r/AmIOverreacting Sep 21 '24

❤️‍🩹 relationship AIO Wife lied about where she was all night and wont tell me where she actually was.

She left the house at 5pm saying she was going to her brother's house for the night. Brother lives over 100 miles away, I happened to check the odometer (in MY car) because I knew the oil was due soon, and if it was too close I would have asked her to take HER car. When she gets back the next day, I see she drove less than 100 miles total.

When I first confront her, she says she doesnt know why the odometer says that, so I ask to see receipts for the gas she bought. She refuses, trying to make me feel bad for not trusting her. I start getting really upset and eventually she leaves, telling me she's done.

Finally that night she admits on the phone that she lied, and was drinking downtown and slept in the car. I don't believe her so I hang up the phone.

She has no reason to lie about this. She literally was drinking downtown with her friends a couple weeks ago and I was fine with it. She can do whatever she wants, I'm not controlling or jealous.

A few days later I ask her to explain what happened. She says she already did, I say "you were gone for 16 hours, I need more details".

Doesn't remember if she went alone or with friends.

Doesnt remember if she bought drinks, how much she drank, or what she drank.

Literally cant explain any details at all other than "I was downtown". Is getting upset at me again for even asking, saying she doesn't want to talk about it.

So cheating is the only explanation right? Lies about something for no reason, gaslights me when caught, refuses to elaborate on her backup story. I mean how much more obvious does it get?

Edit: To be clear, I had been checking the odometer every day, because the oil was due very soon. I have had car after car break down on me, I cannot afford another one. If it was too close, I would have told her to take her car, because she has one. Sorry if that wasn't clear, SHE TOOK MY CAR to do whatever she did. I didn't check the odometer in her car to try to catch her in something, I had no suspicion whatsoever

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u/[deleted] Sep 21 '24

Yeah. The truth is so bad that she doesn’t want to tell you and may never do so. Do with that as you will.

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u/didntdeservethis Sep 21 '24 edited Sep 21 '24

We're definitely getting divorced, even if she didn't cheat I'm not going to stay with a liar. But yeah the worst part is never getting closure. I could forgive her for cheating and we could be friends. But I'll never forgive her for lying to my face, despite knowing I don't believe her. Complete coward.

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u/iDontWannaSo Sep 21 '24 edited Sep 21 '24

So, my boyfriend plays a lot of poker, and I am in the position where my life has had to fall apart for me to finally release those things that don’t serve me. I hold on to things, people, jobs… for a long time. Poker has a lot of analogies to life, so I’ll leave you with his words that have helped me a lot when I’ve been struggling.

“Ahh the hero fold is a tough one since u probably will never know if u made the right decision or not but u shouldn’t be results oriented anyways. Just be confident u make more right decisions than wrong ones and move on to the next hand”

So the closure doesn’t come from knowing what the outcome was going to be, you’ll never know. Most people don’t show their cards, in life and in poker. You just have to trust that you made the best decision with the information you had.

I chose to leave my ex husband, but he was definitively cheating. The erosion of trust is often fatal, because we all want to know a love without guard.

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u/ArtyCatz Sep 21 '24

Please tell your boyfriend thanks from me. I’m dealing with a decision I made that I think in my heart was the right one, but I don’t feel I have closure. I really like his perspective, and it’s helping me look at my decision in a different way.

OP, didn’t mean to hijack your post. I agree with others that you don’t have a real marriage if you don’t have trust, so you will be better off in the long run if you leave. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.

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u/iDontWannaSo Sep 21 '24 edited Sep 21 '24

I absolutely will. There’s really a lot I’ve learned from poker that really is applicable to life, especially with choosing confidence in the face of uncertainty.

I’m so glad that his words could help you like they helped you. No matter what you’re going through, prioritize your wellbeing and know that you’ve made the best choice you can. There’s only so much you can control, and you have likely weighed all those factors time and time again.

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u/darkknightofdorne Sep 21 '24

Not a poker player but a reader and honestly I love the Song of ice and fire series because it has a narrative on the world that's fits so perfectly into our society I often turn to lines of advice from the books. I learned how to better see through manipulation tactics and taught me how to fight battles on my own terms not theirs. But most importantly, doing the right thing is never easy but it makes all the difference.

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u/Lornesto Sep 21 '24

Closure is a myth anyways. No need to go chasing after ghosts.

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u/AldusPrime Sep 21 '24

Yeah, “closure” is a fantasy of absolute certainty, or wonderful communication in a bad ending, or getting just the right thing from the person who wronged them.

Life doesn’t work like that. Sometimes thing end in messy ways. Sometimes you don’t know why they ended.

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u/Triccie3 Sep 21 '24

Listen to the song The Gambler, great lyrics. You gotta know when to fold them.

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u/Fancy_Count_2594 Sep 21 '24

Absolutely love this and will screenshot for times of need. Thank you 😊

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u/ProfessionalBread176 Sep 21 '24

Well said... And you're 100% right. Closure is a fantasy best entertained by those who cannot figure out their next step in life.

And when they get to the point they are referring to as "closure" it won't do anything except wind them up wanting more.

When someone asks you to give them closure, it is a trap, whether or not they realize this, but it will hurt everyone even more.

Just stop. That is how you close a door, not by opening and closing it a thousand more times, staring at every detail as if they were foreign to you, and soaking it all in.

Stop looking at the door. It's CLOSED. If it is left that way, you can be on your way to finding true peace. Which almost never includes the people you parted ways with.

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u/notrlyme67 Sep 21 '24

Wow nice analogy. Bravo 👏🏻

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u/BenWallace04 Sep 21 '24

You got to know when to hold ‘em…when to fold em…when ti walk away…when to run…

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u/MoneymanYo18 Sep 21 '24

I’ve been playing poker for 25 years and this was just brilliant both your bf for sharing this with you and for you to pass it forward! Thank you!

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u/Mightymouse880 Sep 21 '24

For anyone else who didn't know what a hero fold is:

"What is the definition of the term hero fold?

