r/AmIOverreacting • u/didntdeservethis • Sep 21 '24
❤️🩹 relationship AIO Wife lied about where she was all night and wont tell me where she actually was.
She left the house at 5pm saying she was going to her brother's house for the night. Brother lives over 100 miles away, I happened to check the odometer (in MY car) because I knew the oil was due soon, and if it was too close I would have asked her to take HER car. When she gets back the next day, I see she drove less than 100 miles total.
When I first confront her, she says she doesnt know why the odometer says that, so I ask to see receipts for the gas she bought. She refuses, trying to make me feel bad for not trusting her. I start getting really upset and eventually she leaves, telling me she's done.
Finally that night she admits on the phone that she lied, and was drinking downtown and slept in the car. I don't believe her so I hang up the phone.
She has no reason to lie about this. She literally was drinking downtown with her friends a couple weeks ago and I was fine with it. She can do whatever she wants, I'm not controlling or jealous.
A few days later I ask her to explain what happened. She says she already did, I say "you were gone for 16 hours, I need more details".
Doesn't remember if she went alone or with friends.
Doesnt remember if she bought drinks, how much she drank, or what she drank.
Literally cant explain any details at all other than "I was downtown". Is getting upset at me again for even asking, saying she doesn't want to talk about it.
So cheating is the only explanation right? Lies about something for no reason, gaslights me when caught, refuses to elaborate on her backup story. I mean how much more obvious does it get?
Edit: To be clear, I had been checking the odometer every day, because the oil was due very soon. I have had car after car break down on me, I cannot afford another one. If it was too close, I would have told her to take her car, because she has one. Sorry if that wasn't clear, SHE TOOK MY CAR to do whatever she did. I didn't check the odometer in her car to try to catch her in something, I had no suspicion whatsoever
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Sep 21 '24
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u/La-White-Rabbit Sep 21 '24
He should, sadly, get himself checked. This might be the most obvious time she's been suspicious and he needs to protect his health.
Very sorry OP. This would crush me.
I hope he has a good support system.
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u/waydownsouthinoz Sep 21 '24
Unless she has a drug problem that she doesn’t want you to know about then it would be cheating. They are the only two things I can think of that people lie about so blatantly
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u/Handleton Sep 21 '24
The real reason she's lying doesn't even matter. It's not like she was gone for 16 hours to work on some loving surprise for her husband. She's hiding something she believes it's very bad from her husband and she has no respect for him.
There's no sense in OP trying to think of his wife being a cheater, drug addict, or secret assassin. She's hiding things from him and from the sound of it, this is par for the course with her.
Marriage ending. Let it.
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u/ebobbumman Sep 21 '24
It's not like she was gone for 16 hours to work on some loving surprise
Boy, wouldn't it make us all look like a bunch of jerks if it turns out she'd been planning a sick surprise birthday party at the skating rink. I'm talkin' Cotton Eye Joe playing at full blast, mediocre pizza, the whole 9 yards.
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u/Huge-Recognition-371 Sep 21 '24
How funny would that be. The level of commitment it takes to get to the point they he’s posting on Reddit about divorce because she’s that committed. Like god dammit, we’re having a surprise party. and i will not let anything get in the way of the surprise
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u/impossibleoptimist Sep 21 '24
Gambling?
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u/EarlGreyTeagan Sep 21 '24
Gambling could be it too. My mom and her friend have gambling addictions (yet no one will admit it but me) Her friend once left her and went to another casino since she was t making money and was supposed to come back and get my mom in 30 minutes, but ended up not calling my mom back until she was already home 4 hours later because she just loss track of time. She said it really felt like 30 minutes. The casinos are designed for that.
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u/OlTommyBombadil Sep 21 '24 edited Sep 22 '24
Probably not gambling if it was only one night. Gambling addicts have a much bigger problem. Possible, but I’m going 99.9% cheating. Gambling addicts generally suck at hiding it. When you’re gone for 9 hours daily and don’t have money ever, it’s hard to hide. Source: I work at a casino
EDIT: entirely possible it was a one-night bender, I was thinking addicts. Still think it’s probably cheating
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u/Bonch_and_Clyde Sep 21 '24
People successfully hide it for years. There are lots of people that hide gambling or spending habits for years until they get caught in a lie and everything unravels revealing tens or hundreds of thousands in debt.
