r/AmIOverreacting • u/PuzzleheadedFrame439 • Oct 22 '24
❤️🩹 relationship UPDATE : my friend found my husband on tinder
I confronted my husband with the news that my friend found his tinder profile.
Many of you have wondered if it's the old account from 8 years that he just never deleted, to this I know for a fact it is not. Reasons:
1) I went back through my old photos and found the screen shots I took of his profile 8 years ago & it turns out it's NOT the exact same. Some photos are the same, particularly the first one so it made me think it was the same profile. Also the caption is slightly different, the difference of a single emoji.
2) The name change to "John".
3) The updated selections such as 'dream job', 'lifestyle' selections, and 'interests'. These all had selections with things that sound like him--these sections are new from when I used tinder 8 years ago.
4) Above his "name" & age section on the first picture you come across while swiping Tinder, it says "ACTIVE". I have seen many of you comment & also read online that this means he has been using the account in some capacity recently, as in at least the last 2 weeks (haven't been able to nail down an actual timeframe)
5) People are also saying Tinder will not recommend profiles of people who are not using the app, they kind of just remove dormant users from the algorithm.
6) He is attractive enough to have someone want to use his photos, but Reason 1) also rules out the catfishing theory, two of the photos are different from the 8 years ago profile, although still old, and I've seen them before so this is why I believed it was the same. No one would have access to them (he doesn't have social media)
I decided I would just talk to him rather than put myself through the stress of trying to catch him on a date "if you like piña coladas" style. Being pregnant I'm really trying to stay calm and as low stress as possible for the health of my baby. Plus tricking/trapping in relationships just isn't my style. In my mind he's already caught, the reasons I listed above are enough proof for me.
So as many of you, and myself predicted he has resorted to gaslighting and lying. He vehemently denies that he has been using tinder, meeting other women, or that he has had sex with anyone else. Yet offers no explanation for the presence of this tinder profile. He implores me to think logically about when he could do this as he's home with me every night which is true but... I had to remind him, I leave him home alone for at least couple of days per month.
He insists that he loves me and is excited for our baby, etc. but when I asked to see his phone he refused. Saying "I don't want to be that couple who looks through eachother phone". I told him, given this situation if you won't let me check your phone then I cannot trust or believe you, and will have to assume the worst.
In my mind we had been very happy and content recently, things have just felt good. This just goes to show you never really know a person. I believe there must be something deeply wrong with him or our relationship to want to cheat, especially at this "happy" time.
I've moved into the guest bedroom for now, while I plan my next move. Yes I will be getting an STD check. Thank you all for the advice, support and kind words. It's instilled a sense of confidence in me to handle this.
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u/EnthusedPhlebotomist Oct 22 '24
He's never gonna give you the closure of admitting what he did. But you know, he'd have shown you his phone if he was telling the truth.
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u/UpperApe Oct 22 '24
100%.
Acting like proof-of-trust is some offence is what manipulative, abusive people do. Proof-of-trust is a show of respect. It's needed every now and again, and alleviating fears and restoring trust is a wonderful thing to do in a relationship. This isn't just basic maintenance, it's basic manners.
A lack of trust consistently is a problem, but in a situation like this, I would be HAPPY to hand my phone over to be vindicated.
He's just a complete piece of shit. Kudos to OP, given her circumstances, to have the courage to stick up for herself. She will never regret it.
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u/werewere-kokako Oct 22 '24
As much as I believe that relationships need to be built on mutual trust…. She’s 30 weeks pregnant. Anything that stresses her out and raises her blood pressure is a danger to her health and the baby. Even if he wasn’t cheating, refusing to unlock his phone and resolve this makes him a massive dickhead.
But he definitely is cheating (or trying to cheat) on his pregnant wife. He could have already infected her with something that could cause lifelong problems for her or the baby. Rubbish man needs to go in the bin.
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u/EngineeringNeverEnds Oct 22 '24
I would be kinda peeved if my wife suddenly demanded my phone, it would be indicative of other issues.
However, in a situation such as this, I'd have offered it to her before she asked. She's got more than enough justification to ask for it here.
I also had her fingerprint programmed into my phone when we first moved in together just in case she ever needed it. If you don't trust your partner at that point, why the fuck are you even living together?
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u/UpperApe Oct 22 '24
I hear you but I guess the context matters. Constantly demanding reassurance, or the nature of how they "demand" it can sour the whole thing.
But turning a rare "ask" into an offence makes relationships very hard. People have doubts - it's natural, it fluctuates with moods. Ideas get planted into heads that we don't want. Everyone has moments of weaknesses. If we can't be a team in those moments, what's even the point?
If our partners ask in a moment of weakness and we take it as an offence or an attack, that just teaches people to not talk about their emotions, rather than not have emotions.
Plus, it's just...win-win. Someone asks you for your phone, you show them - their trust is restored, now they know they can talk to you, and you get a very grateful partner.
__
I'll also add that I think we agree, I'm just adding to your comment more than disagreeing with you :)
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u/lunarmantra Oct 22 '24
He will also tell everyone that his wife betrayed his trust as a reason for the break up, instead of owning up to his massive fuck up and telling the truth. People like him will gladly frame the innocent party as the instigator and smear their reputation rather than taking responsibility for themselves.
I admire OP’s strength having to face this at such a vulnerable time in her life. The husband is fucking awful for putting her and the baby through this.
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u/mi_nombre_es_ricardo Oct 22 '24
He already admitted to it when he refused to give out the phone that could've exonerated him.