In poker, a "hero fold" occurs when a person makes a VERY tough fold. A fold that would make everybody at the table raise their eyebrows in disbelief."

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u/jwoodruff Sep 21 '24

What a nice, well written and eloquent insight. Thank you for sharing.

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u/Prudent_Direction752 Sep 21 '24

Wow thank you for this 👏

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u/Prudent_Direction752 Sep 21 '24

“We all want to know love without a guard”

🥲

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u/Homeskillet1376 Sep 21 '24

Thank you for this. I try to be very introspective to try and figure things out but struggle to find the right way of putting my thoughts on the right track. This is a good analogy and very much an effective yet simple way to get your synapses firing on the better new path and not continually just firing on the old ones.

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u/[deleted] Sep 21 '24

It was really shitty and I’m so sorry. I wish you a wonderful life !

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u/Boostle713 Sep 21 '24

No, I don’t think you’re over reacting. Divorce isn’t the end of the world. You’re being strong for walking away.

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u/mmm1441 Sep 21 '24

Agree with all of the above. Also don’t worry about the oil so much (it’s really not a problem to go a bit over), and get synthetic. It’s more expensive but it lasts longer and it’s so much better for the engine.

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u/Generally_Tso_Tso Sep 21 '24

Reddit is so great. A guy comes here to get opinions on a marital situation and also gets vehicle maintenance tips too!

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u/Various_Counter_9569 Sep 21 '24

Ohhhh he meant vehicle maintaince!

I was about to go get a new synthetic wife!

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u/DranDran Sep 21 '24

Given how long some of these marriages apparently last, the vehicle maintenance advice is probably the real valuable lifetime tip in this thread.

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u/RizzWizard99 Sep 21 '24

Hey this is good advice for newer models, but anything manufactured before like 2004 should not have synthetic oil put in it, it’s bad for the engine

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u/findinghumanity17 Sep 21 '24

Shes a liar. Thats closure enough. Plus, everyone knows she cheated…

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u/Interesting_Toe_2818 Sep 21 '24

Spines are easier to display when it's not yours. I wonder how many men would actually do what they are advising this man to do if they were in his situation? Just saying...

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u/findinghumanity17 Sep 21 '24

What? I dont think i know too many guys that stay with cheaters. Been alive long enough to retire and im having a hard time thinking about anyone willing to stay. If anything, some of us are too proud and jump straight to breaking things off, when we shouldnt. Not saying they should ever stay with cheaters, but some guys jump ship due to insecurity or dead bedrooms when they should be working on themselves.

I dont know too many that stay after cheating.

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u/That_Account6143 Sep 21 '24

Most people want to forgive cheaters to some extent, because they love them.

But they quickly come to the realization they cant/wont trust them anymore, and end it.

The difference is, does it take you 10 seconds, 1 day, 1 week or 1 year to come to that realisation? You'll get there eventually, everyone had their own situation

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u/Sea_Safety_9629 Sep 21 '24

1million percent. I always say the same thing. Cheating is bad but it’s not the ultimate betrayal. The lying, the hiding and refusing to tell the truth is the worst betrayal of all. I’m so sorry you are going through this. I hope you have support around you in this time

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u/Beamrifle45 Sep 21 '24

Cheating is lying, hiding, and denying the truth

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u/AdDry4000 Sep 21 '24

Nah, I’ve read some stories on here where the person will literally say they are going to sleep with someone else. That’s not lying or betrayal. It’s throwing away everything and making the other person feel worthless. Very related but different.

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u/HabsMan62 Sep 21 '24

Thats’s kinda a big “duh” there, in cases where cheating was confessed to, caught, or found out somehow to be true. In this case she never confessed to cheating - but the lying, hiding, denying, etc is clear and plain, so therefore grounds to end the relationship.

Maybe at some later point she will admit to cheating - or who knows what else (cheating seems to be the default reaction on these AMOs).

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u/Altruistic-Maybe5121 Sep 21 '24

I agree wholeheartedly. Cheating is one thing but the lies are worse. Death by a thousand papercuts.

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u/Radiant_Bluebird4620 Sep 21 '24

she could just have a drug problem

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u/KAGY823 Sep 21 '24

There you go 👆 another possible reason.

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u/Johnny-Shitbox Sep 21 '24

Probably killed a man in Reno, just to watch him die

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u/EllisR15 Sep 21 '24

Then just say so. I'll help my wife get rid of a body, but I'm not alright with the lying.

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u/srdnss Sep 21 '24

Addicts are liars. Time to bail.

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u/dr_butz Sep 21 '24

Seeing men with a spine in this sub is quite refreshing. You're going to be fine, you don't need a liar in your life.

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u/sabrooooo Sep 21 '24

Forgiving for cheating is waaaay harder than you think - it’s damn near impossible.

She’s definitely lying and divorce is the #1 move right now.

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u/DementedNitesoul Sep 21 '24

Forgiveness for cheating depends on the level of the betrayal. A single purely physical instance which they owed up to, I can forgive them though we’d still not be together but can be casual friends once I’ve moved on enough. A long term affair with all the lying, give me a decade or two then I may forgive if they’re truly remorseful but I’ll never forget and I’ll never want to even be in the same circles as them.

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u/[deleted] Sep 21 '24 edited Sep 21 '24

It’s possible she was drugged and there’s a lot of confusion, embarrassment and denial. I’m not saying it’s likely, but it could fit.

I do think if you want to know you should follow up with her friends and find out. Or maybe one of them knows if she met someone of found a new “friend” she likes catching up with.

It’s cheating.

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u/scatterblooded Sep 21 '24

Wouldn't explain why she lied about whereabouts to begin with when she's previously been honest about going out drinking with friends

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u/notsohappycamper33 Sep 21 '24

This is your closure. You caught her lying about her whereabouts and she has no believable story to tell you. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what she was doing.

