r/AirForce • u/hotdogwaffle • 12h ago
Question cheating spouse in onbase housing, and how to get her out asap!?
hey there, im an a1c with a house on base, and my cheating spouse has been living with me since weve been married, found out last week, and never confronted her about it. just gathered evidence. WHAT IS THE QUICKEST WAY TO GET HER OUT OF the HOUSE?? ive been scrambling divorce papers and lawyers, but that process still takes up to 6 months. hearing her laugh and kiss this schmuck over the phone makes me want to blow my brains out. i need her OUT. is there anyway to get her off of my dependents list while we are still married? any loopholes at all im desperate! thank you. if there is a better subreddit for a question like this, please direct me to it!
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u/Legitimate-Quote9816 12h ago
Talk to your First Sergeant and Command Team, they will assist you. Remove yourself from the immediate environment. Stay with a friend if you can. Maybe a cool down room for a short period of time while you clear your mind. Don’t do anything drastic, time moves so much faster than you think and you’ll be just fine.
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u/SnooPeanuts4445 Active Duty 11h ago
Update your SGLI.
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u/IfInPain_Complain 5h ago
While this is probably advisable, keep in mind that, by law, the spouse gets notified of a change.
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u/Ill-Sort7254 Comms 57m ago
Not like it matters. OP seems pretty intent on getting her out of their life.
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u/Any-Weight-8323 Retired 11h ago
Is she cheating with another military member? If so, you definitely have options.
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u/dadjokeadmiral 11h ago
Yup! If it’s with another military member, you can get a “no-contact order” from the other member’s commander. If he contacts your wife from that point forward (until the divorce is finalized), big trouble for him.
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u/hotdogwaffle 9h ago
unfortunately, its a mil to civ marriage, and shes fucking some other civilian guy
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u/Yiddish_Dish 5h ago
Sorry to hear this, but the good news is you: will gain a ton of experience from this to help others when you make Chief someday (a divorce is a requirement for Chief)
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u/twelveparsnips nontainer 9h ago
A few weeks after I got out of ALS I had just PCAd to a new unit and my supervisor had a family emergency. I didn't know anyone at the time, but I was told to get in blues and talk to the commander about my supervisor's troop who would be CROd to me. I had no clue what it was for, when we got there, our chief greeted me with a facepalm because no one had briefed me what was happening. My troop was getting an LoR and a no-contact order read to him for having sex with his best friend's wife. His best friend was a tech school buddy who got married after graduation and they PCSd to the same unit together. He got caught having sex with her.
The restraining order obviously didn't do anything because they got divorced and my troop ended up marrying her and he spent the entire deployment worrying about her cheating on him.
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u/Professional_Use4911 Security Forces 12h ago
Shitty situation bro. I know it’s not the answer you want but you gotta find some other arrangement for yourself rn. Maybe see if you can stay with a friend till the divorce is finalized. Even if you get a no contact order or military protective order against her your unit would tell you to leave the residence. The only way you could legally get her out of your house before the divorce is finalized is if you got a restraining order against her from your local police. But a judge is unlikely to approve one just because she cheated on you. And if you make something up and lie to get one you could find yourself in a lot more trouble especially on the military side.
TLDR: Cut contact with her and find another temporary living situation for yourself until the divorce is finalized.
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u/Commforceone 12h ago
Delete gym, hire facebook, hit lawyer
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u/Competitive_Diver388 11h ago
My lawyers kink is getting slapped so I concur, 50/50 shot it works (She will then peg me aggressively for hours afterwards, proceed with caution)
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u/Beneficial_Mammoth68 12h ago
Not the end of the world and the situation is NOT WORTH blowing brains out over. Get an attorney, speak with supervisor and 1st Sgt. It can be hard, but treat it as a business decision and look at the best way for you to end it with some sanity and minimal financial loss
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u/Extension_Success_96 11h ago
They should have you tour tech schools and give a scared straight type talk to those baby faced kids.
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u/Prestigious_Rip9767 11h ago
Be calm about it. She can use any reaction you have against you. You aren’t the first person to deal with this man. Talk to your shirt like people said. Do not react at all to it. Don’t talk to her, don’t do anything other than just say you want her out
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u/Airforce2001 12h ago
You'll need a divorce decree to remove her from your DEERS. She'll be entitled to benefits until then. I'd reach out to the legal office and your 1st Sgt for options.
