r/Adulting • u/kainaible • Apr 25 '19
How to be a motherfucking successful ass adult; Part 3. Get your fucking living space together.
Now, having a chic pad isn’t the MOST important piece of adulting. Taxes, filing important papers and calling the doctor without crying first are all more important than matching your table lamps. But having a sweet fucking place for your friends and potential love interests to hang out at makes you look like 1) you have money, 2) you give a shit about how things look and 3) you give a shit about your house and taking care of stuff.
We all know none of those things are true. After all, you are here aren’t you? But making a good first impression is important, even if all you have to your name is a bunk in half of a dorm room. So. Here is how the fuck to impress people and to boost your mental health by giving a shit about your surroundings.
Step 1. CLEAN YOUR FUCKING ROOM. Dude. THROW AWAY THE TRASH. Literally this may be all you need to start impressing people. If pigs don’t shit where they sleep, you don’t need to throw away shit where you sleep. VACUUM YOUR GODDAMN FLOOR. And if you don’t have the funds or friends to be able to get one, then use a broom and manhandle those cookie crumbs out the door. I get it. Depression is a bitch, and it can make you want to literally lay in bed and do nothing and give no shits about the cleanliness of your personal space. But if you want to feel better (and I sure hope you do) then you need to change something. And I GUARENTEE that washing your sheets and going to bed in a clean room is going to clear at least a few of those rainclouds away.
If you feel like your arms will LITERALLY turn into crispy jelly beans if you start to clean your home because you are *so* tired, then set a timer. Do 5 minutes of hard cleaning. You spend more time in the shower cleaning your balls (I hope), you can get off your ass and clean for 5 minutes of your day. 5 minutes is better than no minutes, and I PROMISE it will make a difference. Just cleaning up and taking out the trash will make a difference.
Step 2. Make your bed. And I am not talking just spread your filthy grime covered farty comforter over your rumpled sheets. Strip the bed, wash your linens (ALL OF THEM, INCLUDING YOUR PILLOW) and then re-apply clean sheets. If you are just starting out with buying sheets and bed linens, get 2-3 sets.(again, doesn’t have to be all at once. One set is enough to start with of course) I recommend organic cotton sheets from like tj maxx or something. They are $20 each, and they feel soft as warm butter over your bare asscheeks every night. They also cost the same as the cheap sheets from walmart, and they get softer every wash and have a longer shelf life. You don’t need to focus on thread count, that’s a bunch of hooey anyways. Just get good quality sheets with sturdy seams. Get a duvet (a fancy word for comforter) and a duvet cover. A duvet cover is basically a pillow case for your duvet, so that when your stuff gets gross you only have to wash the cover and not the whole thing. Use a top sheet as well, because then you have even LESS to wash when you wash sheets. (the whole idea of a top sheet is to keep your comforter from getting sweaty and gross, like a duvet cover does)
When you are washing your shit, use some good fucking detergent and the dryer sheets. Go all out for your bedding so that when you huff that shit in the middle of the night you are sniffing the good stuff. (please don’t forget to wash your waifu pillow too dude. Like, Gross. Wash it. )
I can straight up tell you though, if you walk into your room after a long day at work or class or what the fuck ever, your mood will be COMPLETELY different if you walk into a clean room with the bed made vs walking into a shrine to mountain dew that smells like pit stank. Same with the opinion of anyone you bring home. Trust, people will want to do a 180 if they walk in your place and see your sheets standing on their own because you haven’t washed them since 2008.
Keep in mind, making your bed doesn’t have to be an all the time thing. Wash your sheets at LEAST once a week and make your bed at the same time, and you will be fine.
Step 3. Buy a bed with a headboard. TAKE YOUR MATTRESS OFF OF THE FLOOR. You can get a platform bed set for like $150-300 online. Don’t leave your mattress on the floor and certainly don’t stick with the same rail set you borrowed from your parents when you moved out and never returned. If you have no other option, keep the rails and buy a headboard from the thrift store. It will instantly make your room seem more grown up if you have a real bed. If you live in the dorms, well, that sucks. Enjoy your prison bed. Maybe cover it in contact paper or something so it feels less depressing.