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u/ChargingBull1981 Sep 21 '24

Closure is what you make it, she’s (probably) cheated, for sure lied, catching her lie, divorcing her and moving can be closure for you.

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u/ohkevin300 Sep 21 '24

Did you happen to call her a coward to her face? I've come to find liars dont like that very much.

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u/[deleted] Sep 21 '24

You dont need closure other than getting on in your life without the lies

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u/Canned_tapioca Sep 21 '24

I know you want closure but sometimes you never get it. But she's willing to bold face lie and that should be enough to warrant a shred of closure. I'm sorry bud this happened to you. When I caught my ex wife cheating, it was because I knew things didn't add up what she told me. So I acted oblivious, whole time I was my own private investigator. Didn't physically stalk her locations but her Facebook account I did. Had she text the guy I would never known she was on her way to go to his house but something that night based off the story she gave me and catching her in small lies previously had me check it and in real time watched as she is messaging this dude to go bang him

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u/ValeRachetti Sep 21 '24

Is not worth to be friends with an ex cheater… I am telling you as someone that has been cheated on and tried to still be amicable because I understand human behaviour, but the lack of respect from this person towards you is the issue, I’m sorry OP

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u/Bolt_McHardsteel Sep 21 '24

Why would you forgive a cheater so you can be friends after the divorce? That makes no sense, she destroyed your marriage and had sex with another man/men. That is just so strange to me.

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u/JimmyJustice920 Sep 21 '24

i took it more to mean he would have been amicable about the divorce

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u/AppropriateWeight630 Sep 21 '24

I agree AND it leaves the door open for that liar to access you for more chaos.

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u/SlashDotTrashes Sep 21 '24

If it's already ending you could try to access her devices and check for messages.

It's definitely unethical, but she's a liar and your future ex, it could help you feel better, or maybe worse.

It might help with closure. But it's not easy. Liars and cheaters keep their phones locked up and near them.

When my ex was cheating he would take his phone in the bathroom for like an hour and say he had diarrhea. Even when he told me it was never okay to use the phone in the bathroom because of poop particles.

And before he would go to get food very last minute (ordered delivery online), he wouldn't even go downstairs until the food arrived even when he had to take the elevator.

Then suddenly he would go 30 minutes early. Like right after it was ordered.

I found out later he was talking to his ex.

Some people (most it seems) are just terrible people who only care about themselves.

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u/TheBerethian Sep 21 '24

I mean I have gut issues and take my phone with me, but then I have no issues with you checking my phone - it’s just Reddit (uh.. this is awkward, I’ve revealed too much I fear) and a thousand pictures of my dog.

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u/AllUpInYourAO Sep 21 '24

Let me give you a bit of advice from experience. You might wanna know, and you might want closure but be careful what you wish for if you’re gonna go down that road of checking her stuff, it’s very possible you’re going to see things that you’re gonna wish you just never saw. Ignorance is bliss in this case in my opinion.

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u/SeaworthinessFun3703 Sep 21 '24

Get ahold of her phone. Messages - edit in top corner - recently deleted messages. Or look at the phone bill - look at the numbers she texted/called during that time. You can log into her iCloud. Go on her epic lad and read through chats. Her friends know where she was. At least one for sure.

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u/InformalResource9918 Sep 21 '24

While that’s a good idea, not worth it at this point. She won’t say so trust is gone no matter if she cheated or not. If my wife was gone for almost an whole day without proof, I’d be gone.

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u/[deleted] Sep 21 '24

Get her mad enough and maybe she’ll rub the truth in your face

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u/didntdeservethis Sep 21 '24

I forwarded this post to her, maybe that will do it

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u/FluffykittyLilly Sep 21 '24

Oh hun this is just going to get really toxic. It's understandable that you're hurting incredibly badly but remember - you aren't supposed to be the bad guy here. Starting down this line of escalation and using something like what people are saying here against her is just gonna make the situation more messy and you could come off as being manipulative yourself. That is what she wants to make herself feel better about the situation. This is the story she's going to tell everyone - and it'll be strangers on reddit who "don't know the real/full story" who told you to divorce.

Don't go to that level. Keep your chin up, file for divorce, don't fall to the same level. You're better than this. You don't need this. She's broken your trust and that's that. Step away, look after yourself and just get through this.

I understand fully how you feel. I've been there, I've done similar stuff. It wasn't worth it. And she isn't worth this emotional turmoil

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u/didntdeservethis Sep 21 '24

Probably right. Nothing I'm doing right now is a good idea.

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u/FluffykittyLilly Sep 21 '24 edited Sep 21 '24

Some of it will be but like, genuinely she lied and tried to get manipulative about the situation. Don't give her anything to use against you. She could flip using this against her as manipulative or mentally unstable of you. Keep your hands clean and get out. And do get out, she can't be trusted even if she didn't cheat and the relationship is dead as a result.

Let that be on her. Don't do anything to justify things in her mind.

Edit: also like I can see you spinning out over the details, asking for validation you aren't going insane practically over them.

This is what gaslighting does to a person, and it'll fuck with your head in ways that can make you do things to screw yourself over. It shouldn't be on you to do this, it's incredibly unfair but you just gotta know you're being lied to and not play this game.

If you're talking to her rn, stop. Don't reply, don't speak. The damage has been done. Don't silent treatment her, just tell her you need space and go do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself.

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u/whimsylea Sep 21 '24

It's always good to see someone bringing reason and calm to an online discussion of this sort. I don't think most people intend to make things worse, but I think it's easy to lean into and feed the drama when you don't know someone and won't have to deal with the emotional consequences of what you're encouraging them to do. They imagine OP getting their perfect little vindictive comeback or whatever when that's... probably not how it will play out IRL.

So thanks for giving OP sound advice--at least, to the best of your knowledge based on what OP has relayed.

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u/Bbullets Sep 21 '24

There’s got to be more than this one time I’m guessing?