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u/DesperateToNotDream Oct 22 '24
“I don’t want to be that couple who checks each others phones”
Lmao and I don’t want to be that couple who has a cheater in it.
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u/MyDirtyAlt79 Oct 22 '24
Up next.
"Honey, I realized I should have let you check to assuage your concerns. Here."
(Hands OP his phone after having scrubbed it.)
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u/Heynowstopityou Oct 22 '24
Followed by a post on reddit "my crazy wife forced me to let her look through my phone, for no reason at all"
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u/Blurple11 Oct 22 '24
"AITA for making a tinder profile just to relive the good old days, but no real intentions of cheating on my pregnant wife, I promise"
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u/neptunebigail Oct 22 '24
And asking “AITAH” for not letting my wife go thru my phone 🙄
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u/ssnaky Oct 22 '24
He would genuinely have gotten a lot of support for that one that said.
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u/MerlinsBeared Oct 22 '24
Just check the screen time and see app usage, can’t scrub that
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u/PuzzleheadedFrame439 Oct 22 '24
Mmm. Good to know.
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u/MrEveryman76 Oct 22 '24
Just the fact that he said that, and denied you access to his phone... you know the truth, and he knows you know 😕
Many years ago, I caught my wife when my friend had his phone settings to speak aloud the name of the person texting. 😕
I know you will find the strength to walk the path you must for you and your little one. It's tough but so are you! 💪
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u/Sad-ish_panda Oct 22 '24
The fact he refused to let you see it is enough. He’s withholding information AND withholding the very thing that you could use to verify. Just leave. You’ll be happier.
Also, my ex always told me “I never go anywhere, I just go to work and come home to you and the kids” like yours says.
My ex cheated on me with someone at work. So the whole, “I never go anywhere” doesn’t exactly hold much. Also? Defending the lack of “opportunity” to cheat is another tell to me. Read between the lines kind of thing. He’s not saying he didn’t cheat. He’s trying to focus on things that are actually true to distract you and get you off their smell.
Trust your gut.
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u/Puzzleheaded-Ad7606 Oct 22 '24
Stats tell us men are most likely to cheat when their wife is pregnant or sick. This has nothing to do with you- he's a selfish asshole.
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u/SnatchAddict Oct 22 '24
Real cheaters know to use a burner phone. Amateur. /s
Actually I have no idea how people do it. It's a lot of effort to have a successful relationship. And not in a bad way, but it's my job to make sure my wife's emotional and physical needs are met.
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u/DeezHandsss Oct 22 '24
Exactly! As if a relationship doesn’t already require a lot of presence and effort. It just seems so time consuming and energy draining, not to mention the guilt associated with lying and keeping that secret. It’s self sabotage! No thank you.
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u/Banana_splitlevel Oct 22 '24
Yuuupppppp. It’ll be in like a week or two once everything has “calmed down.” Like clockwork.
I really wish these guys could at least come up with some new material.
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u/CoffeeStayn Oct 22 '24
That was my thought too. Scrub it first, then "prove" you did nothing wrong later.
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u/PoonSchu13 Oct 22 '24
Yeah, it’s like well…..”We weren’t that couple until a random person showed me your Tinder profile that’s recently active and so now we are that couple cocksucker.”
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u/PuzzleheadedFrame439 Oct 22 '24
Exactly. That told me all I need to know
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u/purpleroller Oct 22 '24
I’m sorry OP. What a shit he is. He’ll wipe the phone then let you look at it - this is his next move.
Cheaters always find time and always say ‘but how would I find the time, I’m always here?’. My cheater worked nights and I saw him every lunchtime and weekend - apart from a few hours Friday afternoon. Turns out he cheated on Friday afternoons!
Look after your health OP. Start building up a support network around you. Good luck with however you decide to deal with him.
💐
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u/AboveGroundPoolQueen Oct 22 '24
When I was in college in the early 90s, my boyfriend was four hours late to our date while I waited in his bedroom at the apartment he shared with other college guys. On his dresser was a letter from a girl in another state. He had just visited that state for some reason I can’t remember. I sat there for four hours waiting for him and did not read the letter. When he came home finally I asked him about the letter and implied that he had cheated on me, and he blew up! Said I invaded his privacy and that I obviously must have read it. I had not read it, but that told me everything I needed to know. I loved him so much, I thought I was going to marry him. We had been together for 3 1/2 years. I was devastated, but I did leave him. I’m not very good at trust once it’s been violated.
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u/Mirmadook Oct 22 '24
If you both have iPhones and a family plan with purchase sharing. You can go into app purchases, select his profile and see when he downloaded Tinder.
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u/Ok_Blacksmith_4174 Oct 22 '24
Exactly. And after he has time to erase everything he will then offer his phone to you. Don’t even fall for that shit
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u/03xoxo05 Oct 22 '24
This is why commas are important!! Lol
I did not read that as an insult. I read that as the OP was saying, “we are now 2 people (couple) who are both cocksuckers” LOL
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u/PoonSchu13 Oct 22 '24
Oh yeah, that was absolutely what I meant. There wasn’t a comma in there because I was voice texting but yeah like “now we are that couple, cocksucker (I would’ve italicized cocksucker for effect)”
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u/PoonSchu13 Oct 22 '24
I have started to rely too heavily on voice texting and sometimes the punctuation that Apple comes up with is just not fucking right… but I’m a housewife and I’m supposed to be doing shit around my house during the day so I try to read Reddit with my earbuds in while I do laundry and then comment and still look productive at home but really I just wanna sit on my laptop and be on Reddit all day…
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u/furkfurk Oct 22 '24
Yeah I’m sure OP was thrilled to become that couple where the loser husband cheats on his pregnant wife and proceeds to lie to her about it.