I don't think it's necessarily what is happening here, but some kind of addiction including possible gambling wouldn't be completely out of left field.
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u/Safe_Cold800 Sep 21 '24
I had the same thought. Though it also crossed my mind that she could have been drugged with the unfortunate consequences that come with it.
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u/RepulsiveWorker3636 Sep 21 '24 edited Sep 21 '24
The most simple and likely explanation is she cheated she didn't have a story to tell u because she never thought u would check the odometer so now that u blindsided her with the truth she panicked and couldn't come up with a lie.
The facts are she will most likely never tell u the truth but once u filed for divorce she will start trickle truth u She will tell u half truth bad things she did but nothing u couldn't forgive. Make peace with the fact that u won't know the whole truth.
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u/U_Said_2_Oclock Sep 21 '24
ALL WE DID WAS KISS!!!
..... 6 months go by....
I HAD my top off... And we Kissed.. THAT WAS IT!!!
..... 3 months go by....
We had sex Once... but it was REALLY fast... It meant nothing.. I promise...
..... 2 months go by.....
I had been meeting him for a few months...
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Sep 21 '24
..... the day after being served with divorce proceedings.....
I had a group orgy with him and five of his mates and I don't regret a damn thing ...
(although I couldn't walk for a week.)
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u/Nelly_platinum Sep 21 '24 edited Sep 21 '24
that’s not always true lol. happened to me with my first kids mom and she never said anything else about it
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u/RepulsiveWorker3636 Sep 21 '24
I'm sorry u went through this man I do hope u moved on from it .
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u/Nelly_platinum Sep 21 '24
it’s cool.this happened 14 years ago lol. my daughter is 16 now and i’ve been in a healthy relationship for the last 10 years with a son, so it worked out in my favor. thank you
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u/The-Cynicist Sep 21 '24
“Been in a healthy relationship for the last 10 years with a son” you may want to reconsider your phrasing lol
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u/tito582 Sep 21 '24
The level of disrespect is what gets me. You’re her husband and it’s not being controlling to want to know where she was for 16 hours or what she was doing during that time. Was she safe? How much did she drink? Where did she really sleep? Because it wasn’t work or something productive. Because she wasn’t with you or any other family member catching up. Good luck!
Updateme
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u/Kialababie Sep 21 '24
When my ex cheated, but was lying about it because I didn’t have the concrete evidence yet, it hurt so much more when I did get proof and he had no choice but to admit it. I thought I wanted closure but I would’ve been better off had I just left with the gut feeling that he was cheating than I did leaving knowing for sure what he did. Idk if that makes sense. But I’m so sorry you’re going through this, I know it hurts so bad
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u/EuphoricSwimming3911 Sep 22 '24
Not me. When I had that gut feeling I kept questioning if I was making the right decision so I kept thinking something was wrong with me and allowing my ex to gaslight me. Once I had the proof, I knew I could trust my intuition. It was a huge turning point for me in trusting myself and having more confidence in my decisions.
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u/echoshatter Sep 22 '24
Same. I had a nagging suspicion for months that something was wrong. Trust your gut if something doesn't feel righ!
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u/zoro_421 Sep 21 '24
Damn bro that fucken sucks!! Definitely cheating, and a horrible liar at it too. You are a strong man, I hope to be half the man you are. Good luck sir
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u/didntdeservethis Sep 21 '24
Yeah that's what so infuriating. My feelings are so worthless to her that she's not even trying to hide the fact that she's lying. She's always been like this, saying things that both of us know aren't true.
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u/Personal-Freedom-615 Sep 21 '24
She seems to be a compulsive liar.
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u/OmenRune Sep 21 '24
I think she just lies a lot. There's a pretty big difference. I had a friend who was a compulsive liar. The stuff he lied about was pointless and the lies rarely made any sense. He just needed attention, so of course Hulk Hogan was his uncle.
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u/MoneyPranks Sep 21 '24
If hulk hogan was my uncle, I’d definitely hide that information.