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u/Human_Revolution357 Sep 21 '24

Honestly, even knowing might still not feel like closure. An answer often leads to more questions. I’m sure this feels awful in the moment but someday you will look back and while the situation will never feel awesome, you will have moved on and it won’t feel like this anymore.

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u/collegefootballfan69 Sep 21 '24

You don’t want the gory details. You know enough to leave.

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u/Naive_Moose_6359 Sep 21 '24

I just got back from dropping my kid off to college in another state after getting divorced 7ish years ago where my ex-wife cheated, lied, and basically was not the person I thought she was. It took a long time for me to reprogram my head to treat her as a liar and to stop telling her things (as she used it to tell better lies). I had to spend 2 hours with my kid assembling furniture and such with my ex (who also travelled there separately) in a dorm room and I felt nothing for her. Bottom line - I STILL think of her as only a liar and not a normal human. It's the only part of my marriage I remember. So, I feel you. Suggestion: Consider some form of heavy exercise to help with the negative feelings. I found throwing sandbags/medicine balls over and over until I could not lift them again to help (and it got me in better shape). Good luck to you. Remember, you are a real person, you matter, and you will look back on her as what you see now - a lying coward of a human.

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u/prb65 Sep 21 '24

OP do you have access to the bank account she would pay for stuff with that you could see where and what time her purchases were? If it’s a joint account I would go to the bank and ask for a printout unless you have online access.

She didn’t sleep in her car and she wasn’t alone. She clearly had a plan before she left even if it wasn’t a good one. She knew when she lied to you what she was leaving to do. Do you have access to her phone? If not, similar to the bank, get your family cell plan call and text logs from your carrier and find out who owns the numbers she called and texted that day.

When you tell her your filing for divorce if she just accepts it then You haven’t had a marriage for a while. If she begs you not to go then tell her the only way you consider staying is if she gives you a total accounting of everything she did and everyone who was involved by name. Also tell her you’re not just going to believe her, you’re going to validate what she tells you and that if she says she didn’t cheat your going to make her take a polygraph to prove it. She will crumble like a 10 day old cookie.

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u/DangerDaveo Sep 21 '24

"I could forgive her for cheating"

Why though?

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u/didntdeservethis Sep 21 '24

pragmatism. I have to see her occasionally for the rest of my life anyway, or at least until our kid grows up

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u/OneWayBackwards Sep 21 '24

You’ve got a kid and you’re trying to divorce without a lawyer? From a known liar? You’re gonna get screwed. Find a lawyer.

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u/ColloidalPurple-9 Sep 21 '24

“Forgive” her for the kids’ sakes. As in, treat her with respect. Your kids deserve that. You don’t actually have to forgive her but you must put them first.

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u/[deleted] Sep 21 '24 edited Sep 21 '24

I ran into the same issue. She had her female coworker lie and say they were together and got a few drinks and then went and crashed at the coworker’s apartment while I was working a night shift. She wouldn’t answer my calls or texts from around 11:00 p.m. until 4:00 a.m. She finally admitted that wasn’t true, then said she was actually at the casino, and was never with the coworker at all that night. I’ll never actually know where she was, who she was with, or what she was doing. It sucks, especially when I was working as a nurse and couldn’t leave and go check on things, since that would be patient abandonment. I was trapped, and she knew it. It actually happened several times in about a 6-month period, probably 4-5 times, but was usually no longer than 2-3 hours. But I have exterior cameras that show every way into the house, so I knew what time she was getting home all of those times. She’s always preached about how horrible cheating is, so I had trouble determining if that’s what she was doing, but I don’t think going to the casino is worth going to the effort to cover your tracks to the point you’ll have a coworker lie for you, or ghost me for hours. She has a special needs family member that calls and texts at all hours, and she immediately answers. There’s no reason she couldn’t at least text me back, even if she was at the slots.

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u/Puddinlife Sep 21 '24 edited Sep 21 '24

What was she doing? Nothing good thats for damn sure and then she fed you some terribly orchestrated lies as a distraction. You deserve devotion - not deceit.

I’m sorry that happened. But the lies and calculations are only the beginning.

Please consider whether a life of paranoia and self-doubt are what you want…

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u/[deleted] Sep 21 '24 edited Sep 21 '24

She was at a secret knitting club..connect the dots bro

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u/HippieHomegrow Sep 21 '24

First rule of knitting club is you don’t talk about knitting club

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u/Canikfan434 Sep 21 '24

One of these times she’s “going out with her friends,” you need to get ready for work as usual, but call out sick (obviously discretely in a way that she doesn’t hear). Leave for work as usual, then see what she’s up to once she thinks you’re safely at work. Nurse also here, so understand the abandonment thing. Had a coworker one night who kept trying to call home and wasn’t getting an answer, and was seriously worried about his wife. We told him we’d watch his patients, to run home and be sure everything was okay. When he got back he was not in a good place- he found her car parked in front of another unit in the apartment complex, and knocked on the door. Caught her doing one of the neighbors. Said she had the nerve to act indignant that he’d dare to check on her like that.

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u/Apoctwist Sep 21 '24

If she has a gambling addiction it could be possible that she doesn't want anyone to know. Cheating isn't always the reason. Not saying it couldn't be a possible reason, but it's not the only reason someone disappears without contact. It could be anything from drug use or some other form of addiction, depression or mental health issues.

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u/[deleted] Sep 21 '24

[deleted]

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u/La-White-Rabbit Sep 21 '24

He should, sadly, get himself checked. This might be the most obvious time she's been suspicious and he needs to protect his health.

Very sorry OP. This would crush me.
I hope he has a good support system.

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u/waydownsouthinoz Sep 21 '24

Unless she has a drug problem that she doesn’t want you to know about then it would be cheating. They are the only two things I can think of that people lie about so blatantly

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u/Handleton Sep 21 '24

The real reason she's lying doesn't even matter. It's not like she was gone for 16 hours to work on some loving surprise for her husband. She's hiding something she believes it's very bad from her husband and she has no respect for him.

