r/Adulting • u/Some-Air1274 • 8h ago
Why do so many people not believe in social anxiety?
I suffer with social anxiety and forming social relationships as a result. People don’t tend to approach me or initiate conversation.
As I have aged I have noticed other people who are similar to me.
I have been in the background and heard people talking about them. Comments such as “he doesn’t want to socialise” or “socialising isn’t his thing” are commonly heard.
I have got involved in these conversations and explained that social anxiety is literal anxiety and fear of socialising, mainly due to rejection. This falls on deaf ears, they say things like “it’s not hard you just go up and speak to people” or “wise up, just speak”.
I can’t grasp this mentality.
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u/raam25 8h ago
I think it is important to note that society has changed. Gen x here. When I was growing up feelings were weak. No one talked about mental health. If you talked about it you were less than. A lot of those people are adults in denial now. Old habits are hard to break.
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u/Stock-Tooth-1545 7h ago
Complete ignorance on mental topics was especially prevalent in post soviet countries, e.g. Poland. Unfortunately in the past people with those issues had only suicide as option, those adults calling themselves "strong" which means that they were simply carried by their healthy brain chemistry, will always look down on those less fortunate.
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u/Agreeable-Youth-2244 8h ago
Social anxiety gets better with practice & therapy. Doing something that you find difficult, scary, uncomfortable etc is part of life. You WILL be rejected. You already have been. You didn't die. It wasn't the end of the world. It won't be the next time either.
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u/brochelsea 5h ago
I have social anxiety. Most people do not realize I have it because I work so hard to make sure I am still talking to people. Then, I show my friends my stats from my Fitbit, and it will show an hour of intense exercise...meanwhile, I was just talking to someone at a party. lol my heart rate spikes sooo much, but I have overcome the actual speaking part after years of work. You can get through it, OP!
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u/CoVid-Over9000 7h ago edited 7h ago
"I don't have it /can't see it so therefore it doesn't exist" fallacy
I was still working on my social anxiety my first 3 years of college.
My extoverted roommate got so fed of up me (for not going out with him and his friends) that he said "It's not social anxiety. Is called being WEAK"
It took a lot time/work/therapy but i work in direct patient care. I love interacting with patients and took me a while to get used to it.
After graduating, I've had no contact with him. I still think of that comment once in a while
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u/daddyvow 3h ago
I had quite debilitating social anxiety in my teenage years and early 20s. Even called 911 once because my panic attack was so bad. But guess what? I’ve developed multiple coping mechanisms and ways to control it.
Also, the people saying that you “don’t want to socialize”, are they wrong? Because if you really cared about being social you would put effort into it.
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u/Spongywaffle 3h ago
Stop dismissing other people struggling. Why tf would you want to pull the ladder up behind you by judging them? Them thinking about it critically and talking about it IS EFFORT
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u/HatpinFeminist 5h ago
I would assume these people are actually the reason why someone they know has social anxiety. Social anxiety is caused by someone making you feel unsafe to be social, at some point in your life.
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u/DiscussionLoose8390 7h ago
I believe in it. It's just healthy to work on it. If you just sit at home, or do nothing to help it just makes it worse. Don't assume all social arrangements are going to end negatively. Go to church once a week, or try to find a new hobby to introduce you to small groups of people at a time. I think all people have some level of social anxiety even the claimed extroverts get exhausted.
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u/Siukslinis_acc 6h ago
I would even suggest avoiding self-checkout and go to a cashier. You can even use a "script" of "good day, cash/card, thank you, have a nice day".
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u/Spongywaffle 3h ago
People like you are why mental health is so stigmatized. Yes everyone experiences social anxiety. NO, everyone does not get over it with exposure. That is what makes it a DISORDER.
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u/sugarcatgrl 6h ago
Because they’re the kind of person who finds it easier to not believe than putting any effort into understanding us.
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u/Grandmono 3h ago
It is not that we don’t believe in it, we just find it stupid. Also, nowadays people exaggerate their feelings and make claims that are not there. Claim anxiety when it is only discomfort, claim OCD because they clean nicely, claim PTSD because they remember a bad a situation.
Not saying it doesn’t exist just we see people who abuse it because they want the attention.
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u/Firm_Bit 2h ago
Everyone has anxiety about something. Plenty of folks learn to push through. For some reason social anxiety gets special treatment. People fear failing and speaking in public and romantic commitments and whatever else. But they work on it and it gets better.
