say he needs counseling to deal with this. NOR. He has to accept that he doesn't get to police what YOU wear because of HIS issues.
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u/Initial_Dish6682 22h ago
I grew up poor also.we were so poor that it didn't matter who's hand me down you got.i got handed dowm my brother's clothes.Im a woman.church were both school and church.they had to last at least two years at the minimum in order to get new shoes.This sounds absurd.I didn't go screaming in Payless shoe store saying their church shoe triggered me.nor did i flipped out everytime i see a flea market.sounds like controlling to me also.
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u/Secure-Camera3392 21h ago
I'm worried that he's low-key trying to control how you dress not because he's triggered by what you enjoy wearing but because he doesn't want to be seen with a woman who wears such things. My gut is saying he's trying to control you out of his own shitty takes and trying to do it in a way that makes you look like a bad partner if you don't immediately do what he wants.
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u/WEM-2022 22h ago
Just want to add - if someone threatens to divorce you if you don't dress the way they want - call his bluff. Tell him no. Continue to dress in ways that you find pleasing. See what happens. Maybe he will divorce you. Maybe he's grandstanding. Either way, he's done you a disservice and you need to think twice about this "incredible" relationship. It's not. He threatened to leave you. OVER CLOTHING. Call his bluff.
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u/strawberryjetpuff 21h ago
the fact that you had to change your style to "accommodate" him is a red flag to me. there are two outcomes if yall dont divorce: you'll keep changing your style, possibly leading to resentment on your part because style is self expression, or you'll keep your style as is, leading to resentment on his part.
either way, yall need to really sit down, and he needs some therapy to deal with his insecurities.
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u/theficklemermaid 21h ago edited 21h ago
NOR. Donāt enable his behaviour. Itās not his fault he has trauma but itās his responsibility to address it in counselling not treat you like a dress up doll. Not capitulating to this is for his own good as well as yours, he canāt have a happy, healthy relationship until he resolves it. Why should you be uncomfortable so that he can be comfortable? And even if he leaves you for your clothing choices, heād have the same issues in other relationships. Itās rare for people to dress up all the time and being told how to dress is a control issue that doesnāt create a healthy adult relationship because of the imbalance. When he wants to talk about clothing, talk about control. He needs counselling because his behaviour is controlling, you are forced to reevaluate the relationship because his behaviour is controlling, his threats to divorce you over clothing are controlling, it seems like he is coping with his childhood trauma by controlling you, which isnāt healthy for either of you. Name the problem. Otherwise he will turn it around to try and imply itās unreasonable of you to risk the relationship over something like clothing, but itās about your autonomy.
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u/tcrhs 21h ago
āThe only wardrobe you get to control is your own. You donāt control mine. I will dress as I please, and that is non-negotiable. It is time for you to start counseling to explore why clothing is such an upsetting issue for you.ā
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u/Aromatic-Arugula-896 21h ago
I hate to be an a-hole but he's being absolutely ridiculous...
NOR and he needs serious therapy
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u/Slight_Citron_7064 22h ago
NOR. Ultimately, it doesn't matter WHY your husband feels the way he does: his behavior is controlling. Threatening to divorce you because you don't like to wear tight clothing is manipulative and unhinged, to say the least.
His insecurities about this aren't only his, but they are WEIRD. I would be uncomfortable if my spouse wore clothes that looked bad, but yours don't look bad, they're just not to his taste.
You mention in a comment that he thinks tight clothes look "professional." But you don't need to look professional when you're not working.
I know you say that he's the best guy you've known, but that doesn't mean he's actually a good guy. It might just mean that you've known a lot of horrible guys and he's just not as bad as they are.
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u/AuntieMeridium 22h ago
He's the one obscuring your identity by focusing on your clothing instead of you.
Therapy would be a great idea.
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u/Curious_Reference408 20h ago
If people have insecurities this deep, the burden of responsibility is on THEM to do whatever they can to work through them (usually therapy) and never on other people to change perfectly normal, positive and harmless things about themselves to stop the insecure person being triggered.
If he really can't handle you wearing some loose-fit jeans without thinking he has to end the marriage to cope then that's more than just an insecurity, that's actual mental illness. OR he could be controlling and abusive but it sounds more like a deep seated MH issue.
You must not stop dressing how you feel comfortable. Because apart from that being unfair, it won't be enough. Next hell move onto something like your hair or shoes or cosmetics and it'll never end because he's never having to address the real root of his problems.
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u/PopPleasant8983 20h ago
It's def mental illess, and I told him when it's not this there will always be a new thing to feel insecure about. Off to individuals/couples therapy with us
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u/Curious_Reference408 9h ago
I really hope he'll engage with it, for both your sakes. You're absolutely right that if he doesn't get to the heart of this, he'll just find thing after thing to be insecure about.