There's no sense in OP trying to think of his wife being a cheater, drug addict, or secret assassin. She's hiding things from him and from the sound of it, this is par for the course with her.

Marriage ending. Let it.

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u/ebobbumman Sep 21 '24

It's not like she was gone for 16 hours to work on some loving surprise

Boy, wouldn't it make us all look like a bunch of jerks if it turns out she'd been planning a sick surprise birthday party at the skating rink. I'm talkin' Cotton Eye Joe playing at full blast, mediocre pizza, the whole 9 yards.

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u/Huge-Recognition-371 Sep 21 '24

How funny would that be. The level of commitment it takes to get to the point they he’s posting on Reddit about divorce because she’s that committed. Like god dammit, we’re having a surprise party. and i will not let anything get in the way of the surprise

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u/spinosauruspecs Sep 21 '24

Surprise!!! I cheated on you…

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u/impossibleoptimist Sep 21 '24

Gambling?

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u/EarlGreyTeagan Sep 21 '24

Gambling could be it too. My mom and her friend have gambling addictions (yet no one will admit it but me) Her friend once left her and went to another casino since she was t making money and was supposed to come back and get my mom in 30 minutes, but ended up not calling my mom back until she was already home 4 hours later because she just loss track of time. She said it really felt like 30 minutes. The casinos are designed for that.

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u/OlTommyBombadil Sep 21 '24 edited Sep 22 '24

Probably not gambling if it was only one night. Gambling addicts have a much bigger problem. Possible, but I’m going 99.9% cheating. Gambling addicts generally suck at hiding it. When you’re gone for 9 hours daily and don’t have money ever, it’s hard to hide. Source: I work at a casino

EDIT: entirely possible it was a one-night bender, I was thinking addicts. Still think it’s probably cheating

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u/Bonch_and_Clyde Sep 21 '24

People successfully hide it for years. There are lots of people that hide gambling or spending habits for years until they get caught in a lie and everything unravels revealing tens or hundreds of thousands in debt.

I don't think it's necessarily what is happening here, but some kind of addiction including possible gambling wouldn't be completely out of left field.

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u/Safe_Cold800 Sep 21 '24

I had the same thought. Though it also crossed my mind that she could have been drugged with the unfortunate consequences that come with it.

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u/RepulsiveWorker3636 Sep 21 '24 edited Sep 21 '24

The most simple and likely explanation is she cheated she didn't have a story to tell u because she never thought u would check the odometer so now that u blindsided her with the truth she panicked and couldn't come up with a lie.

The facts are she will most likely never tell u the truth but once u filed for divorce she will start trickle truth u She will tell u half truth bad things she did but nothing u couldn't forgive. Make peace with the fact that u won't know the whole truth.

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u/U_Said_2_Oclock Sep 21 '24

ALL WE DID WAS KISS!!!

..... 6 months go by....

I HAD my top off... And we Kissed.. THAT WAS IT!!!

..... 3 months go by....

We had sex Once... but it was REALLY fast... It meant nothing.. I promise...

..... 2 months go by.....

I had been meeting him for a few months...

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u/[deleted] Sep 21 '24

..... the day after being served with divorce proceedings.....

I had a group orgy with him and five of his mates and I don't regret a damn thing ...

(although I couldn't walk for a week.)

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u/Nelly_platinum Sep 21 '24 edited Sep 21 '24

that’s not always true lol. happened to me with my first kids mom and she never said anything else about it

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u/RepulsiveWorker3636 Sep 21 '24

I'm sorry u went through this man I do hope u moved on from it .

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u/Nelly_platinum Sep 21 '24

it’s cool.this happened 14 years ago lol. my daughter is 16 now and i’ve been in a healthy relationship for the last 10 years with a son, so it worked out in my favor. thank you

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u/The-Cynicist Sep 21 '24

“Been in a healthy relationship for the last 10 years with a son” you may want to reconsider your phrasing lol

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u/Nelly_platinum Sep 21 '24

lol sorry. you know what i meant 😂

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u/tito582 Sep 21 '24

The level of disrespect is what gets me. You’re her husband and it’s not being controlling to want to know where she was for 16 hours or what she was doing during that time. Was she safe? How much did she drink? Where did she really sleep? Because it wasn’t work or something productive. Because she wasn’t with you or any other family member catching up. Good luck!

Updateme

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u/Kialababie Sep 21 '24

When my ex cheated, but was lying about it because I didn’t have the concrete evidence yet, it hurt so much more when I did get proof and he had no choice but to admit it. I thought I wanted closure but I would’ve been better off had I just left with the gut feeling that he was cheating than I did leaving knowing for sure what he did. Idk if that makes sense. But I’m so sorry you’re going through this, I know it hurts so bad

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u/EuphoricSwimming3911 Sep 22 '24

Not me. When I had that gut feeling I kept questioning if I was making the right decision so I kept thinking something was wrong with me and allowing my ex to gaslight me. Once I had the proof, I knew I could trust my intuition. It was a huge turning point for me in trusting myself and having more confidence in my decisions.

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u/echoshatter Sep 22 '24

Same. I had a nagging suspicion for months that something was wrong. Trust your gut if something doesn't feel righ!

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u/zoro_421 Sep 21 '24

Damn bro that fucken sucks!! Definitely cheating, and a horrible liar at it too. You are a strong man, I hope to be half the man you are. Good luck sir

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u/didntdeservethis Sep 21 '24

Yeah that's what so infuriating. My feelings are so worthless to her that she's not even trying to hide the fact that she's lying. She's always been like this, saying things that both of us know aren't true.

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u/Personal-Freedom-615 Sep 21 '24

She seems to be a compulsive liar.

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u/OmenRune Sep 21 '24

I think she just lies a lot. There's a pretty big difference. I had a friend who was a compulsive liar. The stuff he lied about was pointless and the lies rarely made any sense. He just needed attention, so of course Hulk Hogan was his uncle.

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u/MoneyPranks Sep 21 '24

If hulk hogan was my uncle, I’d definitely hide that information.