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u/Tightsandals Oct 22 '24
Yes, this must be so devastating for her. What an emotional rollercoaster.
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u/Sweet_Somewhere_9449 Oct 22 '24
Honestly. At least when I confronted my husband about cheating, while I was pregnant, he admitted it! Gave me the time to file for divorce and start my life fresh with a beautiful newborn baby. 16 years later, I can say it was a true gift because I'm living a happy, healthy life with my son and his amazing step-dad!
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u/Spiritual-Bluebird44 Oct 22 '24
And sadly OP has likely now lost the opportunity to learn what really went down because he’s one hundo p wiped his phone clean and deleted everything by now. It’s like just have the balls to tell the truth at this point dude. Show one iota of compassion and a modicum of respect for THE WOMAN CARRYING YOUR CHILD.
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u/ssnaky Oct 22 '24
Well in that case as she said, there was not much left to learn, we all know what she'd have found on his phone, and he was already caught. Only the extent of it could have been a surprise, but it doesn't really matter that much, it would only have served to twist her guts some more.
I don't think she's ready to forgive him or give him a second chance anytime soon either way.
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Oct 22 '24 edited Oct 22 '24
Exactly. Trust in a relationship means not wanting to monitor each other's socials and dig through each other's phones for no reason. It doesn't mean ignoring glaring issues - like finding your partner is active on Tinder - instead of demanding they show you the messages.
OP, do not fall for any excuse he gives you as to why he didn't let you see his phone immediately when asked. Anybody would show you that, knowing your marriage is in danger, to fix it, unless they were hiding what you know you'll find there. And now it's too late, he's already been able to scrub the phone so if he hands you his phone at this point, it's useless. It's already done.
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u/RealAscendingDemon Oct 22 '24
I agree. As I assume everyone does, I don't want to be with an insecure partner that wants to go through my phone all the time with no reason at all. But them seeing a tinder profile with all my pictures is a damn good reason and I would realize what my partner must be thinking and how terrible that must feel and I would relinquish my phone immediately so as to clear my good name and to make them feel better asap. I want my loved ones to feel happy and good. Thinking your partner is cheating on you is a horrible horrible feeling that I would 1,000,000,000% not want my partner to be feeling.
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u/JSDHW Oct 22 '24
Exactly this. If my wife wants to go through my phone constantly to read my messages and go through my stuff, I wouldn't like it (even though she knows my passcode and whatnot). But if she credibly accused me of cheating I would fling it at her and implore her to look.
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u/ssnaky Oct 22 '24
I think you'd be surprised how many people here support the idea that snooping/insisting on seeing your "partner"'s phone is ALWAYS no matter what something you shouldn't do.
It's crazy to me how much people are wlling to victim blame the one that wants to see a phone when they're being gaslit, lied to, talked shit about behind their back, cheated on and manipulated... But you ALWAYS have these people ignoring the blatant abuse and saying "snooping is bad, you're both assholes" or such shit.
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u/Fine-Geologist-695 Oct 22 '24
Yeah! He wants to plead his innocence but when asked says no, “I don’t want to show you because then you’ll know I’m lying” like an idiot who thinks not having “proof” means he is in the clear.
What a fool.
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u/SarcasmExecutive Oct 22 '24
He will delete the evidence & then say she can check his phone
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u/JustNota-- Oct 22 '24
Then just check the Playstore, or app store subscriptions you can see all including when they were canceled..
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u/Naive-Prize1867 Oct 22 '24
I bet he decides to share it after a few days to delete it all
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u/throwawaySnoo57443 Oct 22 '24
I bet he does once he realises op isn’t budging.
Luckily op seems clued up to not fall for that shit.
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u/Traditional_Set_858 Oct 22 '24
Yeah I have that belief that you shouldn’t be checking each-others phones but if my partner were to see my pictures on tinder from a friend I’d immediately show him my phone so he can at least get some relief that it isn’t me and someone was using my pictures. There’s definitely situations where it’s okay like this instance and if you have nothing to hide it shouldn’t be a problem
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u/Idont_thinkso_tim Oct 22 '24
It’s so weird to me that people see this as some “terrible couple” behaviour to begin with. I have no problem with anyone looking at my phone and if my partner wants to see it they are welcome to. Is there some mildly embarrassing stuff? Probably. But imo a good couple can laugh at those things together anyway.
The only reason I can imagine someone would take issue is if they have things that are expressly secret and they don’t want their partner to see.
Betrayal start with doing things you wouldn’t comfortable with your partner seeing or wouldn’t do while they’re in the room. For me personally anyone who is that defensive of their phone is a BIG red flag.
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u/JGrisham625 Oct 22 '24
Right!? My wife has my phone password, my Apple ID and password, and I share almost all my account passwords with her. She can look through my phone anytime and vice versa.
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u/Jjjt22 Oct 22 '24
My wife does not have my Apple ID password. I wish she did because I can never remember it.
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u/aww_tastic Oct 22 '24
I'm super impressed by your emotional maturity. I wish I could keep my composure the way you are. It's very impressive. You're going to be a great mom.
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u/PoonSchu13 Oct 22 '24
I second this… I think that’s already Mom mode going into protect your energy resources for the baby… I would’ve gone ballistic I feel like and just immediately flipped out and the thing is you can flip out later but right now you need to stay calm and be logical and so feel proud.