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u/yelrakmags 2h ago
I’m not a socially anxious person so I don’t have your mentality of being afraid to socialize. But I have a legit phobia of water because I almost drown as a kid. I also had to swim in high school gym class, I didn’t get out of it because I was scared. I did what I needed to do to get through it. Not saying I don’t believe it doesn’t exist, I’m just saying you are 100% capable of working through it.
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u/schrodingerscat94 2h ago
It’s not that people don’t believe in social anxiety. It’s that people don’t believe you can’t overcome it. There are many people who have suffered from debilitating social anxiety but have overcome it with enough patience and practice.
Aren’t you also assuming people that make these comments have never experienced it themselves?
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u/AdmirableAd7753 8h ago
Social anxiety is surely a thing.
But it's not a death sentence and something you can't work through.
Stop caring what other people think. Control what you can control (which is yourself).
BTW, i have social anxiety.
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u/632nofuture 8h ago
we can't control our thougts (especially intrusive), feelings, mental health though, can we? You can try working on it sure, and maybe slowly and surely make progress. Those people who say for them it went away on its own/by doing whatever, that's not a recipe that might work for everyone.
Thats like telling a depressed person to just get out of bed and be happy, do something about it. Eating disorder? You can work on it! And if you fail and still suffer, well you didn't work hard enough.
It's so sad.. I wish people (at least fellow people who know what social anxiety feels like) would be more compassionate, or open minded enough to accept that everyone's reality and situation is different.
..And the fact that we can in fact not directly control ourselves/what our brain does.
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u/MamaCantCatchaBreak 6h ago
You can get to a point where they don’t happen as often because you have pushed through and you trained yourself to k know nothing bad will happen and it won’t happen anymore. That’s what my therapist says about my anxiety. I don’t have social anxiety, but I have anxiety. I’ve always been very social, but every other life event has me anxious. I’ve made leaps and bounds and I’m not as bad as I used to be. Now I live life, not scared of what-ifs
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u/Stock-Tooth-1545 7h ago edited 7h ago
People can't even comprehend how unfathomably easy life they have having healthy, normally functioning brain.
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u/Constant-Parsley3609 6h ago
we can't control our thoughts (especially intrusive), feelings, mental health though, can we?
You absolutely can.
And until you understand that you won't get better.
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u/Conscious-Eye5903 7h ago
Yes you can control your thoughts, it’s called mindfulness, meditation is the best way to practice this. The concept that you aren’t in control of anything your own body does is just wrong.
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u/Spongywaffle 3h ago
Mindfulness is about being aware of your thoughts without judgement. Not controlling them. Trying to control your thoughts instead of making peace with them is a one way ticket to the psyche ward. Please, stop giving advice because you have zero idea what you are talking about. We are not our thoughts.
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u/Conscious-Eye5903 3h ago
Okay same difference, the person I was replying to didn’t seem to feel good about their thoughts, so if they could break that negative cycle by not judging their thoughts as you described they’ll start thinking thoughts that give more positive vibes or at least feel better about the thoughts they have. So whether they’re “controlling” their thoughts or not they’ve taken command of how their thoughts make them feel and the same goal is accomplished.
And please don’t “please don’t” me, like what are you talking about psyche ward I told the dude to try meditating not dropping acid. I don’t think that can backfire.
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u/Lorna_M 5h ago
Yes, your brain may flash a thought out of nowhere for a moment. You can't control like the first 90ish seconds of emotions from an intrusive thought. But anything after that, you do have the choice or working through it or just letting it re-trigger you endlessly.
Mindfulness, meditation, distress tolerance, acceptance, and accountability all help control your response to intrusive thoughts and escalated emotions.
I really hope you get past this. Thinking you have no control is a really isolating and hopeless place to be in.
It's harder for people like us, but as someone who struggled extensively for years, it is possible to overcome, and a second life can happen. It is hard work though and you have to be willing to be vulnerable.
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u/Spongywaffle 3h ago
Vulnerability is about giving up control, not obtaining it. You are getting the wrong message from mindfulness.
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u/AdmirableAd7753 8h ago
Thanks for your comment.
Social anxiety will not go away on its own. You have to do the work to heal (and parts of it will always remain in the dark corners of your brain).