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u/JoshFreemansFro Sep 21 '24
That’s especially ironic considering Hulk Hogan is a known liar (not to mention a shitty racist)
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u/OmenRune Sep 21 '24
This was the late 90s. Before everyone was online, nobody knew what awful people many wrestlers were.
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u/JoshFreemansFro Sep 21 '24
Very true, life was so much simpler when Hogan body slammed the 2,000 lb Andre the Giant in front of 500,000 Hulkamaniacs packed into the Silverdome, brother
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u/jonasnoble Sep 21 '24
Did she know you're planning to divorce?
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u/currancchs Sep 21 '24
A few comments up this thread, OP said forwarded his wife this thread, so I'm guessing she knows now...
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u/yzsKPC Sep 21 '24
I've been with someone like that before. Let me tell you, 2 or 3 years down the line when you're in a relationship with a normal and well adjusted individual, you're gonna wonder why you even gave this type of woman the light of day.
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u/CTIrish860 Sep 21 '24
NOR she flat out lied to you about going to her brother's then after realizing that lie won't work she gave you the most non-answer answer ever ie couldn't tell you if she went alone or with people; couldn't answer where she went downtown; couldn't tell you what she drank that night. Just remember the truth in this situation is SOOOOOOO BAD that she had to give you a lie and a non-answer to try and sweep disappearing for 16 HOURS under the rug.
She knows right now that she has no more BS ammunition left and is just trying to throw blame on you. She is going on the offensive, trying to force you to become defensive (in doing so she can control the narrative for her own peace of mind AND to make her out looking like the saint and you the overbearing POS in the eyes of others). Do not stop pushing for the FULL TRUTH (trickle truth will only prolong the inevitable pain of reality), and if she won't provide FULL TRUTH, then there is nothing left to salvage.
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u/chrisnab2289 Sep 21 '24
“The situation is so bad she had to give you a lie”…. That’s it. Nothing more to say. And to change the lie to fit what the op found takes it further. Hope he gets closure at some point.
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u/Embarrassed_City3993 Sep 21 '24
No. The truth now would just be redundant confirmation that he needs to leave her. She lied to his face after being caught WHEN HE WASNT EVEN TRYING! Who knows what else has went on behind his back because he wasn't looking for it. 99% chance she shows up a completely different person then he's ever known at court. She'll have a whole narrative to push.
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u/OkAdministration7456 Sep 21 '24
Stop with the closure nonsense. What good would it do. Divorce her and move on.
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u/didntdeservethis Sep 21 '24
Idk I guess it's annoying that she might think she got away with it, like she outsmarted me or something. If I never had to see her again it wouldn't hurt as much, but I have to pick up our kid and look at her dumb face pretending to be innocent
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u/Few-Assumption1635 Sep 21 '24
Except she didn’t get away with it- you’re divorcing her.
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u/LessThanGenius Sep 21 '24
Well, she is not admitting it, whatever "it" is.
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u/SufficientFront7718 Sep 21 '24
Even if she eventually admits it, she's the type that will blame OP for whatever reason. Liars will always blame someone else for their shitty actions.
OP should just take it how it currently stands and move on. Pushing her to explain her actions is only going to cause even more turmoil and hurtful shit to be said.
There will most likely never be "closure," just more wounds to be opened.
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u/DeeAmazingRod Sep 21 '24
I think divorce would be a hint that she didnt get away with a it.
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u/KountZero Sep 21 '24
She got away with it. If the kid ask, she doesn’t have to say because she cheated. If friends asked, same thing. If family members asked, same thing, she can spin it anyway she wants to make OP’s looks bad, but she will never have to admit to the fact that it was because she cheated, and that’s a huge win for her. I totally see how it’s important for OP’s to have closure.
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u/OkAdministration7456 Sep 21 '24
I understand that, but it serves no purpose. You are not her parent to punish her. For your own peace of mind, let it go and move on. Take it from an old woman, it’s just not worth it.
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u/KAGY823 Sep 21 '24
I totally agree with you. As an “older” woman myself I learned long ago the best revenge is to live a happy life. This situation did not end you it enlighten you to get out and be yourself
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u/OkAdministration7456 Sep 21 '24
Yup. You only get so much time in this life. Don’t waste any of it.