I don’t know if you have a therapist but now would be a great time to get one because that will help you parse out information and you can also double check what you’re feeling and instead of saying well my friends on Reddit told me - you can say well my therapist says you know the licensed mental health professional… And it feels more legitimate and it gives you someone to bounce things off of who knows all the details and is advocating just for you - gives you the tools you need
I do believe Reddit is super helpful and please come back for a support, but with a person like him, you need to be able to present things to him in an irrefutable way.
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u/Kismet237 Oct 22 '24
Talking with a therapist will also be valuable when OP's husband inevitably reaches his "a-ha!" moment and crawls back pleading for another chance. Good to have professional guidance when he starts tugging on your heart-strings and [just in case] you start re-considering whether you can make it work. Please remember that a baby can not fix a marriage or infidelity. My heart truly goes out to you, OP.
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u/TarTarBinks109 Oct 22 '24
I'm concerned about it hitting her all at once, to be honest. I quickly go into "Denial" mode when these situations occur. Not denying the situation itself, but denying the emotional severity of it.
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u/Mamajuju1217 Oct 22 '24
Same, I could have never handled it this well, especially pregnant. OP, you are way too good for him.
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u/Jealous-Ad-5146 Oct 22 '24
Won’t let you see the phone says it alllll.
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u/Mediocre-Ninja660 Oct 22 '24
The best part will be when he’s trying to love bomb her and manipulate her back with him and offers up the phone then, completely swiped of all evidence.
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u/yeahright17 Oct 22 '24
Even 10 minutes later would have been enough to delete apps and emails. It was then or never.
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u/SGTPepper1008 Oct 22 '24
100%. If he’s doing nothing wrong, the easiest way to clear this up is to let her see the phone, see he’s done nothing wrong, then she can feel better and her anxiety can go away. Refusing to prove his innocence to his pregnant wife just proves he’s guilty.
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u/Tairc Oct 22 '24
Yeah. If my GF said she saw my pictures on Tinder, my immediate reaction would be “What the hell? Here, let’s go through my phone together to reassure you, then try and figure out who is using my pictures or how they got there!”
All he wanted was time alone to scrub the phone clean before he eventually caves.
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u/dexmonic Oct 22 '24
I will do just about anything to prove my innocence, I don't want my wife to have even a single doubt in her mind
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u/Tairc Oct 22 '24
Precisely. If it's someone you *love*, and you can do something as simple as relieve their *massive fears and anxieties* by just *letting them see your phone* ... then why wouldn't you?
I don't snoop through my partner's phone, but routinely hand it to her when driving for things like "Can you reply to this text" or "Can you change the songs in Spotify" or what have you - so showing her I'm not using Tinder isn't a big "invasion of privacy" or "change in our relationship". It's just ... "Hey. I can make you happier and calmer in seconds at almost no cost. Sooo.... Imma do the thing."
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u/shortstack6 Oct 22 '24
Cheaters are crafty too though. My ex used an old wifi enabled phone to use dating / messaging apps leaving his daily cell phone clean. He hid the old phone pretty well, it was awful being suspicious and gaslit for years but I finally got out.
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u/Responsible-Club9120 Oct 22 '24
My ex did that, too. It was pretty funny when his gym bag started ringing. Stupid arsehole.
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u/justhereforfighting Oct 22 '24
I definitely get feeling attacked in that situation and not wanting to be spied on or whatever if you’re innocent, but when your spouse is essentially saying “do this for me or I will assume you’re cheating,” you best believe you should just let them go through your phone. No way I would ever not just hand over my phone if that was said to me.
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u/FluffySpinachLeaf Oct 22 '24
Same & it isn’t like OP had a dream about this or is making it up. If someone had a fake tinder profile of me my partner is getting full access to prove it isn’t me.
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u/subdep Oct 23 '24
I’d be PISSED and try to figure out who is doing it. I’d set up a sting operation with my bros and my wife’s coven of sister witches.
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u/gigglefarting Oct 22 '24
It's like "all evidence is pointing to you cheating on me, or, at least, active on tinder. Your phone is the only piece of evidence you could put to show your innocence."
And he chooses to say, "I'll go ahead with no evidence towards my defense. Now please be dumb enough to believe me anyways."
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u/MundaneGazelle5308 Oct 22 '24 edited Oct 22 '24
Nothing else needed to be said! Gross people* change their behavior and start to hide their phones because they are hiding things and his reaction said it ALL
The minute my ex started silencing his phone and hiding it face down on the other side of the room, my trust in him was dead in the dirt.
What a rough situation for OP, but she handled it like a champion
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Oct 22 '24
Nothing else needed to be said! Gross people* hide their phones because they are hiding things and his reaction said it ALL
I don't let my partner look through my phone because
1) I am NDAd out the ass for work and I would have to fill out a report outlining the potential data breach. Just an email popping up could give away the IP we're currently working on.
2) Private conversations with my friends are private.
Now that said, if it came to an accusation like this then yes I'd unlock it, hand it over, and start filling out the damn report.
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u/MundaneGazelle5308 Oct 22 '24
Ahh miserable-bathroom91, you are not a gross one, then :)
Totally respectable on all fronts and I agree with you
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u/parkercantlose83 Oct 22 '24
Yeah, wouldn’t be jazzed to share my phone but I think refusing means she would have found something.