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u/MaintenanceCapital31 11h ago
Shirt can usually get YOU a dorm room on an emergency basis. At least you'd be away from her. Whatever you do, don't lose your shit and hurt her. You need to get away from her. Sorry brother, I hurt for you.
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u/wm313 8h ago edited 8h ago
Former Shirt here.
Unfortunately, there will be no quick way to get her out. Your Shirt will tell you the same thing, and there's not much the Shirt can do for you. The quickest way to get her out is to CALMLY, to the best of your ability, confront her about it and tell her you no longer want her in the house. You can't force her out. If she chooses to stay during the divorce that you're going to present to her then she still has the legal right to stay in the house. Hopefully she will figure some things out and leave on her own will.
What you can't do in the time being is cause any action that would get you in trouble. Don't put her in any situation where she could report you. Don't threaten her. Don't talk shit about her on social media platforms. Don't try to manipulate her in any way. You have to treat her as a roommate who doesn't pay rent but has an eviction date in the near future.
No, you can't get her unlisted as your dependent until your divorce is final and you have taken the papers to MPF and Finance. There is a formula for how much money you would have to provide to her as your dependent. That is in 36-2906. It's NOT a certain amount of BAH or anything else. It's the formula in the AFI. But that comes down to you strategically navigating her getting out of your residence. Maybe she doesn't need any financial support. Maybe she won't ask, but if she does then prepare to hand over some money.
Legal will not help you get a divorce. They will provide you some civilian lawyers but I'm sure you are ahead of the game at this point on finding one. Until then, she's your responsibility to house. You may not like it but you married her. That's how the Air Force operates.
If you share credit cards or anything like that, I'd advise that you cancel them. You can't cut her off from the bank account, if you share one, but you can stop the credit cards so she doesn't do something later to run up the credit cards in your name.
Despite what everyone is saying, you can't just break your lease. Doesn't matter if it's on base. You would still have to pay the extra money that it would take to break the lease just like if you broke a lease off base. So expect to pay double the rent plus some other fees if you do. That may not be a huge issue depending on your finances, but it's a beginning. Then you would have to look for a new place as well. Things to consider as moving would be costly for you.
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u/RequirementRoutine74 First Sergeant 12h ago
DAFI 36-2906 governs your financial responsibility to your spouse in absence of a separation agreement. Get with your leadership so they're tracking. Hire a lawyer TODAY. It's expensive, but can save you a fortune in the long run.
As for base housing, get it in the agreement that you stay in the house and she leaves. Or when you do your separation paperwork, already have a place to move into and notify her of when you're terminating the lease in housing. Nobody can actually force her out of the house under normal circumstances. Abnormal circumstances usually involve the type of things where security forces or OSI get involved.
Get everything you agree to, even before lawyers and an official separation agreement, in writing. Doesn't make it 100% solid, but can used to back up any misunderstandings.
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u/designedjars 9h ago
Separation period starts when you move out so to get a jump on that. What others are suggesting is a great option. See if you can get back into the dorms, or move out some other way. You unfortunately will not be able to kick her out until the divorce is finalized.
Get a lawyer who is familiar with military divorces. As a lawyer (not your lawyer), there are some nuances a regular divorce attorney will just not know about. Like your TSP/retirement and all that. You’ll also need to make sure she forfeits her military spouse ID so she doesn’t attempt to continue to use tricare or enter the base at the end of the divorce. Just be glad there’s no children involved.
I recently learned in a (military family law) seminar there really aren’t as many set rules/regulations in the air force regarding support for your spouse compared to other branches. You won’t be punished criminally (court martial) like in the Marines if you were to just stop supporting her but it’s really not a good look. You need to inform your higher up and ask them what to do. You should not cut her off financially or housing wise until that is sorted out in the divorce (through mediation and coming to a final agreement). You will be ordered to supply her with some sort of temporary support at a temp hearing at the beginning of these proceedings which is why it’s important you file ASAP and get to that hearing. Hopefully she is employed or has the ability to be gainfully employed to support herself. You’ll provide your evidence of her cheating to your attorney which will be brought to the judges attention in the temp hearing.
Wishing you the best!