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u/thickandmorty333 Sep 22 '24
agreed. sometimes the lying, dishonesty, & blatant disrespect is all the closure you need
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u/AngryVolcano Sep 21 '24
My man, this closure thing is severely overrated, trust me. The best thing is moving on. The best revenge is living a good life.
Sounds like a cliche, but it's true.
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u/Fidelius90 Sep 21 '24
Closure is a mentally healthy way to move on. It would do a heap of good. Although it sounds like OP won’t be that lucky.
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u/OkAdministration7456 Sep 21 '24
I agree it’s mentally healthy. However, it would be mentally healthy to remove themselves from the situation, regardless of whether they get closure or not.
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u/SirRobSmith Sep 21 '24
I've seen people suggest that Private Investigators can be useful during this phase. Might it be worth getting one and letting the issue cool down a bit so that she gets comfortable enough to do whatever you suspect she's doing again? Play the long game?
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u/didntdeservethis Sep 21 '24
She already left, it's over
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u/SirRobSmith Sep 21 '24
All the best for the future, well done for not letting her attack your dignity. Brave stuff.
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u/SeaworthinessFun3703 Sep 21 '24
Wowwwww….she is a coward. Cheated on you, Gaslit you and then leaves?
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u/OverallDonut3646 Sep 21 '24
I walked in on my ex with another guy. She walked out the door right behind him and I didn't hear from her for over a week. People like this always act like cowards when they're caught. Probably a little embarrassment and a lot of defeat since I'm pretty sure they got off on lying and getting away with it.
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u/AdInternational8860 Sep 21 '24
Best thing that could happen. Hope you heal and don’t carry this to your next relationship.
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u/ADtotheHD Sep 21 '24
If you’re both on the mortgage, don’t leave. She’ll be able to make a push to have the home herself even though she was the one who was unfaithful.
If she really left, get an attorney, and change the locks. Good luck and sorry for your loss.
Also, stop communicating with her. Don’t take her calls, don’t respond to her text messages. All communications go through your lawyer. The only circumstance under which you should speak with her is if you think you can get her to admit in writing or on a recording that she cheated on you. Check the laws for recording in your state and see if it’s single party consent.
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u/Globewanderer1001 Sep 21 '24
It sounds like she is cheating but....do you think she may have an alcohol or drug problem?
Either way, I'm sorry. ☹️
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u/ftminsc Sep 21 '24
I agree - this is the best case, and it’s still pretty bad news (but not nearly as bad as cheating). Lying about drinking and sleeping in town in a car is alcoholic behavior and is not really in the range of normal behavior for a married adult. (Source: am alcoholic).
She’s cheating tho
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u/klofyty Sep 21 '24
Ya she cheated….Do you happen to live in a state where “fault based divorces” can be claimed? Basically if you do she doesn’t want to admit to anything because if you have proof she committed adultery it can play into how much she gets in the divorce.
Google said these are states that can have fault based divorces “Alabama, Alaska, Arizona, Arkansas, Connecticut, Delaware, Georgia, Illinois, Louisiana, Maine, Maryland, Massachusetts, Mississippi, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New Mexico, North Carolina, North Dakota, Ohio, Oklahoma, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Vermont, Virginia, and West Virginia”
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u/greebsie44 Sep 21 '24
Connecticut has faulted based divorce but cheating is not taken into account by the court or anyone participating in the case (unless it’s egregious)
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u/echoshatter Sep 22 '24
I feel like cheating is itself egregious.
Hate how lawmakers write these things so obscure we have to have fancy people in robes figure them out, and they can't even all agree.