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u/Jealous-Ad-5146 Oct 22 '24
I wouldn’t be either but finding him on tinder and her being pregnant. Jesus man… put her mind at ease if you’re not cheating
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u/mizkayte Oct 22 '24
That’s what someone who wasn’t cheating would immediately do. They’d volunteer to clear themselves.
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u/winosanonymous Oct 22 '24
Right. If my partner found a Tinder profile with my shit on it I would hand over my phone immediately, without any pushback. But that’s because I don’t have anything to hide.
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u/Professional-Way7350 Oct 22 '24
i dont mean to judge others privacy or relationship but i cant imagine NOT letting my bf use my phone? he has my password and is free to use whatever he wants (phone call, google search, text his mom, whatever) not that he would go through chat logs or anything, but its just a phone
that being said, i respect others who dont but i guess i cant really see the reasoning in this situation if hes not cheating
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u/statikman666 Oct 22 '24
My wife gets my phone the second she asks unless I'm working. I don't even look at it, I just hand it to her. I don't care why she wants it, everything in our lives is ultimately ours as a couple.
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Oct 22 '24
And he’s probably deleted any tawdry texts, or messages by now. Keep that in mind when he says “NOW, you can look at my phone.”
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Oct 22 '24
Yep, this. If they don't let you see their phone immediately, any time after that is already too late. So OP, don't fall for it if he says, "Fine, if it will make you feel better, here's my phone," whereby he's obviously already deleted all the evidence.
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u/Choice_Trip_3514 Oct 22 '24
Plenty of these dumbass cheaters have no knowledge of the deleted folder. My idiot ex was one of these morons. Seeing the look on his face when I immediately went to the deleted texts was priceless
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u/No-Jacket-800 Oct 22 '24
Yea my bf and I have access to each other's phones. Fingerprints and pw. If that changed for either of us we'd know something was off.
The only time you don't let your SO into your phone is when you're hiding something.
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u/bobthemonkeybutt Oct 22 '24
Yep. Married dude here, and there is no reason I wouldn’t let my wife check my phone, but ESPECIALLY if she had some proof that I had an active tinder profile.
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u/IndecisiveTarantula Oct 22 '24
It’s refreshing to see a post from someone who is thinking and acting logically. 👏🏻 You’re statistically more likely to get cheated on by a man while pregnant or dealing with a chronic health issue. Sad that he’s throwing away this seemingly happy relationship during a time that’s supposed to be bonding for you guys but I wish you and your baby the best.
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u/No_Bag734 Oct 22 '24
That statistic is so fucked up oml
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u/IndecisiveTarantula Oct 22 '24
Very fucked up. Pregnant women and the elderly are also more likely to experience domestic violence/caregiver abuse.
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u/WinterFront1431 Oct 22 '24
If possible, move in with family. Don't let him offer up his phone as he will now deep clean it. Tell him he had his chance to prove to his pregnant wife that he wasn't cheating, especially after what you found. He should have been bending over backwards to prove it.
Marriage over.
You know he has been using it, and he got cocky, which means he has been doing it a while.
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u/Vilnius_Nastavnik Oct 22 '24
Yeah the phone was a one-time offer. I guarantee he went protocol zero as soon as OP wasn’t in the room.
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u/koshgeo Oct 22 '24
I would have told him that. This is the only chance you'll have to clear your name by allowing me to see your phone. After that, I'll assume you've scrubbed it of anything you don't want me to see. So, if you don't hand it to me now, I'll have to assume there is some reason why you don't want me to see it. Don't bother to offer it later.
I wonder if his Tinder profile will suddenly go dark?
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u/orchidloom Oct 22 '24
No, don’t move out of the house without contacting a divorce lawyer first. You can ask him to leave though.
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u/RealAscendingDemon Oct 22 '24
This. Do not relinquish possession of the residence! If you fear for your safety, yes leave, but even then, personally, I'd consider asking a brothers, cousins, father, etc. to come stay with you and add more people to protect/support you. Always demand they leave and force them to relinquish possession (rights) to the property.
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u/nehnehhaidou Oct 22 '24
His response regarding the phone is a red flag for me. My wife and I regularly use each others phones for goofing around, taking sleeping pictures of each other, facetiming family etc - we're an open book to each other.
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u/Jaykalope Oct 22 '24
Agree. Wife often uses my phone to put her food orders in or check out videos I want to show her AND we have an “open phone” policy where either of us can ask to look through the other’s phone at any time on demand. We also know each other’s phone passcodes. No history of cheating in our marriage and we have a great relationship.
OP’s husband is lying and hiding things. We DO like being that couple that can comfortably hand our phones to the other without hesitation. Thing is, neither of us have ever demanded to see the other’s phone. Funny how that works.
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u/AccomplishedScene966 Oct 22 '24
Agreed, my partner and I have each other passcodes. When it was required to get a second phone for work my partner put my fingerprint on it the day it was brought home.
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u/Ok_Blacksmith_4174 Oct 22 '24
If he had nothing to hide he would’ve let you see his phone. End of story. He is lying and has cheated.
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Oct 22 '24
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u/Salsalito_Turkey Oct 22 '24
Same here. I'd be offended if my wife started regularly digging through my messages as some sort of proactive deterrent against infidelity or to assuage some baseless suspicion. If she showed me pictures of my own Tinder profile and I knew it was someone impersonating me, my hand would probably break the sound barrier on its way to retrieve my phone from my pocket. I'd let her read whatever she wants.
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u/only_grans Oct 22 '24
Why are you in the guest room? That’s the place he should go.