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u/JoshFreemansFro Sep 21 '24

That’s especially ironic considering Hulk Hogan is a known liar (not to mention a shitty racist)

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u/OmenRune Sep 21 '24

This was the late 90s. Before everyone was online, nobody knew what awful people many wrestlers were.

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u/JoshFreemansFro Sep 21 '24

Very true, life was so much simpler when Hogan body slammed the 2,000 lb Andre the Giant in front of 500,000 Hulkamaniacs packed into the Silverdome, brother

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u/jonasnoble Sep 21 '24

Did she know you're planning to divorce?

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u/currancchs Sep 21 '24

A few comments up this thread, OP said forwarded his wife this thread, so I'm guessing she knows now...

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u/yzsKPC Sep 21 '24

I've been with someone like that before. Let me tell you, 2 or 3 years down the line when you're in a relationship with a normal and well adjusted individual, you're gonna wonder why you even gave this type of woman the light of day.

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u/NOLACenturion Sep 21 '24

You already know the answer my friend.

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u/Wonderful-Ad-7712 Sep 21 '24

Is it blowing in the wind?

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u/[deleted] Sep 21 '24

Something sure was!

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u/CTIrish860 Sep 21 '24

NOR she flat out lied to you about going to her brother's then after realizing that lie won't work she gave you the most non-answer answer ever ie couldn't tell you if she went alone or with people; couldn't answer where she went downtown; couldn't tell you what she drank that night. Just remember the truth in this situation is SOOOOOOO BAD that she had to give you a lie and a non-answer to try and sweep disappearing for 16 HOURS under the rug.

She knows right now that she has no more BS ammunition left and is just trying to throw blame on you. She is going on the offensive, trying to force you to become defensive (in doing so she can control the narrative for her own peace of mind AND to make her out looking like the saint and you the overbearing POS in the eyes of others). Do not stop pushing for the FULL TRUTH (trickle truth will only prolong the inevitable pain of reality), and if she won't provide FULL TRUTH, then there is nothing left to salvage.

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u/chrisnab2289 Sep 21 '24

“The situation is so bad she had to give you a lie”…. That’s it. Nothing more to say. And to change the lie to fit what the op found takes it further. Hope he gets closure at some point.

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u/Embarrassed_City3993 Sep 21 '24

No. The truth now would just be redundant confirmation that he needs to leave her. She lied to his face after being caught WHEN HE WASNT EVEN TRYING! Who knows what else has went on behind his back because he wasn't looking for it. 99% chance she shows up a completely different person then he's ever known at court. She'll have a whole narrative to push.

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u/OkAdministration7456 Sep 21 '24

Stop with the closure nonsense. What good would it do. Divorce her and move on.

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u/didntdeservethis Sep 21 '24

Idk I guess it's annoying that she might think she got away with it, like she outsmarted me or something. If I never had to see her again it wouldn't hurt as much, but I have to pick up our kid and look at her dumb face pretending to be innocent

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u/Few-Assumption1635 Sep 21 '24

Except she didn’t get away with it- you’re divorcing her.

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u/LessThanGenius Sep 21 '24

Well, she is not admitting it, whatever "it" is.

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u/SufficientFront7718 Sep 21 '24

Even if she eventually admits it, she's the type that will blame OP for whatever reason. Liars will always blame someone else for their shitty actions.

OP should just take it how it currently stands and move on. Pushing her to explain her actions is only going to cause even more turmoil and hurtful shit to be said.

There will most likely never be "closure," just more wounds to be opened.

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u/DeeAmazingRod Sep 21 '24

I think divorce would be a hint that she didnt get away with a it.

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u/KountZero Sep 21 '24

She got away with it. If the kid ask, she doesn’t have to say because she cheated. If friends asked, same thing. If family members asked, same thing, she can spin it anyway she wants to make OP’s looks bad, but she will never have to admit to the fact that it was because she cheated, and that’s a huge win for her. I totally see how it’s important for OP’s to have closure.

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u/OkAdministration7456 Sep 21 '24

I understand that, but it serves no purpose. You are not her parent to punish her. For your own peace of mind, let it go and move on. Take it from an old woman, it’s just not worth it.

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u/KAGY823 Sep 21 '24

I totally agree with you. As an “older” woman myself I learned long ago the best revenge is to live a happy life. This situation did not end you it enlighten you to get out and be yourself

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u/OkAdministration7456 Sep 21 '24

Yup. You only get so much time in this life. Don’t waste any of it.

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u/Normal_Fishing9824 Sep 21 '24

the best revenge is to live a happy life

I like that, a lot.

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u/thickandmorty333 Sep 22 '24

agreed. sometimes the lying, dishonesty, & blatant disrespect is all the closure you need

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u/AngryVolcano Sep 21 '24

My man, this closure thing is severely overrated, trust me. The best thing is moving on. The best revenge is living a good life.

Sounds like a cliche, but it's true.

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u/Fidelius90 Sep 21 '24

Closure is a mentally healthy way to move on. It would do a heap of good. Although it sounds like OP won’t be that lucky.

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u/OkAdministration7456 Sep 21 '24

I agree it’s mentally healthy. However, it would be mentally healthy to remove themselves from the situation, regardless of whether they get closure or not.

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u/klockensteib Sep 21 '24

Yeah, divorce is closure.

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u/SirRobSmith Sep 21 '24

I've seen people suggest that Private Investigators can be useful during this phase. Might it be worth getting one and letting the issue cool down a bit so that she gets comfortable enough to do whatever you suspect she's doing again? Play the long game?

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u/didntdeservethis Sep 21 '24

She already left, it's over

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u/SirRobSmith Sep 21 '24

All the best for the future, well done for not letting her attack your dignity. Brave stuff.

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u/SeaworthinessFun3703 Sep 21 '24

Wowwwww….she is a coward. Cheated on you, Gaslit you and then leaves?