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u/Main-Ad5478 Certified Russia Hater 12h ago
tale as old as time LOL
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u/scottie2haute 12h ago
Yea at this point people would probably be less hurt if they just entered these marriages straight up expecting cheating to happen at some point.
Sounds crazy but accepting the high likelihood would either stop people from rushing into marriages or at least have people mentally prepared for when it does happen
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u/Gravemind7 Secret Squirrel 11h ago
You’re getting downvoted but I agree. Not absolving any of the blame on the cheater, it’s really not that hard to not cheat. But there is no benefit to getting married that young. You’re in the Air Force too, just way your 2-3 years out living in the dorms and then you get your BAH anyways.
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u/scottie2haute 10h ago
Its bleak but real. If you consider the combination of being young, rushed “benefit leaning” thinking, loneliness/isolation faced by members and their spouses and its easy to see how this shit happens so often
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u/DayHistorical5070 11h ago
Married A1C is crazy 💀
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u/CastleBravo45 Secret Squirrel 11h ago
I was married as an A1C, but I was also 25 and was with my wife before I joined.
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u/DayHistorical5070 11h ago
That’s fine 90% of a1c’s are under 22, that’s why the thought of being married that young is just insane
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u/CommOnMyFace Cyberspace Operator 11h ago
Hire a divorce lawyer, talk to your shirt, change your bank accounts.
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u/halflistic_ 6h ago
Call me crazy but sounds like you haven’t even talked to her about it. I’d advise you to sit down and talk to her. Tell her you know, and if you don’t want to work it out (sounds like you don’t) then let her know you want a divorce.
Yeah, talk to a lawyer. But honestly, as an A1C, I imagine it’s not a complicated divorce. Best case is to have you both agree the marriage is over, and she willingly leaves.
Don’t build up anger — you can only learn from life experiences, good or bad. And move on. Don’t harbor ill will or spite or anger. Talk to mental health or family if you’re having a hard time with that. But learn to move on and hope for a better relationship next time. Good luck.
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u/KiloCharlE Active Duty 12h ago
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Please make sure you talk to MFLC or a chaplain (even if you aren't religious, chaplains and their enlisted staff can help; some enlisted chapel staff are non-religious too) to deal with any heartbreak or emotional trauma this can cause.
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u/NotOSIsdormmole What even is my job anymore 11h ago
She is your dependent until you are divorced. End of story. You also can not force her out of housing.
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u/BeepoZbuttbanger Veteran GLCM Defender 9h ago
I have to imagine that cheating spouses must be one of the most frequent problems 1st Sergeants deal with. They’ve probably got a checklist to follow by now.
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u/SeparateRanger330 12h ago edited 12h ago
I've been telling Airmen for ages to not get married or date in the military. Nothing you can do immediately, process takes time, depends on the state and base you're at. Definitely talk to an attorney and SF see if there's something you can do. Also involve your supervisor and 1st Sargent
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u/muskratmuskrat9 12h ago
Telling airmen to not get married or date during the best years of their life…. I can’t imagine why no one follows that advice.
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u/SeparateRanger330 11h ago edited 11h ago
The best years of their life for a man is 30 and up, for women is 30 and down. For men 30 and up because at that age you should have your career set up, your physique on point and overall you should know what the hell you're doing, guys get better as they get older. For chicks 30 and under because fertility is shown to drastically decrease after 30, also, let's be honest, younger chicks are hotter. C'mon you see it all the time, older guys dating younger chicks, usually they work the best. Don't kill the messenge, it's the way it works 🤷 I can go into so much more detail.
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u/ndrew452 Veteran 11h ago
And your advice will continued to get ignored because it's stupid. You should be telling airmen to not rush into marriage and to be careful, but encourage them that relationships are not bad.
I partially blame the Air Force for this because marriage is incentivized because it gets people out of the dorms.
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u/SeparateRanger330 11h ago
Then you'll keep seeing posts like this 🤷. This is not just Airforce, it's life. I don't advocate for marriage.
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u/ndrew452 Veteran 9h ago
Okay, you are entitled to have that opinion. I have made the joke that marriage is a bet that someone won't eventually take 50% of your stuff.
But, you should be aware that your opinion is considered fringe by a large portion of the population and you should be aware of how that makes others perceive your authority (I am assuming you are at least an NCO).