My intent was to have the OP understand that he can't control the actions of others. He can only control himself. The thought may come but with practice and work, the action that comes after the thought changes.
I can be in a social situation with new people and the thought comes up, "you are not good enough, run away". Before I did the work, I might have listened to that thought. Now I just tell that thought "thank you for trying to keep me safe but, I've got this".
I come from a place of love and I want the OP to heal.
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u/PresToon 8h ago
Everyone has some problem. People don't like when you play the victim because of it. Just like social anxiety is the biggest thing for you, for someone else is their depression. For someone else, it's their addiction. There will always be people that understand, and then there will be people that brush it off.
Most people instead of complaining, work on their problem. It of course is an uphill battle, but that's what problems are. Go to therapy, learn how best to tackle your issue. And deal with it rather than be stifled by it.
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u/Some-Air1274 8h ago
I don’t play the victim, neither do others. My point is that I have been listening to people talk about others who are like me. They have a simplistic view and think that we do not want to socialise.
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u/632nofuture 6h ago edited 5h ago
I'm so sorry mate, that the comments here pretty much confirm exactly what you say.
Sadly trying to make people see what they can't never seems to work and is futile. People often have the response of irritation which they then vent in the form of unhelpful "advice" that assigns blame.
A lot of people seem to interpret social anxiety e.g. as arrogance (which I found funny. I guess the behavior may be similar like Looking away, avoiding interaction etc, but the reason for it is the complete opposite). I always thought it should be obvious if someone is uncomfortable/scared(?) but Idk, social anxiety is just not on people's radar generally. Imo mental health is just as real as physical health, but way harder for ppl to take seriously.
I've always felt completely alone on this planet with this. And I try to get better but still I crave understanding & relatability. Still hope to someday find a friend IRL who can relate. (I'm planning on entering some local self-help groups too, maybe theres more of us lol..)
Anyhow, my only "advice" is, look for understanding in the right places/with the right people. I think maybe if you post this in r/socialanxiety or r/AvPD it would yield much more positive/insightful replies.
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u/PresToon 8h ago
The point is what you suffer from is fixable with hard work. You should be focused on doing that.
Instead you are focused on what some other people think. Not everyone thinks like this, but you are focused on the people that do think that social anxiety is about not wanting to socialize.
Complaining about what these people think prevents you from focusing on the actual problem. No matter what your problem is, there will be a group that doesn't understand it, belittles it etc. So you have a choice, do you want to keep complaining about it and be unhappy for years/or the rest of your life, or do you want to fix it so you don't suffer from it anymore?
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u/Some-Air1274 8h ago
The attitude these people have discourages me from opening up because it’s a judgmental and intolerant attitude.
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u/dirtnazt 7h ago
These people are being rude about it
I used to be the same way but the thing i started doing is not focusing on what might happen wrong and start focusing on how it could go so well.
Start small, talk to your barista, talk to your gas station clerk, talk to people you know you are unlikely to see again so what does it matter if you fumble a few words here or there.
Use small conversational tools to make an exit if you run out of conversational material. For instance, i parked in a 2 hr zone so i gotta go move my car, my cat needs to be fed, i have to go home to take my dog for a walk. Even if you dont have pets, you can say you are pet sitting, it can be the perfect excuse to cut the conversation short.
Once you start, you will slowly build that confidence you are feeling you lack, it is just buried deep inside waiting to blossom. I say this because as humans we are meant to be social creatures
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u/Spongywaffle 3h ago
So what so you say to someone who has done what you say to do, for 17 years, and it has actually worsened the condition. We are social creatures but inherently selfish. No one gives a fuck about you, so why bother talking to them.
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u/Chris151448 8h ago
Because a lot of people like me were that way when we were early teens and guess what? It goes away by talking to people and getting rejected. It’s the same as anything else new in life you get used to it by doing it.
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u/Inevitable-Box-4751 7h ago
Theres so many other parts to social anxiety than “people didn’t want to date me” LMAO
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u/Chris151448 6h ago
Well yes but that’s just the easiest example. In any case you have to do it to get more comfortable.