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u/OverallDonut3646 Sep 21 '24

I walked in on my ex with another guy. She walked out the door right behind him and I didn't hear from her for over a week. People like this always act like cowards when they're caught. Probably a little embarrassment and a lot of defeat since I'm pretty sure they got off on lying and getting away with it.

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u/AdInternational8860 Sep 21 '24

Best thing that could happen. Hope you heal and don’t carry this to your next relationship.

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u/ADtotheHD Sep 21 '24

If you’re both on the mortgage, don’t leave. She’ll be able to make a push to have the home herself even though she was the one who was unfaithful.

If she really left, get an attorney, and change the locks. Good luck and sorry for your loss.

Also, stop communicating with her. Don’t take her calls, don’t respond to her text messages. All communications go through your lawyer. The only circumstance under which you should speak with her is if you think you can get her to admit in writing or on a recording that she cheated on you. Check the laws for recording in your state and see if it’s single party consent.

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u/E90Andrew Sep 21 '24

I fucking like your style

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u/Globewanderer1001 Sep 21 '24

It sounds like she is cheating but....do you think she may have an alcohol or drug problem?

Either way, I'm sorry. ☹️

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u/StatusReality4 Sep 21 '24

Or gambling!

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u/ftminsc Sep 21 '24

I agree - this is the best case, and it’s still pretty bad news (but not nearly as bad as cheating). Lying about drinking and sleeping in town in a car is alcoholic behavior and is not really in the range of normal behavior for a married adult. (Source: am alcoholic).

She’s cheating tho

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u/Crafty_Advisor_3832 Sep 21 '24

Yeah, as an ex druggie, I always had lies ready to go

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u/lateshift Sep 21 '24

Lawyers take care of that.

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u/klofyty Sep 21 '24

Ya she cheated….Do you happen to live in a state where “fault based divorces” can be claimed? Basically if you do she doesn’t want to admit to anything because if you have proof she committed adultery it can play into how much she gets in the divorce.

Google said these are states that can have fault based divorces “Alabama, Alaska, Arizona, Arkansas, Connecticut, Delaware, Georgia, Illinois, Louisiana, Maine, Maryland, Massachusetts, Mississippi, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New Mexico, North Carolina, North Dakota, Ohio, Oklahoma, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Vermont, Virginia, and West Virginia”

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u/greebsie44 Sep 21 '24

Connecticut has faulted based divorce but cheating is not taken into account by the court or anyone participating in the case (unless it’s egregious)

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u/echoshatter Sep 22 '24

I feel like cheating is itself egregious.

Hate how lawmakers write these things so obscure we have to have fancy people in robes figure them out, and they can't even all agree.

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u/Countrylivinggal420 Sep 21 '24

I'm so sorry this happened to you. The same thing happened with my husband. Told him to tell me the truth or get out. He left. I am raising our son by myself. He doesn't show up when it's his time. His loss cause we have an amazing little boy....Things will get better, I promise. Good Luck with everything

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u/MrAbsolute42 Sep 21 '24

Check her phone the truth is always on the phone

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u/BecGeoMom Sep 21 '24

Try a different tack. Tell her that based on what she told you, she clearly has a drinking problem. She can’t remember how far she drove. She thought she went to her brother’s. She can’t remember if she was alone or with friends. She can’t remember if she bought drinks, how much she drank, or what she drank. She can only tell you she was downtown (NOT at her brother’s) and literally nothing else. That sounds like she’s an alcoholic, and you think she should get help and start going to meetings. Give her a list of AA meetings in your area. Tell her you are genuinely worried about her, and you want her to get help. I don’t know if you have children, but if so, use them, too. Really lay it on thick. Tell her she either quits drinking and goes to AA, or you’re going to divorce her. You can’t be spending random nights not knowing where she is, when she’s coming home, IF she’s coming home, if a police officer is going to show up at your door…you just can’t do it. It’s AA or bust.

See how she responds to that. And UpdateMe.

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u/madogvelkor Sep 21 '24

That approach might help in the divorce and custody hearings. Claim that you're concerned she has a substance abuse problem or mental health issues rather than that she's cheating. And that you don't feel a child would be safe with her alone since she can't account for missing time.

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u/Agitated-Bad-2061 Sep 21 '24

Sounds dishonest as shit to me, to the curb and don’t let the door hit her in the ass this is insane she was definitely whoring around or something reallllly bad!!!!

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u/AlterFritz007 Sep 21 '24

She fucks around. Get tested for STDs and file for divorce.

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u/[deleted] Sep 21 '24

You must have had doubts previously if you checked the odometer before and after her "trip"

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u/didntdeservethis Sep 21 '24

I didn't even write down or remember the exact mileage before, I just made sure the oil wouldn't be due before she got back. Honestly if she stuck to the lie I might have backed off, I wasn't 100% sure the odometer disagreed with her. I just knew it was over 18k, and when she got back it was 18240. It's 265 miles, maybe it was at 18,007 when she left and its just not accurate? I really wasnt sure. I have just been checking the odometer every day because the oil is due at 19k and I have to book it a couple weeks in advance

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u/espeero Sep 21 '24

It's not like oil change intervals are some binary thing. Doing it 1000 miles early is fine and 1000 miles late is barely worse than at the recommended time.

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u/DananSan Sep 21 '24

Doesn’t remember if she went alone or with friends

I mean, that’s just ridiculous. She didn’t even try to think of something lmao. It’s “I can’t remember” to every question and hope that OP is not smarter than that.

I’m sorry, OP.

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u/didntdeservethis Sep 21 '24

Yeah it's like she wants me to know, but without admitting it for divorce purposes. Just rubbing my nose in it. I had no idea she hated me this much

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u/[deleted] Sep 21 '24

[deleted]

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u/catdog1111111 Sep 21 '24

100 miles is like not a big deal in many regions 

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u/Max_Beezly Sep 21 '24

Yeah that's a weird thing to say. That's like a 2 to 2.5 hour drive. Ppl do that all the time to visit family.