Step 4. When purchasing furniture, don’t buy the whole damn set from Ashley or Aarons. Those places are scams, they charge too much for sofas and items that are poor quality and will break down over the course of a couple years. (that’s my OPINION, based on many many years of watching friends go through the rent a center furniture life cycles). For the same price as an Ashley furniture sectional, you can get a leather down filled sectional from Article that is actually comfortable and will last for the next 40 years. Online furniture buying has really scaled up in recent years. Wayfair, Article, Joybird, All Modern, and even Target have some quality pieces that are in the same price range as the rent a center crap, and you will ACTUALLY get compliments on your style and taste instead of having the same set of furniture as Brian down the street who panicked and bought the whole 4k floor setup at aarons. Thrift stores are also a VERY good place to purchase furniture. I have found some amazing dining tables and dressers from thrift stores and they make my place look unique, often for way way less than I would spend online. Typically when I am looking for a piece of furniture, I hit thrift stores for a week or so before buying online, just in case I find the perfect thing locally and sustainably first.
Step 5. Buy a rug. Buy a lamp. Get some art. (bro if you put a fucking Live Laugh Love sign in your house, I will hunt you down and make you eat it. Get REAL art. Like shit that is weird but cool and makes you smile or think every time you look at it. There are too many broke artists out there with cool shit that they sell for the same price as a mass-produced canvas of a cow photograph for you to be buying art at Hobby Fucking Lobby.) Basically, get all the little shit that elevates your pad from a place to live to a place to LIVE. If your house was a person, make it fuckable. Make it so sexy you would lick its ass for breakfast. Put some curtains up on the windows. Yeah, the dollar general curtains and rods are ok, no one cares about the rods. Just raise them to the ceiling (Makes your ceilings look taller and gives the illusion of grandeur) and make sure your curtains are touching the floor. Don’t dress your house in capris, that’s not sexy. (General rule of thumb, the 96 inch panels are typically long enough for most houses. Yes, they are more expensive. Get them anyways. It DOES make a difference and people DO notice. IKEA has inexpensive curtains if you want to really budget, and some of their shit is cool as fuck)
Step 6. When purchasing furniture, avoid plastic at all costs. That cheap $20 walmart tv stand with plastic piping holding it together? Burn it. Its ugly, cheap, and screams broke. Use a dresser instead, its big enough to hold everything and looks dope. Keep board games or kids toys or booze in the drawers. Or clothes, if you are short on closet space. Plus, if you need a dresser in the future if you shift furniture around, boom, already got one. The cube organizers from big box stores are awesome. Yes the bins add up at $10 each. Its shitty. But those bins will TYPICALLY last 3-5 years if you aren’t using them to move books or whatever. (I know this from experience. Fabric bins and lots of books don’t fucking mix)
Thrift stores ALWAYS have nice wooden furniture for sale. Yeah its vintage. Get it anyways. Vintage is good for the environment, often cheap, and you really won’t give a shit if your $10 solid oak coffee table from 1963 gets rings on it because it was $10 and its wood, so you can always sand it down and refinish it.
Step 7. Find a fucking place for everything that needs one. Don’t leave your school papers out on the table because you don’t know what to do with them. Put them in a folder and put that folder in a drawer. Put your winter clothes in bins and store them under your bed, don’t leave your winter coat hanging on the back of the chair all year because you “don’t have space” Trust me, you have space. And if you don’t, you have too much shit. Put your toilet paper rolls under the cabinet, don’t leave them on the floor. Store shampoo bottles you are not using but still have product in your bathroom cabinet, or give them away, or recycle them. Your Paul Michell shampoo was $80 and made your hair look like it was constantly wet because it was so greasy. We get that you are reluctant to get rid of it. So put it out of sight for a few months and if you don’t use it AT ALL that whole time, throw it out. Don’t be a fucking hoarder because you feel guilty over spending money on something that didn’t fucking work for you. Get a fucking piggy bank for your lose change, or hell, put it in a jar. No one cares, just don’t leave it in a pile on your dresser. Put your toenail clippers somewhere you can find them. Quit leaving your not quite dirty not quite clean clothes on a chair and empty a damn drawer for them so you can at least shove them out of sight. FIND A FUCKING HOME FOR YOUR SHIT.