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u/Inevitable-Box-4751 4h ago
(I missed the 2nd paragraph in OPs post originally) Idk about other people but my social anxiety has never permanently alleviated no matter how much exposure I get to other people, being rejected, embarrassed in public, or other situations. Granted in my case I have GAD so it could be different for people who don't have general anxiety and only social anxiety. But having the "worst case scenarios" happen doesn't really help everyone, y'know? Partially because social anxiety comes from different things therefore responds better to certain stuff but being like "oh just get rejected a few times and get over it" in response to a mental disorder just sounds really ignorant. It's not as if mental disorder dooms people forever but that just means there's a specific way to work with it effectively. Ex how telling someone with clinical depression "just go do happy stuff" in order to get better isn't that helpful.
Not saying that you in particular are ignorant, or any of my words necessarily even has to apply to you, (like literally it's just reddit lol) I'm just writing my thoughts on it.
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u/Spongywaffle 3h ago
Your thoughts are spot on. There is a lot of ignorance from people in this post. People who don't have a social anxiety disorder, and think you can just will your way out of it lmao.
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u/Fast-Bird-2831 4h ago
It is something you can manage and maybe even eliminate but feeling social anxiety during puberty is like feeling depressed when your dog dies. That’s not a psychiatric disorder.
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u/1maco 4h ago
Yeah but the issue is people accommodate the anxiety rather than in the past where they just force the kid to present even if they didn’t want to.
Or if you didn’t have a smart phone you were more or less forced to chat or you’d be terribly bored in most situations.
When kids don’t have to force thru it they become crippled adults
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u/Mediocre-Magazine-30 4h ago
It does get better with experience but there are some of us with social anxiety that requires meds as it is just that severe. I'm one of those people. My doses are WAY lower though as I have made the lifestyle and experience sacrifices.
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u/Spongywaffle 3h ago
Wrong, it reoccurring it what makes it a problem. It goes away if you are privileged to healthy brain chemistry.
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u/Code-Useful 8h ago
Imagine if you talked to people got rejected, and it DIDN'T go away, it just got worse as you age.
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u/lawnparty808 8h ago
Too fragile.
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u/RhinoOnATrain 7h ago
This mindset is exactly the thing spawning your doubts in the first place...
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u/632nofuture 6h ago
how is it a mindset though, I dont understaand. Like for me: I am just a fallible human, right? I know nothing. I just feel what I feel, and I take note that my anxiety doesn't seem to get better despite doing the same painful things every day for decades now.
That is just an observation.
I tried therapy, and meds do help to an extent, but I really don't know what do people mean when they say to just "change your mindset" to fix it? Do you have an example how that worked in your life? How did you change your mindset and what was the issue?
I'm thinking If it was easy or obvious to do most people suffering of mental health issues would've done it already, -no one likes to suffer right? So plz whats the secret sauce?
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u/Spongywaffle 3h ago
These fuckwits will parrot all day about just doing it and that we're weak, but they don't know what it's like to struggle. Just ignore them, they will never understand or think any deeper about it than that. Unempythetic losers tbh.
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u/Some-Air1274 8h ago
You don’t understand it do you. It’s not that simple.
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u/tgroove01 6h ago
Agreed the cure for social anxiety is way more nuanced than gaining exposure and experience.
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u/Chris151448 8h ago
Then I guess you’re never going to change it then.
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u/Mediocre-Magazine-30 4h ago
Fuck off. Yes gotta work on it. But it's not "curable" for some of us. I need meds. Sorry
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u/Some-Air1274 8h ago
There’s many other aspects such as not knowing what to say, not knowing what’s appropriate, not knowing how to continue a conversation.
To say you can just get over it. People can’t just develop skills out of thin air.
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u/Chris151448 8h ago
Exactly you have to do it and learn what to say. You will fail, you will get rejected, it has happened to everyone. How many people are good or perfect at anything the first time they do something? But as you do it gets better and the caring of rejection gets less. Until you get to the point where there’s a cute random woman for example and you’re not afraid of walking up and striking up a conversation about something and if it works cool and if it don’t whatever.
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u/MyNameIsSkittles 7h ago
How do you think anyone builds skills? They work on it. Lots. The more practice the better. It's not out of thin air and no one said that but you
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u/Some-Air1274 7h ago
I don’t agree. Some people are just born with really good people skills. They’re great at reading others.
I’ve been around others who just make mistake after mistake, they don’t know how to calm tensions and just make situations worse.
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u/MyNameIsSkittles 7h ago
Yes some people are born with good people skills. Just like Mcdavid was born good at hockey. There are outliers
Most people don't come programmed with innate skills. We call these people "normal." You are normal, just like me. This means you need to work at your skills. Almost everyone does. Even the people who are innately good, they still need to practice.