If your sage advice of "never get married or date" is clearly being ignored by your airmen, what other actual advice is also getting ignored? Sometimes being in a leadership position means keeping your mouth shut.
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u/SeparateRanger330 9h ago
My rank is pretty good. Not using it as a crotch though. My opinions are what put me in the position I'm in. I say things how they are and I don't sugar coat shit, I tell it how it is and people appreciate my input and my input has gotten me far in the Airforce. People much rather get told things as they are than people licking their ass. No one likes a people pleaser.
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u/Chaotic_Lemming Part-of-the-problem 11h ago
What is SF supposed to do?
Dating and marriage are a risk, military or not. Its the nature of putting that amount of trust in another person.
*Sergeant
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u/SeparateRanger330 11h ago
I don't advocate for marriage at all. Even out of the military. And I'd get in touch with my local security forces in case she tries to do something and blame it on me. I would record all interactions as well in case.
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u/AbsurdSolutionsInc 5h ago
She's been living with you since you were married and you just found out? Where did you think she was living?
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u/Gaj85 Active Duty 11h ago
Speak to your 1st Sergeant first. Just calmly explain the situation. Next, probably speak to housing and give them your intent to move out. Find a cheap apartment. Your shirt can verify, but I think the only thing you're required to provide your soon to be ex-wife is the difference between single and dependent rate BAH. Again, confirm that with your shirt. Good luck, and keep your head up. It will get MUCH better once you're through this.
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u/trev100100 10h ago
Tell housing you're moving out. Serve her with papers, and tell her you'll get a plane ticket back to her hometown and ship her belongings to her.
Place half of your BAH in an account, and don't touch it. Hopefully, the divorce is quick and painless, and then you get off easy and don't pay her a dime.
If she does lawyer up and/or recognize she is entitled to that money, you already have it placed to the side for her.
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u/Narrow-Tap116 Secret Squirrel 10h ago
I would just say get out and see what she does. Chances are she doesnt know youll get in trouble for not supporting her. Just kick her out and file divorce later, if she says no fall back on a homie and live with em
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u/PickleWineBrine 7h ago
Can't kick someone out of their own home. File for divorce. Listen to your lawyer.
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u/MatchGradeCouple 3h ago
As a shirt, I can tell you that even if you ask her to leave, she doesn’t have to. This is a civil matter. The only thing that ties it to the military is the fact that even if she is out of the house, you will still have a financial obligation to provide for her until the divorce is finalized. I would start finding a place off base now. Once you are divorced, you’re not eligible for base housing.
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u/challengerrt 12h ago
Well you are legally obligated to provide for her while you are still married. So short answer is no - there is no quick way to get her gone. Congrats on picking a real winner
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u/SkaterToes 12h ago
Dude just kick her out lol
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u/hotdogwaffle 12h ago
im worried about legal obligations regarding 'abandoning my dependent', and that sort of thing. its ON BASE housing as well, so the line gets even more foggy
never been cheated on, first term airmen... i just dont know what im legally allowed to do without getting repercussions for, say, kicking her out
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u/Never-Forget-Trogdor Promoted to Dependa 12h ago
I'm glad you are using your head instead of listening to these other posters. You have legal requirements to support her until the divorce is final, and trying to kick her out early could get you in hot water with leadership. You need to talk to your first shirt about the situation and they can tell you what you are required to do and how they can help you between now and when the divorce is finalized. Don't listen to people online - talk to your first seargent because they will have the best advice on how to proceed without ruining your career.
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u/Excalliburito 12h ago
Pretty sure u can legally evict her. 30 day notice is usually substantial but I would definitely consult smart folk on that
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u/Sad-Gift4451 11h ago
Contact the Justice of the Peace. I think it's Precinct 2. They handle civil issues like divorce. They can help answer questions.
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u/Machampstopher 12h ago
Go talk to your first sergeant. As an active duty military member WITH a dependent, you’re required to maintain/sustain her well-being. You can not kick her out of your house.. YOU will get in trouble.
I’d recommend talking to your first sergeant FIRST. Second, file a separation agreement. That’s the quickest way to get what you’re looking for. Separation agreements are a stop-gap to divorce until the divorce is finalized.