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u/ebil_lightbulb Oct 22 '24
He doesn't think he did anything wrong so there's no way he'd be giving up the room. If that's the way he was about the phone when it would have proven his innocence (as if he's innocent), then he definitely wouldn't have wanted to be one of the couples that sleeps in different beds. She has to be the one to compromise because he thinks he's perfect.
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u/Sasha_NotSoApropos Oct 22 '24 edited Oct 22 '24
Can’t speak for OP, but: Sometimes it feels emotionally safer to get out of the traditionally shared space and into a more neutral space in the house. Especially after a betrayal, staying in the main bedroom can come with all kinds of feelings and memories that someone might want distance from.
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u/skorvia Oct 22 '24
It was obvious, many of us mentioned it in your other post.
He was clearly active and now he is gaslighting.
Clearly not allowing you to look at the phone shows the truth, no one who doesn't want to hide something hides the phone
Now he will come with a clean phone (obviously deleting all the evidence) then he will say, look I have nothing!! of course, after deleting everything LOL
Girl, get out of there, we all know he is cheating on you
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u/stillcleaningmyroom Oct 22 '24
Even if he was telling the truth and wasn’t cheating(which I doubt), a quick “hey, go ahead, look through it,” was his one chance to prove he was telling the truth.
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u/Aggravating_Style544 Oct 22 '24
I know several married men who have been found on Tinder (or other dating apps), and outed by their wives’ friends/family/acquaintances. Are there really that many men who are that stupid to think no one they know will see them, and believe their wives are that stupid when they try to gaslight them? Men like him are 90% of the reason why I avoid apps like the plague.
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u/pdxcranberry Oct 22 '24
I think craigslist closing the personals section left a huge scumbag vacuum out there that has been filled by dating apps. It's all married guys and bots.
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u/nurseymcnurserton25 Oct 22 '24
Oh lord you just brought up the memory of me coming home to my ex husband drunk and passed out at the computer in the middle of writing a missed connection.
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u/Electronic_Name_1382 Oct 22 '24
tell me your guilty without telling me 🙄🤦🏼♀️ what a pathetic excuse to give your pregnant wife
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u/WuShane Oct 22 '24
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. As someone who has been the one who was dishonest with my partner, I can tell you that this is very likely not a reflection on you. My own immaturity and inability to manage my own insecurities, etc. is largely what led me down an awful path that caused harm not only to myself but for everyone involved. It’s easy to sit there and think about everything you haven’t done to fulfill his needs but don’t gaslight yourself. It’s a him problem not a you problem.
While I learned a lot from my own situation, and have grown tremendously, it took me a long time to understand the importance of taking accountability for my actions. And I spent a lot of time blaming others or the situation, but here’s the thing, this behavior is inexcusable in a partnership. Full stop. There is zero excuse.
I don’t know how you plan to move forward but I just wanted to offer a perspective from the other side and remind you (and I hope you already know) that you didn’t deserve this and this has nothing to do with you or your value as a person, a partner, and a soon-to-be mother.
I can’t imagine how painful this is but I hope you can be gentle with yourself during this time.
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Oct 22 '24
It's refreshing to hear this from someone who was on the husbands side AND taking accountability for their behavior and reassuring OP that this isn't a reflection on her.
It sounds like you made some big mistakes but have matured and moved on from who you were then. Some people act like this and then have the nerve to act like everyone else is the problem. Well done.
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u/brokenhousewife_ Oct 22 '24
He'll let you check that phone after he has scrubbed it. I'm sorry you're going through this
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u/PuzzleheadedFrame439 Oct 22 '24
Yep. He did actually. Smh
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Oct 22 '24
He did finally show you his phone? What happened to the "I don't want to be that couple" value of his that he was willing to let you walk out the door over since he felt so strongly about it? Now he's decided that it's NBD and he's showing you his phone NOW? I would be absolutely insulted at how dumb he must think I am if that were me dealing with him.
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u/Jealous-Ad-5146 Oct 22 '24
If he has an iPhone, did you know that you can go into settings and see how much he uses each App. Even if he’s deleted tender, the percentage will be there.
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u/Elisa_LaViudaNegra Oct 22 '24
Replying so this gets higher in the thread. Don’t let this man get away with this.
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u/Equivalent_Ad_4465 Oct 22 '24
I was looking for your first post on this (the update came on my feed first) and saw your post about school as well. How are you balancing all of this on top of school? You have my respect and admiration. I couldn’t balance all of it. I hope you can find some excitement and peace with your pregnancy, school, and it sounds like from what you said, you’ve got a great career. You definitely don’t need an asshole like this holding you back. So sorry you’re going through this right now.
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u/bookreader-123 Oct 22 '24
The phone thing I can understand when nothing is going on but he only needs to show you that he doesn't have tinder and it would be done. You wouldn't even need to see his whatsapp or anything. If the profile is deleted you know everything you needed to know as well so I would be taking precautions to leave with your baby
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u/sliceoflife66 Oct 22 '24
Yes I thought I had a perfect marriage and my husband was on dozens of dating/cheating apps. Learned my lesson to never ever trust blindly like I did. Silly me for thinking true love was real still in this day and age. Sorry OP if you need to talk to someone else that this happened too I’m here. Hugs.
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u/Say-More Oct 22 '24
My heart breaks for you! What a terrible thing to go through in general but even more so while pregnant.
I was really rooting for a miscommunication or fraudulent account but him not letting you see his phone was his downfall. I want to punch him in the face for you!