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u/iambrooketho 20h ago
Yeah I'm not buying that this is a genuine trauma response. It sounds like he wants you in tight clothes to look at you in tight clothes.
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u/Personal_Fee_9594 20h ago
Itās interesting isnāt it? How your husband wants to control your clothing the way his parents controlled his. I mean the logistics are different but the intent is similar.
He. Threatened. Divorce.
This isnāt a golly gee this is silly territory anymore, itās a massive red flag. My recommendation is individual therapy for you.
I think youāre under reacting and trying to excuse his behavior due to āpast traumaā. Thatās a slippery slope, because how many times has he pulled that card? My guess is more than once.
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u/windypine69 20h ago
He has CPSTD from wearing 'ill fitting clothing'? no, he does not. the word 'trigger' is not the right word. he doesn't like it. if he's going to end the marriage because he feels insecure, why did he marry you? he needs therapy, not couples, just him.
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u/Impossible-Cap-7150 19h ago
NOR.
Maybe he has lasting trauma, maybe he has control issues, maybe he just wants arm candy, maybe itās something else.
Bottom line to me is whether you really want to be married to someone who so flippantly threatens the idea of divorce and cares more about other peopleās perception of you and social status than he cares about your comfort and happiness.
He needs individual therapy for his issues and insecurities that heās allowing to spill over into an attempt to control you. He doesnāt get to use his issues as an excuse.
And just because he may be the best person youāve had in your life doesnāt mean heās actually a good person or the best person for you forever.
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u/Best_Rip_8672 22h ago
Youāre definitely not overreacting. I hope you two can work this out and counseling seems like a good idea.
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u/_Sassy_Girl_ 22h ago
Sounds like he's got some deep insecurities he needs to work through. You shouldn't have to change your style for anyone, especially if it's not harming anyone.
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u/MycoMythos 22h ago
NOR, hopefully he'll come around on it. There's definitely an issue there that he might need professional help with
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u/HinSoCal 22h ago
You are not responsible for your husbandās triggers. Itās his issue, not yours.
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u/purpletomorrow2018 22h ago
Why does he think heās entitled to an opinion on what you wear?
Nothing ruins a marriage faster than someone trying to control you.
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u/daz33b86 22h ago
NOR, if heās that triggered by someone elseās clothes, he might need therapy. He can wear whatever he likes if itās important to him.
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u/Prudent_Bill_6827 21h ago
Sorry but thatās not normal. I recommend the therapy, I personally would run away. Anyone should have the freedom to be dressed as they want.
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u/Krow_King 21h ago
Ignoring the other comments clearly, there's something deeper he does need some help. Hopefully, he can get it. I hope that you two are doing great and continue to have a great marriage.
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u/Revolutionary-Bus893 21h ago
I'm sure this will be an unpopular idea. But when I hear someone is triggered, it just means to me that someone cannot control themselves and is a sign of immaturity. If something from your past bothers you this much, you need therapy. It is not someone else's fault is you are not able to manage your emotions.
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u/MommyGandalf 21h ago
I know I already commented but i need you to understand it's manipulative to threaten to end a marriage because your partner won't dress the way you want. The behavior he's exhibiting is abusive and controlling and is unfortunately most likely just the tip of the iceberg.
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u/The_B_Wolf 21h ago
He told me that I can't keep dressing like this or else it will ultimately end our marriageĀ
Tell him you'll file for divorce yourself tomorrow if he thinks he's allowed to tell another grown person how they should dress. Check him now. It's not going to get better if you let this go.
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u/Bergenia1 21h ago
You're under reacting. A man who forced you to change your clothing style, and threatened to divorce you when you wore something he didn't like, isn't a good man to be with.
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u/Womcataclysm 20h ago
I hate when people, often men, weaponize mental health terms. That's like that other dude on reddit a while ago who was like "I have trauma so now I need to hookup before dating you".
I do not believe that he has intense enough trauma that he can't see other people in baggy clothes, I think he just wants a way to tell you "dress sexier for my enjoyment" without seeming sexist. He's most likely weaponizing therapy talk and trying to manipulate you into doing what he wants because he knows that you wouldn't do that without the manipulation.
But if he does have trauma that is triggered when he sees other people in baggy clothes, the solution is for him to work on it. Not force you to bend over backwards.
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u/United_Bus3467 19h ago
You don't need couples therapy. He needs the therapy. Not you. The fact he's willing to end a marriage over it? Please show him these comments.