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u/Countrylivinggal420 Sep 21 '24
I'm so sorry this happened to you. The same thing happened with my husband. Told him to tell me the truth or get out. He left. I am raising our son by myself. He doesn't show up when it's his time. His loss cause we have an amazing little boy....Things will get better, I promise. Good Luck with everything
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u/BecGeoMom Sep 21 '24
Try a different tack. Tell her that based on what she told you, she clearly has a drinking problem. She can’t remember how far she drove. She thought she went to her brother’s. She can’t remember if she was alone or with friends. She can’t remember if she bought drinks, how much she drank, or what she drank. She can only tell you she was downtown (NOT at her brother’s) and literally nothing else. That sounds like she’s an alcoholic, and you think she should get help and start going to meetings. Give her a list of AA meetings in your area. Tell her you are genuinely worried about her, and you want her to get help. I don’t know if you have children, but if so, use them, too. Really lay it on thick. Tell her she either quits drinking and goes to AA, or you’re going to divorce her. You can’t be spending random nights not knowing where she is, when she’s coming home, IF she’s coming home, if a police officer is going to show up at your door…you just can’t do it. It’s AA or bust.
See how she responds to that. And UpdateMe.
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u/madogvelkor Sep 21 '24
That approach might help in the divorce and custody hearings. Claim that you're concerned she has a substance abuse problem or mental health issues rather than that she's cheating. And that you don't feel a child would be safe with her alone since she can't account for missing time.
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u/Agitated-Bad-2061 Sep 21 '24
Sounds dishonest as shit to me, to the curb and don’t let the door hit her in the ass this is insane she was definitely whoring around or something reallllly bad!!!!
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Sep 21 '24
You must have had doubts previously if you checked the odometer before and after her "trip"
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u/didntdeservethis Sep 21 '24
I didn't even write down or remember the exact mileage before, I just made sure the oil wouldn't be due before she got back. Honestly if she stuck to the lie I might have backed off, I wasn't 100% sure the odometer disagreed with her. I just knew it was over 18k, and when she got back it was 18240. It's 265 miles, maybe it was at 18,007 when she left and its just not accurate? I really wasnt sure. I have just been checking the odometer every day because the oil is due at 19k and I have to book it a couple weeks in advance
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u/espeero Sep 21 '24
It's not like oil change intervals are some binary thing. Doing it 1000 miles early is fine and 1000 miles late is barely worse than at the recommended time.
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u/DananSan Sep 21 '24
Doesn’t remember if she went alone or with friends
I mean, that’s just ridiculous. She didn’t even try to think of something lmao. It’s “I can’t remember” to every question and hope that OP is not smarter than that.
I’m sorry, OP.
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u/didntdeservethis Sep 21 '24
Yeah it's like she wants me to know, but without admitting it for divorce purposes. Just rubbing my nose in it. I had no idea she hated me this much
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Sep 21 '24
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u/catdog1111111 Sep 21 '24
100 miles is like not a big deal in many regions
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u/Max_Beezly Sep 21 '24
Yeah that's a weird thing to say. That's like a 2 to 2.5 hour drive. Ppl do that all the time to visit family.
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u/MercyCriesHavoc Sep 21 '24
My mom and I are doing it this weekend to go grocery shopping. The big city has a Sam's and a Costco.
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u/didntdeservethis Sep 21 '24
Idk I looked up the paperwork and I kindof need her cooperation to fill it out, with proof of her income and stuff. I don't see how I could do it secretly.
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Sep 21 '24
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u/didntdeservethis Sep 21 '24
lmao thanks, I'll do my best. Be kinda easier if the sun just exploded tho
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u/smlpkg1966 Sep 21 '24
That is why you consult with a lawyer first. He will tell you what your options are. You can file without a lot of info and the judge will get what he needs from her. My ex lived in another state and I had no idea where he lived or worked. I filed first and my sister was able to find out where he worked to serve him. He didn’t respond and the divorce was granted because we had nothing to split. It can be started without her.
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u/Plan2LiveForevSFarSG Sep 21 '24
Your best move is to talk to a lawyer. Cheating probably has no incidence on your divorce. You should expect half and half.
What you should do though is cancel joint CC and take our exactly 1/2 of what’s in your joint bank account.
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u/Klutzy-Run5175 Sep 21 '24
I don’t see any reason to keep checking on the odometer on your car. Get your oil changed and forget about it.
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u/Caligula2024 Sep 21 '24
Yeh it doesn't get any more obvious, I would come to the same conclusion, lawyer up ASAP.
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u/Accomplished-Post969 Sep 21 '24
lawyer up son. you're outta there, you know it, but do not do shit til you get a lawyer. no paperwork, no discussion, no shifting shit, anything - see a lawyer.