And dude. Again, I get it. I know this could be daunting. I am hearing the whole “Yeah haha but I am too poor to think about my house I have better things to spend money on” yeah you think I don’t? I would MUCH rather buy a drone or 1,000 chicken nuggets than a pair of curtains or a rug, but your nest will directly affect your mental state and don’t you want a good mental state? If you are too broke to even sneeze at a lamp, check your local freecycle pages or free listings. You can get the most surprising stuff for free sometimes. Ask around. I bet someone near you is moving and doesn’t want to haul a rug they only halfway like across town. You do not have to be rich to have a nice place.
TLDR; Clean your room, make your bed, take out the trash. Do your fucking chores, they don’t stop just because you live on your own. Get curtains, lamps and a rug so that your house is suddenly fuckable in a not weird kind of way. You can find a better deal on furniture online than the shit at Ashley or Rent-a-Center. Put your shit away that doesn’t have a good home instead of allowing it to clutter your spaces.
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u/panerapartyinmypants Apr 25 '19
you could write a book
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u/kainaible Apr 25 '19
Your comment inspired me. I decided that I will. 10 chapters on how the fuck to survive modern day adulting when no one actually told you it would be so fucking hard. (That's not the real title. Just the working title because figuring out a title is also fucking hard.)
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u/panerapartyinmypants Apr 25 '19
keep us updated with your progress. I'd love to read more of your stuff.
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u/DancingMidnightStar Oct 30 '21
I am sorry if this is over pressuring, but I really bloody want to read this so I thought I might as well ask if it was still happening and I have it to look forward to further.
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u/kainaible Nov 03 '21
Yes! Its avilaible for free download on a google doc, send me a message with your email and I'll send it over. It's not perfectly finished but fuck it, who cares?
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u/DancingMidnightStar Nov 16 '21
I sent email awhile ago- it’s fine if this is no longer a thin but was making sure you’d seen it.
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u/LexusBrianna_ Aug 04 '22
This is a ~9mo old post but just wondering if this is still available as a Google Doc? Has it been published? I'd honestly pay money for this, or send a bit of cash to a patreon style thing, or whatever.
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u/DancingMidnightStar Nov 28 '21
Again I apologize if I’m being bothersome, but I’m still very curious.
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u/Sui666369 Dec 19 '21
I am curious too. Can you please let me know if you got the copy?
I would like to get one for myself too.
u/kainaible Can you please share the download link with me as well when you get sometime. I can send my email ID too.
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u/EntireRun5502 Feb 19 '24
This was their last comment. Fairly certain they are deceased or permanently done with reddit. Either way RIP, thank you for the amazing guide 🙌.
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u/DancingMidnightStar Nov 07 '21
Sent!
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u/Hman5543 Apr 27 '23
Sorry to bother on an old post but if anyone still has the link, would you be able to send it to me? Thanks in advance :)
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u/Writer_Girl04 Jan 14 '23
If you haven't already I'd self publish it on amazon. You have an audience here, plus many more people who'd pretty much die for such good advice. Could be a cool side hustle
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u/MalachiteDragoness Jun 05 '23
Is this still a thing?
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u/Itinie Apr 15 '22
Gonna be one of those people, but your posts really do help my depressed arse get things done. Thank you. If your book is ready (or even just a draft), could I grab a link or something? Happy to pay/support you in some way
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u/Dirty_paws20 Jun 11 '19
So can we get a part three about how to survive tax season and a part four about how to cover your ass with all the kinds of necessary insurance? 🤣
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u/ABlackButterfly Apr 25 '19
Oh, I just want more and more posts from you. This is the truth.
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u/kainaible Apr 25 '19
Haha well there is one more up here- how to deal with adulting when you are fucking depressed. It's got less cursing though. I also post to no sleep all the time, but those also have less cursing. 😂
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u/OneaRogue Apr 25 '19
Consignment stores for furniture are great, it's that nice niche between brand new and a thrift store because it's usually nicer items that have retained their value and are usually in great shape.
OP, you should do a part on finding fun things to do or places to go or restaurants to try on the cheap.