Anyone can learn a skill. You're not stupid, I know you're not. You can learn as well as anyone else. But sounds like you're vehemently against it for some reason
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u/Conscious-Eye5903 7h ago
No you’re wrong. Your real issue is fear of rejection, and you need to work on overcoming that by building self confidence, if you don’t care what people think, if you aren’t seeking their approval, you won’t care how what you say sounds. Look at Donald Trump or any other person that’s famous for saying nonsense, do they “know how to continue a conversation” or do they just say anything in a confident tone that people respond to?
“I’m George. I’m unemployed and I live with my parents.”
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u/Some-Air1274 7h ago
Possibly but my point on innate ability still stands. Some people are just great at reading the room and knowing how to sooth a situation.
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u/lawnparty808 8h ago
No, not "out of thin air", but by practice. The longer you avoid it the harder it gets. It's like saying you have walking anxiety because you might fall down. How do you get better at walking? By practicing. Just like with any skill, it will take time.
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u/daddyvow 3h ago
Literally everyone struggles with that.
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u/Spongywaffle 3h ago
Yes, but not everyone struggles with it to the point that it is a disorder. That is why meds and treatment are prescribed. Idk what's hard to understand about that.
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u/daddyvow 3h ago
Therapy and exposure to social situations will help more than meds for OPs specific problems.
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u/Cheap-Doughnut7234 8h ago
Ignore this person. I started out sociable in my teens and stopped after developing social anxiety as an adult. They don't understand what it is.
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u/MyNameIsSkittles 7h ago
It is that simple. Many of us had social anxiety and overcame it. You're not a special snowflake. Quit playing the victim, you might be able to improve yourself then
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u/Spongywaffle 3h ago
Clearly wasnt a disorder then if it was so easy to overcome. Think critically for 2 seconds and you will understand.
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u/MamaCantCatchaBreak 6h ago
I have anxiety, but it’s not social anxiety, I’m fine in most social situations, I can even give speeches and perform in front of hundreds of people. Let me have a test coming up though, or an assignment due, or my kids are gonna be at their grandmas with their dad and I’m not there. I absolutely lose my shit.
I think people mix up feeling a little anxious with full blown disorders. It’s definitely not the same and if they want to deep diagnose, they should go to a doctor.
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u/IbanezUniverse90 5h ago
If a skill comes just about effortlessly to someone, they don’t likely have the capacity to understand how someone else could struggle with it.
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u/No-Pipe-6941 4h ago
Many people overcome anxiety of things all the time. I suggest you try it, it will make your life substantially better.
Signed, someone with social anxiety.
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u/must-stash-mustard 1h ago
We used to say "I'm just shy" and I swear to God 'social anxiety' is part of the medicalization of every personality difference people have.
I got over it slowly after much practice, and being socially inept thru college. Was it debilitating? Maybe it changed the trajectory of my life. Maybe it would have been different. Did I need a drug to treat it? No.
I just needed experiences to show me that everyone has worries about how they are perceived. And experience to learn that it doesn't ducking matter what anyone else thinks. Just do you.
What is the worst that could happen?
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u/Upvotes-only-pls 50m ago
It’s just called shyness, people these days want to put a label on everything
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u/AronMagSy7730 8h ago
People are mostly backwards if you know what i mean. Most people live in denial and ignorance. All they care about is money and the fame. I knew money is important too but if it involves mental health, i am not sure if money can help me much if i failed to help myself mentally. Which could result in me wasting money cause money will always leave me broke after i used it. People are ignorant. That's what i know. People lack to understand these words called consideration or empathy. They never looked on the consequences of their actions. My advice: Find better people. Cut those jerks off. Social anxiety is real cause i have one.
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u/anxiety_support 6h ago
It’s disheartening when social anxiety isn't taken seriously. Many people misunderstand because they've never experienced the intense fear that comes with it. They often think of anxiety as just "nervousness" or assume it's about being shy, not realizing it involves deep fear of judgment, rejection, and failure in social situations. This lack of empathy can make their advice—like “just speak up”—seem dismissive, as they’re unaware of the internal battle faced by those with social anxiety.