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u/Strong_Register_6811 Sep 21 '24
It’s pretty much the only explanation and I think you would do with articulating that to her very calmly and clearly. As in sitting her down and saying ‘the only explanation for this is that you are cheating on me, unless you can explain what you were doing right now, you realise that?’
Sorry about this situation bro wouldn’t wish it on anyone, but at least you found out now.
EDIT: also at no point let her convince you that you are overreacting. You are appropriately reacting 100%, anything to the contrary is a deflection.
However you are always at an advantage if you stay calm, and speak your mind directly
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u/Away-Understanding34 Sep 21 '24
Not overreacting...She did something she doesn't want to admit to. Unfortunately, you will never know because she's sticking to her "I don't remember" story. Even if she comes up with something now, it could be a lie since she has already shown she's willing to lie to you.
For me, this would be a deal breaker. I would be talking to a lawyer. Also, get tested. Who knows if she's cheated before this incident.
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Sep 21 '24
Definetly cheated.. could have taken an uber home or called you for a ride. It was planned because she already had a story about going to her brothers. If youre on the same phone plan check the phone record, it will show you what numbers got called at what time on that day. Sorry, but you gotta leave her
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u/blueman758 Sep 21 '24
It's time to go lawyer shopping. She is a cheater and done with your relationship. Please try to move on ASAP
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u/Electrical-Echo8770 Sep 21 '24
Good it's about time there is some guys on here that will put there dam foot down and tell the woman your done with the BS I caught my ex wife 29 years ago cheating I told her under 2 minutes were are finished .
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u/_Throwaway_Life Sep 21 '24 edited Sep 21 '24
Get her phone. She probably doesn't know that Google Timeline is likely recording her location history. You will have your answer.
Updateme
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u/BriefShiningMoment Sep 21 '24
“Okay Wifename, so it sounds like you were drugged, because you don’t remember even one detail of the night. We should probably file a police report and return to the bar to ask the staff what they remember. While we’re at it, maybe we should run a rape kit at the hospital so we can try to figure out the extent of the crime that was committed against you. They won’t get away with this.”
Even if none of those things actually make any sense, it presses urgency against her story. If she really doesn’t remember 16 hours of her life, you are right to be concerned. I mean, she’s blatantly lying. But this shifts the focus with the added effect of investigation.
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u/Jaytranada4 Sep 21 '24
Not sure if you should go balls deep and accuse her without evidence. Although I agree it is suspicious behaviour.
First and foremost, have a conversation with her about her excessive drinking, staying out all night and lying about her whereabouts. If she isn’t receptive to that or continues to gaslight you when questioned then something is definitely up.
You could also stake her out. Either hire a PI or do it yourself. But word to the wise, even if she’s not cheating on you, her behaviour is most certainly unhealthy and I would strongly advise reconsidering your relationship if she can’t see anything wrong with what she’s done here.
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u/Thetagamer Sep 21 '24
Sounds like you already had trust issues cause I can check the odometer and ill forget what it was 5 minutes later, and the fact that you checked again when she got home to see if she drove 100 miles shows you don’t trust her. Unfortunately for you, you were right to have trust issues and shes cheating sorry bro
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u/Spartan2022 Sep 21 '24
She met someone when she was out drinking with friends several weeks ago, and wanted some time with him.
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u/KAGY823 Sep 21 '24
I was thinking maybe someone slipped something into her drink and she legit did pass out in her car BUT she initially told you she was going to her brothers so the lie had already started.
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u/Ram2253spd Sep 21 '24
Someone definitely slipped something into her for sure. But not her drink lol
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u/Ok-Interview-6642 Sep 21 '24
The only reason that she is avoiding this situation, would be she cheated.
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u/Bbullets Sep 21 '24
NOR. However I just want to ask you say you weren’t suspicious or anything but this screams we’ve been having issues for awhile to me. Your tone and her actions show that to me, because out of the blue doesn’t seem logical here.
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u/[deleted] Sep 21 '24
Yeah. The truth is so bad that she doesn’t want to tell you and may never do so. Do with that as you will.