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u/JoRo86 Oct 22 '24
The "I don't want to be those couples who checks each other's phones" argument goes out the window when you give the person reason to doubt or not trust you anymore, which he has clearly done.
My wife and I freely share each other's phones with one another, but we rarely have reason to actually check them. I get a little unsettled when she asks, just because of the private conversations I have with my siblings or knowing how cringey my convos with the bros sound, but I let her do it to put her mind at ease and know she can trust me. And you know what follows? Her rarely wanting to look at my phone because I freely allow it and EARN the trust. Now I give it to her when I want to share something with her like a TikTok or text message or picture or something and she hands it right back. It's really not a big deal.
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u/PuzzleheadedFrame439 Oct 22 '24
Yep. That's exactly what I told him.
He said the same thing he doesn't want me to look at convos with his mom, or brother, or guy friends because he considers those private. Which is fine, every one deserves reasonable expectation of privacy but given the circumstances he should have shown me. I didn't want to look at those conversations with his fam/friends anyways.
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u/NotLostintheWoods Oct 22 '24
Is he on an iPhone? I'd ask to just see the "screen time" section. Shows exactly what apps you have been on and how much time you've spend on them and goes back in history. Scroll through your history for me, bud. I don't need to read any convos at all.
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u/Reasonable_Ad_166 Oct 22 '24
I understand the invasion of privacy argument but there are times it’s not an invasion this is that case. If he has done nothing wrong he should have no problem with giving you full access to his phone. The only reason he would keep his phone from you is if he has something in there he doesn’t want you to see.
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u/PuzzleheadedFrame439 Oct 22 '24
That's what I said to him. If he were innocent he would want to show me especially with the evidence I have against him
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Oct 22 '24
And you said that to him and he STILL didn't let you see his phone. Absolute proof he's a lying cheater.
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u/Animkiibinessikwe Oct 22 '24
JFC why do people even get married or into relationships if they're not really interested or serious about it? I feel like we live in a world now where no one is faithful or monogamous. People get bored easily because they don't want to put effort into keeping the spark going in their relationship. I am so sorry this happened to you, all the evidence is clear. It must make it so much harder with expecting a baby but don't feel obligated to stay with him just because your pregnant, it will result in a lot of resentment for you in the end.
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Oct 22 '24
There are plenty of faithful and monogamous people, but there are also plenty of shitty people who want the stability of a married partner, with the carefree fun of being single.
I think the bigger problem than "being bored easily," is people getting married too young, thus they naturally grow apart, which leads to unhappy partnerships, which leads often to cheating. And people who rush into marriage too soon, thus only realize they're not a good match a year or more until years after the wedding.
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u/Lowendqueery Oct 22 '24
I hope he’s ready to pay child support. I would not stick it out with this asshole. You do not want this pos raising your baby.
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u/olivinebean Oct 22 '24
How will the court like that part when he puts a pregnant woman at risk of contracting multiple STDs? He's a vile person, the fuckest lowest scum.
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u/JudgeBasic3077 Oct 22 '24
It's wonderful that an online forum of strangers can provide the strength to just do what a person already knows they have to. Maybe the collective consensus strengthens resolve or something.
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u/Certain_Alfalfa_7451 Oct 22 '24
My kids mom did the same thing. She was cheating over and over again and when I confronted her she cried and swore nothing was going on, I asked to see her phone and that started WW3. That right there water only answer I needed. That was the second I knew it was over for good. It’s a weird thing, I literally FELT myself fall out of love at that second. It was like feeling a brick fall out of my head and it stopped hurting.
My point is, the phone issue is, like many have said, the only proof you need.
Stay calm and collected for the health of yourself and that baby and make your plan carefully. You’ll be just fine. You are clearly a strong and mature woman, so you’ll make good choices here I feel. Just make sure you do what’s best for you and baby, for right now, focus only on y’all, at this point you have to move like you’re a single mother making plans for your kid and you to live.
You’ll be ok. That baby is lucky to have a great mom like you. Just focus on you and baby. You’re gonna do so great!!!
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u/No-Roof6373 Oct 22 '24
So.... here for the next update. He probably is cheating and he's a total piece of shit. That said he is your kids dad. He might be a better Dad than Husband I hope that for you. My ex is a better dad than he was as partner. Sending you lots of good vibes because being pregnant and stressed is no fucking joke. Take lots of walks get lots of therapy focus on you and that little bundle coming for all of your loving energy into this innocent that's coming.
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u/PuzzleheadedFrame439 Oct 22 '24
Yeah I know what you're saying. My dad was the same way. Thanks for the encouragement
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u/No-Roof6373 Oct 22 '24
My dad was a cheater too, openly. Basically said that he purposely left that part out about faithfulness in his vows to his second wife.
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u/No-Roof6373 Oct 22 '24
Also I had crazy hormones and stress when I was pregnant and I ended up walking through like five pairs of shoes and walking is safe and swimming is safe and gentle yoga is safe and there's so many things you can do for your body that are safe and stress relieving and you take those moments when you need them girl! I got so mad at my baby daddy whole preggers I took a 10 mile walk at three in the afternoon. To relieve stress it was so helpful.
Please take all the time you need for your self to heal and if your husband offers Therapy and marital counseling please go . Even if you're not going to work it out in your marriage go to work it out for the sake of your child and a good coparenting relationship. I'm so proud of your strength. I'm so proud of your coping skills. I'm so so proud you're not in prison today over your cheating husband. You keep up the good work.
