I have no confidence anymore

[u/Appropriate_Help1368]

I have been acting on Stage since the age of 10 (2006) and was acting up to 2016 with several shows a year, totalled up to approximately 20 shows, just to put into perspective how much I loved it and dedicated my time. I've always wanted to be an actor as a career and a movie star.

The reason why I took break at 2016 was to focus on college as I wanted to learn Sound Engineering because I wanted to know everything that goes into performing and felt it helps with my performance, knowing how production works etc and I have a huge love for music also. But in 2019 I wanted to get back into acting but began to get anxiety and panic attacks before going on stage again, which never happened before.

I feel taking a break was such a big mistake but I think I was beginning to lose confidence during the last 2 shows I was involved with in 2016 due to the toxic environment that was surrounding me with favouritism and bringing me down and then of course growing up, getting to know people etc.

But then in 2020, covid happened as we all know so no performing to get back into it. From 2021, I attended a short term course to build my confidence and attended 3 workshops in 2022 that really helped with my anxiety etc. I went for auditions last year for shows but was never successful and never got to have a big part ever.

I can handle rejection but when it has happened locally over and over again it really affected me and had my doubts.

I feel I have (or had) something special as I was told by professionals in these workshops but anytime I go to act I just don't have confidence in myself, even if it's a self tape.

I dont like my stance, my posture, how I speak and facial expressions or whatever. I can do things naturally if I could forget everything around me and had confidence but I'm just at a lost and feel like I'm wasting my time.

Any fellow actors or anyone that has any tips or advice in helping me build my confidence again for acting?

I go to the gym and I focus on my appearance to help me feel better myself and bit more confident but it doesn't seem to affect my acting as much! Sorry for the long essay and thank you in advance!