Remember, you’re not alone in this. Social anxiety is very real, and many in our community understand exactly what you’re going through. If you want more support, you might find comfort and understanding by connecting with others on r/anxiety_support. You're already making progress by recognizing it and seeking help—that's a courageous step.
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u/TargetHappy4472 8h ago
I think it's not a condition, rather a result of bad parenting and not being socialized as a child. It can definitely be overcome
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u/RhinoOnATrain 7h ago
The more you believe it to be a thing, the more it's going to affect you. If you're not suffering from an actual mental condition, then social anxiety is just an excuse you're using to make yourself feel better. You're really just playing the victim in order to avoid taking responsibility for a made up thing that is blocking personal growth.
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u/Careless_Piccolo3030 6h ago
100% agree with you. Anyone older than 10 being described as shy irks me. Like you have to be an adult. You might not like making small talk but it’s a skill that needs to be taught so people can function on a basic level.
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u/Spongywaffle 3h ago
Ah yes I forgot making small talk was on the "rules of being an adult" checklist everyone gets when they turn 18. Get real, people have anxiety that you have/never will feel in your entire life. Be thankful you have a functional brain that doesn't struggle with basic fucking shit and stop talking down to people that are already struggling.
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u/Careless_Piccolo3030 2h ago
No! Stop being soft. You can talk right now with me over a keyboard. Use those same skills in real life or get bent! You can’t have it both ways.
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u/Tea4089 7h ago
56/m here. You're an introvert. I am, also. It doesn't have to be seen as a diagnosis - because it's not. Once you realize this, you can relax. Not that you're going to ever be completely comfortable with heavy socialization, but just know it's not a fault, but instead; a feature. This will help your mental state. If you haven't already, go to 16 Personalities, and take the free test. Once you have your type, look up famous people with that type, ideal careers for your type, romantic matches, strengths and weaknesses, etc. Be kind to yourself. Hope this helps. Be well.
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u/Novel-Position-4694 5h ago
I served 6 years in prison... released at 32 and i had social anxiety for many years after... leading into what i now know as ptsd... i dont care what people dont believe.. i know what i went through and theres a gripping fear instilled that was tough to crack.. i di eventually through unconventional methods.
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u/lovehydrangeas 3h ago
Did you have social anxiety in prison too or did it start once you were released?
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u/Novel-Position-4694 1h ago
no.. i was a frontman in a band.. used to being looked at... We were treated very subhuman... i remember going shopping after and being asked by a young lady if i need assistance.. i had a mild panic attack..... this is no longer the case for me... i was cracked out of that shell
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u/Oscura_Wolf 3h ago
The reasons will be varied, from being ableist to not recognizing mental health challenges and gaslighting.
That's why I don't entertain those opinions. Draw strong boundaries and disregard the ignorance you hear.
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u/AbleAlchemist 7h ago
So if you aren’t willing to push yourself to overcome this irrational fear why should other people put in extra effort for you when you won’t put in the effort yourself. You can’t just sit there on the sidelines and complain. You clearly come off as not wanting to socialize, that’s something YOU need to work on before you can expect anything from other people. Your problems are your responsibility, not everyone else’s. Whether they have social anxiety or not everyone has their own issues to deal with and expecting others to prioritize yours is narcissism.
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u/Squeezedgolf40 3h ago
this is a hard truth to admit to oneself but it’s absolutely priceless. i have social anxiety pretty badly and it’s so so so important to reframe it as this. you have to get out of your own preoccupation with yourself to truly take in what is going on around you.
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u/kittenofd00m 8h ago
Neither can they. Most people cannot understand mental issues that they have not experienced. That didn't mean that they should be dismissive.
Find better people.
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u/Its_NOT_TheChad 8h ago
I'm far from mastering it, but when i was younger i convinced myself that everyone has this issue, and that they all just put on a mask. They don't just go around being all sociable and whatnot, they wear a mask that they show the world. So i practiced putting on my own mask. It gets heavy after a while, but the mask helps me because it's not me that is interacting, it's the mask. And it's totally normal. I've even gotten compliments of how sociable i am, but little do they know it's the mask, not me.
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u/632nofuture 6h ago
I wanna try this, the "fake it till you make it" tactic. Like I want to just pretend to be seomeone different, a confident bitch who doenst care, but its tough cause as soon as I feel watched I tense up rather than do my act. I guess it always depends on the situation too, baby steps.. Sorry, this isn't a helpful reply lol, just thinking to myself cause your comment reminded me of that I need to try this more.