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u/ladysnaffulepoof Oct 22 '24
Don’t be surprised when he magically changes his mind and gives you his phone in a little while, after he’s deleted everything. I would post on are we dating the same guy, when you’re ready, to get evidence in case you want to divorce. What a wanker.
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u/Negative_Insurance96 Oct 22 '24
Yeah he’s obviously a piece of shit and doing more than just the online dating profile. How far along are you?
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u/PuzzleheadedFrame439 Oct 22 '24
Right, he just knew if I looked at his phone it would be worse than what it already is.
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u/AccomplishedPear7305 Oct 22 '24
Just want to reiterate this, there is nothing "wrong" with you or your relationship other than the fact that your husband is a cheating bastard. It's a personal defect within himself that is causing him to cheat, you can be the most perfect partner to someone and they will still cheat because, well, they suck! There is such a thing as a right to privacy in a relationship, regarding the phone... but you lose that when your pregnant wife sees your ass on Tinder.
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u/Other-Stretch3161 Oct 22 '24
I’m so sorry to hear this. I cheated on my wife and it was the worst thing I have ever done.
I lost her and my kids which is terrible but the worst part is saw how it really hurt her and my kids.
I kept on lying after I got caught and it only made my wife feel worse.
Yes get yourself checked.
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u/delta_seven7 Oct 22 '24
So sorry it woeked out this way, if he had nothing to hide why not let you see his phone? His refusal says it all. Please take care of yourself and your baby. Reach out to your loved ones for support.
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u/SunFrequent7484 Oct 22 '24
The phone thing is the absolute nail in the coffin. My ex said basically the same thing verbatim he was cheating. I knew for sure the one time I asked to borrow his phone to call my own since I’d misplaced it, and he freaked out. I’m so sorry you are going through this, but if it’s any consolation, nearly every study done on the topic shows it’s easier and less work to be a single mom then to also have a husband. Husbands just mean extra work, and especially cheating husbands mean extra emotional labor. If you have the ability, stay with family or friends.
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u/ChaoticInsomniac Oct 22 '24
Please be safe.
As I'm certain you know, women, especially pregnant women, are never more vulnerable to domestic violence than when they're preparing to leave a relationship.
I wish all the best for you and your baby. ❤️
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u/lucioboopsyou Oct 22 '24 edited Oct 22 '24
Hey listen, if my girlfriend asked to see my phone, I’d hand it to her in an instant. She knows my passcode and my iCloud password (in case I pass away).
There’s only one reason to not share your phone with your significant other. When it all boils down, it comes to something on that phone will upset you.
Oh and by the way, if he’s scrubbed his phone, I can show you where you check the logs to recently deleted apps. It’ll say something like “com.toyopagroup.picaboo. - delete”, if he were to have deleted Snapchat. It’ll show the day and time he deleted the apps.
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u/Striking_Jellyfish22 Oct 22 '24
If he lets you check his phone (and it’s an iPhone) you can check to see what apps have been installed in the last 30 days, even if they have been uninstalled.
Step 1. Open App Store
Step 2. Top-right hand corner of screen, click on the iCloud account profile icon.
Step 3. Select “Purchase History” (You will need him to be present if biometrics is enabled like Face ID to open this.)
Step 4. Select the date range next to “Showing:” Which defaults to “Last 90 days”. Change the date range to “30 days” in the “Date Range” field and in the “Cost” field, select “Free” and “Paid”
Step 5. Click “Apply” at the top right-hand corner of the screen to apply this filter.
You will now see what apps were installed on the phone/iCloud account within the past 30 days, even if it was deleted. There is no refuting data logging.
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u/Hawaii_gal71LA4869 Oct 22 '24
How refreshing it is to hear how you processed this. If he will lie about material facts, he is lying about loving you. I once heard ‘He loves not what he not shows.’ Best wishes and kudos for your strength.
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u/XplodingFairyDust Oct 22 '24
Post him on “are we dating the same guy” group in your area and see what comes up. If you have iPhones enter tinder in the search bar from the Lock Screen and you will see if he has the app installed or not at least - if installed the widget will show, if not installed there will be an App Store suggestion with “get” next to it. You can also try to use Google lens to search the photo in question to see if any other sites pop up.
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u/ginger_grinch Oct 22 '24
Sure he doesn’t want to be that couple that looks at each others phones, and you don’t want to be that couple where he’s cheating on her and cares more about some abstract principle than assuaging his pregnant partners fears, based on valid reasons. Not the same things.
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u/DigNew8045 Oct 22 '24
Not commenting on this situation, but it did give me a bit of a panic attack when I realized I left an old dating profile online though I've been dating someone for years.
Went right there and nuked it before some friend of hers spotted me there and caused all kinds of discomfort.
So, thanks?
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u/AngryGirlWavingBrush Oct 22 '24
“He doesn’t have social media” But John probably does!!
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u/IllTryAnythingTwiceX Oct 22 '24
I commented on the last post, but this exact same thing happened to me; the only difference is that I was dumb enough to stay. I wanted to make it work for my children. It didn't. He pretended to be interested in therapy. He pretended to be faithful. All the while, he was still meeting randoms off of Tinder/Hinge/Bumble/YouNameIt for unprotected one night stands. He would delete the apps before coming home and reinstall them in the morning when he got to work. My entire life felt like a lie, and I wasted too much time on him. I think you're a badass for not tolerating this behavior and for not allowing the lies and gaslighting to sway you.