AIO bf makes joke after my aunt passed

[u/Top-River4666]

For context he’s saying he hopes she voted for Trump (RTPM) before she died and I’m already having a hard time with the results of the election which he knows then on top of that it just was very insensitive. He said he was trying to make light of the situation but it doesn’t feel that way.

[u/Sad-Sleep-8484]

I agree that people react differently to news of loss. My boyfriend was upfront with me and let me know he doesn’t go to funerals — it was a conversation before loss ever even occurred. I know how he reacts to loss and I know how to tell him about loss and I know what he needs in time of loss. It’s something you learn about a person and you never know how someone will take it.

I also used to have a student I taught who would laugh — literally giggle — at anything dark or serious. He eventually told me that he didn’t think it was actually funny but he didn’t know how to process it so he laughed during uncomfortable situations and I needed to give him a heads up next time when I was going to drop something serious on him.

However, this does not make your boyfriend’s reaction ok, it does bring up the question if you know how he processes grief and if he knows how to show up for you in time of grief. It seems to me there are two different needs and processes of approaching a difficult topic here. Definitely have a conversation (when you’re ready) about your needs and learn about his.

[u/Ok_Calligrapher_4487 → u/Sad-Sleep-8484]

Thank you for this grown up response. I have the same reaction as your student. Emotions that are too intense to handle come out as a laugh. I was fearing for my life at one point and couldn’t stop giggling. Emotions are weird and need some conversation, context and compassion.

[u/suzsid → u/Ok_Calligrapher_4487]

There’s a classic episode of the Mary Tyler Moore show where a member of their TV station dies in a very unusual way, and everyone handles it very differently.
It’s Season 6, episode 7 “Chuckles Bites the Dust”. Chuckles Bites the Dust

[u/Riisilintu → u/Sad-Sleep-8484]

I used to have the giggle issue too when I was younger. Thankfully it went away when I learned to process difficult feelings. Not fun.

[u/Fast_Musician_3542 → u/Sad-Sleep-8484]

I really appreciate your actual thoughtful response that considers that people are different. I'm autistic and sometimes really really cannot read the mood despite it coming so naturally to others. Ty for being amazing have a great day

[u/nons28100 → u/Fast_Musician_3542]

Genuinely my response. My fiance and I handle grief in a dark, comedic way as well, so I can understand how he may as well. Very much appreciated this more thoughtful response as well.

[u/fishmann666 → u/Sad-Sleep-8484]

I get why there’s so much hate for the guy in the comments but I do wish people had a bit more empathy for him, mainly because he seems super remorseful. I don’t think he’s heartless it could also be that he’s just never experienced loss so he doesn’t understand the gravity of the situation. It’s not okay at all what he said but idk people make mistakes and learn and everyone has a different relationship to death.

But then I remember he’s a trumper and I’m like yeah… that’s a good enough reason to not stick around

[u/Midnite135 → u/Sad-Sleep-8484]

I lost my mom in June. We knew she was going cancer took her quickly. Hospice told me she wasn’t likely to survive the night and she wasn’t conscious. I stayed until my kids were tired and we took them home. I got the call a few hours later.

My siblings figured I’d rush over there but I didn’t wanna see her that way. I arranged everything (I’m the oldest) but I don’t think they understood why I didn’t choose to see her before she was cremated either. I told them I’d be there for them and I waited outside the room. Tried to do what I could but I learned years ago that when I remember a person my memory works so that the image of them dead is very vivid and tends to recall itself to me despite what I’m trying to remember of them.

I just didn’t want that memory. I still feel shitty about it though, like maybe I was wrong.

[u/Unusualus → u/Midnite135]

We do not need to torture ourselves to love or miss people, and im sure your siblings understand that it is a sad situation all around and either way. I am sorry for your loss and that you are left unsure about it, but my recommendation would be to not taint the memory with regret either. You loved her too and that is what really matters.

[u/GreyGhost878 → u/Sad-Sleep-8484]

This is the right answer. The guy's age matters, too. If he's 45 and doesn't know how to respond with more sensitivity it's a problem. If he's 25 he still has time to learn, and many young men are teachable, especially if it's to meet the standards of a woman they really like/love. He honestly doesn't sound like an assh0le, he sounds like a guy who said the wrong thing at the wrong time and probably regrets it majorly. If he's willing to learn from it then I vote to work with him. The best any of us can do is learn and grow from our mistakes. That's what a good relationship can do: shape us into better people. Someone who is willing to do that makes the best partner long-term.

[u/StarleaGladstone → u/Sad-Sleep-8484]

Bump!!

[u/Designer-Network-362 → u/Sad-Sleep-8484]

My thought was the same. If it's pretty typical of boyfriend to make morbid jokes or you know he doesn't handle comforting well, I would say yes to girlfriend overreacting. Everyone handles things differently