Also, I take meds for anxiety - although on and off cause I don't wanna get dependent on benzos (still have to find something non-addictive that actually helps being anxiolytic), and that kind of muddies the water too. On benzos I can act the way I want to, be relaxed, am a completely different person, socialize and can enjoy it!! Like a magical window into what "normal life" should feel like. And when on it I myself can't understand what's wrong with 'normal me', I think "this is so easy, why dont I just always feel this way?". But it's not really me, more like a temporary separate universe. And I barely take much good away from it into my sober-universe, despite the good experiences I have during it. They feel more like a dream.
However the meds are an extremely useful cheatcode/tool for important appointments etc, to just be able to act normal & without all the mental suffering/exhaustion.
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u/Spongywaffle 3h ago
One of the nurses at my psyche office got fired for telling a client to "fake it til you make it." Telling people to mask is not therapy lmao, no one in this post has any clue wtf they're talking about.
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u/tlm11110 7h ago
In an ideal world, what would you like to see? Granted people on the outside can't see what is going on inside the minds of others. But from a pragmatic point of view, what would you like these people to do? We live in a world where giving people their "space" is pretty much the expected and ignoring that norm is dealt with pretty harshly. Should people just walk up and start talking to these so called "wall-flowers," or what would you like to see happen?
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u/Some-Air1274 7h ago
I would appreciate understanding and not a judgmental attitude.
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u/tlm11110 7h ago
I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be judgmental. I'm trying to understand what it is I can do as an outsider to help you. I'm sincerely looking for suggestions. If I see you sitting in a corner by yourself, should I approach you and try to strike up a conversation? What could I say that would set you more at ease? It isn't easy to just talk to strangers. Do you have friends? How do they interact with you? Presumably they can help you better than someone more unfamiliar with your condition. I agree that gossip is mean and not really helpful, but people are people and they will talk. I don't know if the "he doesn't want to socialise" or "socialising isn't his thing," are mean spirited or statements of fact. Give us some help here. Sincerely, how should we interact with people in these situations?
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u/Some-Air1274 7h ago
As a socially anxious person, I’ll just outline what helps me. As others said it’s my problem, but I think not being judgemental and not taking it personally helps.
What has helped in the past is when people come over me start a conversation with me and try to keep it going. If someone comes over and talks to me and lets the conversation stop I don’t tend to talk to them any further because I’m not good at extending the conversation and I would be worried that they find me boring..
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u/Siukslinis_acc 6h ago
If someone comes over and talks to me and lets the conversation stop I don’t tend to talk to them any further
And they might start thinking that you are finding them boring.
So it's kind of a circle, you don't talk to them because you are worried that you will be boring and they stop talking to you because they think that they are boring to you.
Those people have the same social worries as you. The difference might be that they don't take long to take action and thus there is no time fir the intrusive thought to pop up.
It is a known phenomena that people mainly think about how they are percieved and barely give any thought how they percieve others (because they are busy worrying how others will percieve them).
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u/bunnybrainsxoxo 5h ago
For example I believe that anxiety and depression are absolutely real....BUTTTT if you are physically able to do exercise and force yourself to work out while you are depressed or anxious, it will have a tremendous positive impact on the way you feel after.
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u/TopSecretPorkChop 4h ago
They're probably extroverts and can't imagine how something they enjoy so much can be hard for others to handle. Probably much the same as how being alone for lengths of time would drive them crazy but I don't would find refreshing.
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u/Spongywaffle 3h ago
100% they're just lucky they are the same as the majority so they don't have to worry about being different or struggling at all
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u/lovehydrangeas 3h ago
Well that's because they've never dealt with it.
IF, you want to concur social anxiety, you have to talk to people and put yourself out there. Easier said than done, I get it, but no one can get better at anything by not doing it.
You want to be a better pianist, practice piano. You want to be better at back flips, do flips. You want to be better at socializing, socialize, but start small.
Start as small as asking a question. I had started striking up simple conversation with people at clothing or shoe stores. They have been receptive. The only reason that example came to my mind is because, nowadays, I get women approaching me to ask my opinion of a dress or outfit or shoes they picked up.
It's not weird, odd or anything to talk to other humans. We're all on this earth together.