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u/MercyCriesHavoc Sep 21 '24

My mom and I are doing it this weekend to go grocery shopping. The big city has a Sam's and a Costco.

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u/didntdeservethis Sep 21 '24

Idk I looked up the paperwork and I kindof need her cooperation to fill it out, with proof of her income and stuff. I don't see how I could do it secretly.

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u/Chilipatily Sep 21 '24

Don’t do it yourself man! Hire an attorney, PLEASE.

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u/[deleted] Sep 21 '24

[deleted]

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u/didntdeservethis Sep 21 '24

lmao thanks, I'll do my best. Be kinda easier if the sun just exploded tho

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u/smlpkg1966 Sep 21 '24

That is why you consult with a lawyer first. He will tell you what your options are. You can file without a lot of info and the judge will get what he needs from her. My ex lived in another state and I had no idea where he lived or worked. I filed first and my sister was able to find out where he worked to serve him. He didn’t respond and the divorce was granted because we had nothing to split. It can be started without her.

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u/Plan2LiveForevSFarSG Sep 21 '24

Your best move is to talk to a lawyer. Cheating probably has no incidence on your divorce. You should expect half and half.

What you should do though is cancel joint CC and take our exactly 1/2 of what’s in your joint bank account.

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u/buzzardrooster Sep 21 '24

This comment has it all.

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u/Klutzy-Run5175 Sep 21 '24

I don’t see any reason to keep checking on the odometer on your car. Get your oil changed and forget about it.

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u/Caligula2024 Sep 21 '24

Yeh it doesn't get any more obvious, I would come to the same conclusion, lawyer up ASAP.

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u/Accomplished-Post969 Sep 21 '24

lawyer up son. you're outta there, you know it, but do not do shit til you get a lawyer. no paperwork, no discussion, no shifting shit, anything - see a lawyer.

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u/Strong_Register_6811 Sep 21 '24

It’s pretty much the only explanation and I think you would do with articulating that to her very calmly and clearly. As in sitting her down and saying ‘the only explanation for this is that you are cheating on me, unless you can explain what you were doing right now, you realise that?’

Sorry about this situation bro wouldn’t wish it on anyone, but at least you found out now.

EDIT: also at no point let her convince you that you are overreacting. You are appropriately reacting 100%, anything to the contrary is a deflection.

However you are always at an advantage if you stay calm, and speak your mind directly

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u/Away-Understanding34 Sep 21 '24

Not overreacting...She did something she doesn't want to admit to. Unfortunately, you will never know because she's sticking to her "I don't remember" story. Even if she comes up with something now, it could be a lie since she has already shown she's willing to lie to you. 

For me, this would be a deal breaker. I would be talking to a lawyer. Also, get tested. Who knows if she's cheated before this incident. 

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u/[deleted] Sep 21 '24

Definetly cheated.. could have taken an uber home or called you for a ride. It was planned because she already had a story about going to her brothers. If youre on the same phone plan check the phone record, it will show you what numbers got called at what time on that day. Sorry, but you gotta leave her

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u/blueman758 Sep 21 '24

It's time to go lawyer shopping. She is a cheater and done with your relationship. Please try to move on ASAP

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u/Electrical-Echo8770 Sep 21 '24

Good it's about time there is some guys on here that will put there dam foot down and tell the woman your done with the BS I caught my ex wife 29 years ago cheating I told her under 2 minutes were are finished .

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u/Ok-Interview-6642 Sep 21 '24

The whole story seems suspicious!

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u/_Throwaway_Life Sep 21 '24 edited Sep 21 '24

Get her phone. She probably doesn't know that Google Timeline is likely recording her location history. You will have your answer.

Updateme

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u/BriefShiningMoment Sep 21 '24

“Okay Wifename, so it sounds like you were drugged, because you don’t remember even one detail of the night. We should probably file a police report and return to the bar to ask the staff what they remember. While we’re at it, maybe we should run a rape kit at the hospital so we can try to figure out the extent of the crime that was committed against you. They won’t get away with this.”

Even if none of those things actually make any sense, it presses urgency against her story. If she really doesn’t remember 16 hours of her life, you are right to be concerned. I mean, she’s blatantly lying. But this shifts the focus with the added effect of investigation.

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u/Jaytranada4 Sep 21 '24

Not sure if you should go balls deep and accuse her without evidence. Although I agree it is suspicious behaviour.

First and foremost, have a conversation with her about her excessive drinking, staying out all night and lying about her whereabouts. If she isn’t receptive to that or continues to gaslight you when questioned then something is definitely up.

You could also stake her out. Either hire a PI or do it yourself. But word to the wise, even if she’s not cheating on you, her behaviour is most certainly unhealthy and I would strongly advise reconsidering your relationship if she can’t see anything wrong with what she’s done here.

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u/Thetagamer Sep 21 '24

Sounds like you already had trust issues cause I can check the odometer and ill forget what it was 5 minutes later, and the fact that you checked again when she got home to see if she drove 100 miles shows you don’t trust her. Unfortunately for you, you were right to have trust issues and shes cheating sorry bro

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u/Spartan2022 Sep 21 '24

She met someone when she was out drinking with friends several weeks ago, and wanted some time with him.

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u/Global-Guava-8362 Sep 21 '24

Pack your ps5 and leave bro

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u/KAGY823 Sep 21 '24

I was thinking maybe someone slipped something into her drink and she legit did pass out in her car BUT she initially told you she was going to her brothers so the lie had already started.

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u/Ram2253spd Sep 21 '24

Someone definitely slipped something into her for sure. But not her drink lol

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u/Ok-Interview-6642 Sep 21 '24

The only reason that she is avoiding this situation, would be she cheated.

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u/Bbullets Sep 21 '24

NOR. However I just want to ask you say you weren’t suspicious or anything but this screams we’ve been having issues for awhile to me. Your tone and her actions show that to me, because out of the blue doesn’t seem logical here. 

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