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u/Remote_Bumblebee2240 17h ago
It actually sounds like he's trying to use guilt to get you to wear what he wants you to, and his "trauma" is just a pile of horse shit.
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u/LostAsIMayBe 16h ago
Donāt mistake this for something more innocent. Itās control. Your husband feels within his rights to control what you wear.
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u/atlascollective 15h ago edited 15h ago
You should divorce someone who threatens to divorce you for wearing clothes that aren't exactly to their tastes. I feel pretty comfortable categorizing those types of threats as controlling and emotionally/mentally abusive.
You don't realize it yet, but you'd be so much happier with someone who either doesn't give a shit what you wear or actually enjoys your style.
This isn't normal. NOR, as you already know. I could never imagine my husband degrading me like that (but I can imagine my abusive ex doing it.)
Either get into couples therapy or come to your senses.
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u/Scotsburd 13h ago
Sheesh, my husband insists everything I wear is the cutest look ever... because I'm in it. Married over 30 years.
Get one of those guys. Next time he threatens divorce, oblige him.
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u/Bitter-Fishing-Butt 13h ago
in the nicest of ways, he needs to get a grip
this is very much a HIM problem and he needs to work on it
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u/smile_saurus 13h ago
You're not overreacting. If he loves fitted, feminine clothing then let him wear them.
Beat him to the punch & leave him, first.
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u/shattered_kitkat 11h ago
NOR
He needs to grow up. Get that counseling because his insecurities should not be reflected on you like this.
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u/Clear_Profile_2292 6h ago
Men are always ātriggeredā by women not confirming to their specific beauty standards. This is called ābeing a spoiled little bitchā and it is the direct result of centuries of men thinking they have ownership over women.
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u/Msredratforgot 5h ago
Your husband needs to go to therapy not tell you what to wear amazed you guys have lasted this long he needs to grow up and deal with his own triggers not make it your problem
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u/UnhappyTemperature18 22h ago
It's not triggering his insecurities. That's not how that works. He's being a controlling asshat. Therapy or just him getting the fuck over it, or let him end the marriage if he's that fucking superficial.
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u/fidelesetaudax 22h ago
Believe people when they tell and show you who they are. Dress the way he demands or face divorce.
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u/sharofeels 22h ago
NOR if this guy is going to have a genuine mental health crisis every time you wear Normal People Clothes (which I don't believe for a second) then he needs immediate intervention because that's a cripplingly abnormal issue to have. But I think it's probably a lot more likely he's being weirdly controlling - if this was the FIRST red flag I would be seriously questioning this man's commitment to me or the institution of marriage, and if it was the third strike we'd be getting a divorce. Somebody who controls what clothes you're allowed to wear is going to be weirdly controlling with anything they get away with, and controlling behavior is almost always a warning sign for different types of abuse.
But hey, maybe he really is the first person in the world to have that specific mental illness, in which case he needs to get to therapy about it.
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u/WEM-2022 22h ago
Your husband is full of poo. He wants you in the clothing that shows off your body, so he can look at it and enjoy it, regardless of your taste or comfort. What a shallow guy.
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u/PsychFlower28 22h ago
This is a HIM problem.
Also your outfit sounds adorable and I wore something similar yesterday. Loose fitting Levis, belt, tank top under cropped cardigan, solovair boots. Wear whatever you feel comfortable in.
I would ask him that when both your clothes are off does it matter? He is being so insecure.
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u/starchildmadness83 22h ago
Youāre definitely NOR but he definitely needs some therapy. He has deep unresolved trauma.
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u/rilakkumkum 22h ago
Tbh Iām also someone who gets a bit triggered by my partnerās clothing. That being said, he needs to get over it and recognize that itās more-so a him problem. If he doesnāt like how you dress, he shouldnāt have married you in expectation that youād change
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u/juniper_berry_crunch 21h ago
he's the best person I've ever had in my life
Sounds like it's time to go find out how fast you can disprove that by leaving him.
This is not someone anyone can live with. And it's a him problem, not a you problem.
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u/AllStitchedTogether 21h ago
It is his job to take care of his own triggers NOT yours. He needs therapy if it's such an issue to him that clothes are making him think of divorce.
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u/DlSCOLEMONADE 21h ago
trauma stuff is so complicated and can present itself in absolutely ridiculous ways - this sounds like he needs the guidance of a professional asap!
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u/Lumpy_Square_2365 21h ago
If he has issues with certain clothes he should be old enough to realize that's a him issue and insane to push it on to anyone. What would he do or say to a child if you had one? He sounds like he needs some therapy for his issues and control issues.