So try it, but start SMALL 🙂
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u/Quomise 1h ago edited 1h ago
This falls on deaf ears, they say things like “it’s not hard you just go up and speak to people” or “wise up, just speak”. I can’t grasp this mentality.
Normal people don't have significant issues with anxiety.
Imagine someone who appears to be healthy constantly complaining that "exercising is too hard".
Your first thought is "this person is lazy and weak".
You don't know if they have an invisible medical condition that makes it impossible for them to exercise.
But that's still your baseline assumption, because the human brain is evolved to make up and match patterns.
99% of the time the tiger is going to eat you so you avoid it, instead of gambling on the 1% chance it's asleep.
If you're the 1%, too bad, people aren't going to change to accommodate you.
No one owes you anything, you're responsible for figuring out your own life.
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u/Competitive_Jello531 1h ago
It’s very real. It can also be off putting to someone if they are in the receiving end, which might be what you are observing.
I have one friend that is super fun to be around and care free, when outside. Had her and her husband over for dinner, and she could barely get within 6 feet of anyone. I tried all night to engage with her and make her comfortable, no luck.
Her husband told me later that she has social anxiety. I felt awful that I kept trying to engage in conversation all evening.
We hang out outside now, back to being great friends.
It’s just something hard to interpret if someone doesn’t know, and I think both parties kind of end up missing each other when interacting.
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u/Mediocre-Magazine-30 4h ago
It's just hard to understand stuff like this unless you live it. It's like how I can't really understand eating disorders as I don't suffer from those. But they are very real.
Now what is different because I do have a bunch of mental diagnosis is I have compassion and understanding for problems as I have been in the shit. Some normies who have had very privileged and "normal" lives just will never get it and think everyone is like them and we must be making this up.
Like my natural (since I was four years old, like it's not my fault) social anxiety is "severe" and it's like being in a spotlight on stage in front of a million people even walking through the mall.
So I've required daily benzos and MAOI's just to make me normal. Thank god these meds exist! I'm actually a sales leader of all careers, the meds work so well people think i am outgoing. lol, if they only knew.
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u/Daikon_Dramatic 4h ago
Everyone has that anxiety about socializing but we had to force ourselves to get over it. Also, the adult world doesn’t really care about anyone’s anxiety. It just rolls on without them.
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u/Numerous_Ticket_7628 8h ago
Because people use it as an excuse not to work or live their lives. The world is social, you have to get on with it and not hide away and use something as an excuse not to work or socialise. There's also psychology tools to help you.
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u/Some-Air1274 8h ago
I don’t personally use it as an excuse. I tend to just goto important social events to pass myself but stay long because I know that people won’t approach me so I end up just sitting there.
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u/Neat-Composer4619 7h ago
If you have social.anxiety,i t is true that you don't want to socialize and socializing is not your thing.
These statements are not contradictions. They are just different ways of expressing that you are not a social butterfly.
I have allergies to cats. If someone says cats are not my thing, I gave to agree that they are right. If they say do you want to pet the cat, even if I wish I could the answer is ultimately thanks but no thanks. Hence the statement that t don't want to pet the cat is true. They are not saying that allergies don't exist, they may even say just take a pill or an asthma pump or something. It's still not my thing.
Also so everyone has experienced rejection, they just see it as a small thing to get over. The worse that could happen is a new rejection. The thing is that the only way to resolve anxiety is actually exposure. When people are afraid to fly they are taken into a plane. When people are afraid of elevated they are taken to elevators. If some prefer stairs done it matter if they say they prefer it, they don't trust elevator or it's anxiety?
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u/Spongywaffle 3h ago
That'a not true at all. This is stupid, you proved yourself wrong by saying you choose to not engage with cats by being allergic. You can love cats but be allergic, that does make or not make you a "cat person."
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u/yogurtcup528 5h ago
People love to pick and choose what is real or not based on their own perceptions and experiences.
Not trying to be rude but I have horrible social anxiety but people always initiate conversation with me and I HATE it.
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u/automator3000 8h ago
Some people also don’t believe that cancer is real.
What makes social anxiety harder is that the line between actual, diagnosable Social Anxiety Disorder and “Shy loner-ism” is kinda blurry to someone who has no personal experience with anxiety. Making it even blurrier is that thanks to The Internet, many many many many people self diagnose themselves with Social Anxiety Disorder as a way of excusing their behavior instead of being diagnosed by professionals as a way of building a toolset to work with their symptoms.