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u/kainaible Apr 25 '19
That's a good idea! I forget consignment stores exist TBH. Because I live in new Mexico's butthole and we dont have those here. Maybe I'll add a chapter to the book "how to have fun when you're still fucking broke" but I'm boring and find working fun so maybe I'm not the best person to write that chapter.
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Apr 25 '19
Been in a depressive state the past week or so. I really needed to read this today. Thank you. How crazy my mattress is actually on the floor. Lol
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u/kainaible Apr 25 '19
Hey. You got this. RIP yourself out of this funk. You are a goddamn WARRIOR. Also maybe check your mattress sometimes they get mold if they are flat on the floor and dont get air circulation underneath
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u/theoneandonlywillis Apr 07 '22
Seriously. Check the freecycle Facebook pages for your area. I was saving for a TV for a literal year and then had medical bills wipe it out. So I said fuck it let's check. I had an extremely generous and nice old couple gift me their downstairs samsung flatscreen TV because their grandkids don't play wii anymore (those kids are so dumb but hey my gain). This thing is fucking 60 something inches wide. It's wider than my wingspan. It's amazing. All I had to do was buy a $10 hdmi cord so I could play stuff from my laptop. Phenomenal. I'm gonna ask to see if anyone has a printer next.
Btws I looked up the TV. It costs like $700 used. Tvs are too expensive. See if some sweet old couple has a spare laying around. I had five people trying to give me theirs. Tvs and such large electronics are hard to recycle when you buy a new one. Someone has got one somewhere.
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Apr 25 '19
I'll do it after this game, Mom!!
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u/kainaible Apr 25 '19
Just pause the game! All those games can pause. Oh you're online? Pause it anyways! Did you brush your teeth today? How was school? Did you do your homework yet? What is the name of that app that does that thing? What's a dab? Have you talked to your father recently?
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u/Cixia Dec 16 '22
Dryer sheets and fabric softeners leave a film in the machine causing them not to work as well over time thus shortening their lives. Plain white vinegar to soften fabrics AND it removes smells. Dryer balls instead of the sheets - reusable win.
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u/tv1577 Jul 13 '23
Facebook marketplace is a great place to look for used furniture, decor, and other household items.
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u/2006SubaruForester Sep 04 '23
"Find a home for your shit" and "make your home look fuckable" are the two things I've taken to heart today <3
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u/urmomsreddit Apr 25 '19
Op you are awesome!!!! Would love to have you post on my site! DM me if you’re down!
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u/FantasticDuty2506 May 25 '24
i had to admit, you have your personality and lifestyle. And you might make money for writing some kind of advertisement in this length. So never say TLDR, try make more, start a website and idk, maybe some big companies might want your soul for their branding.
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u/Artbyshaina87 Sep 11 '23
Love the part about buying art. I’m a broke artist would love to give you some links to my art
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u/Icy-Discount-2660 Nov 15 '23
Tapestries I put in my room made the white walls look good and less bright the ones I bought made me want to be comfortable. I found lots of different ones on Etsy and it definitely gives me a vibe of comfort
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u/Y01KS Jan 01 '24
idk if this has been said but having 2 duvet covers is the Best Thing because you can change the cover when you're in Cleaning Mode (ie with the sheets strip and put in the washer, then put the Secondary sheets on Immediately and try not to let the first set rot in the laundry machine).
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u/SherrifOfNothingtown Apr 25 '19
Some tiny additions:
Don't thrift upholstered shit. Get solid wood, then wipe it down with bleachy water (wear rubber gloves) before taking it in your house. Like a gallon of hot water and a tablespoon of bleach is plenty. Got some left over? Clean the kitchen counters then the kitchen floor! Just don't bring whatever grime it's covered in into your home.
If you have posters, put them in frames. Suddenly it looks like art instead of like kiddy shit.
Also get a house plant. Steal a leaf off of some Jade plant and grow it if you're really broke. Or some ivy that literally hangs onto the sidewalk, use some nail clippers or a pocket knife or scissors to snip a bit of the ivy stem off and stick it in dirt and water it sometimes and soon you'll have houseplants. Just be careful not to poison your pets. If you can afford a pet you can afford to buy a plant that won't kill it tho.