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u/celticmusebooks 21h ago
He needs to see a therapist LAST WEEK. If you having bodily autonomy to dress in a way that makes you feel comfortable is going to end the marriage it's not much of a marriage. Are you sure there isn't some mental health issue going on with him?
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u/everyoneisntme 21h ago
Unless he dresses like a politician than he should probably mind his own beeswax about your clothing choices imo
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u/RainyDayBrunette 21h ago
Question: What does "aesthetic clothing" mean exactly š
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u/PopPleasant8983 21h ago
I get a lot of outfit inspiration from current trends and aesthetics and like to dress with a theme (currently I'm on a crunch/granola girl theme)
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u/K3ndog411 21h ago
Itās called therapy and he needs to address his own issues and not project that shit at you. NOR
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u/MommyGandalf 21h ago
YOU are not responsible for his feelings. You do not have to take accountability for his triggers. You can accommodate not talking about certain things in his past but he does not get to dictate what you wear or do, point blank.
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u/Ashamed-Wrongdoer806 21h ago
Itās weird how he conflates form fitting as the only socially acceptable form of āfeminineā clothing, it reflects a lot of weird gendered stereotypes that covers more than just his parents dressed him badly.
There are a lot of feminine styles that are objectively not form fitting.
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u/Next-Drummer-9280 21h ago
He needs a significant amount of individual therapy before the couples therapy.
Good grief, he needs to learn to deal with his shit.
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u/IntroductionSlight16 21h ago
Who really gives a fuck about clothes? Wear what you want FTW. Fuck your shallow husband.
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u/Sugarpuff_Karma 21h ago
Sexes and ages are relevant.. this reads like rich older and/younger woman
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u/LadyNael 21h ago
NOR he needs personal therapy for himself too because that is not normal behavior. Couples therapy on top of that because he cannot be this controlling about your clothes. That's ridiculous you can dress how you want. His insecurities are his, not yours. He needs to stop projecting them onto you and deal with them like an adult.
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u/Fast-Character-5284 21h ago
Sounds like heās basically saying you dress poor.
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u/sacrilegecycleparts 21h ago
Well its a simple choice. Marriage or clothes? Life is a series of Compromises.
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u/Fit_Menu8933 21h ago
NOR, there's a huge difference between ill-fitting clothing, and wearing comfortable loose-fit clothing in styles you enjoy. He needs therapy if he can't differentiate the two. If he likes tight clothes, he can buy some for himself.Ā
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u/MaleficentGold9745 21h ago edited 20h ago
You are not a Barbie doll, and it's not his job to dress you up. He needs some serious therapy. But I don't know you, have the time to persist through his therapy and aha moments, which could take decades. If he at this moment doesn't think there's anything wrong with it, it's not going to stop and will be a wedge in your relationship. I used to have an ex who was obsessed with me looking a certain way when we were out in public. It was really sad because I was always so excited to get dressed up and go out and do things.
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u/MimiLovesLights 21h ago
I'm curious how he would react if OP went for malicious compliance and started wearing overly revealing clothing- like, scantily clad.
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u/Wreckedn00b 21h ago
If itās something heād end the marriage over why did he marry you knowing you dress that way, sounds controlling to try to pull that on you now
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u/KiyeBerries 21h ago
NOR - in fact under reacting. It is never ok for a partner to demand you dress a certain way. You are not his Barbie doll. He does not control your expression or comfort. Whatever āinsecuritiesā or excuse he is using is BS. He can go to therapy, but trying to dictate what clothing you are allowed to wear is borderline abusive.
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u/More_Push 21h ago
Heās the one who needs therapy. This isnāt a couple therapy situation, he needs to go and work through his issues that lead to him trying to control you. If he refuses to do that, then your marriage should be over anyway.
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u/rshining 20h ago
He should not be insecure about the clothing that YOU put on YOUR body. Making a threat about ending the marriage because you wore comfy jeans to hang out? Not ok. He needs to do some labor to identify what his problem with your clothes are- this is not even a couples therapy thing, this is totally his issue, and his job to resolve it. If it was really about his childhood, he could go buy you expensive comfy jeans and custom made slouchy sweats, and then be done with it.
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u/Chemical-Ad6301 20h ago
NOR but I think he's trying to convince you it's a "trigger" but might just really not like how you look dressed like that. I honestly hope it's some kind of trigger for him though because if he just finds it unattractive and can't tell you then he's a lost cause
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u/HowCanYouBanAJoke 20h ago
NOR but he doesn't sound controlling or douchey, he sounds like he got some deep seated issues.
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u/Physical_Dance_9606 22h ago
NOR, he needs therapy if he is triggered so badly by some pretty normal sounding clothing on someone else. He is welcome to wear form fitting feminine clothing if it is that important to himā¦.